You asked if I hate you and said that I should
The last time that you did
What you did

And I don't

I don't hate you
I hate myself

You make me hate myself
You reach deep down inside
Grab all my fears and insecurities
Shove them back down my throat
With all the force you can find deep within
Yourself

You claim to love me
Yet you abandon me in need
And claim I'm too overwhelming
You can't care for me
But oh
You love me

You dont make me hate you
You make me hate myself
You grab every single thing I fear
And you light it on fire infront of my face
As you force me to watch

You claim to love me
Yet you cheat on me when I'm incapacitated
And claim you have no memory
So you can't take accountability
But oh
You love me

You don't make me hate you
You make me hate myself
You grab every single thing I hate about myself
And hold up the magnifying glass to all of it
As you force me to comply

You claim to love me
But then you criticize me when I'm looking for a compliment
And claim you didn't understand what I need
You didn't understand that it was mean
But oh
You love me

No I dont hate you
I hate me.

But man am I ******* angry
At everything you do.

I hate you
I HATE you
I HATE YOU
I wish to scream in your face
I wish to scream until my voice is erased

But you're also everything to me
Everything in me
SCREAMS
I love you
Dont go

Although you dont love me
The way that I love you
Or you wouldn't ruin me
Everytime we get back
Together

You care more about your satisfaction
Than my emotional reaction

You cheat
You lie
You hurt me
And lay it all down in a pretty disguise

You love me
You take care of me
You keep me alive
But it's you I despise

I HATE YOU
But please
Stay here

I long for a place that only exists in my dreams
I long for a feeling that only resides
In its depth of unreality
I long for a place that I can't reach
I long for a feeling that I can't breach
Full and utter peace

Take my disabilities
And extract them out of my body

Extract the very part of me
That people have an issue with
Extract the essence of me

Take the autism
And tear it apart
Rip it to shreds and burn it
Because all of them
Have an issue with it

Take the CFS
And lay it down to rest
Tranquilize it and put it to sleep
Because all of them
Have an issue with it

Take the FND
And turn off its functionality
Ruin its muscles so it loses its grasp
Because all of them
Have an issue with it

Take the DID
And put the people inside of me
Out of their missery
Because all of them
Have an issue with it

Take the POTS
And stop its heart
Neurtralize its beating
Because all of them
Have an issue with it

They
People
Them
Everyone
Except the rare few
But they're too far and in-between
To stop my suffering

"Why does your face look like that"
"Why are you so obsessed with that"
"Why do you talk so loud"
"Why are you so quiet"
"Why do you have so many stuffies"
"Why do you carry a stuffie around like a child"
"Why cant you go to busy places with me"
"Why cant you take a buss"
"Why cant you live alone"
"Why cant you work"
"Why do you have a wheelchair"
"Why cant u walk today"
"Why cant you make your own food"
"Why do u spend so much money"
"Why do you sleep so much"
"Why don't you respond sometimes"
"Why cant we hangout"
"Why are you always so tired"
Why cant you just be normal

Extract my disabilities from my body
And bury them into the core of earth
So that they'll never again be unearthed

I reach deep down to the memories within
This vast space
Where it's all stored

I reach deep within
But my fingers only graze them
I try to grasp onto one
With all my might
But it slips between my fingers
And disappears out of sight

Sometimes I manage to pick one up
But then it slips and falls
It rolls away and disappears into the depths
No longer stored with the rest

I have concluded to leave the space be
Stop trying to grab onto the memories
But I stare at where they're stored
And slowly watch them fade
And distort
Until they're no longer visible

It doesnt matter if I leave them
It doesn't matter if I grab them
It doesn't matter if I move them
It doesn't matter if I try to keep them safe
Or pay them no attention

It doesn't matter
Because regardless of my action
They disappear
They fade
They vanish
So now I relinquish my hold
And I sit folded up
And I stare

Knees to my chest
Head to my knees
Arms wrapped
And body trapped

I stare
I sit there for hours
And keep watch
And slowly
They fade

Sometimes they flicker
Sometimes they glow
And it fills the void
Makes me warm

Sometimes an empty slot
Will fizzle
And spark
And it fills the void
Makes me smile

But then it dies
And I die along with it
A little bit each time

Age 5
Keeping it all to myself
Because I'm just a kid
I'm not old enough to know
Real pain

Age 8
Doing the same
As I hide away
Because I'm not old enough
To know real hardship

Age 9
Crying everyday
But I have nothing real
To cry over
As I'm too young to understand
Real issues

Age 10
Hiding the cuts and scrapes
Because I'm not old enough
To know how life really treats you

Age 12
Fading away
Locked up in a room
While I get told that I'm not old enough
For real issues

Age 13
No old enough to know
How bad ones body can really feel
Not old enough to really feel tired all the time
Not old enough

Age 16
Not old enough to know
The real struggles of an adult
Not old enough to know how hard money is to manage

Age 18
Its only been one year
Im not old enough to know
What its really like to be an adult
I'm not old enough to know true disability

Almost 20 now
Am I old enough yet?

You look at me for the first time
After I lose my memory of you
And I see a stranger
Giving me a lovely look
And I feel confused
By the way you look at me

I recap my memory with some assistance from you
You love me
I love you
Or that's what you tell me
But you're a stranger
This doesn't feel lovely
This feels lonely

Few weeks go by
Things are lovely
Sometimes
But when I collapse and I break
And I need you to help me back to shore
You're nowhere in sight
And I drown
And I'm lonely

I drown and just before I go under
I see you on the shore
Watching me
Observing me
And when I yell for your help
One last time
You yell back that you cant help me
From the shore
You're too far away to do anything

You don't jump in to try
You don't attempt to save me
You just allow me to drown
As you watch
So lonely

But when I can swim
All on my own
When I'm not drowning
You carry me around
You swim with me on your back
You hold my hand in the water
So lovely

I don't understand how you ended up on the shore
Right as I begin to drown
And I don't understand how you can no longer carry me
Right when I need it
Lo(n/v)ely