Self love.
Something I'm incapable of.

I'm like a jigsaw puzzle,
I'm worthless without others
surrounding me.
Others who make me look more
interesting, and kinder, and funnier
than I really am.

Because deep down I'm
a scared little girl with eyes
so wide you can see the whites.
A naive little girl who
falls in love and
gets trapped like a fly
stuck in a spider's web.
A brat of a little girl who is
too ignorant and too quick
to question and judge others.

Self love.
Something I will never be capable of.
Because I will never accept
the person I really am.

Because I despise myself more
than I despise my worst enemy

I'll never be able
to count the stars in the sky,
just like I'll never be able
to make you love me.
I would sell my soul
and spend an eternity in hell
just to spend a single second with you
in your arms
in your head
in your heart
Sometimes I wish I could
cast a spell on you
and make you love me
so that you could be
in my brain
in my body
in my life
But I know no matter how often
I open my eyes
the only place we'll ever be together
is inside my mind.

You are my everything.
Words cannot even describe,
but I will try.
You're my first waking thought,
the last before I sleep
and then there you are
weaved into my dreams.
eat, sleep, love you, repeat.
You are my everything.

I want to talk to you
but I can't.

It would be too awkward
with the looming elephant
in the room,
the thing that divided us
like the sun and the moon.

The chasm between us is only widening
with each passing day
because I find it frightening
just to look you in the eye
because of the things I've done.

And because of my mistakes
I am no longer the one
who gets to hold you tight.
I'm the reason
that I sleep alone at night...

I want to be the type of person
who inspires others,
who has people look up to me
like I look up to my idols.
I want to be the type of person
who picks people up
when they're down
and looking to the ground.
I want to be the type of person
who can be depended on
and is like a rock
for those who are crumbling.
I want to be the type of person
who does the right things
and who has a good sense
of judgment and justice.
I want to be the type of person
who is loved
and won't hesitate
to give love where there is loss.
But most of all
I want to be the type of person
who you love
because you are all that I need to be happy
and when I'm around you
I don't have to be anybody but myself.

Have you ever betrayed someone's trust,
felt like your heart just slammed
into your stomach because you
just did the unthinkable?

Did you apologize
and then a little later
betray that person's trust again
because you're so **** selfish
you couldn't even begin to fathom
how your actions might affect
the person you say you love?

I am one of those people.
I have no boundaries.
I'd do anything to fulfill
the empty feelings inside of me
that only another can fill.

And no I won't turn to you for things.
I'll go to your best friend,
or someone who has a girlfriend,
someone who gives me the attention
I need in the moment
because I always forget
that the word consequences exists.

I no longer have a moral compass
I can't even trust myself
or look at myself
in the mirror each morning.
Because If can't even keep
my promises to myself
how am I supposed to keep
my promises to you?