Why am I always crying?
Everyone around me is always
so lighthearted and upbeat
laughing and
talking and
smiling and
I'm just sitting off to the side
with a sour look on my face,
feeling like I'm on the outside peering in,
like I don't belong.
What is their secret?
What are they doing that I'm not?
Why can't I just be like everyone else?
What's wrong with me?
Why can't I be happy?!

They say the truth sets you free,
but it only puts me in chains,
roots me like a tree
no matter what society claims.

Sometimes I start thinking
What if I had lied?
Would I still be sitting here sinking?
Would you not have cried?

Sometimes some things
should be taken to the grave.
Because the truth hurts, it stings.
I never said I was brave...

There is a place where my world ends
And before your's begins,
And there is a bridge that's old and broken
And there no words are ever spoken
And there my thoughts are free and open
To drag me down and condemn.

Let me leave this place where I'm all alone
And stuck with demons I cannot defend.
Past the oceans filled from my tears
I shall run with a run that may take years,
And past my most delicate and darkest fears
From the place where my world ends.

Yes I'll run with a run that may take years
And past my most delicate and darkest fears.
Oh, but I'll always hear the screams in my ears
From the place where my world ends!

Over the years you've
played with my heartstrings,
pulled them taught,
became my puppeteer.
I tried to convince myself
that I didn't need you,
that I would be happier
without your harsh words
or controlling nature.
But without you I lay in a lifeless heap
unused
unloved
umimportant
Because you're he only one who sees me
even if It's just for my body
instead of my brain.
And even if I never know what love feels like
I'll at least  feel the tension from the strings
tearing me away
when I try to follow my own path.
Because if I've learned anything
pain feels better than feeling nothing at all.

Daddy Daddy, it appears
that all you care about is beer.
How come when I'm near
it's always like I'm not even here?

I'll write down what I feel
because to me it is real.
I know I'm always crying
and my mouth is always lying
that all I do is drag you down
that you're better off without me around.
So I'm going to stop telling you things
I'll go off and spread my wings
and let you finally be free
of me.
So when I'm alone and afraid,
I'll put my pencil to the page.
I'll write off my feelings that are blue
because I can no longer talk to you

Where there is light,
love will always follow
Where there is darkness
I will be your flashlight

When I fall in love,
I fall hard.
Flat on my face,
scraping both knees,
scuffing both hands.
And no,
I'm not gonna need a band aid
I'm gonna need stitches,
I'm gonna have scars.
I guess that's what I get
for falling so hard.

They say opposites attract.
It's even proven by science.
Two poles will always
fit together like puzzle pieces,
like they were made for each other,
while two poles from the same place
will always repel each other
no matter how hard you try
to force the two together.
Everyone I know dreams
that their soulmate will be just like them,
that they'll be able to bond
over similar stories and interests.
But I'll be out there
looking for my polar opposite.
Because if I can't trust my heart,
I trust science.

If they say you get
a penny for your thoughts
wouldn't I be a millionaire by now?

As we stared down at my bed,
the unrumpled sheets military made
awful thoughts ran though my head
and refused to fade away.
We took off each other's clothes,
my hands shaking like leaves
and right before he laid me down I froze
"I don't think I can do it," I breathed.
And that's when he pulled me in close,
our bodies throbbing with heat,
and that's when I realized I loved him the most,
that he was the one that made me complete.
And as he gently lowered me onto the sheets
the fears I had felt began to retreat...

Self love.
Something I'm incapable of.

I'm like a jigsaw puzzle,
I'm worthless without others
surrounding me.
Others who make me look more
interesting, and kinder, and funnier
than I really am.

Because deep down I'm
a scared little girl with eyes
so wide you can see the whites.
A naive little girl who
falls in love and
gets trapped like a fly
stuck in a spider's web.
A brat of a little girl who is
too ignorant and too quick
to question and judge others.

Self love.
Something I will never be capable of.
Because I will never accept
the person I really am.

Because I despise myself more
than I despise my worst enemy

I'll never be able
to count the stars in the sky,
just like I'll never be able
to make you love me.
I would sell my soul
and spend an eternity in hell
just to spend a single second with you
in your arms
in your head
in your heart
Sometimes I wish I could
cast a spell on you
and make you love me
so that you could be
in my brain
in my body
in my life
But I know no matter how often
I open my eyes
the only place we'll ever be together
is inside my mind.

You are my everything.
Words cannot even describe,
but I will try.
You're my first waking thought,
the last before I sleep
and then there you are
weaved into my dreams.
eat, sleep, love you, repeat.
You are my everything.

I want to talk to you
but I can't.

It would be too awkward
with the looming elephant
in the room,
the thing that divided us
like the sun and the moon.

The chasm between us is only widening
with each passing day
because I find it frightening
just to look you in the eye
because of the things I've done.

And because of my mistakes
I am no longer the one
who gets to hold you tight.
I'm the reason
that I sleep alone at night...

I want to be the type of person
who inspires others,
who has people look up to me
like I look up to my idols.
I want to be the type of person
who picks people up
when they're down
and looking to the ground.
I want to be the type of person
who can be depended on
and is like a rock
for those who are crumbling.
I want to be the type of person
who does the right things
and who has a good sense
of judgment and justice.
I want to be the type of person
who is loved
and won't hesitate
to give love where there is loss.
But most of all
I want to be the type of person
who you love
because you are all that I need to be happy
and when I'm around you
I don't have to be anybody but myself.

Have you ever betrayed someone's trust,
felt like your heart just slammed
into your stomach because you
just did the unthinkable?

Did you apologize
and then a little later
betray that person's trust again
because you're so **** selfish
you couldn't even begin to fathom
how your actions might affect
the person you say you love?

I am one of those people.
I have no boundaries.
I'd do anything to fulfill
the empty feelings inside of me
that only another can fill.

And no I won't turn to you for things.
I'll go to your best friend,
or someone who has a girlfriend,
someone who gives me the attention
I need in the moment
because I always forget
that the word consequences exists.

I no longer have a moral compass
I can't even trust myself
or look at myself
in the mirror each morning.
Because If can't even keep
my promises to myself
how am I supposed to keep
my promises to you?

Paintbrush in my hand,
yellow paint at the ready
to add the last finishing touches.

It's a landscape of a bright sunset
bleeding into dark waters.
Its beautiful beyond compare,
enough to make anyone smile
at just the mere sight of it.

But I'm frowning.
Because where I make a masterpiece,
I see a piece of work.

Just like when I look
into the mirror everything morning.
I see features of my face
that could be painted over
or blended in to look prettier
like the other girls at my school.

But unlike my artwork that I can
fix and fool around with until I'm pleased,
I can't change my face into
a work of art that I can be proud of.
I  know I will always feel like a failed project.

I really am my worst critic...

even though I'm almost 18
I still see the world through
the eyes of a child.

Soon I'll go off to college
and pull out my hair
trying to pay the bills,
but just for one moment,
while I'm still on the border
of adolescent and adult,
I want to do the things I used to do.

I want to rewind time to winter
where there was a mug of hot chocolate
waiting for me on the kitchen table
after hours of making angels in the snow.

I want to travel back to spring
where I'd race my bikes
with the neighborhood kids,
splashing through puddles and
spouting out elementary insults
and feeling on top of the world.

I want to go back summers ago
where I giggled under the dying light
as I caught fireflies in plastic containers
and danced in the dark green grass.

I want to go back to fall
where I would sit on the couch
cowering over horror movies,
burying my face into a blanket whenever
the scary parts came on the screen,
because I wanted to feel like a big girl.

And now that I'm nearly a big girl,
whose stuck between the seasons,
I know I no longer want to be one.
That I wish I would have stayed
within those younger years
just a little longer.

The poet's eyes
are just like everyone else's,
but in front of those eyes
are a pair of rose tinted glasses.

I wish there was a parallel universe
where I could have you.
Where I could wake up next to you
and be the happiest person alive.
Where you and I could be together
out on the town, the night lights
radiating your imperfections that
I've come to love so much.
Where I could sit you down
to meet my parents
and see their faces shining with pride
because their daughter is dating someone
rich in love instead of wealth.
Where we could hold hands
and walk down the street
without the world telling us we're wrong.

I know I would find it fun to live a different life,
but really I just wish there was a parallel universe
so that I could make you happy.

Breakups rhymes with makeups
because the two go hand in hand.
Love straps you in for a loop-de-loop
it slams you from side to side
and just when you think you're safe,
that you've finally reached your peak
you p
       l
       u
       m
       m    
       e
       t
       .
And just like a roller coaster,
it can either be fun or scary
depending on the person.
And though I enjoy roller coasters,
love terrifies me.

Baby, I will do anything.

I'll **** myself,
trash my mental health,
commit social suicide,
throw away my pride.

I'll play your game of black jack.
Please just take me back.

Baby, I will do anything!

Waking up in a pool of sweat and tears,
my memories haunting my nightmares.
I had just fallen asleep at 2 a.m
because I stayed up all night stressing.
Because I was afraid to face you
the following morning.

I thought I'd slept for hours,
that I had just forgotten
to set my alarm on accident.
But when I squinted to see,
the red numbers only read 3.
And though I'm physically tired,
I've never felt more mentally awake.

Have you ever been so upset
that you feel like your heart
is going to beat out of your chest?
That you're going to have
a heart attack and die?
That your finally going to understand
what it literally means
to die of a broken heart?

Little girl with wide, scared eyes
doesn't know what to do with her life,
or how to make her own decisions.
She knows what mommy and daddy would want,
but their ideas seem boring and off.

Little girl with puffed out cheeks,
and eye rolls and snarky comments,
wants to rule her own life and
everyone around her.
She's selfish and rude and doesn't
take account for her own actions.

Little girl with cut up wrists
doesn't know where everything went wrong.
All she knows is that the pain
makes her feel sane, in the moment,
but, in the end, makes her feel worse.

Little girl with a high school diploma
finally needs to **** it up and grow up.
The world won't stop for her.
All it cares about is whether she's paid her taxes.
She needs to realize that not everyone
is going to love her.
Not even herself.

You told me you loved me
and I said It back,
not knowing you meant it in that way.

I want you dead.
That thought constantly crawling in my head.
I have never hated anybody
until the day you laid eyes on me.

From my first day of life
you've caused me nothing but strife.
You've always been there,
but I know you don't care.
All you've done is chain me down.
You say you love me, but you want me to drown.

You hit me and you mock me,
you take away my ecstasy.
I'm constantly looking behind my back,
afraid, if I step wrong, I'll get smacked.

I hate you so much
I shiver at even your touch
or the sound of your booming voice.
Oh, If you died I'd rejoice
and the angels would sing from heaven!

Sometimes I feel driven
to do the world a favor.
Hell, if I was braver
I would have fulfilled this very vision.

That is, if I wouldn't go to prison...

It's been near a year
but I still miss you.
You hate my guts
but I still love you.

I should have known
you didn't miss me
when you went days
without speaking to me.
I should have known
you didn't love me
when you didn't take the time to know
my brain like you did my body.

But now you're gone.

My bed is empty and cold.
But I don't care about that.
I miss the laughs and smiles
that I had to work to get out of you.
I loved the way your eyes lit up
when you talked about something you loved.

And now I know that something
was never going to be me.

When we broke up you never gave
any sort of apology for the things you did,
but instead you said

"Well, at least the *** was great."

Staring back at a skeleton,
watching the sharp, jutting
edges of my ribs ripple
like ocean waves whenever I move.
I can see the bones in my
back
chest
arms
legs
hands
And even though I'm near my death bed
all I see is a fat girl instead.

People always think I use the words
"I love you" too fast,
but what they don't know
is that I've loved you for years.
You just never noticed me.

I can't control my emotions.
You have the right to want what you want
while I have the right to want what I want .
we're only human.
We ***** up, we fight, we make up,
we start back from square one.
I try to find the common ground
shared between us,
but one of us always gets hurt.
And if one of us gets hurt it's never her.
Because I love her.
I can't stand to see her upset
and I don't have the right to be happy.

On the verge of tears.
I never cry in front of people.
I haven't in years.

But then there was you
who didn't know
when to let things go.
Then there was you
who continued to poke the stick
at the bear
like it'd do the trick,
like it'd make me feel better
instead of under the weather.

Every time people pry
I cry.
I explode,
going full throttle
down the wrong road.

Then you wonder why I'm upset
when you were the one who wouldn't let
me be in peace.
Jeez...

"Write," people say.
"It'll help with the pain."
But what if every time I pick up a pencil
I only go more insane?

I stay in my depression.
I can't say I'm brave.
I'm stuck on this merry-go- round
and I no longer want to play.

It doesn't make me stronger.
It only makes me sadder.
If this goes on any longer
I know I will decay.

Writing is a reminder
of where and how I went wrong.
It reminds me of the regrets,
I'm hearing the same old song.

So when people tell me to write
I want to sit and scream.
All I ever wanted was
to leave this dreadful dream.

There's a monster that lurks in the shadows
waiting for the right moment to strike,
so it can dig its fangs into a human,
tear its flesh limb from limb.
It'll wait as long as it takes
if it means it can take the time
to savor the ****
and quench its thirst for blood.

I'll lurk in the shadows
and wait for the right opportunity
to rob you of your humanity.
I'll lie, cheat, and steal
to cover up my crimes.
I don't care if I ruin your life
as long as your downfall benefits mine.
Am I really any different from the monster?

Dating me is like
getting a new puppy.
I might look cute and cuddly
in the animal shelter,
but when you take me home
you realize all I do is
*** on your floor and
chew up your furniture.

Do I have the power
to inspire with just a pen?
To give up fighting
my way through this world
with a sword and
pick up a passion instead?

My tongue is a double-edged sword.
Every time I open my mouth
I hurt others.

But I hurt myself even more.

Because the words that leave my lips
are words spoken by a monster.
Words that fly out furiously
whenever I feel like a hurt animal
that's backed into a corner.

They're always followed with a tsunami of
"I'm sorry"s
and me using whatever charm I have left
to make you forgive me.

So I can do it again.

It's a vicious cycle,
one that has, over time, became my prison.

A prison I don't have the key to...

You ripped my heart out of my chest,
robbed me of the one thing I had left.
You sealed my heart in a jar
and hung it up high like the stars.

But, no, mine isn't the only one you've taken.
I've forgotten about all the other girls you've shaken,
who over the years you've teased and toyed with.
I guess it really wasn't just a myth...

Do you like her more
because she's more talkative?
Because she comes as blunt as a pencil
but with words that stab like a knife?
Do I need to change
in order for you to like me?

Because I know when you look at me all you see
is someone who is not her.
Someone that is not worth your affection and time.

Your actions stab me like a knife.
Stab.
when I saw you two walking together.
Stab.
when I heard you tell her she was beautiful.
Stab.
When I smelled the remnants of her perfume on you.

You're killing me slowly,
never hitting a major artery,
always torturing me.

If I walked out today would you chase me?
Would you grab my hand on the way out the door?
Would you tell me you loved me?
Would I say it back?

If I cried in front of you would you comfort me?
Would you sit and stare at me uncomfortably?
Would you tell me to dry my tears?
Would I only cry harder?

If I lied to you would you hate me?
Would you make me tell you the truth?
Would you lose all trust in me?
Would I deserve to be trusted again?

If I asked you to marry me would you say yes?
Would we both be ready to live our lives together?
Would I be happy with you?
Would you be happy with me?

I've changed so much over these last few months
even the girl in the mirror doesn't know me anymore.
Because all I do now is flip on people.
The mask I've tried so hard to keep up has slipped.

I've dragged down everyone around me.
I've made you not even wanna look at me.
I've made me start to hate myself.

I can no longer look at myself
because the girl in the mirror is going to judge me.
Because I know I've dragged her down too.
I need to pull my mask back up
before she hates me just like you do

You handcuff me to you
and hover over me,
waiting for me to make a mistake
so you can correct me and say
"I told you so."

You love me too much.
I hate you for that.
Most kids my age grew up without
both parents by their side
and make sure to remind me of
how lucky I am.
How they have it worse.

But do they have an alcoholic, abusive dad?
Do they have to stress
because they're held to a higher standard
than everyone else?
Do they have to sit out from every social event
because their parents are afraid that if they
give them a leash they'll take mile?

Maybe I'm just an ungrateful spoiled brat
or maybe they just don't wanna believe
that the grass isn't always greener
on the other side.

I have no one to talk to
no one to vent to
no one to take off the burdens
no one to set me free.

He used to listen to me
he used to care about what I had to say.
I used to care about him
before he cared about her instead.

Now I'm all alone
to cry about my dad.
Now I'm all alone
to deal with my insecurities.
Now I'm all alone
to fight against the knife.

Now no words have left my lips
since his lips have been on her.

Drawing lines on myself
with a knife in place of a pen,
wanting someone to see,
anyone to see.

Because no one sees
that my tears are a cry for help,
that whenever I make suicide jokes
they're less of joke
and more of a fantasy.
That I don't just wear sleeves all the time
because I'm constantly cold.

So I'll finish my sketch
and display it for everyone to see.
I hope everyone likes it.
Not everyone likes abstract art after all...

"He loves me," I sigh,
before I pick the petal.
"H-he loves me not..."

You call me your goddess.
That I rule over all that
is intelligent and beautiful
You never hesitate to
put me up on a podium
and praise me for my qualities

And how did I earn this position?
By being myself.
He doesn't force me to change,
he doesn't even want me to change

I wish everybody could be like that.
That instead of setting the bar high and
having expectations for others,
that we can give each other more hugs
and congratulate one another.

That everybody can have somebody in their lives
that lifts them up instead of puts them down.
That makes them feel like just as much as a goddess
as my boyfriend makes me feel.