Nightmares chasing me,
keeping me from sleep,
Oh, this ptsd
is really binding me,
can't even be alone to dream
of sunshine and roses and happy things
when all you do is haunt me
and rob me of my sleep...

I could write you a poem from the heart
but I don't think you'd like it.
I don't think you'd even finish the poem,
let alone skim each line,
I'm pretty sure you wouldn't take the time
to find a deeper meaning
in the abyss of words
that make up my mind
or be able to keep yourself
from jumping to conclusions
on what my metaphors mean.
So if you asked me to write you a poem,
I would just hand you a blank piece of paper,
because writing a poem for you
is just a waste of time
just like every second I ever spent on you,
every feeling faltering,
every word a write off,
every metaphor meaningless.
I'll never write you another poem again
because you deserve to be kept in the dark,
because you don't deserve to know
just how bad you really hurt me.

It's too good to be true
that I still have you,
to hold and love forever,
for I know bad weather
will soon ****** us apart,
and rip out my heart,
and I'll hate myself too,
for believing that our love was once true.

These walls are closing in,
crushing my lungs and body within.
I never knew I was claustrophic
until this very moment,
with the ceiling crashing down,
and my world turning upside down,
and maybe I wouldn't feel so claustrophobic
if someone would finally support me
instead of constantly crushing me...

I'm scared.
Scared of losing it all,
that all of these good moments
I've been having are too good to be true
and it's just my heart telling me lies again
when in reality I'll never be worthy
of someone who actually
makes me feel like I'm worth
every breath I breathe
and every cell in my body,
that I'm worthy of someone who loves me
even on the days when
I find it impossible to love myself,
on those days when
I can't even make eye contact,
or meet my own eyes in the mirror,
or can do nothing but drag myself down.
I have someone who loves me for me now
and sometimes it's really scary,
sometimes I still have to pinch myself,
but you're here,
and you're breathing,
and I do deserve every breath I breathe
and every cell in my body.
I deserve this feeling,
and I deserve to be with you,
because if I didn't,
then all the years of suffering
would have been for nothing.