Gotta hit that
Get that last stop
Red line train
Sway, come this way
We compare *** to pixie dust
We hustle and bounce back
Voices clear, hear
We endear, endure, enter
Twine
Go this way, that, there
Rocks slipping and hitting
Sweet pavement can't make it
Hustle go back pur forward

I got red wine in my bag
Crystals and mythological
Creatures we tame and claim
With with with

With with with
Got sweet encouraging emails
Piling up high
My man flies on an airplane
Learning to love again
But we don't utter tangible words just yet, mature we got beards and manes
Lion emoji
Lion emoji.

Drip drap drat
Weekends comin' up
Cheers, squads surround me
Like I'm the queen of errythang
I got good and bad days
We all got good and bad
Raise cascade
Howard
I remember going this way
But now it's all

Exponentially different
Year 2.

Sign off, water spilling from the faucet
I imagine white and black paint
Wings to whisk me away
You will wish you hadn't missed out.

I recorded myself late into the night,
Lets create that reminder
My hair grows longer everyday,
I throw myself into the world
Because no one will for me.

Don't do what he did, don't talk like he did
Don't be silent like he did
But like I said
White and black paint cascade all around me
My wings, flying and flapping
So high.

A sunset, throwing things out of the window
Or miles and miles of snow
Answers wait to whisper my name
I hate technology, but I have to use it
To get by,
But I sign off because I refuse to wait.

A cocktail here, a cocktail there
Never enough time.
I have about 12 errands to run
And you don't seem to be one of them.

But thank you for the art,
Every single one of you
As my mother wishes a wedding veil were on my head
I leap in the air knowing,
In time.

But I won't fight, I won't force
And I sure as **** won't chase
Because girls like me,
We get chased.

Embryonic and chaotic
Catalytic is what everyone says as they pivot
Toward me
There is no man who could control my fate
So I let go of what was
What could be
What I want us to be.

Because I am a palette of colors and gems.

Mere days till you return
And I do too
I saw where you watched my Instagram story
I said slay away
You said yes mama.

The days continue to carry on
I move through yoga poses
My eye a little bit swollen
Working through this Monday
I don't alter my state
Because I want a clear head.

I wonder if you think on me
And it doesn't really matter either way
But I'm sure you do.

Nice to hear from you
He said.

I let myself be separated with dunes and sticks
You smoke cigarettes and post a pic
I mentally prepare myself for all of it
All of my life.

I've at last
Slipped into a better head space with it
I think on the tenderness that we shared
The long deep moments of eye contact
Or how we would look at one another
Across the room
Sensing each other there.

I know it hasn't disappeared
I think of how I gobbled up mineral water
Stepped into the sunshine
Biked alongside mountains
And I simplify my look
And my life.

Mere days
Mere days
I know the love is still there.

Just about swallowed a mouthful
Of ginger
I'm so ******* tired.

Its good, its sweet, I sweat
Without glistening
Fires, I sent them all around me
Dancing in the center
The movie star of my own life
I've seen my leading man
Fall through pits in the ground
I stop sometimes, take a deep look, trying to fish them out
Until an army of beautiful distractions
Pulled me away.

Decided to stay in tonight
Cathartically luxuriate in solitude
Beautiful words exchanged next to an atm
I snap photos of my friends
In our own way
We are all up here
Naked
Getting body painted.

Whiskey ginger
A man that likes my best friend
Called me last night
Beautiful Innovator and I laid on my gypsy bed
I talked about you.

Dodging bullet
I sop and stamp out mud
The mud that sank deep into my pores
Your new girls best friend was out with us last night
And she ******* dug me.

Twirling, twirling in red, blue, and white
Sometimes--I'll think back
To just how you wanted your voice to sound
"Thats what we do"
As if chewing on a toothpick
The toothpick of everything you wanted me to be
So that you could cower and hide
In your lack of
Your lack of
Your lack of

To connect.
To build.
Two of my favorite things in this entire world.

Ain't no man out there that can take that from me.

A beautiful woman caught my eye last night
She hung a tree glued into a bullet shell around my neck
The string broke the next morning
I took it off for work
And hung it on my polaroids and special trinkets
She said it guarded against darkness and death
What a year its been.

We gotta change the date
I guess sentimentality can indeed wait
As those higher up than us command the states
My voice still so raspy
I put certain things away
Can't afford that
Can't afford that
But most of the time I feel so good in the pits of my soul
But sometimes at work
I catch myself feeling so much hurt.

The hurt.
Shall we address it?
Or keep it as a little secret
A secret hidden in the crevices of a music box
That I am sure you now too, store under your bed
Or the treaty gift I gave you
Just around Valentine's day
A new man once again
Sleeps in my bed.

Dark like the epitome of the night
He cuddled me all night
I woke from a strangling sensation
Anxiety overwhelming me
He woke up too, reassured me
Held me
Remember
Remember
Don't you remember
I try to forget.

Its whatever.
It didn't last for that long
You were a fake, a mistake
Threw me away within minutes
"**** boy"
Hung across every room
It trickles and weighs in the sockets of my eyeballs
At times
But then I do, I remember
A series of negative harmful cards
Played out in front of my eyes
As if I were to never escape
"Is there anything I should know, or warn her about"
Your new girlfriends best friend asked me
"God bless."
Was all I really said.

Silence.
There truly is something golden about silence.
I wasn't kidding when I told you
One day you would have to see my name everywhere
But may God bless.

I'm so tired.
Theres so much to be done, to do
Chicago whirls and whispers just like the wind
I remember standing in East Lakeview
My father took pictures of me
Not much has changed
But then
Everything has changed.

Lets let it be a lesson
I don't know where this takes me
I don't want to hate you
But I go get drinks after work
My plans to avoid your presence
And all the ways in which
You made it about you and you and you and you and you
and you and you and you and you and you and you and you and
And
And
and
&

She allowed herself
To be happy.

I sticky glued my fingers
A scratchy callous feeling remaining
We watch film after film
I wave cutely in the audience
At the mention of my name
Photographers perking up
I study old hollywood movie stars
Make business phone calls in alley ways at work
I don't know what anything is gonna look like.

I'm working on this endeavor
Called really truly loving myself
Self care coupled with giving the utmost support
Active attention and love
To those around me
And I've found the feasibleness of that act
Becomes more profound
The less inner turmoil
You, yourself own.

Even if life whizzes and purrs
In a multitude of chaotic circles and squares
Around you, this is the face we have
This is the body we control
The mind we bare witness to
And the heart we give
Take care of it
Hold it tenderly
But also

Let go.

I feel the most unpopular among my family, my friends
My lovers, my haters
I feel the most unpopular
And like things just can't seem to go well
I feel the most unpopular
And probably the most miserable I have been
In a very very long time.

Trains hum and whistle
Throw me into my next location
She's got her pink shirt on this morning
The one that matches her dearest friend
Greeting me in the morning
I'm happiest when she's happiest with her own insides
Cuz she's my Chicago ride or die.

We hiss with great spirits
Making marks with multi colored
Intricate paint
Debating and lighting our own paths
Trusting the two beacons
Light houses intertwining
Causes the ultimate
Urban city woven sunshine.

It's the boys who got the power for now
I tattoo my skin to remember
That forever is no forever
She sparks a fire in her butterfly bones
And in my yellow flowered unicorn
Splashed away at the sea
Trusting the hands of the clocks
With our own fingers
Little lady limbs
We move with our own
Soft force.

I wonder what she smells and sees today
I dedicate love poetry to my women
Because they stand next to me
And deeply understand
Even if they don't.

Dark curly tendrils beckon whispers
From highlighted crowds
We wear invisible crowns
On our heads
Especially when she's next to me.

Because she's the midnight
To my versatile glow.

I just wrote half a poem

And deleted every bit of it.


I don't really have anything new to say.

But my heart aches and longs
To give strength and power
To those I cannot physically be there for right now
And my mind longs to wash away all the toxicity
It becomes easier and easier
To face and live my own truth.

Slumping into the quick sand
Of what was and wasn't
Its no surprise he flees before I visit
Its no surprise I mark on a white page
Each day that passes without you
Its no surprise my mind flickers to what you must think or feel
Or that I craft just how to surpass
----------just like these dashes----------
Or that no one really can blame me
I could write or type or paint my face
With the word "Free" a thousand ******* times
Or "****"
Or
Flame
But its me thats gotta be--believe it, see it


I was feelin' a lil blue
Blue about not bein' there
Handin' out menus to fat babies and mothers
Fathers that glance at me from corners
But wet fire from my mouth and sweet revenge
Everyone in big cities is so ******' selfish
But, but, but
Me--filled with love and joy
Palettes of paint
Make me dance on into this Saturday
Living breathing my own truth
Night.

I stopped loving you
The moment you told me to hit you
And I watched my hands
My legs
My rage
Take hold of me
And there was no turning back then.

I must have thought
Of a thousand different poems
In my head
Only to sit down
While the skillet is cooking
At 3:24am central time
And thought
At which point did I decide I mattered the least?

Scurrying all around city livin'
People and places
They step n repeat
Leisurely getting sunburned
In the Philadelphia sunshine
But I don't live here
No more.

If I wanted to turn around and head back
To where, the street
I use to live
I would find my past
Biting and painting in dark red
On the walls I once called home.

I hit a bowl of ****
Alone for the first time since sleep
Dreaming and laying atop wolves
I watch my ladies, my ladies
Love and give love
They trample their lives with beauty and grace
The hurt and the pain so many levels of
No longer.

The haunting has just about ended.

My heart pounded all throughout today
Anxiety in a tattoo shop
I confided in my mother
Who so eloquently listened and comforted
I could do nothing but look around and want to cry
When she said
"You are starting to become--sort of famous"

I don't run away with nothing
Married to my cell phone all these folks got questions
I'm so use to taking charge
I'm so use to taking charge
As a new one, a mysterious new one
I could be your baby doll
If you let me
If I let me.

It feels so good to grow smitten
Over someone so
Unlike you.

And just like twitterpatted gloves down my neck
I hear it again in my head
I don't know what I want
I don't know what I want

So I turn right, left, zigzag
Take in, open up like a blossoming
******
To love, to joy, to happiness, to support
I give and I give, I give.

Money, money
Its all just paper
I could stuff in my mouth
Like a guzzling pig.

Forget it.
Forget him.
Forget it it it it it it it.
For you, for us, for all of us
I chime into the night sky
Like a warrior on fire from wind
My anxiety faded as I vented into the light
I motion, gesture, and give
Because what else is there to do?

Bathed in the ambience of snowflakes and big words
Grabbing arms to ensure we don't get stuck
In the world of our own past horrors?
Rice and carrots, I can fix you up
Beam at me--like I could really mean something.
I love the way it looks when your body
Your strong hands, they caress, grip, and tighten
On my longing *******.

I'll have another glass of wine now
Because it allows me to let myself shine
But you, you want to convince me to stay
How do you cope with your own nakedness?

I should have made you a cup of coffee this morning
But I couldn't peel my eyes away from you, long enough
To remember hospitality.
I should have shared a cup of coffee with you this morning
I should have let you take me
I should not let our sheets envelop us whole
I should be less weak.

But even though we forget our words
We forget that 5 hours has passed
To eat, to leave the house
Caught up in each others face
And taste.
Would we be fools to let this go?

I got the cork stuck in the bottle of wine
And drank cork red wine, the rest of the night
Teeth, opening, a flutter of kisses
I still taste you on my mouth.
Don't go.

Things That Bring Me The Utmost Happiness:
1. Creating my own work and then watching it come to life in ways I never expected.
2. Women Of The Now
3. Directing
4. Festival Directing
5. Acting
6. Being another artists canvas
7. The look in a loved ones eyes when something you say moves them
8. The moment you turn and look at a loved one and really listen to what they have to say. And when they do the same for you.
9. The possibilities of tomorrow. The future.
10. Music. Music for any type of mood.
11. Waking up and dressing like my insides
12. My unique one of a kind style
13. Flirting
14. Feeling and looking beautiful
15. Exercising
16. Talking on the phone to those I love
17. Having lived in different places
18. My Alabama roots
19. My Philly swag
20. Blossoming right now in Chicago
21. Freedom. Going places by myself
22. Meeting new people
23. Making new friends
24. Change. Beginning Again.
25. Tattoos. Changing my hair.
26. Yummy lattes
27. Healthy food
28. Comfort food when hung over or sad
29. Writing. Writing. Writing**
30. Nostalgia
31. Collaborating
32. Listening.
33. Being the one to speak up.
34. Running
35. Staying in by myself. Me time. So needed.
36. Reading.
37. Coffee in the morning
38. Animals
39. People that surprise me
40. Wit.

Things That Absolutely Wound Me:
1. Liars
2. My own inner demons
3. Money
4. Fear of tomorrow
5. People coming and going from your life
6. Negative thoughts and people
7. When others knock me down
8. Waiting
9. Anger
10. My other room mate
11. Just about every single one of my ex-boyfriends
12. Ignorance
13. The presidential race
14. Sexism
15. Racism
16. Being ignored
17. My parent's closed mindedness
18. Fear of the future
19. Going to sleep
20. Waking up
21. Nightmares that are too real
22. Feeling like my person out there doesn't exist.
23. Cheaters
24. Cruelty
25. Not recycling
26. Exclusivity
27. Those that doubted me
28. My mother when she lectures me about tattoos, my hair
29. My father when its never enough
30. My big brother when he won't hear my voice
31. Road ****
32. Those that use me
33. Being scolded
34. My day jobs
35. Stress
36. When women are competitive or mean
37. **** shaming
38. Not having access to free awesome camera equipment
39. Money hungry companies
40. Feeling trapped.

I know a girl
She likens herself to be just like
Ron Weasley's mother
I suspect we may never be friends again now
Considering she now sits on my ex's ****.

Little miss cupcake
Miss Piggy
I peaked at her Facebook out of curiosity
And I remember the exact moment in which
Several months before
Where I thought, "Oh my. Oh my. You aren't my kind of woman."
You had blamed frightening male behavior
On false news reports, perhaps CNN
I remember sitting in a theatre
My phone buzzing a mile a minute
And with little red x's I quietly watched each of these ladies go
I know its not me
Its you
And while I wish no ill will
As you would all turn to look at me for support
When the clan of hoodlums wounded your bones
Perhaps now, now that it directly affects your life
Little missy piggy, miss jenny
Perhaps now you might think.

But its baffling to me
That you can take photos on your phone
Attempt to show your cute social encounters
With the profile of the man that has so
Lavishly wounded not one
But now two, probably 3
(If we include the one that Instagrams her heart break)
Women that have been dangled from a roof
Convicted and imprisoned with falsehood promises of sunshine
Thrown into a waste bin of trickery and fake love
Slept in the trenches of mildew hot sauce
Winnie The Poo and Tiger too
And thought and taught by him
And the others
To be the wretched bad guy in the end

That, that Little Miss
Define yourself through your current surroundings
Your lingerie that you now proudly wear
I don't hate you
I thought you were alright
With your obsession for your cat
The way you decorated your house reminded me of my own style
But if you click and swim in hyperspace
You will see mists of vape smoke
A girl who ran away from me at a party
Because I somehow managed to remind her
Of soggy pasta. Salty shoes. A rusty clamoring voice.
Boyhood mixed with ***** soap
All surrounded by the label
Love.

But just so ya know
He and I
Before I even met you

Oh yeah, we ****** in your bed one time.

Dear Lyft driver,

I don't wanna talk today
About what I do
Who I am
This morning. At 6am
Let me listen to my music
The headphones in my ears
Answering questions
With feeling
And let me just be
Incognito
Thank you for the interest white man
But let me be.

Washed my ink
Dotted my i's my t's
Gave lots of love before leaving
Life is too fickle, too short
Not to give it all away
Delta delta let's fly away.

A sense of newfound answers
Contentment
The past at last
Reared one final breath
And now with peace
I can curtesy and keep on.

We arrive
Checked in
Time to go little one
Who is beautiful
So beautiful
With no make up on.

A glass of red wine
TMI, mama
The Godfather plays and nods in the background
Huddling and hiding from bullets
What power man has.
Women are more ******, I exclaim.
Mama & papa gotta figure out their own love
As rings solidify a forever entity
Mankind creates and pontificates within barbie dolls
Fairy tale books, but I "gotta stop settlin!'"
This hummus doesn't quite taste like hummus
And you're right, I do wish everything was organic
As I watch reflections in mirrors and wish
Just ******* wish
That human beings never had to experience
Loss, disappointment, or a deep lacking
Of self worth.

"Like I'm just the ugliest thing!"
No, no.
Our faces are road maps
Our bodies are land mines
Our eyes are time capsules and vessels
Kaleidoscopes full of the colors of our
Echoing past, yearning present, and eager future.

I see pictures of you
Of you all, on the internet today
First love is married now
Isn't it so weird to think: I once was everything to that person?
We made our young vows in the Alabama dirt, in our promise rings, and in the *** we didn't even fully, I didn't fully realize,
We were having.
My sweet lost prince,
You lift another curly haired woman high above the ground now
I always thought
I use to think
That would be me
Our high school newspaper wrote
That I would be "by your side selling paintings in Greenwich Village"
Absolutely none of those things came true.

Thank God.

And you
Oh my most recent, you.
You were the first to text me today
To wish me well
No embellishments, just a simple
Phrase, I responded back
A simple, no embellishments reply
As the GM at a restaurant compliments me heavily on my beauty
In front of my father, we both laugh and blush.

Youth, so much power and intensity in youth
An invincibility--I hope I never lose sight of that.
I came across a statue woman today
At a mossy filled gravesite
Its rumored that late in the night
Her head turns, she wanders the ground
Mama claimed she touched her and did not feel life
But I stood a few inches away from you
I could feel your stoney heart beat
Your calculating strong eyes
And how late in night, you must step
Acre to acre
Covering and hovering above the ground.

All the statues had broken wings, broken finger tips
As spiders on trees disguised themselves
Ants biting my crooked feet
I have loved and been loved
So much in my life
Maybe I don't have it all figured out
Maybe I haven't found my soul mate

But I have tasted a slip, a taste, a quality
Within it all
And like the angel with a broken wing
As everyone else slumbers
We fly above ground.

11:11 make a wish
But it isn't even 11:11
11:08--that Fungomery, Alabama time.
Tomorrow morn I will ride on an airplane
My father by my side
I will examine scripts and papers, pen and hand
Lets all swoon to the sighs of the kind of man we want.

And I can feel it coming
And I can feel it sort of hurting
But I have got to let go of the bad.
Long Eyelashes I am sure you reach from afar
Somewhere, with your bags of the past
Your inability to really share and put yourself out there
But enough is enough,
Lets not drag around what is not.
Let me
Not drag around--what is not.
Right?
Right.

My hair is piled atop my head
Waiting to see that face, I wish I could see
All of my days--I think
Right!
Right?
Right.
Right

High on the last night
Mother and father scurry about
My brothers and I do our own thing
I guess I could have called you back
But a good friend reminds me whats over can be over.

I think I could feel a huge, giant wave of relief
I think weight would be gone
I think I have ****** up so much poison
And there has been light
But now let the light completely in.
I long to dance in the darkness, knowing the light resides within me


You tell me I mesmerize you
Lets play games, pretend--you and me
I don't know what any of it means
Wish we had more time, we wish time
Not enough time
A woman said next to me today
At the nail salon,
And I thought: "How true."


Windy city--its gonna be 5 degrees, my mother warns
But I brave the storm, as I always have
And it would be easier to stay
It would be easier to not make any choices
It would be easier to not chase the moon
But I never really followed the rules.

"Khaleesi"
He said above me, warm wet kisses
Newness, forgetfulness
Riding in the back of a cab
Icy wind howls in my chapped
Pink rubbed from whiskers face
Heading home.

I'd rather slumber alone
Lavender Collins, tastes just like
Memory a time or two
Papa sat across from me
I felt so happy, so content
A streak of turquoise in my hair.

Flashes of you haunting and corrupting my mind
I blink them away, internal moments to myself
"U ok?"
The boy lying behind me asks

Formation, everybody gotta say something
Women all around expressing themselves
Black Lives Matter, Black Lives Always Mattered
Is the real truth
Now we argue credit where credit is due
But you don't know his or her interpretation
Stacy Dash always got somethin' ignorant to say
But let all the people
Of all the love
Hold one another, with ease and might
Run free.

People say I'm brave
I think I sigh most of my days away
Flapping painful thoughts away
I wonder where you err tonight.

Just like we were a Shakespeare sonnet
Or like all the times I put myself in harms way
Because I haven't always been so brave.

February.
New beginnings, always
The first year is weird
I heard tonight
Smoking **** till our lungs
Fill up like pantyhose stuffed with the most sensual buttercups and four leaf
Cloves.

I wish I could forget
I wish I could forget it all
I worry at times how long the thought of your face. Words you said. Moments and breaths. The way you held me underneath you and said my name
So rarely
But when you did
Oh when you did.

But the wrongness of it all echoes
As I consider sending you this poem
And decide to fuel my heart, my blood
My love with it
Instead.

I say goodnight to my empty beside
Tonight.

Could have gone and twirled
In about 12 different places, faces
Tonight
I realize with a nod
That The Wolf was just a **** fun rebound
Distraction, and I knew it
I knew it well
So why feel any remorse at all
My heart and my stomach feels very little.

Intimate strong feelings revealed on set
Wine eyes, you are the blackest night sky
But we can kick it, I'll always be your homie
Feels so good to discuss intellectually
You always got an interesting way of looking at things
I don't gotta feel rushed or like I must
Have all the answers and my whole life
In a pretty bow, a spoon full of sugar
Diamond ring, the past won't say anything
And thank god for that.

I brush my teeth at night
And wince sometimes
When I remember how my room mate
Threw your tooth brush away
For me?
Cuz of me?
Cuz of you?
She said it so bitterly.
We use to be friends
But now she acts like I'm the enemy.

Maybe I am.
The enemy of you and your handle of Fireball
I tried and couldn't help but make you something deeper
Thicker, I pulled you away from a fraternity
Striving to get you alongside me
We rode on a ferris wheel, you bought me my Chicago sweat shirt
Everything so new, so intune
So in love
We thought
I thought
And as this movie comes to a close
I watch you fully go
And I'm so ******* glad.

I've been thinkin'
Round the date of the premiere
I might be able to stand you again
Be in the same room, without looking for anything
The Boys lament, they want me around
Summer, summer won't be the same
They grab my hand, look into my face
They warned me about you, they say
The warm and the platonic love
They are glad to see my fully go my own way
And we know, this fraternity, cult
I dreamed you up one night
I remember it so well
I called it Hobble Cage
And it was. I hobbled and I bobbled
Around the cage I thought I could stay
But no longer play in.

But things change.
I see pictures of your new ******* the internet
But she ain't got no Facebook
She's not a lady, she's not delicate or pretty
My best friend says you so clearly strayed away
And found the opposite of me
Something more in your league
Because its too painful for you to know
To see
You never could
Never really did
Have me.

I don't send you my poetry
Anymore, I felt the need to share it for so long
I see you for who you really are
My heart no longer aches and feels shattered
I think about you in the same category as those before you
Come full circle time, I'll be alright
And I know you, and I know your feelings
But my crying on the street
Stressing how much you mean
Begging you let down your walls
Those days
Will never ever return.

So.
I close my eyes at night
I take my time and choose my energy wisely
Those that desire to knock me down a notch or two
Can't help but feel the pain
But I watch it fly away into the sky
I don't know where this path leads
But I float and I trailblaze down it.

You weren't who I thought you were.

Everything, you
Fell out of my hands with one big
Clamoring heart beat
All I can do now is work it out through poetry
You are right, you will appear in all of my work now.

And I hope it cripples your heart
I hope you wake up in the morning
With a flat, lost feeling
Because you no longer
Have me.

An empty space
Or the blanket you use to wrap up in
Because I always stole all the covers
I move past the pain.

All the promises of a future
I think I knew all along
Would never occur
Wedding dress whistling in the wind
We discussed the names of our children
As you plotted and drunkenly told
Anyone who would listen
You made my plans
Your plans
I should have seen through
The enormous pacifier in your ***** lips.

You always wanted everyone to watch you
I tried to be a spectator in the crowd
As you drug me in further and further
With deceit and expletive filled promises of love
You weren't who I thought you were.

So in this eerie world covered in cob webs
Fresh blood from my throat
I string my pearls around me now
The prettiest ending
Anyone ever did see.

I guess something really
To just keep in mind
From time to time
Is that you HAVE only been here for a short amount of time
And its okay to still be finding your way
And the people that are your people.

Light pink walls
Head deeply entrenched in the clouds
Just had to be good at
Papers flying like blankets
Mark out all the boxes
Swept myself deep into an oblivion
Using charcoal
And a hunger for more.

Smoking on the fumes of incense
Some candles to witness
Little black table
A large room all my own
Little princess
Little queen
And now everyone's worried
Everyone's fighting
Is queen an insult to humanity?

Shoving recent drawings into drawers
Wrote a booked entitled "Hope"
Animation, lipstick gotten taken away
By a third grade teacher
I don't know when I'll ever be
Who I'm meant to be
I use to wonder and dance
Faintly
Twirling a baton
Haphazardly
Or shining a camcorder
Personifying
The light and plight
Of Presbyterian school days.

Painting with acrylics
Knocking on windows
Tight little mini skirts
Platinum long blonde hair
Eyelined eyes
Reaching
Forever reaching out

Reminding me of the moss and humidity.

Caffeine in my daily veins
Touch my sweater like that again.

Imagining blue eyes eating me up
My shirt off the night before
Face turning, grabbed and wet kisses
Sleeping in a single bed
Sometimes you just want a handsome man
Next to you.

Smoking to calm nerves
I stand my ground
Challenged, all the men gotta challenge
Batched or not really listening
My young age capitalized in the wing
Of my eyeliner, hugging gentlemen behavior
You haven't seen me in theatre.

Just a minute, I gotta put my shorts on
Lifted above, suckling pink roses
I soon forgot from Yards IPA
Less pressure, but I hope you like
To watch my mouth smile and move.

5 weeks left, Long Eyelashes wants to talk in person
Friday, everybody just wants to play
As spring rain whispers in our ears
I could ride on the back of your motorcycle
Scales and a bull, I've been down this road before
But you talk and you teach
I am not like anyone you will ever meet.

Experience and young strength
Sangria and the bartender mystified
I just met you.
"You are very passionate"
A defined, knowing glimmer in my eye
I don't let the sounds of men
Questioning my revenue
Threaten me.

A new way to make money
Maybe I shouldn't have made that joke
About stripping
But your body and face
Had me dripping
Ask me to ride, and I will.

But a mermaid around my neck
Can't forget
I walk briskly into newness
But I soak up all that is around me
As I rock back and forth in my hair
Lips painted--my current mood.

"**** and so present."

Its chilly outside these last few days
I think of you some days and then some days
You skip my mind like looking glass
I fuel it into my art, my heart
But I hear phrases in my head
And forget just about every single one of them
But at the end of the day
The most painful part
Is that you became everything you swore to vehemently
To never be.

You might take the gold
The trophy
Lets glamorize you for a moment in drama
You are the worst.

Congratulations
It doesn't ******* matter.

But I do go back to
When we laid on my bed
For 5 hours on my birthday
I needed to tell you everything
I unfolded my entire past
A la Sophie's Choice
Or so I thought in my little silly head
And you revealed your truth
That was everyday, in my face
Perhaps we both
Could have been better.

Or the time we rode on the ferris wheel
So new, so fresh
Tuesdays were our day
And sometimes when I get drunk
I start to linger on the idea of reaching out
But a group of 9 eyes
And your deception
Stops me every time.

I guess I thought things might be different
I have very little tolerance for those who don't
Choose to be present, active
Beautiful Innovator is having a tough time
I don't know what we are
My room mate asked me how we were last night
It was weird.

I don't know?
We are good?
We are existing?
We talk everyday?
I want you
You want me
But we don't proceed in that way
And thank God.

Gotta be a pin up tomorrow
Let me run in the forest
I remember when we decided we should go
I felt so deeply in my coffee shop uniform
I need this. I need that.
My filmmaker friend tonight
Told me he would put me in contact
With all of the program directors
Of the film festivals
So much is about to happen
I can feel it and I can taste it
And there are those that so badly
Want to lessen me, what I do
Wave me off as diminutive or average
And sometimes I think a lot
That, that is my own analytical fears
Reflecting back at me

But **** it
I say covering myself in silly string, harps, rainbows, hula hoops
This time last year I didn't ******* live here
I've had those who helped twirl me into my present
But my feet
My feet are planted in the earth.

My heart is so full
I don't know if its the caffeine
Or **** singing upbeat blues
Of Chicago tickling and embracing my name
But I dip and taste the chocolate
Whiskey of moment to moment.

Teddy bear tv reflects chipped yellow nails
Kissing moments and told to move in public
Who knew cafes excited where we could play video games
Ink our whole bodies to look like the emoticons
We pour whiskey and sun chapped backs to
But he and he and he and we
And mama just really hopes
I'll marry a rich athletic man:
"The lord is watching over you."

But The Women of The Now & I
We wash our expected pitch perfect skin
Why pretend anymore?

Maybe I'll write you a poem
Garnish your drink with me
Legs kicking up West Avondale ground
Throw me some dollar bills, as gazes are held
For perhaps too long--
Longer fingertips would rather
Gesture and caress
Camera equipment, opportunity
But I look around me

"Did You Say Cupcakes?"
A painting says to my right
I could box step
Waltz into this light
Why not radiate as the moon bats its eyes?

Corset and buttermilk black lined eyes
Waltzing around the past
In Jeffrey Campbell boots
I knew the truth.

She's harmless
And perhaps
Nothin' special.

She entered the room like a little gnome
I felt no hatred.

She stood next to me like I was just another person
We made eye contact
Her eyes so clearly tattooed on
Teeth like yellow brick roads
Her hair surpasses the length of mine
Her hands tiny, perhaps more fragile
Cultured, worldly eyes
Fancy vapes and smoking trinkets filled the room
They had just moved in
And I shook a little on the inside
Because I remember the mornings
Where I awoke next to you
And your little face would be covered in white head pimples
I had to make you brush your teeth
Or wonder why you didn't read more books.

God bless.

And I don't mean any harm when I say that
But it kills me sometimes
That you have painted me with Lady MacBeth's ointment of red.

The breeze sweeps and lingers on my face
Reminding me to let go, be free
You seemed so different baby.

Sweet baby.
I'm so sorry.

But I don't want you at all.

I guess I get it.
I see what it is.
We didn't say our names
Or ask questions
She just knew
And so did I
And she lives next to one of my favorite coffee shops
The place I went and met my DP at for the first time
I remember that mystical encounter
And how we walked in the sun afterwards
And I admitted that you cheated on me.

Like a sword stabbed through a shield
I wonder if you treat her better.

You got all the right things to say
You know how to listen
To qualify and count on tiny fingers and toes
And sometimes I'll think with a sweet sick vengeance
How much it got you off to think of me pregnant.

Another had me in the shower in the early hours of this morning
And it made me think of how that was where it happened for us
But this morning, I let my hair be semi wet
Her face entered my mind a few times
And I wondered why
Oh why wasn't she with you?

I dream of her often
She always appears differently in my mind

Maybe in another life
We would have shared her vape
Taken an instagram pic
Gotten 5.k followers and likes

And been friends.

Cleaning up shattered glass
****** limbs cuts secreted into
What is existing and living right now.

Woke up this morning, full circle
Feelin' just like I did that morning
I filmed bumble bees
Camera was sorta blurry
You snapped pictures of me
With your bad attitude
But my room mate tells me
We are done talking about you.

Agreed.
And I make note, I drive stakes into the ground
Of the garden of my life
Noting and denoting just how
Over come from it all I am.

Gotta just write be cathartic real quick
Lets hit the beach and finish this ***** up
Money comes and goes places
Let reinvent just how southern status and hierarchy works
I sent a selfie to my father hoping you would see
Just be proud of me.

It feels amazing outside
Things are changing, starting, going
Sickness and a raspy feeling in my throat
Remains but I have so little time to care
Exhale.
Inhale.

Exhale.
Inhale.
Lets go for a run.

In this moment
Among the sips
Of my French Martini
And the tapping of a cellphone screen
I am lonely.

I felt a rush
A rush of so much
And I look to fill the holes
Where I would share
And all of these beautiful
People of color
Told me I have accomplished so much
So young
To keep going
Relationship talk
As if I know
I admitted the recent strife
35 years
Even almost 9 months
Is a long time.

In this moment
I take the time to say
I am kind of lonely
And I miss what I wanted you to be
And what you were so good at being
At times
At this moment
I have noticed
I have noticed
And it doesn't matter
No it doesn't
I have sushi
Lots of beautiful sushi
Move on Layne
Just keep moving.

I guess
In my coconut oil
Hair piled atop my head
Favorite green hoodie
Hours of communicating, collaborating
Hours upon hours
Trying to make something
Just vibrate and shake
I had to admit

That when I reflect on them
Look at them lying in the water
Sailing away from
Drifting off
It makes me sorta sad.

Its true
Theres something about the energy
That I'm releasing into the deep moon
At this moment
That elicits
Other Woman
So like leaves turning bright green in the sunshine
I wonder if any of it is worth my while.

I guess deep down I am still just sad
That it didn't work out.


I invested so much
But at the same time
I always do.

I hate to fail.

I wonder where you are tonight
What you smell like
Whose eyes you look into
Whenever my mind drifts to you
I know yours must to.

And it feels so good and so right to hate you
Because you do deserve every bit of my dust
I tried so hard to be The One for you
But I caught fire
And you couldn't maintain the flame.

There's something within me lately

That's made me revert back to childhood

In some prophetic ways.

In retrospect
Here in my Alabama bed
Birds hovering above a stage
Michael Keaton nails and bleeds such
Sincerity
Snoozing and losing
Let myself vacation.

You can give me a call
I tell The Professor disappointments
But see no real answer, in it all
No, not from him
Gazing at the faces of those before me
Times, oh how they have changed
But all of those bodies
Their pounding organs
Felt immense love, pain, happiness
Beads breaking around my neck
Reading an old note in a play with a grin.

Sleeping into oblivion
But my mother and I make plans
As I wish I was leaner, stronger, blonder
My hair swarming all around me
A city whispers and runs on
Without me
But I don't feel sadness in that
Embracing the sun in the morning
And puppy dog kisses.

Driving through the miles and miles of grass
Trees and natural thick syrupy dialects
I remember when a black haired boy
Was the meaning of my everything
My Prince, I called him.
Driving by coffee shops, kisses in the library
I thought to myself:
"There is nothing but this."
Uniform skirts, knee high socks, a black book in my hands
My world was so small scale
And I roll my eyes every time my mother
Criticizes the men of my past:
"They think small. They don't think big like you do."
In wine there is truth.

Detoxing and hovering in quietness
Laying in the greenery, bees buzzing all around me
My world was so small
It meant so much
An urgency to find an answer
But with bigger and wider eyes
I ran on,
I am still running.

I don't know who will catch me
Mid-air
But I stop asking, stop questioning, stop looking
Can't make any of these bachelors
Be what I see
So my vision and I
We prance on.

I think he knows that meant goodbye
You must know how you gazed at me
A photograph to prove its point
Holding early in the morning
Drifting and knowing some
Are beyond repair.

I seek no enemies
And often I wish I could wrap it all up in a little bow
But tying lace trimmed with eloquence and wild--
Dance and laughter
I tie the bow in my hair
As it dangles and lingers around my neck
Around my skin tattooed like
All of my experiences I thought were it
I dream and I dream
And I live

Big.

Red twitching eyes
Gotta cancel the rest of the day, sleep sleep
Need all the dream clouds and relax time
I can muster.

All my lady friends, they say
Don't live off of tomorrows
And I remember The Betrayer and his promises of tomorrows
I did, I knew you and kissed you for a fleeting moment
Tore your apartment down, us together
An ending into a beginning
Watch you drive away, as you looked after me.

Choosing your life over a life of us together
I dance and did the same
But I can't and won't fight for you anymore.

You say you are around
You say I am so sorry
Never mean to abandon, disappoint
But robotic answers, I don't mess with them.

I want a man who holds my face in his palms
Not just temporarily
But dotes on me like a dove
Admires and encourages my brilliance
Twirls me like a little doll
Fights for and with me like a warrior
Stands next to me and my levitating wings.

I guess, yeah
I really hoped it would be you
But you gotta press some buttons
You are around, around, around
As the women around me
Our nostrils flare and we consume lattes
Setting the world on fire.

If I could hashtag how over it I am
Turn it into a jest, I can't stick up for you anymore
But I finger painted in so many--remember whens

But I just think of long platinum blonde hair
Of the black box Alabama theatre
As people would look at me and say
This one, she's gotta go
She's meant for more.

Black haired and eyelined
Searching, searching for a partner
I seem to always fall into the wrong ones
A Bonnie & Clyde bob, a strawberry blonde mane
Natural, dark for Eleanor
Long lioness hair.
And thats why it hurts so bad, I tell all my friends
I hoped you and mathematics might be different
But I don't hold onto tomorrow.

My Grandmother's spirit sprinkling
Bravery and beauty within me
Staring at her face as if it is my face
Would she curtsey to the woman I am now?

I don't know what I believe in
But I wanna make a million pieces of art--
Asking questions
And I do, I hope the hero that is meant to stand next to me
Just  will
But I, I live in the moment.

What hurts more than anything
I thought so cleverly and poetically in my head
As I drunkenly left the party alone
Entertaining and flirting with the men
Who are ladders above you
But I'm so drained
And I've been revisiting
Listening to the song
That once made me think of you
And filled me with such hope
It just hurt me so much baby
That I gave everything
Ripped open my secrets my soul
And you did too
But you chose to stab me to death
In the end.

And it's funny to think now
How informed
My work is
Dear god please no more
Romantic hurt
It's the best
Worst
And silliest
Hurt.

Cereal and my bed
I refrain from texting
My eyes will soon close
Can't wait
I left the party tonight
Because I didn't feel pretty
Or important anymore
Though we danced and sang our siren songs
I lead the pack
And all these new faces follow
But sometimes I want
To just tag along.

Wolf man and I jest, caress
He's got some **** sass tonight
But I've always got more
I drank Dark & Stormys tonight
With a gal pal
She asked me my end goal

I have no ******* idea anymore.

To be.
Joyful.

My eyelids feel as if they had the option
Opportunity, they would close and close.

Dancing in a cloud of 5am Chicago forgetfulness
My nose sniffly from that new hit experience
My dark haired girlfriends with matching names
I remember my first time hanging out in that space
So fresh, so new, so caged.

Valentine, sweet sweet
My ex and I text, flirt at times
I play with the past by jostling my top
Giving that lap dance to a stranger
You think my name is Zelda
Little bit of Legend
Legend Fitzgerald.

I made you a video this morning
My boxed media experience of heart shaped chocolate
I wished this morning we could watch Candy
Have all that love and all that ***
Just like we talked and fantasized about
At one point
Or twelve
Maybe fourteen
In time.

Too busy
I'm too busy people say
It snows outside my windows
I talk to myself often, I find myself
Wondering with a strip of slight worry
That I look like a freak in my 6 dollar too big
Purple winter coat
Talking myself through where I was at
At exactly this time last year.

Just got talked into downloading Snap Chat
I remember the night I deleted it
And why.

I can't lie
I am afraid to see what you do or say
I dance fearlessly in just socks
Or my steel toe boots
I remember you use to tell me you had a pair as a kid
And I secretly never believed you.

Happy Valentines
We say, we all say
Women and men
Lets support and love
Letting go of whats not so good


****.
I'm so tired.

I step down into the murky milky mud
Flowers pointed out every which way
Came face to face with the biggest spider
I've ever seen.

We found bones, like they had been forgotten
No remains
A ravine of water
I feared coming across snakes
Spiderwebs long and lean
Mud on my pants
Muds of the earth.

My body woke me up at 3am this morning
I laid nestled in my cocoon
Grateful, gratitude
I read an article my mama sent me
About training and taming the brain
Last night 4 beers in, I'm the skinniest I've been
Since my art school days.

4 days now. I remind myself and remind myself
Yes woman.
Yes young beautiful woman.

It feels good to get up and be so brave.


New found kisses and invitations
I worry at times, what ever will fill my days up
But endless options and my own moon beams
Surround the 5:48am darkness of my window
Begin again, begin again
Soon I'll tattoo those words to my skin.

Remember "resilient"
Remember
You got that just for you.

As a new man describes his tattoos
Concealed by a button up
I'm so new to this whole thing.

Perhaps I rushed and clamped down
Because it was the easiest thing to do
But at the end of it all
Peter Pan forever remains in Never NeverLand.

The trick now is to continue with our potions
Our witchy herbs and spices
My room mate and I engulf air
Our long hair hitting and melting
The faces of every man that looks in our direction.

I cannot wait to be with all of my women again
I've been thinking about the me
Covered in paint, a camera vibrantly in my hands
That little woman
Who gave it all away
To come play in a bigger space
Got so swept away
By badness
But its all good, its all good
It fueled me, my art
And now faces turn in my direction
Gravitating towards me.

I braid my hair, 6am
Set life, I travel and I don't sweat
Or convince myself to be right or true
I knew all along
I would leave you
For my movie camera.

If I compiled a pile or list of
All the painted skeletons
Of yesterday, 7 years ago
It would look just like a
Heap of
Me.

So many ***** in the air
A man at a festival meeting comments
My gold nail polish looks ******* stupid
I think sometimes I am just the worst
Just the worst.

Standing in front of vats of permeating grilled carnage
I serve and I serve, but its never enough
Its never enough
Glutten on a broomstick
I gaze out at the windows teasing me
But the gloom like the X-acto knife I wrote
And carved just how I felt
My room mate and I both wear sadness today we say.

The women around me also all seem to be in a fuss
I pondered the shadowed moon last night
Looking for answers, solutions
The signal on my cell phone to my mother
Holds strong underground
I stick up for you, I still stick up for you.

A frenzy of beautiful moments
I replayed and watched them all in my head
My hands and body intertwined with grease
Just how you look down at me
As your body and my body
Long and search for the answers.

Hearing nothing but poetic phrases
Wishing my mind could record just like
Ink on parchment
My God, I do wish I had it all figured out
As unrealistic as that all may be.

Snap chatting singular moments
I grapple with money signs flashing across my face
Mama and Papa are just so glad, so glad they say
I don't do that dancin' game
To get by.

So insanely busy, we pontificate our schedules
As if butterflies and the fact I almost just deleted this
Entire poem by accident
Mattered at all.

"MY woman" A male friend of mine corrected me
But I only jested
I only spoke in jest
I'm the jester, I'm the self destructive clown
The beautifully tragic clown
With the crooked sly grin
Turning and covered in chicken grease.

I'm not ******* special
I'm not special that I hustle and work those day jobs
I'm not ******* special
I tell myself to get through mornings
Tag teaming and gang ******
Just how I lessen myself every time I look for
Validation.

Remember how you use to respond to me in poetry?
I cannot tell you how much I miss those days
It was the only thing that ever made any
Any ******* sense to me
I still pine and yearn for those times
When I felt like the ball had been bounced back to me
In such an unexpected way
But you, you went away so far
You buried your heart in the dirt
But they aren't because of issues you say.

I'm not angry, I'm not hurt
You have been so good, so sweet this past week
It just took, it took me once again
I turned to you on the street
My hair whispering in the wind
You grabbed me and held me
Like a sea otter would
My tentacles and tendrils mystifying you
But you stopped splashing the water back
Though sometimes in those singular moments
I catch you contemplating the pitter patter and swirls
Of the ocean around us we wish we had answers to.

Betrayer is moving away from NYC
"Seems so"
He said to me
He use to tie up my wrists so well
Comparing me to ****** and trinkets in the street
I don't know that we will ever see each other again.

My poems have been getting longer and longer
You comment, but I know that sentence is so much more loaded
I gotta go be a person, I gotta go do
I gotta stop getting in my own way
And I am so, so very relieved
That we are good
Lets please stay good.

Your eyes looking down at me
As your skin and moments we treasure
When we make love,
Everything else around us washes away
Engulfed in our elaborate unity
If only we could hold and treasure it
Here, here
Here here
Here, here
Hear
Her.

Purple shirt encircling my warm body
Lets yell at Mario Cart and race to the front
But be sure to come out of my bathroom,
Your pants half unbuttoned
And tell me how badly you want
Just me, you said
Pressed against a corner,
You always have me pressed--
Against a corner
But I don't really know what any of it means?
Teach me, professor

I found myself wandering around
My horror house of the past
While you smoked a cigarette
You maybe didn't really want
Isn't that how it all works?
Let me be what you want.
Let me let you be what I want.
Perhaps, whats the harm in cascading?


A single, tingling moment
Lets see how baby works
God, when you grunt and call me baby
I could get so carried away on my kitchen counter
Like I guess I have so many others before--
But no, not now.
Not anymore but now.


I'm sorta drunk
Off cinnamon, apple cider, and whiskey lips
But if I could offer ******* anyone a tip
It would be to
Eat the most delicious healthy food and drink
Laugh with your friends
Chase the moon and your dreams
Let love into every fiber of your being.

And get up in the morning,
Do it all again.

It's moments just like this
Where I'm on the train
And I remember like a whizz of color
And wine
All the times
I left you behind.

You thought you did it
You wanted to be the one to let me go
But this time
I left you for dead.

And that's the answer to all the equations
I've created and mulled over
In my mind
A thousand and one times
I waved goodbye to it all
And stopped longing for validation
Answers
To be your dreams.

I knew it would all come crashing down
All of it, all along the way
Perhaps due to being bred with such
A path that was not meant
For one of our own
And I say all of the times
That I fly and chime high in the clouds
Becoming one with those furious
Inexplicably beautiful swans
He got a tattoo
He wrote a song
He wrote a poem
He carved my initials into his arm
I've been painted
Fantasized
Love letters

And it was all meaningful at the time
And always will be
But you can't capture me in a net
Or just recreate my image
In your boy head

Cuz you were all right
I'm too amazing
And ******* special.

One last one.
Like a distant shadow now
Lemon drops and cardinal creamed beginnings
We wanted to be everything.

Promising rings and things for a better tomorrow
I told you all my dreams, as you watched with such hope
As ink and pain whistled and contemplated my legacy and name
I could say I'm sorry with every brush stroke
Bat of my eyelash
As you calculate my cold business demeanor
But what you don't know
Is how every tendon in my body dropped
As words came out of my mouth
To fully release you
To fully release me
From what we longed to be
"Forever."

A swan on your leg, what heaven
We danced into the moonlight
As never ending tears flood my face
I never thought it would come to this
But here I am, my bloodied heart in my hands
Once again.

But I will pick up my camera
My elegant long legs
And document just how much we meant,
Again.

Words, words
We coo and screech what we needed to say
As we both fight with blind helmets on
I never meant to--
I never tried to--
You thought that--
You wanted me to--
The betrayal we can only hope time will mend.

I use to imagine you
Deep in the pits of my colorful and chaotic mind
Dancing and celebrating
Marks all over our toned backs
I hope we never have to fully
Lose that
But I respond with ferocious strength
Making canvases in every crevice
You say you will always be on my team
I only ever want to lift you--
To lift every man and woman
Into the glorious sunshine
While my inner moon beams and shines.

Do you remember when
You would call me late into the night
With your side stepping antics
Love, you love so well
I never meant to make you feel so lost.
I would say I'm sorry
As we watched Adele foreshadow our ending.

If I ripped my heart out
And let you eat it for breakfast
It wouldn't change a **** thing.

But I hope
I hope that in time
We can bring our weapons
And set them aside
Just a cafe, "take 2"
Cold heart break left at the door
Lay it all out on the table
And move forward with love
And our own beginning in our eyes.

I stumbled across some eggplants today
They were bulbous and scratched
Inside and out
I stood in front of them
For what seemed like a very long time
"He really wanted you to be The One, Lemon."
That phrase echos and rings in my head
Haunting me like lemon drop shots
Or all the love we forgot
To share.

Two good people
Two wrong entities
But they meant everything.

Exhale the day, this morning
Last night whiskey touches
Out of my worn out lips.

An abundance of words to utter
Theres just no way I can concoct them all
Into the perfect Eutopia inspired cocktail.

A flash of a moment in the deep pits of my mind
A diner, new beginnings, friends in love
In front of us, sweatshirts with birds
Pie, eggs, you paid for
We snuggled and we nestled
Like we were building
Could build
Wanted to build
What does it matter?
Birds nest.

I will forever have the image of our bodies necking and breaking
In my room mates mirror
Forever imprinted like an icon
Or piece of memorabilia
In the waking waves of my mind.

"You give notes in your poetry"
Sometimes the words that come out of you
Fill me with surprise and wonder,
I find myself on the edge of my seat
Listening, wanting, but as if through a megaphone
Pom poms, and my little skirt
You long to pull up with your elegant hands
Stockings slipping from my ankles
Pig tails in your other hand
What erotica, church choirs would sing
Remember that line of poetry you wrote
That I was your deepest *******?
I can't quite remember the exact line
But it probably didn't rhyme
Because I wear white lingerie
Champagne bottles waltzing
As your tie clip no longer resides
Where I created the essence of a musical ******
****** beating booming heart.

You don't appear in my bed tonight
Or touch me as I avert my eyes
The word love used so dearly
I think of life and death
Of how precious it all is
Of regret and guilt
Of all the moments in my life
I see horrific moments and theatrical horror
Parade and play out in my mind, so specifically
So intricately, so realistically
Only to disappear and disappear as I snap myself out of it

If I could get a pair of scissors and slice a piece of my brain off
I would hand approximately 1/3 of it to you--
But just to borrow
Because you understand
Geese, swans, mermaids, moon beams
And all my complexities
As I said and felt like I could genuinely paint
All of the loss in me, around me
Away.

This poem is getting long as ****.
Chicago parties so much
Haunting moments or things I wish I could un-know
I move past them, I move past them
Like every moment your eyes change in tone, mood
When you think of me underneath
Someone else.

I wish
I wish a lot of things
But
I don't know
This poem is really too long now
I'm glad you intend to keep me
So just do.

We toast drinks
My family will so love this place
I think and feel warm inside
I'm so glad I don't have to
Introduce them to someone or wear a heart on my sleeve
The last time they were here, I remember so well
Got so worked up about you losing your ID
You didn't and couldn't
Lost it long-boarding
Like Peter Pan
Just need a man that will have a beer with my father.

Close out, tattoo lined arms
Asks us, computer party
A beautiful queenly lady friend sits across from me
Drinking PBR
We vent and recite our recent stresses, lost love
I felt the desire to call my most recent disappointment
On the entity entitled my cell phone
But decided against it.

Just need a breath
A test, some rest
Space, away from it all.

Looks like surrounded by folks not the best they can be
At this particular juncture
And I get it, I so get it
But I'm not gonna let that **** my anniversary high.

An endangered gorilla was shot
It immediately made me think
'Bout the war on guns
Black lives do matter
Its a shame we even gotta chant that
Can't we all just value each other?

My best friends twitching their lips
At those that got nasty attitudes and egos
Why you think you can talk like that
Smack like that, bite your lips with all that pretension
I sit across the table, no make up
At times
Though I get lost and dark lock it away
But I can't forever hold hands.

Get it together, get it together
There aren't any coat tails
Find what your own passion is
I came here for me
I sometimes want to punch and scream
Into the urban city sunshine.

She vaped and took pictures of herself with a selfie stick
I hope you take one big deep long look
And remember

The moment you sat across from me
And said
You're too brilliant for your own good.

Nah.
I got a ***** but ain't no wimp.

Heres what took so long:
Being okay with letting you go.
Sometimes I will look around
And a flurry of memories wraps around me
Like an anaconda
And it took so long
To be okay with that.
I remember trudging through the snow
How I wanted to go run to the outside of your house
I knew you were wandering around too.
But I looked at my reflection in the city street window

And I stopped myself from running.
And now sometimes
I don’t know if I want to be with such a sensitive man
And people say, but it takes a man to realize that
But I stand still, with energy and stake
Waiting for tomorrow
But I try not to wait
I work out and I want my hips to shrink
I tell myself, lets let whoever bite first
And I may just go home alone
And I do, I find peace with that.

With everything so up in the air
I feel like I have such little say
And it makes it hard to stay
In this city
Where I rank my happiness
A 5
Cold sores, clean laundry, beer I never drank before
Snow flakes drift around me and my sore hips
And I smile at thoughts of older men
And then remind myself not to wear heels
This time, as my smile starts to fade


But sometimes
I have to remind myself to be grateful
And I wish I too, could pretend
Lie, get sympathy from the audience
But I sit at a cafe instead
Because I am sick of living alone.

But
It must have been last year
It hurt
I hurt
And now its a different kind of pain
The pain of waiting to move forward
But staying kind and present
So I do
I try.
Lipstick stained coffee
Counting how many likes you receive on the internet
And these days I try, to look my best
Whoever bites first?
No.
Stop waiting.
I bite into the world
Because I never really did before.
So I bite.

Wake up
Sun greeting
Hit the pavement
Pursue happiness
Do it all over again.

I should be sipping coffee
And hitting the pavement
For the next moment
But I'm so burnt out and tired
My bed looks more longing.

And I don't mean to be ill tempered
But I have tucked my tail beneath my legs
And in the moments where I can see the busy bee nest of both of our
Existences and worry and wonder
Can I?

I've never been such a we
And I'm really ******* trying
I got so good at taking care of me
And in the inside of my mind
I'll pick apart the tiniest things
And see you in those moments
In a hazy version in my mind
Not as a force that holds me back
Like the inexplicable amount before
But worry and wonder
Can I be responsible for your
Worries, your fears, your concerns too.

Maybe I'm just extremely selfish
I'll think
Or surrounded by *******
But I know me and I know the caverns
I disappear into at the height of newness
Opportunity
And I worry and wonder
Not a matter of whether or not you have your own cavern
But can we share our caves
Without staining the walls
With our blood
To paint out the pictures of what we have
And what we want.

I think the answer is yes
I want it to be so
And then a flurry of skeptical remarks will nag and whimper
Inside my complicated head
And it hurt me last night
That I'm actively trying to be better
But you couldn't really listen and respond
To what my teacher said after my work was shown.

I don't know.
I havent said that in a minute
But I do feel like everyone is up their own ***
And I get it
I do
Myself included
But I'm here
I've got cabin fever but don't want to leave
I should pack
But I've swallowed myself
In place.

Billie Holiday croons and lingers
Reverberating and shining like slender legs
Clad in red high heels on a pedestal
Inching up silver snake stylistic shadows
You told me once I was born into the wrong era.

If I laid my porcelain body onto the top of the blackest piano
Your lips would kiss me so fully, exceptional mystery
Coiled in braids and rhythmic juices
But our legs, our legs leap up and us into the moments
Our graceful hands conducting water color painted symphonies
With such soft fighting spirit.

I imagine you must practice, practice
Your eyes baring into mine with the utmost passion
I shrug past it to get through my days
Placing orders for quiche and treats
But we schedule our work to be seen
In unison, confusion you said its all beautiful
You like the sense, the taste of it
And I could type with trite reduction
Don't wanna be just another lover on your list
Bowing my blonde head with mistrust
Dust to yesterday, you say
"In time."
You got so much you wanna say, easily and with such comfort
Flying and soaring into your own hours
I loved word playing with the boys of my past
But they never could keep up.

So I don't drown myself in hope or longing
But you lift me up like a chalice
Sipping me so gingerly as to not spill precious
Gems on your fingers
Remember the simplistic hilarity of when we first met?

Or red roses on the table next to us
Red roses on the table next to us
Red roses on the table next to us
We both drank green tea.

Mykele.

Crash at home on a Friday night
11:39, gotta get up hit the pavement
Lets glam ourselves up with false lashes
Our feet carrying us into fairy dances
Mermaids swimming furiously through the sea
I plot & I plan my next project or 3
But I can't get married to just anything
Right this second.

I'm so tired, I've been so groggy all day
Falling asleep next to my room mate on the train
I reflected on the pictures above my head today
Contemplating how I have spent and wilted my time
I deleted two stupid dating apps about an hour ago
Men are so clingy, so over the top
So little tact, zero--none
My patience wanes while people refuse to think
About where they look and say
And I wonder if my words
Wound or..

"The moon is so crescent"
The sound guy from yesterday just texted me
As I reveal how connected I am to that dark beacon of light
How I have felt all my life that it reflects, projects
My insides--my guts
Letting out a breath as I have looked up at the sky
Knowing and nodding
We curtsey in unison.

There are so many rules
And every circumstance I find myself in
I have to sit on my hands
But most of the time its better if I had
Or if I should have listened
"I wish you guys could have just been friends."

Oh honey honey
I say, like one of my favorite fictional characters of all time
Don't we all.

Shuffle the *******' cards
I'm off so fast you don't even notice my blow
To your face--but thats fine because lets be real
You are real ******' headcase
Gotta rub and rub that down
Feel that sound, of the whining and dining
But we ain't got no money for it.

Some people say my heart is too heavy
And I just gotta wipe their messy make up off
Yell it in their face, maybe you don't really know me
And your ******* right I don't see you clearly
Because your humility is crowded by thorns
Lies, all the time, wind yourself down
Drink too early in the morning
But me and my girls, we are soarin'
And I wish I could ******' rap
Because life always seems like some awful trap
But don't yap, yap, yap at me
On the phone today, mom.


This isn't about you, or him, or it
But when it hits 4pm all I wanna do is sleep
But flash that camera all around
Don't text me if you ain't got nothing good to say, girl.

Face on a screen
Delirium until 4am
Lets tell stories that need to be told
As we bang our heads against walls
I would rather be the couple
No one pegged to be together at all.

I was surprised it hurt to hear his name the other day
As everyone started to whisper, throw it under the table
But I am ******' capable and able
Start over.


People test my temper
I get tired of being the leader
But sometimes ya gotta be a boss ******* *****
Question my intention
Because you just looking for attention
I avoid dialin' that number
It ain't you I'm after.

I've worked long and hard to contain the master
No dishes or scratches adorn this life anymore
But I laugh and am glad to be down with my past
Don't have time for people that weep over skeletons
Of men who simply don't look, don't mess with them


Spiked wings reach out, might hit you in the face a bit
So hop on
Or get left behind
With loss in your hands.

Well I'm ****** as ****
Lookin' just like a military pin up school *****
Eaten' that unicorn lovin'