What is it like to be good enough?
I have never understood the concept.
I'm used to feeling inept
and full of doubt
But self respect...
What's that about.
Self destruction I understand.
I've mastered self neglect.
I know self loathing like the back of my hand.
I've never had a plan,
Never had a dream,
Never been good enough,
But perhaps someday I may.

Life is a series of moments unraveled
A continuum of time and space traveled
Ellipsis made around the earth by sun
A summation of experiences interpreted subjectively by one
Neurons firing and synapses receiving
But to think that this is all life is can be most deceiving
Life can be measured in statistics sure
But is it quantifiable that life is greater
Than any undeniable fact
Perhaps life is only defined by how we react

Oh hallow the heavens divine
May my intentions begin to align
To give in and live in realities design
May my fears resign to the origins from which they came
may I be redeemed from the shame
That once followed my spoken name
May I be awoke in grace
And have pride and love for the reflection of my face
May the place where indifference once inhabited be desserted and filled with all that I have taken for granted
I want to be enchanted with the presents that opportunity presence
No sense in waiting for false pretense
No resentment no pain
Just the world which is mine to gain

Barely have I woken
Barely have we spoken
But this morning
I feel such a shame
and such a burden of the blame
I lash out in anger
Treat you like a stranger
Even though I feel
Very much the same
I dont know why your words feel like danger
And I feel I must attack back
But some mornings it is empathy
And self awareness which I lack
I need to combat this awful feeling
So I may begin revealing
The person who I wish to be
Instead of letting us both
Assure self destruction mutually
I am sorry truly sorry
That at times
I can be
So defensive
So relentless
So hostile
So volatile
So acutely obtuse and cross
That I let an argument
Be my victory
And take you as a loss

You're the man who was never there
When I was alone
And I was scared
You never cared
You were never at home
Now that you're here
I am never alone
I am never scared
Because you've shown that you cared
As long as you're here
I am right at home

I don’t say bye for now
Now I say Good bye
I won’t wish you farewell
I’ll say well I tried
Because I know I did good and well
When I was by your side
But you made my life hell
So I had to run and hide
I thought the sun was burning me
But it was all a shame
If you feel burnt
Then know I feel the same
But I don’t have the blues
But sometimes I wanna sing
But not for you
Because it would only make your ears begin to ring
As winter is growing near
The cold doesn’t sting
Because I see a future
And the warmth it will bring
I can’t look back at you
And what was our decay
Because I’ve got more than enough to sustain me on my plate today
As for the loss and the nothing that remains
I wish you well
I don’t care if you feel the same
And one more word if I may
I’m looking forward to giving you back your name
Because I am Ceridwen
I am Shiva
I am the Phoenix that you tried to extinguish
I am Pandora’s Box
that you tried to open and shut like a case of cold feet
I am the puzzle you couldn’t complete
but you only saw me as a missing piece

I can love the man who holds my hand
I can give him a life that folds into his plan
I can be the peace he needs
I can still love him when his hairline recedes
I can express great emotion when he succeeds
I can express devotion when he feels that he failed
I can help him to find a new solution if his expectations become derailed
I can be his ease like a gentle summer day
I can be his release when life isn't going his way
I can love him when he is sullen
I can give him hope when his dreams are stolen
I can love the man who loves me unconditionally
I can love the man who sees me as I am
And says she is the one without giving a ****

Moonlight before midnight
Cicadas softly hiss
A sea of crickets chirping
In this darkness
Soft wisps of clouds
Do not hide the stars
In the infinite abyss
They remind us where we are

Someday you will be loved
The way you have always known how
But you have to love yourself for now

There's a beast in my breast
A creature in my chest
I say a prayer to soothe her to sleep
But the monster never rests
Her goal to keep me awake
With every regret and every mistake
Most hearts have ventricles
Mine has tentacles and claws
Scraping and scratching at all of my flaws
The cause is insurmountable
accountable for malace
A chalice of pain
In a world of suffering
It always will reign
But theres an angel in my head
She challenges the beast instead
Of letting me fight this battle
That rattles my ribcage
She is reserved and refrains
From the eternal rage
She helps me decide
That there's no need to hide
She takes my side
And whispers lullabies
That help me take it instride
No matter how I've tried
To calm their qualm
They quarrel incessantly
But this upheaval
Of good and evil
Is my destiny

Just breathe
Slow and deep
Keep breathing
Take in the air
And release
Your despair
Inhale
Exhale
Keep breathing
You'll prevail

Dreams of you keep me awake
Surely my reality isn't a mistake
But in my slumber I can't make an escape
And I wonder how much I can take
When my nights and days seperate
Blending seamlessly as possibility and fate
I wish the madness would finally cease
Because my heart desperately needs release

He lost track of time
A five year gap
lapsed
in his time line
Now here I am
losing mine
His penance
my sacrifice
His redemption
My demise
Reparations
Of desperation
No reconciliation
For hours
Days weeks
Months and years stolen
I am sullen
A broken clock
For a broken heart
I am left with the pieces
And the broken parts
Of the start to something new
A promise of better days
Where skies are blue
But all I would like
Are more than just
Pieces of you

I am awake
I am alive
I am human
I am woman
I am kind
I am smart
I am funny
I am beautiful
I am loving
I am loved
I am blessed
I am gracious
I am understanding
I am understood

In a fever dream of pyrotechnicolor
I set fire to my life
Lining up my affects and assets
And igniting them one by one
Today I wake and can’t believe what I’ve done
But there is no wrong in starting over
Even if you start a fire
If you desire rebirth
Place your feet upon the hearth
And everything else you know
Surely the will not to burn
Will keep you from being hot ash in an urn

Two tons of lead
Dropped in the sea
I slip away  aimlessly
No rope to tether
My feet to land
I am reaching
For an invisible hand
And my grasp
Is like trying to pinch
Just a grain of sand
Feeling the pressure
Pulling me down
Sinking to the depths
Starting to drown
Two tons of lead
Dropped in the sea
As if there ever was a chance
I could rise and be free

Hello little child
You are wild
And you are free
Grow strong
And just be
Believe in magic
Don't be tragic
Although there is tragedy
There is comedy in grief
There is pain
And there is relief
But the belief
That good will prevail
From every bad thing
Will never cease to fail
Hope is the way
You can always cope
But you must fight
The delight
Will be when you overcome
But know this battle
Is never quite done
If you never give up
You have already won

My heart is a bruised fruit
Half rotted
that I have preserved So well
that to the touch
It feels like glass
Strong glass that won't shatter
If you were to squeeze it
Or throw it against a wall
But none of that matters at all
Because it's made of matter
That matters
that's all that matters
After all
I have made my heart harder
Because it's only half of a whole
And there's a hole in the center
That renders it hollow
I know it's hard to swallow but it's true
My heart is softer in the middle
So it's frail and brittle
But I hardened it to give it to you
I made it harder so it couldn't break
But it's still soft
I thought I was smarter
And I could never be a martyr
But at the end of the day my heart
Breaks in two
And all it takes is you

One August day
I took your ring
You took mine
We lit a candle
We stopped time
Tear filled eyes
stares of disbelief
I still can't believe
that you chose me

There’s so much that I can’t begin to say.

Our dreams were never ours
They were mine and yours
My dreams were of love
Yours were of money
But isn't it funny that we both got our dreams
Even though we were ripping
At the seams
Like the tattered jeans
I wore in youth
Back when we were so uncouth
And we thought we knew everything
But we couldn't see the truth
That we were so close
And so far
Like the vibrating strings of my exes guitar
We thought we could go anywhere
We knew we would leave this town
In all its' dust and smoke
But we came back each time
Defeated and broke
We would meet up for cocktails
Reminiscing of the past
Hoping for the future
Unsure of the present
Saying this isn't permanent
It too shall pass
As we discussed plans
Each time I found myself
Grasping for your hands
Perhaps it is because they reached
But not to me
That is what I couldn't see
But your fingertips longed
For something ahead
And when you discussed the future
I was very much in the moment
Looking at you instead
I never loved you
I loved your lust for life
You never loved me
You loved the way my heart thrusted from strife
We never loved each other
But we loved the plans we made
And to see our dreams come true seperately
Is the most beautiful bittersweet serenade

It is morning, the sun has yet to rise.
There is a crispness to the air
The moon is waning
and the stars are tapered
I dreamt of your face,
for a fleeting moment.
You were alive.
Were you going up the staircase or down?
I don’t know.
I do know I miss you.
Every since the light burned out before midnight,
I have wanted to see your face.
When you were here I felt strength and safety.
At times you burned hot and cold
But I always felt the ambivalence of your disposition.
There are people that you will get only so close to.
They are the ones who will be farthest away.
You are as near as the impending sunrise
and as far as the moon.
I remember you and I won’t soon forget.

There are times I certainly don't feel good enough.
But my lap is optimal for my cat or my husband's legs to drape over.
I keep a store functional and performing adequately.
I answer the phone and provide reassurance to whomever may need it.
I am someone who is thought of in merriment.
My family has vested me with keys to their homes just in case.
Strangers can count on me to hold the door for them.
I know that I can handle whatever is asked of me.
I am good enough for them, so I should be good enough for me.

A flock of birds speckle the cerulean sky
The world is soft silvers and gold
I hear a train in the distance
My cocoa steams like the sun
On the newly frosted lawn
I am content to be alive and awake like the rising light
That makes everything shimmer
This is life as it ought to be

I write for you
One who's eyes may spy my secret scrawls
I write for you
Whose ears may hear my discreet calls
I write for you
But honestly I write for nobody and all

It may have been just a few days,
It may have been a week.
In that short span of time it seemed as if we had everything we ever hoped for.
Mom and Dad.
It was surreal seeing them talk and laugh.
We went to the zoo and the theme park.
The real roller coaster was knowing that Dad would be leaving again.
My brother and I went outside and did a rain dance.
It must have pleased the Gods because the sky burst open with rain.
That day we learned that trains still leave even if it rains.
I learned that people still leave even if you want them to stay.

Lament of the living
Forgiving of death
Blessed with breath
Despite torment of finite time
Faulty by design
Feeling immortal but never divine
Creating sarcophagi
Through material things
We are but fragile
Fragile beings

I have started to think less of who you will be.
Instead, I am changing my focus and turning it more inwardly.
You see, you may never be, but I most certainly am.
Who I become can change your life before it ever had began.
So I am changing my present, so I may present this great gift to you.
I am only one, but perhaps one day, one will come from two.
I love you endlessly even though you are just a thought.
But whoever you may be is half of me, so I have to give myself all I've got.
I know that I will be so proud of you because you will be part of me, so I must take pride in myself too.
Thank you for inspiring me to aspire to be everything you could ever require of me.

The blinds are cracked just enough
For a sliver of the streetlight
To illuminate your empty side of the bed
You’re not that far but the stairway
Leads to rejection
The air conditioner muffles my sighs
But the silence is interrupted by the sporadic chirping of the smoke detector that’s batteries are dying.
The sound is reminiscent to a canary in a coal mine.

Some young
Some old
Some fearful
Some bold
Some big
Some small
Some short
Some tall
Some dark
Some light
Some dim
Some bright
Some healthy
Some ill
Some rich
Some poor
Some evil
Some pure
Some popular
Some obscure
All of them hoping to endure
Beating hearts like ticking clocks
Hopes and dreams like building blocks
Built high knocked down
Sand castles that all drown
But still they find a way to smile
When wanting to frown
Like a pauper wearing a proper crown
These amazing beings
Never cease to fail
At being so strong
Despite being so frail.

I can’t just undo the damage done in a day
The lord giveth and the lord taketh away
Should the winds shift and leave me penniless
I’ll wait, but I’m accountable for every mistake
Even if there is nothing to account for per se

The blank screen a canvas
For my scrambling thought
Black text is life brought
The blinking cursor
a precursor to what is next
Often times
These winding rhymes can leave me vexed
But still I pine on every line
Leaning over curving my spine
Squinting eyes open heart
Carefully creating every part
Til I feel that I am through
These words are all that I can give to you
Though they are for me you can have them too

Treasure of the earth
Skin anointed by the sun
Eyes that gaze into existence
As if they had witnessed life
Before it had begun
A smile knowing and reassuring
Pure lips that speak beauty, pain, and truth
Sipping forever from a fountain of youth
Named from the continent
Never tamed by discontent
A testimony of God’s hand
In all that she embraces
A reverence for God’s plan in every obstacle she faces
She is a great warrior
High priestess of peace
Treasure of the earth
Leant from heaven since birth

To be myself
Without a care
Of who will judge
Or who will stare
To love my skin
When it's bare
Just to be free
And acutely aware
Letting go
Of others perceptions
But opening up
To all connections

Although we lived in a constant state of change,
life had become static and we found a sense of
relative normalcy.

Of course, situations arose that brought excitement or turmoil but for the most part, our egos were so sure of tomorrow.

Our laurels rested in its promise, fore-bearing responsibility and hopes for that magical time that was boundlessly abundant.

Suddenly, we were jolted out of our mundane routines.

A powerful shift occurred. Our cognitive dissonance could no longer protect us as the invisible threat grew nearer.

For some, this time is filled with fear and anxiety of what the future will be like.

For others, this time is filled with peace and ease.
Staying present and calm.

Yet, there are those who mourn with nostalgia for yesterday.

As for myself, I am grateful to be alive. Acknowledging that death has no deadline has reminded of how sacred life is. Each moment can be sentimental and profound. For this finite period, I am sentient and that is the gift of human experience.

Anoint me in finely spun silk
Bathe my alabaster skin in cleopatras milk
Let honey drip onto my rose petal lips
Baring it all as my guard slowly slips
Swimming in ecstasy backlit in lace
Breathing jasmine enraptured by your embrace
The wind caressing my body and soul
Feeling the part of you that makes me whole

Hello Poetry 👋
I welcome you with love ❤️
With acceptance 🖐 🤚
With joy 😊
With peace 🧘
With hope 🗽
With gratitude 🙏

I don’t know you
I may never
But if you’re anything like me
or your father
You will be clever
You will be smart
You will joyfully take on any endeavor
with all of your heart
You will triumph
and you will fail
But you will keep on trying
and you will prevail
You will love without grace
Never being afraid to fall on your face
If you’re anything like me
You will be clumsy as can be
If you are anything like him
You will give anything to win
If you are anything like us
You will have to learn to trust
with mercy forgiveness and kindness
Never chaste
These are just some of the qualities
I hope you will embrace.

The distant train calls to the night
The bright glow of the phone illuminates our darkened home
Soft taps of the finger tips create a poem
I feel at peace and not alone
We lie in bed together your hand rested on my thigh
You laugh at memes and show me why
I love you dearly just as you are
Silly you sing your Persian song
Why would I want to dream
If reality is a place I truly belong

Today, I feel pensive.
There is a block on my energy.
I want to build a wall ten feet high,
That allows me the discretion
Of running away without allowing
Anyone to see which direction
I am going.
I have no destination in particular
In mind.

Quiet, it is night time
My mind wishes not to be stirred
By notions which unnerve
It is the time for relaxation
Not emotions’ swirling vexation
I wish not to be jolted by such thought
Calm is what I ought to keep
As I am lulled softly to sleep

I dreamt that you could speak
That you could understand
My hopes and dreams
My plans for the future
And I could understand
Your past and pain
But it was all in vain
Because even though
I could be understood
And you could understand
You weren’t what I pictured
What I had in mind
When I designed my future plan

Acceptance

You say the Beldam lead you astray
You placed a garland on her crown that summer day
Lifting the veil only to see
That she betrayed your destiny
If I am the witch fairy as you portray
who promised you love and gave you dismay
Pray tell pray tell why did you stay
Perhaps you were an incubus
On that rainy night
I came for safety
Your prey in sight
You wanted to drain me
Of my soul
Leave me again
An empty hole
Oh from that shame
My heart did swell
And I was full
And I was well
No longer the vessel ebbing
To hell now we are heading
But we can’t be that far from heaven
Because I can feel the angels weep
Was it a dream or a nightmare
When you walked away
And I stayed right there
I lay in sleep or is it wake
Was it the path or a mistake
I could never tell
From one monster to another
I wish you farewell