Feeling deep in my chest
Like I'm forgetting something
Or somebody
Important to me
Or what used to be

Feeling deep within
Like I'm empty
Where something important
Once stood
And whispered to me

Feelings
Fading
Along with memories
I held dear
And ones I have longed
To forget for awhile

I know you're missing
I know you're lost
But where the emptiness is
I cant seem to reach
To pull you back up
To the surface
Of being important to me

You've faded into
Nothing more
Than a lost memory

I dont need it
Your touch
But I crave it
The way it makes my skin warm
The way it makes me sweat
The way it makes me shy away
From you
As you pull me ever closer
Against you
Onto you
As you pull me into you
And yourself into me

I dont need it
Your touch
Or atleast thats the way
I wish my mouth
Would say the words
But instead I whisper

"I need you"
"I crave you"
"I cant live without this"
"Touch me, please, I beg"
"Devour me with new memories
Fade the old ones"

I don't just want it
I need it
And if you cant provide
I cant provide you
With my love
Because the need comes from above

Above my mind
Above my own heart
Beyond and before

It comes from before
When the only love I knew
Was when he touched me
So the only love I craved
Was him defiling me
So now I crave to be defiled by you

People love you more
The more you hate yourself

You love the way I cry
When something inside me
Once again dies

You love the way
It gives all opportunity
To save me

You love the way I scar
After I cleanse myself
Deep inside

You love the way
That my memories of you
Will never fade from my body

You love the way it hurts
When you love me
Internally

You love that it means
I dont feel as if I was loved
By so many others

You love that im broken
You love the I'm damaged
You love that you can save me
You love the way I cling to every nice word
Action
And promise

But you hate the way
That I can learn
To love myself
Even when I hate
That I exist

I dont wanna die
I just wanna know that I can
But I wont try

I'll take every word you speak
And I'll drown undearneath
What each word means

I'll cut til I bleed enough
That it's all I can see
And maybe get dizzy

I'll fantasize and research
Finding any possible way
That would for sure be permanent

I'll cut over top of veins
And relish the pain
As I think of him

I'll drown underneath a blanket
Of trauma
Broken dreams
And PTSD

I'll drown underneath every memory
Where someone
Hurt me

I'll make you feel seen
So that you fall in love with me
The way I
Fell in love with you

I'll give you what you want
Even if that means
Tearing apart every single
Thing I need

I require love
I require touch
I collapse when alone

My lungs collapse
And I cant breath

My thoughts collapse
And I can't see

My heart collapses
And I cant do anything
But crave the need
To be in your arms
Or anyones

I cling
And I break myself
For you

They all take advantage
Of my need
For another

They take the blade
That I hold
And they drive it deep
With every lost action
Every cold word
Every false promise
Every "I love you" filled with air

They take my love
And leave it
Completely in
Misrepair

The urge to scream the words
I LOVE YOU
At the top of my lungs

The urge to scream the words
DONT LEAVE ME
At the top of my lungs

The urge to scream
WHY DO YOU ONLY LOVE ME
WHEN IT MEANS GETTING ATTENTION
At the top of my lungs

The urge to scream at you
All the things I want to say
Abandon whats right
Abandon whats wrong
Abandon everything except
The words within

I want to keep you
But I want to be kept in a state of happy
And you don't do that

I want to keep you
But you only wanna keep me
When it means my affection

If I'm exhausted
If I'm tired
If I'm depressed
If I'm sad
If I'm anything that requires
That I get without giving
Even for a moment
You dissappear from me
Or you treat me
Like a stray cat
That you abandoned
Because it no longer suited you

But the urge to keep you
Makes me ignore this
Over
And over
And over
AGAIN
Because I love you
But I dont think you love me
You just loved my codependency

Mom is what you're called
Or should be atleast
But I have you named as Parasite
In my contacts
Because you leech my emotions
Out of my body

We have a relationship
I dont hate
And dont admire
But you as a person
I despise
When it comes to me

"Can you zip up my dress?"
Where were you when I needed you
To do the same?

"Please stop leaving messes everywhere"
Its just a wrapper or two
And I do my best to keep things clean
For you

"Somones coming by but I need to leave. Can u talk to them for me?"
Wheres the acknowledgment of my disabilities?
The inability to be in the presence of whome I don't know

"Can u adjust my bra straps for me?"
Where were you when mine were removed
Unconsensually
By many
By one who you supposedly loved
Very obviously above your love for me

"People dont think you should still be living with me"
"My boyfriend doesn't approve of us moving together"
"You need to do more if you're gonna still live with me"
"I shouldn't have to be home so often"
Do you tell them about my disabilities?
Or do you dismiss them verbally as you do internally?

You have no regard to my health or my safety
Until it potentially means losing me for good

You have no regards to my health or my safety
Until I have to help you emotionally