So full of myself
I listen to Sylvia's voice as if it's mine;
Proud yet a bit embarrassed.
She wasn't my kind of shy.

My food delivered to the house
And a dispenser alone is enough because
I drink gallons of tea instead of *****-no-ice;

Because I
Would like to try
Different method to die.

To Plath
Chubbuck
And Duncan
Whose deaths I adore
Haha! Education
Is just another way
To suffer

Life as an art
Did you take it because
You feared it? Never ---

(Beautiful things
Will turn ugly, will rot
And become *****)

Why isn't illness
A right?

My entire body is a weapon
against myself.

*O God!

1/

That thumb, much uglier than other thumbs, is purple and dull. It reminds me of your mother's right arm. Young and bruised. Your father really liked her skin that way.

At night, they had *** like there would be no other day. Your father rough like a rock and your mother weak like an ant. It was more like marital ****. One thing they discussed in a healthy way; they hid future in a grey safety box to forget the passcode.

When they were trying to **** each other you only could grow and grow.

You are a tree living in a big city. You have no friend to talk to and your brother begins to think that you were born silent. With so much happening inside my root? i heard you breathed. I hear you breathe. I hear you breathe. Please stop.

Or don't. If you stop, i die. If i die, you stop. Or we could become a bird and live near a steel factory. There are so much different ways to die. Why would we choose one?

You wanted to choose three. It was raining hard and you wanted to choose three.

You told me before. You had older brother like skyscraper. Another like asphalt. They did not live at a same place, but soon, they would eat the great wall and become a white china vase. Jesus would break them and mary would not find out. Joseph would have had killed her before.

2/

Hey, i think i know adam. I think he was fishing and drinking from the toilet bowl while the teacher was explaining how babies are delivered. You could not help but imagine your skin down there being cut. Like a film. First take.

You had no action. You were a bark, poor and dead. No one loved you until you pretend you are god.

Actually you are. God.

Actually they do not love you, god. Actually they are afraid of you, god. They think you care about them, god.

3/

Oh god. You don't, do you?

You don't, do you?

There is nothing left
Only you, remaining years
Remaining tears
For a pink tinted jar
Small
******
Smells like jasmine tea
With some crumbled dreams

Sing a song, you sing, silent
Crushed sternum
Heart melted want to run away
Trying not to, trying not to
See you with honest eyes
Talk to you with childish voice
I hear you rush
I hear you beat
I am in your arteries
I am sorry for your stomachache
I can't do anything with the heat on your back

Change the glasses, we are going to
Libraries
Abandoned ones
Come home when no one's there
Go to school on holidays
We can't find each other
"Sorry, you aren't the one I am looking for"
That's how you do not grow
That's how you go to bathroom in the middle of nights
Thank you--

At least I can go home if I want to. I can wash away all the earthquakes but I choose being crumbled instead. Glad you are here. You are watching me swell as I go closer to death. Is it so comfortable in my head--I think not--you do not leave me even when your body does?

This is more okay than nothing at all. I know what nothing at all means. That only means me when I am not anywhere and have nowhere to go, that only means you when you are nowhere yet everywhere but here. I am sad, too, when I had to accept that the soil, sand, sea--that all of it was you.

Was it really you, or just was the sky this blue before you left? Was it pure, or was it bitter? You sing and smoke and we talk. You smile, I stop, heart stops, flow stops, and I really have nowhere to go. If only that had tasted salty yet sweet, at least I had my own tongue. Though none of the papillae now matters.

my knees
swell. my kidneys
fail. i used to
brush my
hair find
tangles, now i just
let them
break. i let them
break
if only my father
is here he will say
no. he won't say
anything i
can imagine. i can't
be
i can't
be.
i don't know how to
talk. the
ability has left
my vocal fold, it has
gone to somewhere better
not here. it has gone
to the place
it's recognized where
it's heard
not here.
not here. my knees
swell i am oversized
in a small present
box for
pranks. pranks. pranks.
i get bored
bored bored boring.

Before i know it i got scared of the dark
which is a bit shameful, for all my life
i've been hanging at the sky
bathing the path of lost souls with my light

My mother said i was the moon
My father said moonface was only a side effect
but my face stays true to its moon nature
although now it has lost its sun

Before i know it i came back to the past
where the only taste i know is of medicine
and i keep stumbling in hospital halls
trying to silence my own feet

Is it even possible to time travel backwards
to a time that has never happened?
I keep remembering the things i've never known
I keep hiding the secrets i've never had

Your love makes me puke
And i and my roommate keep
The bathroom *****

Because you'd stayed for a while
Because you'd made my head your favorite place
A library, or a cave, you'd said

The idea of you had completed me
But there's no such thing as a complete library so
I am no longer your favorite

And a cave, I made my head a cave
For you to live in but
You aren't a caveman

Half of me
breathe
the other half
effort to

Something
mess up
brain
chemicals

Too quiet
prohibit
voices
breath

Dying
universal
back of a person's head
wish, faster

We are lost, you know,
And the wind isn't looking for
Us anymore. She is busy
Blowing the skirts of young
Ladies. How we used to be,
Red and bright, boiled soft,
Warm, our feet were never
Cold, our fingers
Where the flowers
Bloomed. We lost, you know,
They never come to
Us anymore. They prefer
Good soil and a gardener.

We had these things we
Thought we would end
Up hating. We are lost, you know,
Now we want to go back,
Under the blanket, under
The bed,
Under the feet of gods,
Heavy sky on our chest,
Sharp rain on
Our head,
They are not so bad compared
To our teeth.

The wind doesn't reach
Our home anymore.
We aren't there, maybe
That's why. Why
Isn't she looking for us?
Maybe the earth does
Not love
Her enough. We are lost, you know, not
That we wander. Maybe
We are just too forgetful, maybe
We can't have ice anymore, maybe
From now on we have to eat rocks, maybe
Our lungs
Cannot keep looking pink, maybe
The kidneys only want more, more,
More, more, more. Please
Be careful when you drive.
It's not my fault
If we crash. I can replace our
Lungs with a cloud, it
Would hurt a little, but please endure,
We are never going back, the
Time doesn't go back, neither do
We, so please endure,
None of us really ticks.
It's all human-made.

We are lost, you know,
And the road too, now
The cars are confused,
They learn to swim
But seawater makes them
Weak. But we
Lost, you know. The
Wind isn't looking for
Us anymore. She is busy
Blowing the skirts of young
Ladies. How we used to be,
Red and bright, letting out
Healthy cries, only
That we didn't sleep at all.

It is going to
feel like a dream that leaves you
drenched in nasty sweat.

tyndall, my dear tyndall in the morning
why don't you tell me
how blurriness is the majesty
here
when i put my glasses on
and sip the liquid i cannot tell what it is
it becomes foggy
why don't you tell me
how i wish i were a forest fairy
that misty eyes are not what the lake tells
that it is what the lake shows
behind your clothes
there is no skin
you have no flesh
crushed skeleton
yellow as pollen
they named you tyndall with a reason
why don't you tell me
how all of these time i prayed to ra
diana kept giggling and put all my cries
under the label 'noises'
i thought i could trust her
my mother once said so
that she was my other
why don't you tell me
how the striped pants on the runways
are now out of date
how flower prints on the blowing skirts
of ladies who promise you
to gather you to their breast
do not wither
why don't you tell me
i do not have to water
them
don't you see the flow
of liquid i cannot tell what it is
keeps running and running out
i will soon be dry
is it a cactus i see -- i can't even
there's none
you don't have to tell me

My heart is shattered as i recall the way you kissed me.

You used your tongue as you realized that looking at each other's eyes was a little bit of a burden. you didn't deny it. but about the things which were too much, you didn't tell me. you only told me to act as if nothing had ever happened. after you saved me from myself and you cried because i hurt my own skin, now do you still think it is possible for me to forget that? maybe you can do anything but i clung to you until i numbed my fingers. my fingers purple and rotten ******* i swear i didn't mean to let g*

You let me drown alone, so i did. nothing was your business. i drowned alone and nothing honestly had ever been your business.

Childlike mind
A body of 97 year old lady
Putting on rubber boots, entering a forest

Cheetah's legs
Giggling, humming
Rotten teeth

Dark, dark, turn on the sunlight
No starlight reaches ground
No moonlight saves sound
Of, of skin wrinkling

Fishy tongue
Silver head
Copper heart
Bleeding

Keep running
Like a cheetah
Giggling, the lake's lost sparks
Drowning

No blue sky for eye
Stomach without butterfly
Let the wind sing, scream, anything

Cheap cone
Melted ice cream
Ants, ants, fire ants
I

my little poppy danced in a white space
circle, circle, she pirouetted on my crown
giving me headache as she always would
so beautiful she was, and i was so absorbed in awe
i stayed still, my hand was paralyzed
i stayed still, she pulled me out of my fear
she fingered my heart and shook my soul
all the poison was coming out
i gulped my tongue, i let it pour
clear yet twisted, like motherly love
we danced and danced
i should never forget last night
we danced until were drenched in deep red
sore is my body from all the hype she made

Heaven surely does exist; people with depression must have known it all too well. Heaven is a place without bodies, therefore without physical needs. Nothing has ever felt emptier than abandoning your own stomach and your own lungs. Heaven is a place without sleep, even without sleepiness. All is pure and cold but there's no skin to feel that anyway. Heaven is a place without ambition, without the need to be on top. Communists must have learned it from them, though all with flesh shall fail. Heaven is a place where dead people live, where tomorrow nor yesterday do not exist, where today is one eternity. All is numb and enough, nothing could ever be better nor worse. Heaven is satisfied. Heaven falls to your brain, but all with flesh shall fail.

I went missing; there's a
Forest in my head
Wandering through
River, sand, mountain
I see you once in a while

"We are okay,"
I know you all aren't,
"We hope you are too,"*
It is no use.

lemon juice, the moon's blood
her diaphragm cut open
I thirst

I am in this giant cocoon again
Waiting for my fingernails to grow
Longer, sharper than any glimmering redness can handle
Don't want to make new scar
've got enough already

If only i could
Clip the playbacks, throw them away
Clip 'em again when they grow on my demons
Throw them away
Again, like these transparent milky crescents

So my beautiful ruby would not cry
So my shining rosy cheeks would not be shy
Am i lacking something?
Sadly,
I am

In this giant cocoon again
Funny how it fits perfectly
Wrapping tight around me
Almost too tight i might lose my mind before i
Metamorphose

Into a giant fly
Ready to **** on your clean hands
Gotta wash it again?
You can't even look me in the eyes
There are so many

Give me a reason to stay,
When all my poems
Are apparently based on someone else,
Father.

Please, don't come near me.
Leave me with my life,
But only if
I ever had one.

The rose saw me growing thorns in my kidney you stole
The rose saw me burying dead turtles in my, my, my eyelids
Burned
The rose heard me singing Amazing Grace off key in a mosque
The rose heard me trembling all over my journey to Saturn to Saturn to Saturn
Burned
The rose told me it was The Little Prince
The rose told me it's okay all is imaginative
Burned

hi, an illusion, a nightmare
shrunken ribs, heart a limp rebel
lungs the stagnant parents

moths in the gut, immortal
womb the failed garden
humiliation in étalage

******* the sacristy daughters
true worshipers of tedious
traditional values

hi, temple of the holy spirit
gaze into the weary stones
of the five senses, multiplied

ears buzzing bees, eyes the hive
nose a haunted house
dorsum a wildfire

kindling wood, spreading
villagers of freethinking
mind the silver shoes

wherever but
head, the great and powerful
wizard of oz

I am a decayed
flower; losing a beauty
to become a seed.

do not wake me up
when i come to you
and kiss your hand
just close your eyes
and sleep
dry lips on your eyelids
not mine, not mine
i am not here
the weight you feel
the warm breath against your skin
the trembling touch on your cheek
not mine, not mine
your doubled heartbeats
caused by too much coffee
please believe me
or not
just close your eyes
just do not wake me up

where
where is a friend in distress of mine?
so many people. none to love.
a body is unnecessary
don't you think? skin, flesh, bone are
too far a distance
so many interactions. none to connect to.
why would i isolate myself? that
just comes as natural
as a textbook

I will be dead
and become posthumously insane

and I will remember Suzanne Vega
every time I hear your name

I will take that look
of Vivienne Westwood's

and I will sing and sing and sing
and sink and sink and sink

and I will not think
of the appropriate things

Because I will be dead
and become posthumously insane

Even though long scarf does not suit this neck
and gas oven does not fit this head

and .38 caliber revolver is not
something a 17 year old girl would own

there is no need to worry
because now I know what loves me

It is not the explosion, not the oxygen
Not the carbondioxide, not the cyanide

It is the water, any kind of water
the tears, the saliva, the seawater

And I learnt from Haruki Murakami
that even a plastic bag would do

Mimicking the deepest sea
The sensation is true, is true ----

I remember; you liked a lot the word drown
You liked a lot the word drown

you saw me
scattered
on the ground.

between
my pieces
were cheerful puddles

of the rain from your face
& the soap i used to
wash

my mouth.
i sweat a lot &
it's still so cold.

sometimes the teeth
aren't helping us much
to say the unvoiced-

to
untangle the tongue
from

what we don't
sincerely
want.

A dentist with a
dental dam. But she prefers
wearing dental gag.

i waited & waited
until i
can feel my teeth
again

my teeth against
fried salmon skin
my teeth in emphasis:
fish oil, omega-3 fatty acid

my teeth babysit
tongue, throat, body:
conjoined triplet & i
waited & waited

until i
can
feel my stomach

again:
it isn't cold
warm even

she killed your breath
high pitched and dark
she broke your back
all the way from stomach

you don't drown in acid
you don't crawl from pool of tears

she put her head in the wrong neck
she twisted her fate for a wrong wrist
she cried out and died
all in your arms she stained so hard

*you don't drown in tears
you don't crawl from pool of acid

I keep coming back again
my home is pain
my lover is suffering
a lonely glance, who would have the heart?
you have no idea how many times
I've been brought back to life
each and every time I die
so I live anyway

}stop me from dying
}only you  are able to
}I  beg you, o death

Leftovers in my head,
the insects are long dead,
i have heartbreaks but
they would never be enough
until they pretended i
am a mortal, a

human with two legs ---
all two will be donated
to WWF.
Hear it? Listen

to a trembling lips
daring not to voice
a promise. You
know the consequences
of a promise. It's almost terrifying

until
you keep daydreaming
about plane, car, train crashes,
you keep daydreaming

about lethal poisoning, falling from 100th, any accidents
possible,
you keep daydreaming, even in prayers,

his body covered in oil, in blood,
his body cold and dry,
his body and white and yellow flowers,

and you cry but you cry the softest.

*

I am going to forget
that we needed jasmines, at
least we needed it so much we
started to pray to them,

i am going to forget
oxygen deprivations,
i am going to start
doing morning marathons,
i am going to
lose my kidneys, as well as my legs,

but i have the heart.
I have the heart and you will be happy,
they will be happy,
and i'll
blame myself for that.

what blessing i
ve never been to
this place
o creaking bone
i meticulously cultivate wrinkles on my face
please consider killing me sometime
there are so much ways
cruel
cruel
cruel
have a knife, knives
knead me with piping asphalt
i am sheltered
i've always been
wanting
desiring
craving
to lose
to lose
to lose

Poetry's there to touch.
But, touching without consent
is bad, isn't it?

It's a thrown It's a thrown
What's just a phase What's just a phase
---
Unlike an airplane she flew so close to the ground
Noises you heard was a fly buzz when you died
Grinning Grinning granny
Greet it Greet it great
A fireball called sun When is my dear Earth's turn
---
Sentimental flower
Sediment on your flanel
Doll Doll Doll Who's there
Jesus come again will ya Will ya
---
Eternal blackout Eternal blackout
Et

You are still a
God and i
Can't reach
You.

Mother used to say...
Mother used to say...
Mother used to say...

Crack a ground
Stand tall, a tongue
Swallowing bridges.

Cover a face
With faces seem like TV
Channels and ******* journalism.

High notes, hoarse voice
No neck has been hurt before.
Only skin and skin and skin

She bled, didn't care
She knew all the wrong things
And all the right doings.

Dear mother,

The food here *****. I starve myself one day just to binge another day. Nothing satisfies me anymore. And the noises are just too much. In my head they are enough already.

Dear mother,

Except for the food, I cannot admit that I miss home. I shan't go back there. The noises are just too much. In my head they are enough already.

Dear mother,

I want to move. I want to run away. I want to go. But I can't cut the bond. But, but please stop trying to call me. Stop trying to talk to me. Lately I haven't been able to talk. I haven't been able to see myself as a daughter, or anything. The noises are just too much. In my head they are enough already.

Dear mother,

You are the last whom I want to blame, the last whom I want to hurt. I promise. But the noises are just too much. In my head they are enough already.

father, father
as you sniffed
i smelled like you

father, father
my creator
a rusty anchor

father, father
as you drift
further, further

I told you purple
was my favorite. But, see,
really, I had none.

What are you afraid of?

It is always the first thing
I want to ask right after the first *hi
but it is also always
the thing
I finally dare to ask
after the last
bye.

To the rain my heart falls
The clouds envelop
Tranquil breathless scene
Atmosphere diving
As darkness shines calmly
Shimmering reality ---

To the moon my eyes flee
Another escapist's window
Open wide as polluted sea

Rained eden, godless
Purified sins
O dear sarasvati --
All that flows
Music, river, soul --
To the depth my ears are released
Burst of peace
Haven's jingle

Sweet wrinkles
Traces of smile

Whispering sun
--- *Now,

feel.

You want to erase father from your life, but that doesn't matter anymore. You can't change anything whether or not you write poems about father. Everything you do it will stay plain and dull, like the child you were, like the child you still are.

You own your body without even you realizing it. It's okay, though. Now I'm telling you that your ******* are yours, that your tongue is yours, that your lips are yours. Your flesh is yours, my dear. It has nothing to do with father's flesh. Only his DNA and mother's, that's all.

You know, your skin hasn't changed much. It's still pure and innocent, just like the finest fabric, just like an angel's. And you know, it's okay to remember your scars, it's still there to remind you something better than the tiny pop of blood vessels. Scars remind you that healing is a process, and not all red will stay red forever.

Why does
fire burn?
What else
does burn?
I'm running out
of---
Let's just put
our heads on.

can i be a bird, mimicking the wind?
can i forget my lungs, can i leave the heart beating?
can i have the wings, flying through
the pain of all worlds?

at night am i a blinking eye
curling on death's palm, trying to sleep?

can i be a bird, lost in a city?
can i make a home, can i give a try?
can i have the wings, flying to the moon
where all children belong?

at night am i a boy privilege
crushing my soul, confused at the silence?

can i pray to god, can i do something?
can i believe in love, can i breathe your words?
can i be a star, can i be a cross?

carry me, i'm tearing up
for the grief, for the loss

carry me, i'll bring you
to where we were
before