I think about a measuring cup
The different numbers that signify
What it is.

I see a photo of an infant on the internet
My ex boyfriends infant
I see my father leaving never to return
I see myself and my mother packing up our house
I see myself sleeping among boxes
I see myself in disneyland eating pretzels
Running away from your family, my family
Because I was so exhausted
I see you telling me you are sad to leave me
I see myself ******* someone else and it meaning nothing
I see myself calling you
I see myself you not calling me back
I see me spending my whole day stressing about that very fact
I see myself wondering what to do with my hair
I see myself being less supportive of myself
I see myself thinking my voice and my thoughts must be an interruption or an annoyance
I see myself being less supportive of others
I see myself feeling a lot of inexplicable pain
With people only being able to be there for me in moments.

I see myself wishing I could get so ****** up I would feel nothing
I could wake up and not worry about the tired and hurting face in the mirror.

These are my dark realities
As dramatic
And ******* lame as that may sound.

I want to turn this wannabe poem around
I wanna write an empowering stanza now.
I have to.

I see myself taking a deep breath
I see myself exhaling it out
Another one
I see myself meditating
I see myself thinking before I speak
I see myself believing my voice is interesting and highly endowed with some truthful brilliance
I see myself needing everyone and everything less
I see myself running and jumping off the mountain, zipping high up above--7,000 feet above sea level
I see myself hiking along trails, sipping mineral water
I see myself staring at the face of the Grand Canyon
I see myself making friends who speak a different language
I see myself tanning, getting inked up
Wearing sun hats, bathing in baths
I see myself being an avid listener
I see myself not living in the past or what I hope or think will be the future
I see myself breathing into the present
I see myself knowing I reached and all I can do is reach, and then to reside in my own grounding
I see myself not obsessing in an unhealthy and traumatic way
I see myself letting the pain I've experienced make me a better human
I see myself finding and feeling secure with trust
I see myself orgasming, feeling immense pleasure
I see myself
I see myself
I see myself.