This guilt has wormed its way deep,
digging it's way inside of me,
making me feel empty,
and lost,
and unhappy.
I want so badly to reach
for that place deep inside of me
and rip it out,
cut it down
before it can grow bigger,
and thicker,
and way out of control,
but If I've learned anything it's that
lies make people stay
and the truth pushes them away...

A notebook full of fantasies,
filled to the brim with words
I've always been too afraid to say out loud.
Love letters never sent,
memories never spent,
because the love never existed
in the first place,
you've only ever been an idea
that I've meticulously made up
inside my mind.
The perfect person doesn't exist
and I know I'm still a kid,
but when I look at you, I wonder,
Are you my perfect person?
Or am i just getting my hopes up again?

Today is the day.
Exactly one year ago,
there was you and me
spread out on the bed sheets.
We laid out our bodies for each other on easels
and you were my work of art,
all smiles and 'I love yous' and promises of forever
as I gave myself to you
and you gave yourself to me
on those rumpled sheets,
a perfect tale of young teens.
Now, no matter how much I will myself,
I can't recall that day without crying
because I know that day lead to the last few good days
I had before our chapter ended,
before you closed the book
on a perfectly good story
and left me with nothing
but a trail of empty pages
to pick up by myself.
Sometimes I wish
I wasn't such a sucker for fairy tales...

Thin and frail,
worn and tired.
When will this end?
When will I finally look in the mirror
and see someone worth loving?
someone whose worth holding the breath in their lungs
and the food in their stomach,
someone who deserves the same amount
of tender attention I dump on others everyday.
I'm afraid that day will never come
because I'm still stuck in this mindset,
falling in and out of this vicious cycle,
fading in and out of existence,
and because all I'll ever see when I look in the mirror
is a monster whose
thin and frail and
worn and tired.

My heart doesn't beat,
It ticks,
like one of those old grandfather clocks
you see in movies
about to strike out.
Midnight turns to morning
and only time will tell
what plans fate has with us,
and whether she'll be cruel or kind
I'll never know till the very end,
but at least I know
that right now,
right here, in this moment with you,
I don't regret a single second.

I have a fire in my throat
and angry, tired eyes.
I've seen a thing or two
I've flown as far as the moon,
and these experiences,
these burdens,
have aged me far beyond my years.
I no longer feel fear
or happiness or sadness,
all that's left is this madness
that I just can't seem to shake.
So leave me alone before I break,
because I have a fire in my throat
and angry tired eyes
that aren't afraid
to watch you die:)

Is it normal to be this sad?
Will I ever see past today?
because I can't remember
a day I haven't felt this way...