I wrote and hit send
Moments after expression
Filled my metaphorical tub.

I'm missing events, a chance to dress up
But I take care of my body, my soul.

I wanted to ****** the red glasses on her face off
I stand in holographics and faux leather
Each time he would pass on through.

We toasted shot glasses of whiskey
I put a sticker that said "Fragile"
To my chest
And reached out to him today
Because I couldn't stand
The feeling of boiling pain
And hatred.

I said no more torture, we've both suffered enough
I looked up and saw you looking
I met your eyes
But only for a moment
Before the rest of the world interrupted us.

Your look said hello
It said it's been so long
Today it felt violent, troubling
Full of desire
Confusion
And a tinge of shame.

TVs paying pink and purple swirls
At least I'm not spending money
Or making my body ache.

I miss having someone by my side
The feeling of someone so there
It comes and goes
The need and wanting.

I know what it will take
And a quiet exhaustion fills me up
So I take steps back
And rest.

It is the beginning of September
I balance and lean from side to side
Full of justice
And a secret need of feeling self important
Because what else do I have right now?
I think to myself.

Tuesday night, we say
I thought and plotted
All around, in, and outside of it
I worry about all of the steps
All of the hurdles my legs
Would fly right over.

Gratitude
At the end of it all
The gratitude can always stand
And remind us of humility
And a centered
Self assurance
No man or piece of art
Paycheck
Or compliment
Could give us.

I guess I have a little bit more to say
Or maybe it just feels good
To write to you in this way.

I hope you don't mind
Wrapping up envelopes with feathers
Or a hint of red rose
Smelling like new.

Because that's the thing about poets
That's the thing about being with an artist
We immortalize our experiences, our wounds
And those that leave a little bit of light
In the night we grow accustomed
To filling the holes within us
Up with.

I think of the line of your jaw
And the way your hair softly frames it
Or the way you would point things out to me
In that silly dramatic way
Your voice repeating itself when you grow with passion
Or nerves.

It's been a month I chime into a void
Standing up against a wall, I don't move
Other than to dance
Watching you go and go and go
Drunken whiskey invisibility cloaks
Don't mean much
To me and my scary friends.

I tried to interpret your response
The women in the south investigate
Me and the way I've turned inside out
Mama and Papa don't choose each other
And we schedule drinks
To try and sort things out
In some way.

I know you work hard
I know you know that I work hard
I didn't mean to become your other woman
The neon lights and frothy thoughts
We twirled within them well.

No more suffering
Let's be gentle.

I just got a sudden chill
I play the song I got drunk alone to
A bluesy sad tune.

You riff off words
My friends say you just trying to be
At my level
You trying
Not for lack of trying
Lack of ability.

I poured whiskey in a glass
And danced around my room alone
Every chug was to wash you away.

I got your poem
If you could call it that
Wondering what you meant.

I was wondering if I'm the big bad wolf to you now
And if I am
I'm okay with that.

I slide underneath the prisms I create
I float my limbs through magical rings of
Bright light knowing I got this
I dance away when I feel lost
And find grounding when I'm confused
Within myself
Within the pink and green light
That surrounds the neon angel wings
That sprout from my back
Any time I'm afraid.

I've laid in bed
Next to this night light many a time
I've glanced up into the mirrors before me
I've been feeling like youth and age
Youth and age something humans put such weight into
And I wish they didn't.

Papa went his own way
Mama goin' her own way too
Fight in tow.

There is somethin' about the deep south
I imagine all the histories and bodies before us
I imagine all the love and pain that
Appears and goes away

I ask and set the bar
For what I want
And what I need

Because what other way is there to live?

I step down into the murky milky mud
Flowers pointed out every which way
Came face to face with the biggest spider
I've ever seen.

We found bones, like they had been forgotten
No remains
A ravine of water
I feared coming across snakes
Spiderwebs long and lean
Mud on my pants
Muds of the earth.

So I make new dreams
I make new plans
I hope for new things
I close my eyes
And let myself grieve

I make new dreams
I make new plans
I hope for new things.
I close my eyes
And surrender.

I make new dreams
I make new plans
I hope for new things
My motivation has been feeling off
So I make new.

The closest you ever came
To telling me the truth
Was when we held each other in the wind
You told me you were sad to leave
I asked if you kissed all your friends
And you said
Just the pretty ones.

A jacket of prisms
The way the light hit you
I have so many photos to delete now.

I stood up against the wall
My hair blonde and green
I reread all the messages
Trying to better understand
I considered raising my white flag
And didn't.

For once
It is me that is in control
It is me that gets to go
It is me that calls the shots.

Quiet in the house
In the house covered in boxes
I pull out my camera
Knowing I can't possibly capture it all
I thought and hoped
I was special.

I drive around in my car
The car we plan to sell
Clearing my head
Leaving my phone at home
Needing and wanting solace
And deeply unattached
For a moment in time.

Needing much sleep
Time away
For green leaves to lift me up
The last time I was here
Nothing between us existed yet
Do you remember
When we woke up the next day
And you said that you felt so content?

It's not just about you
A flurry of shadows of the past
Come echoing in
Like skeletons waiting to pounce
I relive that trip to disneyland at least once a week
I think of the way you used to talk to me
And how many times

I have settled
And settled
And settled again.

So maybe, really,
The problem is me.

The problem is that I get bored, I get lonely
And I settle
And settle again.

I don't want to write anymore sad poems.
I don't want to spend anymore time
Being sad over a boy
Who didn't know
It was me he wanted
Until I was gone.

I wish so much
That I didn't feel any pain over you
Didn't mean to get so attached
Only to find out
This wasn't what I thought

I was wondering
I've been wondering
How you feel now
How you felt now
What you are feeling now
That I've gone.

My therapist said there is no we
Weren't we having such fun
I wrapped my arms around you
Let you into my home so early
Wore and hoped
Hoped and wore
My heart out
Without really admitting it.

I guess I see how it is now
I give up
I let go
You don't respond back
What else is there to say.

"I feel like garbage"
"I feel terrible"

You're so sorry
It just doesn't matter if you are.

Not now.

Mama's let the pool grow green
It's green with pine needles deep
The house tumbles down around us
A flight of boxes
I dream of a woman covered in grass
Tattoos
And feeling like I thought you wanted me
But really you looked around
The whole time through.

The past can never quite set me free
I peel back the edges of pain
I feel when I think on how I was starting
To trust you.

It just got to be too hard baby
You needed a lot of coaching
A lot of therapy
In your stuttering darkness
So I let you go.

I'm capable of creating so much
A swarm of bees threaten to sting me along the way
I'm not sure what it is about me
People tend to want to wound me.

I let them feel justified in their feelings
I take space and I take time
Worried about doing everything right
Sleeping with my dog next to me
I just want to be someone's first choice
And that's why this can't work.

I guess it took all this for me to realize it
Watching the water reflect up our house
Mama makes plans
I can't think too far ahead.

Wheel barrels full of hay
A golden sea reach with withered and whispered
Palms
I pack my bags at long last.

Mama tries to prep me
For sights unseen
I send an email
Acknowledging the hardships.

I wonder if he thinks on what I've shared
I wonder if he thinks on how I tried to be there
You said you were sad to leave me
Kissing me on the street
I became consumed with your absence
Teetering between support and madness
My paranoia reflected in green and pink
I thought you were better
I thought you were stronger than that.

Since you came into my life
I have found myself thinking of other women
As competitors
A sensation, an awareness
I have never really felt before
And though you are gone
I still feel it
I think about how you would probably like them
Would you talk to them
Would you look or talk to them
In front of me?

I shake off the bacteria
That has formed alongside the ridges
Of the heart that has felt less healthy lately
I wish that you could hold me
And look into my eyes
The way you have so many times before
Seeing what you see.

I don't want to ask for anything else from you
Standing in front of the sink
Or sitting on the edge of the bed
Didn't mean for this to carry on
But you had it carry on
You carried me on.

I leave tomorrow
I'll go do what I must do
My eyes close heavily
I breathe in
I breathe out
Onward

As always.

It's become simpler now
Now that I've walked through the coming autumn
And felt the way you looked down at me
When I laid my head on your lap
Or the way you grabbed me showed
Me your perspective
Everything full of cinema
And traces of biting wit.

I let you go now
Though I didn't want to have to know
That you would watch me go
I didn't want to go have to go at all
But I don't see any other way.

You don't reply
And I don't need you to
I'm sure you mean to
Respect my time and space
I grew weary
Of reaching
With little to no return.

I'm not sure how you feel
Though I can certainly imagine
The little rip tides of defense
Self proclaimed justice
Shaming me for wanting too much
But deep within any of it
Within any of that
Is a whole car seat of pain.

I know your eyes
Big deep wells I bathed into
Even if just for a moment
All you had to do was tell me the truth.

I'll never forget
The way it has felt
To see you become like the rest.

I know you loved me Alex
I don't think I'll ever doubt that
But a hundred screaming silent empty mouthes
Mirrored in a pane of glass
Couldn't make me stay.

Do you remember the way
You looked at us together in the mirror
Or the way you kiss me
Like it is just you and me.

I close my eyes and drift away
Back to that place
Sparing my loyalty, my honesty
Marking it all in grey
And a soft pale blue.

I turned it on so high for you
As a choir of voices tell me
Reflecting and projecting different thoughts
What matters in the end is how I really feel about it

There is much toxicity in my life these days
I swirl and drink the blood of lamb chops
My unicorn hair dries up with caked mud
My eyes glaze over and puff up like smoke
Simplifying my look
I simplify the way I see myself
I want to trust what is natural and real
For once.

Buckets of ******* brim to the surface
I don't doubt that you meant all of it
I'm mature enough to still recognize that it was real
What we had was real.

I fade away into the prisms and the ponies
The flying arrows springing from my bow
My ears are sharp enough to chop wood
The swan neck of a hose
Lingering and longing
For someone to just finally
To just finally
Choose only me.

I feel the same pain for you that I did
Two other major loves in my life
I know how you want me so
But it is not enough
A big adventure
I wonder how other women do it
And shake my head sometimes
As if I missed the boat.

I told you that you looked like my dream man in that jacket
I didn't know there was a woman taking the photos
I didn't know it wasn't just me
I wanted it to be just me


And so
I guess that is the issue here
I want all of you
And you will realize it too late.

I watch myself go
Like flickers of light
Peaking out underneath silver moon beams
I see myself go.

Your hands in mine
Like this was the last time
The way you hugged me and said goodbye
Before you went
And so did I.

I wanted to be exactly what you wanted
Trying the cool ******* for size
Standing right by your side
The lack of transparency and honesty
Ripping and revealing the truth
I want to root for you too
But a weight lifts up off of my shoulders
As I admit to myself
I can't keep this up.

I love you dearly
I've gotten to love you so much
That I've cried to myself knowing you don't see it
Knowing you can't give yourself over to it.

A well is uncovered
A puddle reflects images of us five years from now
Maybe even three
You will be big and strong
I imagine the man you will become
Do you remember when I told you
I couldn't wait to see how you grow?

I meant it
I meant all of it
Doting and dangling me with your words
You haven't maintained me well
I have felt neglected
I have felt ignored
I tried to duck and get out of the way
To give you space to be at your best.

I wear a cape in my mind
I wear a cape and my hair grows long again
With strength, with abundance, with waves.

I don't think you will call tonight
I don't feel like you ever really call


I just wanted to be your person
Can't you see me
Can't you see me
I'm right here.

Vaporwave.
I think sometimes
Deeply on how I feel like
You are going to just let me pass on by
With my prisms and quiet aching
We decide you need to hear me
My therapist told me there is no real
We
In this.

I wrote out my feelings
But didn't send it
Watching cuts, making cuts
Posting pics
It stung so much
To see you with someone else
You made me feel like I was the only one.

The image of you in my mind is less clear now
My insides protected me from the truth
I'm so tired
I drank so many shots last night
Because I wanted to forget.

I spent so much time
Wanting to try and hold us up
Reaching and placing myself before you
I wish you could just see what is in front of you.

I watch you see me pass by
As neon colors combine and intertwine
I wish I could be somebody that's cool with all this
I loved being with you.

Mere days till you return
And I do too
I saw where you watched my Instagram story
I said slay away
You said yes mama.

The days continue to carry on
I move through yoga poses
My eye a little bit swollen
Working through this Monday
I don't alter my state
Because I want a clear head.

I wonder if you think on me
And it doesn't really matter either way
But I'm sure you do.

Nice to hear from you
He said.

I let myself be separated with dunes and sticks
You smoke cigarettes and post a pic
I mentally prepare myself for all of it
All of my life.

I've at last
Slipped into a better head space with it
I think on the tenderness that we shared
The long deep moments of eye contact
Or how we would look at one another
Across the room
Sensing each other there.

I know it hasn't disappeared
I think of how I gobbled up mineral water
Stepped into the sunshine
Biked alongside mountains
And I simplify my look
And my life.

Mere days
Mere days
I know the love is still there.

I know that you probably don't want to fall in love with me
Or let yourself love me
Like that
But I wish you would.

Tomorrow is Friday
I cross off the dates on my calendar
I try to make sure I'm well rested
I've been pinching pennies
Spending money I don't have
It is incredibly hot
In the coach house.

I become accustomed to your absence
Though I deeply hope it doesn't last
But I too,
Let that fear go.

I worry about aging
I worry about changing
I worry about being stuck in one place.

I feel like my poetry has been so much less poetic lately.

Another night passes on through
I've gotten to where when the clock tells me it is
12:30am

I give up
Well
I think
Another night
No call.

You said you would
I think of all the ways to deal
I reach and I reach
And I know not to take it personally.

I stood among potted plants
On the deck of a man's apartment
He told me about his recent divorce
I told him of my parents
He asked me what type of man
I'm interested in on the way home.

I don't ever want to get a divorce
And I feel thankful I'm not in a situation
Where I've signed my life away right now
But I came home after
And I felt the lonliness
Of an empty apartment
And no loyal lover
To greet me.

Some people try to tell me
I should just be so happy and feel lucky
That this didn't happen to me when I was younger
Don't say that.
Don't say that to people.

I spend many of my moments
Reflecting back on everything
As a grown *** woman, a grown *** woman
Trying to make her way through this ******* life
Wanting to find love, deciding I don't need love right now, watching my family fall apart
A business owner
A southern belle.

Sometimes it feels hard to want to exist.

I played my speaker
And we danced with each other
You held me close and said my name
Everything with us is blue cinema

Everything with me is a raindbow prism of light
Everything with you is a purple cloud filled night.

I found you standing in your doorway
It was yellow and dark
Your hair was down, your body as always
Thin
You looked like a beautiful statue
Illuminated by your darkness
And mine too.

We made love on a chair from the 90s
One of those wooden ones with a white cushion
You threw up on your arm afterwards
And I cleaned it up with a single paper towel.

There were infants in this dream too.

I drank mugwort tea and watched Bladerunner
Checking my phone every too often
Waiting for your call.


I imagine you fell asleep
I cherish you in the pit of my stomach
And at the core of my heart
The heart I’ve protected for quite some time.

I lean in, I glide out
I write and hope
Hang onto what good I have to believe there is

I know you will call me soon.

At times I wish I was still an actress
So that my looks and my emotion
Could be the most celebrated thing about me once more
I could cry and reach new levels so easily now

I've been through the ringer.

If I could detach myself from my cell phone I would
I take breaks
I turn it off sometimes
Like when I have no where important to be the next day
I plug it in and walk away from it
I so completely love it and absolutely hate it.

It ***** you in
It bleeds you dry
You have to have it to live in this time.

I wish that we still used rotary phones
Or a landline
Like I had when I was nine
An electric blue phone with a twisty cord
I would twirl around my finger
My feet up in the air
Like I was talking to some boy.

I remember those days
I remember those days now with a lot of pain
And I really wish I didn't.

And I think that is the trickiest part
Of watching your family fall apart.

I think about a measuring cup
The different numbers that signify
What it is.

I see a photo of an infant on the internet
My ex boyfriends infant
I see my father leaving never to return
I see myself and my mother packing up our house
I see myself sleeping among boxes
I see myself in disneyland eating pretzels
Running away from your family, my family
Because I was so exhausted
I see you telling me you are sad to leave me
I see myself ******* someone else and it meaning nothing
I see myself calling you
I see myself you not calling me back
I see me spending my whole day stressing about that very fact
I see myself wondering what to do with my hair
I see myself being less supportive of myself
I see myself thinking my voice and my thoughts must be an interruption or an annoyance
I see myself being less supportive of others
I see myself feeling a lot of inexplicable pain
With people only being able to be there for me in moments.

I see myself wishing I could get so ****** up I would feel nothing
I could wake up and not worry about the tired and hurting face in the mirror.

These are my dark realities
As dramatic
And ******* lame as that may sound.

I want to turn this wannabe poem around
I wanna write an empowering stanza now.
I have to.

I see myself taking a deep breath
I see myself exhaling it out
Another one
I see myself meditating
I see myself thinking before I speak
I see myself believing my voice is interesting and highly endowed with some truthful brilliance
I see myself needing everyone and everything less
I see myself running and jumping off the mountain, zipping high up above--7,000 feet above sea level
I see myself hiking along trails, sipping mineral water
I see myself staring at the face of the Grand Canyon
I see myself making friends who speak a different language
I see myself tanning, getting inked up
Wearing sun hats, bathing in baths
I see myself being an avid listener
I see myself not living in the past or what I hope or think will be the future
I see myself breathing into the present
I see myself knowing I reached and all I can do is reach, and then to reside in my own grounding
I see myself not obsessing in an unhealthy and traumatic way
I see myself letting the pain I've experienced make me a better human
I see myself finding and feeling secure with trust
I see myself orgasming, feeling immense pleasure
I see myself
I see myself
I see myself.

Sometimes you don't feel quite ready
Standing in the hot sun
I do what I can to validate myself.

Close your eyes and think on all you have to offer
And then let it all go.

It is 10pm
10pm on a Chicago weekend
I think of all the places and faces I could go
The drinks I could be pouring back
The conversations and business cards I could be slipping
Looking at my phone it is suddenly 3am
I wake up in the morning in my bed
Dizzy and grumpy
Smearing red lipstick onto a tired face
This is not necessarily the reality I want tomorrow.

So I think I'll stay in.

I make dinner
I wash my face
My best guy friend on the bus
Lays down words covered in jewels
I feel foolish for how I have reached out
And heard so little back
I think on packing up my room
I think of trying to sleep there
I walk into my house and feel pain
At the absence
Of all the lovers that have been.

White wine
White wine makes it all taste better
I'm no alcoholic but sometimes drinks
Make it all better.

I try to live inside of my life
A vulnerability and protective nature
Where it makes it a struggle
For me to extend myself
Weighs on me
Quietly
So quietly I hope no one notices.

I ask myself what I need
Sometimes
But even that question feels
Indulgent
And exhausting.

I'm so good at imagining things
It is often a painful part of my personal life
I remember what it was like to be played with by my father
I watched dad after dad
Dance with his little girl
In the grass before the concert
I watched them silently
Behind my pink sunglasses.

Everything feels like it is covered in a temporary gloss
Marriage
Divorce
Love
Aging
Friendship
Money.

The very things that make up our entirely daily life
I wonder at the people who seem like they have those things
I wonder at myself.

I know not to wait.

In the coach house with nothing but a night light on

I know not to wait.

I wonder what the rest of it all will bring
Disappearing into shades of pink and green
I'm not sure what to do with my hair next
I'm not sure what to do with me next.

I got new ink on my arm
I have to cover it all up for a job tomorrow

I know not to wait.

The strong feeling of knowing
I'll have to take up a pen and really write
And I think, who do I think I even am
Eyes on me
Eyes on me
Maybe I am just that lost little girl
A friend of mine described.

My parents aren't together anymore
The cold clattering of papers
Contracts signed, pens inking away tears of love
When they were my age
When they thought forever was forever.

I fear love and I fear change
Even though I'm the queen of both.

Chicago summer nights
I attempt to refuel and take care of myself

Lights out
My cat meows and hops onto the bed with me
I wish I could be more of a present thought
In your brain.

Clouds and pesticides
I could have gone to an event tonight
But I cleaned and took my laundry in
Cooked dinner and listened to a podcast
Went for a run and showered my bones
Defining myself through how I move and breathe
On my own.

I miss you dearly
I hope you miss me too
I know you said you do.

We watched movies with neon lights
Do you remember the way I wadded up the bottom
Of your boxer shorts
Because I got so antsy
During the movie?

Staying out of the way
I exist and I linger
In the halo of my own prism.

You come back in 20 days
You spoke of the count down not that long ago
Using words like babe and baby
You were affectionate and meaningful
I cried to my therapist

Love is certainly not convenient.

When I think on this or you
In a deep real way
It fills me up with so much emotion
A sense of longing
A fear of love being returned
A quiet hope
And a taste of insecurity.

You are in Indiana now
I can see you clearly
A large camera on your shoulder
Whenever you answer to phone to me
You say my name in a southern accent
I let you get away with it
Because it makes me happy to hear you say my name.

I went back and looked far
Scrolled through all your old profile pictures
Read your old comments
And thought about the quiet and angsty teenage boy you must have been.

I want you badly
I miss you badly
Pulling in favors, reminding you of my face, sending you moments of my success
I long for you
I hope you long for me too

With a camera on your shoulder
And a reflective knowledge of what this is
Or could be.

I have so much work to do
I eat breakfast in bed
And hope to accomplish it all
Money is tight
My father forewarns me of changes
Come back
Come back to me soon.

Ah! What could that be!!
The ever so romantic sound
Of lillies in white
A soft pale pink
Long gowns
You know, the finer things!

An orchestra of ponies
They neigh out confetti
As post after social media post
Portrays ever lasting happiness
An anniversary, wedding bliss!

I drink my coffee
My face wind chapped and tired
I wonder if that will ever be me.

Ah! The hum of bumblebees
Drones soar high above the couples head
The whistle of newlyweds!!
Preparing to pack up my house
My father doesn’t text me back
I don’t know who is honest in this family anymore

But never fear!
We’ve got a preacher with no head!
He’s holding a bible full of roses and lead.

I don’t want to be a cynic
I do still believe.

I can hear the rush and whistle of the trees
My skin is so chapped from the Colorado
Wind
I’m not sure how to
Make it feel soft again.

I slept hard and pretty at peace
Hoping the sun will come out
On this final day
Of vacation.

To vacation
A thing I convince myself I deserve
Those closest to me reassure me
I in fact
Do.

I let my paranoia and the awareness
Of the lack of support I feel
I acknowledge
And decide to let it drift up and out of the window
Of my air b n b
Bedroom.

He’s got staple guns
And a bottle of ambition
I told him on the phone
I don’t wanna get in the way
He said you are no distraction
I give advice when he asks for it
Dreaming up plots and fantasies
He made a comment about adventure
Rope, he mentioned rope
I miss him dearly
I know he misses me too.

I too, let that float out of my
Air b n b
Window.

I’m broke again now
I should have budgeted better
Spending my money like a drunken
Or better yet
High as hell
Sailor.

How will I get by on this last day?

I drink coffee
I sat out on the patio
Ignore emails
It is nearly time to pack up
To think on all I have gained and learned.

He won’t be there when I return
His journey with cameras and fire
Is only just beginning
But I close my eyes
Let it drift out the window
And try to trust
For once in my life.

I try to hold myself
Deeply and with such care.

My mind bounces around like
A jumping jack
Or Lima beans
My mama buys a new home
Says get ready to pack up your room
I notice my love and the closest to me
Not there.

I hike through it
Breaking a sweat
Noticing how I have to ask
I have to ask
I hate asking.

I get strong I get lean
I look in the mirror
But not for long
Not long.

I don’t have the energy I think
My skin chapped in the wind
I keep myself upright
And glide along.

Kicking up speed
I felt the prettiest today
I am whimsical and silly
Bold and mighty
Vulnerable and temperamental
Passionate and effortlessly kind.

Shoulder to shoulder
With myself.

I wore my black *** dress
The suede dress with the cut outs on the side
It’s hits me just right
I wear it whenever I want to
Make a power move.

Every time I think back on you
I see you in sea foam
In blue.

We danced together, you drank beer
Bringing me in close
You said my name like you would miss me deeply.

I lay down four or five times
Send you photos to remind you of what you missing
But I have grown tired of hanging on.

All day the heat and mountains outstretched
High above me
Warn me not to be
Hastey.

My roots grow out long and tan
I kind of like it
And wonder what to do next.

I made a make shift ****
Smoking in my room
Retire to bed
Riding bikes
Green lights
Coffee I adventure

I adventure.

I hopped on the back of a whale
And rode it across the ocean
Pulled on my hiking boots
And landed among meteorites.

We left behind our disposition
Drank red wine and stained our teeth blue
Chattered among empty wells
And hoped all would be able to understand
That it was no easy feat arriving here

I’m not special
I’ve been given many gifts along the road
As I swept myself up into
What I hoped would be wedding veil
After wedding veil
Flying away from the coop.

I hope for many things
Giving in
That’s what one of my very best friends
Said to do
Give in.

Got some ink
The artist positioned me how he needed to
It reminded me of ***
Tattoos remind me of ***.

Lana del Rey hummed around us
I thought of my time in Alabama
When I was in art school
When that first album came out.

I flirt with men and I flirt with women
He asked me if I was queer at all
I said just a little bit.

I drank some wine
I try to relax, luxuriate
It’s hard I feel like I’m supposed to be everything
I wish sometimes that I could be smaller
Less noticeable
So I shed another layer of skin.

I think back to all the screenplays I’ve written
Sometimes I wish I already had a boyfriend
My skin tans in the sun
I protect my face
And hike up and around
Debating about what I’ll do tomorrow.

It’s hard to completely unplug
I miss certain things
And hope it ain’t no thing
Hope it ain’t no big thing.

It all keeps on
Me and this
And it all
Goes on

It’s been tough and I had to light some incense
I know I gotta buy some new crystals

I’m sure he will respond at some point
Ain’t no big thing
Ain’t no big thing

We friends.

Iced coffee it’s a little chilly
Red eyeliner on my eyes

She’s beautiful but she’s lost and insecure
Like a little girl
But she’s gonna be so successful
You can see where she’s goin’
One of my best friends
Said about me.

It’s almost like
It would be better
If I disappeared a little
To make everyone more comfortable.

But I let those kind of thoughts go
I acknowledge my vulnerability
The quietness to my voice
And I hear him calling me babe and baby
And I too,
Let that go.

I’m gonna go
I packed my bags and time
I leave my laptop behind.

I find so rarely are people there
When you really need them
A self absorption fulfills us all.

But I wear Kyanite around my neck
With all it’s transmitve healing properties
And wait to board the plane
Hearing from my father
Chiming on how it’s all about to change.

I kind of don’t care sometimes
I’ve got that apathetic sad girl party vibe
At times.

She apologized
I relieve myself into the darkness
Sometimes none of it feels worthwhile
No camera
No computer
Just time with me.

My heart hurts I miss you so bad.

There will often be people
Who want more from you than you can give.

And there will often be times
Where you feel as though you have run out
As your back feels empty
Of refuge and sun.

I'm an easy target we said
Because of the way I look or what I've worked hard to get
I'm full of it
I'm the worst I think to myself.

I cry myself into the black lagoon
Rage filled tears like the rabbits hibernating
From when I would watch movies on my couch
And long to be older.

I'll go on an adventure tomorrow
Watch the sun go up and down
And forget what it means
To be the one in charge
And in the spotlight.

Sometimes there is just truly
Not enough sage
Incense
Coffee or ****
To stiffen the feeling
Of absolute loss.

I know you must stand
Your body lean and strong
Dreams filling your head
If I could take a microscope
And take a deep long look
To better understand
I would.

I imagine your brain moves in tidal waves
Red and blue wire sizzling
It wanders and hums at a high vibration
Higher than your mouth can keep up with.

When you speak and stutter
I don't flinch away
Or acknowledge it with any discrepancy
I knew the moment I heard your name
A moment, a point you would reference
Again
To get me going.

I wonder what DC is like
I wonder if you think of me
I want to give you time to miss me
I want you to think about what this is
I want you to feel everything for me.

I'm grateful for the quiet
Though I always long for more
I made jokes about being famous
'Cuz I'm a paranoid crazy *****.

I wonder if you wear a hood
And look seriously at the camera
Missing me with the same fondness and longing
As I do you.

You held me in your lap
Cradled me in your arms
Kissed me like you meant it
Breathed into me like I was
A figment of your imagination
Said my name like you just needed to hear it
From your own mouth.

It's hard for you to acknowledge
I release my hands
You told me you were kinda sad
I asked if you kiss all your friends
I figured by the end of August
We would have fizzled out
I wonder if you wonder if I'll have moved on
I wonder if we will both be a little stronger
A little more complete in ourselves
When you return
Even though the time
Is not that long at all.

There are a lot of things I need
From a partner
I recognize the things in you
That show me that you could do it
I recognize the things in you and in me too
That show me we both can't do it.

Not now.

I wonder if it's just me
But a pained part of me doubts it
I think to myself I better get back on it
Letting you have me with no protection
But it feels so natural, so like heaven
Finding reasons to be angry at you day to day
I'm not sure what I'm aiming for
But I know I can't stay.

A little more hustle
A full cup of Colorado
Calls out to me
I reach my hand out to you
But let it drop back down to my side
Taking you in with every drop of my life
Hearing my name, hearing your sighs
Seeing the look in your eyes
As the wind swept our hair up.

I don't know
I just wanna give up.

So I will for now.

My eyes work as lenses as the breeze flies through us.

I'll never forget my first thought as soon as I heard your name for the first time
A point you would later reference
As we point and whisper sounds

I'm so tired
I wonder if you think of me
**** boy ****
**** boy ****
A girlfriend wags her finger
I close my eyes and let you go.

I have a fear
Of sending the boys that like me poems now
Because every time I have
They always end up gone

In the end.

There is this green marble
Following it down
It travels
Along the depth of a sizable tongue
Even, firm
A swab of spit covers it.

It loops through corridors
Circles around the tracks of hooves
Passes by a bush of thorns
A snake hisses as we scoot
On, beyond, past
A bridge that extends off into the distance
A light flickers there
As lightning bugs glimmer on and off
Off and on
Humming into the summer.

The crack of a whistle
A crooning moan
Round eyes
Round lips.

The green marble stays a while
Immobile stable
Until the breeze of the wind
Lifts it up and out
It jumps along the length of haystacks
Climbing onto the back of ponies
Neighing, a mating call from birds
Cry into the golden hour light
Our lenses pretend to capture
Fighting into the present
We run past our own shadows
Of our ancestors
Thinking our being
Must be much like mini gods.

I shut the lips of Bibles there
Tracing blood along the lines of my lean legs
I hover in-between the tent of the sacrament
And disappear like smoke
Into the corners of the highest ceiling
While the sermon and preacher
Neck and neck carry on.

It is here
In the humid hot humiliatingly haughty sun
Where full length white gloves
Replace clout and shame
Petticoats align with virtue and grace
It is here where you train
To sit near fireplaces
Chattering for hours
Relive the mighty past
Hear words of the gospel
Prospective pets your best companion
But you might catch and eat a new animal in the
Mornin'

It is here
In the sweltering beautiful heat
Where you're from.

The sun is shining outside the cafe doors
I need a lotta light
I need all the light.

Mama sent me photos of a new house
You held me down by the neck and made me
Release
Walls get covered in CDs
I type it all out
I type it all out
I want everything
I want everything
But I aim to rest of the quiet.

We laid in the bed this morning
I never wanted it to end
You didn't really like the eggs whites
Sometimes I worry I like you more than you do me
But I check myself
And take note of all the possibilities
I ask you to reveal
I watch you reveal.

Your eyes perfectly matched all the blue
I see you as the seafoam
In my coming ocean.

I'm not trying to nail you down
Lock you down into something
You tell me you were a hopeless romantic
Need time to see yourself not in a duo
And I reside in my ocean
Knowing these all facts
These facts.

I steer my ship into the wide open
I worry about money and things
Leaning into the walls
Sampling solitude
We make plans
And wonder quietly
Where this is going
If anywhere.

I said last night into the darkness
Let's be best friends
You said yes already
That's where we at.

We looked into the mirror together
I admire us together
You admire me.

See you several days in a row
Gonna check my crush
Gonna put aside my crushes
I told you that you were my favorite
In your seafoam
But I aim to not think too much of it
I'm not trying to lock you down baby
But I wish you would

Want me to.

Maybe at some point.


You will.

If I had it all figured it out it would lose all it's magic.

And yet,

I still yearn to figure it out.

You came into my home at 6am
I heard you peek inside my door
I put my keys back under the rock today
You wouldn't be taking them
No you wouldn't be taking them.

I've had to ask for my keys back before
It is often a painful display.
I didn't have to do that this time
Because this is casual
This is little fine.

You held me for a bit
I stretched out onto you
Until we had to disconnect
My dreams full of confusion
Desire
A piece of lingerie and long kisses
I wanted to find you and get back to you
My sweetness outstretched
Willing to bounce the ball you throw at me
Right back into your chest.

We made love quickly and I got sweaty so fast
The summertime making us all want to mate
I think of how cold this winter was
How little loving there was to be had
Before I knew you
Before you knew me.

Men in my age group
I do believe they have no desire to commit
In this big ole city
I dub Chitown
I long to be like them
An unafraid bachelor
As women cannot help but long for more
And we often have that spun around
Put right in our face.

We waited for the bus
It was warm and soft
With our paddles high above our heads
We sought who could hit each other
The fastest
The quickest
It was you who did it in.

I went into silence
I could feel your immediate regret
Sometimes I think you just speak
To just speak
And I wish you would fill it
With meaning instead.

We rode on the bus
I couldn't think of much else
Your eyes and face so emotional
My green outlined with red
My eyelashes reaching long
I could see an edge of pain
But I'm not sure where it stemmed from
I blew it all off
What else is there to do
But chalk it up
While simultaneously confessing the truth.

I had a large day
I paid for the crew meal
I started a shot list
Thought deeply about cameras, locations
Sauntered around with a grounded directness
I wish
Well
It doesn't really matter what I wish.

You said at the beginning
That you weren't looking for love
Though your contentment and ease
It speaks the most volumes
I'll be taking a couple seats now
About 5 to 9
And I think of those numbers visually
All up in my mind.

I told you I liked you during ***
You used it as ammo which I think you now regret
But we realized we both like and need meaning
I'll be here
Taking my seats
Living out fully
And expecting nothing.

It rains on Tuesdays
I wore my new jeans
My new hat.

A magical weekend
I drank a lot of champagne
At night I feel like I did as a young teen
It's suddenly 9pm
And I feel like A sugary snack
Awake and interested in
Meeting the moon
Now that it has finally grown to be
Quiet.

I have days and moments
Where I deeply miss what it means to have a partner
Someone that wants to check on you
Hear your voice
See your face
Regularly
Someone who wants to comfort
And someone who wants to be comforted by you
I'll think about how that all takes time
To get to that space
To meet that person
To get to that time.

I'm a fan of my own company
Sometimes I see myself very clearly
I coach myself in the morning
I think back on how I once valued all of that more
A cup of coffee
Not a huge rush out the door
I can talk myself through anything.

I miss a lot of things lately
Having a partner
The cleanliness of my old apartment
Philadelphia
Alabama
Art school
Old friends
Acting
Money
Sleep
Sunshine
Energy
Vienna
Adventure
Love.­

I'm a little bit sensitive today
I feel like I need some care.

Sometimes I'll think to myself
I know you don't want to love me
But how I wish you just would.

Your face lights up
In a certain kind of way
When I enter the room
Or you greet me for the first time
It is a certain kind of feeling
That I've been wanting
For a certain kind of time
And I don't know where any of it is going
But it feels good to hear your voice
To feel your eyes linger on mine
It's like we feel the same peak of desire
For our art
For perhaps each other.

You use the word baby
Very often
I like it when you use it
And I adjust the way I think and feel
So that I don't fight for more
Hoping to just enjoy.

You followed after me
In a room full of arcade neon lights
Our bodies leaning into each other
And ride on the escalator up.

I drink whiskey
You prefer beer
I like it when you wear your hair down
It longer than mine
And I secretly hope
You make the next move.

You make effort
We communicate
We live separate lives
The moment I heard your name for the first time
I felt a little glimmer
Of something.

I scheduled a trip
I don't know where I'll stay just yet
Got that bit of dough
I dreamed of hiking and landing
Landing and hiking
Staring across a horizon I don't know
I love the taste of freedom
I value my own time.

I know I'll need it
I know I'll deserve it
Sometimes I act like I'm the queen of the castle
And sometimes others do too
But really I'm just a vulnerable young woman
Who put herself in the position she's in
And she just wants to do some good.

I've been thinking about how I want to be more
Of a philanthropist
And a little bit less of a salesmen
Lately.

I'm gonna write a book someday
A book about it all
I enjoy and I let go expectation
Trying to release even when my body has had it
Keeping my temper in check
Breathing and releasing
Breathing and releasing.

It's been a full life.