I feel like garbage today
Sleeping with eyes half open
I didn't respond back to your text
Because I wanted to look cool
Aloof.

I took a nap after thinking of you
Went back to back there for a minute
Checking myself
Reading myself
Everybody looking and wanting
I put myself out there like I ain't got nothin' to lose
And often times I'll lay in bed as I'm falling asleep
And vow to never post to social media again.

I wake up the next day though
And it sorta keeps me company
That's probably why we all do it
Why we all want it
We all just want some kind of
Company.

Hand spun moments
Where I, we
Rise into a cloud
Crystal clear
Doors opening up
I've jumped through hoops aflame
Judging myself all along the way
And I had a thought just not too long ago
I dislike myself the least I have
In quite some time.

A round of free drinks
I hold the cameras up
I fear what I still don't know
And attempt to arm myself with what I lack
No bra, flip flops
I come in like some kind of cute elfin boy
And I think back on all those who have come before me
It makes me feel a little less
Scrutinized.

I'm far far away from home
Three years time in the Chicago skyline
It feels like it has been eons
My best friend says I look completely different
I expel energy in moments
Wondering what that means.

My cat sleeps
I wonder if he will continue to
We curate and plan
We curate and plan.

I've watched so many men
Friends
Jobs
Lovers
Come and go
I've moved five times in three years
I've changed my hair more than I can count
And I stopped tallying up my list of lovers
Because it would take too long
To think it all through.

It is the weekend
The weekends in Chicago slightly slow down
Everyone takes a breather from their email
Except for the constant hustlers.

Do you remember
I often wonder if you do these days
How I stood in front of the mural
The first photo you ever took of me
And the last I would remind you of
To remember me by.

In yoga my mind retraces all of this
Through the sweating and the poses
The instructions
The carving of limbs
I cycle through what it's all been.

Time for rest
Time for rest.
Kisses and busy talk
Subside for now
Time for rest.

Helen of Troy earrings
We kissed into the night as it sped on
A candle ironically singing to us
As if this were some kind of romance
We speak excitedly
You bounce the ball back to me
I watch it hit, spike
Fly up above my head
I reach with long lean arms
Catch it
And throw it right back again.

A greenish blue light seems to follow you wherever you go
You are transparent and honest
You said you were all about this
Nothing chill about it
I wonder quietly to myself
If that will keep you interested.

You watched my face
All through my pleasure
Every time I looked your way
You were looking down
You use the word baby like the cream you like
In your coffee
We nudge each other hard
With silly voices
And a knowledgable banter.

You aren't looking for love
Though I long for it in my life
(Though I always have)
Maybe I'm not either
Not right now.

I stood in the peak of my apartment
And looked around at all the props
All the symbols of progress
The clutter I've collected
In the past several years.

And I said out loud
This is it
This is just it right now
Looking about like yes this is what makes sense
A quiet sadness louder than my own voice
Rang deeply
An awareness of something truly missing.

I can imagine a different kind of looking place
A different kind of life
Big open windows
Clean furniture
Purposeful items
Simple, beautiful
Ornate.

That something missing is a partner
A someone to share my adventures with
The good and the bad
Someone to scoop me up
Hug me into the night
Feed me a glass of wine
And celebrate the little big moments
Of our lives.

I don't have that right now
I've experienced it in spurts
And fought hard to nourish it
To keep it.

My best friend says I just want something deeper
So I lead with my wants
I try that on for size
A morning of sleeping in late
Missing yoga, responsibilities
My cat needing constant attention
I sit in my apartment
And I let outside pressures go.

Did you have fun?
Was it good to entertain yourself with me
For a time.

You held me against the wall
The wall that you created within yourself
Watching you hum and play
On your centerstage
Remember the night I wore red
Or when your best friend
Told me I was out of your league
To which I replied
Every queen needs a king.

I watched you go
But only through my cellphone screen
You stopped replying
I stopped indicating
It was like the drunken nights
Where you kissed my cheek
Or asked for more time with me
Like it had all come and gone.

You covered all the great songs
And behaved as if you felt deeply
Whenever I poured into the sadness
Of the melodies that know me best.

I wonder how you must feel now
Working away at that 9-5
Playing in those bands like you some kinda star
You worshipped me
When you thought I had something to offer you.

Your timing like the drop of a clock
You shoulda known better
You coulda done better
But you're just a child
Just a child who fancied himself
A big shot
For spending time with me.

I woke up with you stretched out next to me
The sun warm on our bodies
Wearing very little
We did Italian impressions all night
You taught me a thing or two about lights
Lenses
Told me to watch this movie, that
Look into color theory
I stopped in moments just to quietly revel.

I love tension
I'm the queen of ***
I like to flirt, bat my eyes
Anything is a prospect
But I need real connection
I need love
I want to be worshipped.

I like to dream up plans
And I like to see those plans come to fruition
I think quietly of how
A blue bird hummed my way
Only to use the most basic of language
To go, to not stay
So I let you fly.

I feel happy in Chicago
Most of the time
Nearly about to embark on my four year anniversary
Here.
I try to make time
I hope for time
I stretch myself far and hard
I want so much
Every task that I complete
10 more pile up.

I delegate and I pinpoint
I dream and I strive to fight to be kind
I miss having someone steadfast in my corner
But oh, at least I have experienced it
And I will again
And he will stay.

My mama is also real sad
And that brings me a quiet unease
I want to see her live well too.

Papa be well
Mama be well
We live out our lives
If I wasn't secretly so sad so often
What kind of artist would I be anyway

Summer is here
We oil up our buns
My eyes are frequently tired
I pour myself into tubes
Self care, self care.

Stop by the grocery store
Grab some tomato juice
My work gives me such life
And it also costs me so much.

I fantasize about the future
And strive to live hard in the present
Nodding consistently to the past
That the old south reaches in
With long soiled fists
And says it is all still here
It is all still here.

I'm a happy lady
Who often feels a quiet sadness
I look for things to lean into
Nothing ever lasting
I fear my own waking and growing
All while knowing I only become better, stronger.

I wonder still
When my prince will come
Recognizing what I've got
Where I've gone
Where I'm going
Dreaming up new little goals
Locking myself into my little coach house
I've been feeling lucky lately
I've been feeling a little bit lucky

A little lingering hurt
Has stayed behind
Since your sudden departure
And it says to me
Under the hot sun
In the moments where I seclude myself
I can't believe he didn't want to try
And stay.

And then sometimes
It just comes and goes.

So just like that
You too,
Came and went
From the flurry of lights
The hand holding over food
Marijuana
Little kisses shared
The way we snuggled
Our bodies melting like butter.

You were great to me in the end
You were horrible to me in the end
I opened the door so wide
So ajar
Watched it slam shut on you as you went.

I can see you now
With your data
Your numbers
The blue eyes I was allowing myself to worship
I wrote you poems into the sky
As you led me through a field
And left me there
Entertaining yourself
With your own insecurity
Your own might.

I owe you nothing now
I swooned into my own hurricane
I define myself through my love
My own love
My work
My friendships.

I slept straight through
Waking up comforting myself
No real tears to spare.

At least it was short lived
Through the moments you called me babe
Or just recently moaned my name

You too
You too
Went
And I watched you go.

Your eyes light up in your face
Like warm blue pools I could bathe right into
I told you today just as I was leaving
That when you experience
That when I give you
Pleasure
You sing.
You open your mouth, that way you do
And your moans are made up of--
A slippery glass coated in butter
That I bite into
Like I can't have enough of it.

I was concerned your silence might mean
Silence
Teetering and drifting down into the sand
Of the beach where I left my tank top on
The sun scalding and tanning me
Leaving little raised bumps behind
Like all the times
I thought back on how
Things would never be the same
Between my family and I
Again.

It is nearly the Chicago summer
I remember the night we met
Before I wore a cape and thought not too much
Not too.

Your lips twitch when you respond
A little buzz of joy, stability, and the fear
Of the wild cards life might bring
I see you juggle them among a flurry of guitars
And the stars you reach up for
But can't quite reach
Not right this moment.

Though limbs long for height
Or expansion
I hope to encourage you
To see what is all around you
In a sea of color
In a parade of limelight
In a veil of simplicity, sincerity
Your integrity resides among it.

I watch you reach
Glimmer and croon on your stage
I seldom am a part of the audience
Eyes usually on me
But I'm glad to be a part of your audience
And that is something that I can proclaim
To be a first.

I woke up this morning and thought
I've gotten so much rest
I don't need you or anyone around

But as the day has worn on
And I think of all the weekends we made time
To see each others eyes
I miss you.

I hope you miss me too.

I saw a little girl
Bumping side to side
As she lifted up and down
Along a tree branch
That had fallen
Or been cut down
I'm not too sure.

It looked as if she bounced among
Over grown spiders
I thought and felt
I'm much like her.

I throw myself into my work
Ain't nobody got respect for any boundaries
I tore my feet up with too many high heels
And step away from my phone when I can
I fancy myself a flame thrower
A mermaid crowned in self taught glory
And at times I'm the saddest sad girl there is.

I'm not sure if things last
Or how they do
I wish and ache for someone on my team
And I think of all there is to do
And how I have to sort through all my emails tomorrow
While trying to release
Relax
Better.

You stepped out into
You went into a corner and didn't invite me back in
It was there, enveloped in your own selfishness
The darkness of your guitar
I watched you decide
That you felt unsure.

I used my paint brush to try and help you see
The ways in which it didn't have to be
My skin tanning
My hair lightening
I made a new playlist
I'm not sure how this will unfold.

I feel very deeply
That I've already expelled a lot of emotional energy
I did all I could
To lead with simplicity
I'm not sure where you went
Or why question marks fill your head
You actively stopped engaging
You stopped doing what you were doing
My friends say you are embarrassed
Young
And selfish.

All of this I already knew
My eyes water from the sunscreen
A few more days till I return
And all I can say is
It will be interesting to see how you handle it all.

I've been crooning quietly
To the wailing of my own song
Drifting in the water
Looking like I'm having a good time
Not you,
too.

Don your best dress
Paint your lips an intoxicating divine
Drinking ***** martinis
I felt like I was the millennial Marilyn Monroe.

I laugh and I chide
My high heels too high for comfort
Serious conversations on the windowsill
The light mention or desire.
Intrigue
I have this feeling he just wanted to be alone with me
A hand on my leg
Softly on my shoulder
The best of friends

I fill up my calendar
And keep an eye on the clock
Turning away from it all
When I can help it
On the weekend
When a handsome boy shows up at my door
And grabs me for a kiss
Wanting to feel like I’m so all his.

It’s almost time to go visit home
I’m a little scared to leave
Timing is always interesting
I hope you reach for me.

Bed time now
I’ll drink coffee and run
I’ll bring a clear mind
An open heart
And vivid eyes.

So I guess this is the part
Where I just admit that I’m afraid
I wasn’t sure what to say to you last night
As I watched you drift so far from me
I had you focus on the color green
You cried into my chest
I can still feel the weight of your skin
Your love
And the way our tongues melted and kissed
When you took my shorts off
And forgot yourself for a moment.

I love neon lights
I stood at the foot of them all
Soaking in every color, fixture
It felt like a playground I could gladly skip in
Any time.

I noticed you seemed down and tired
We split a magical brownie between us
Somewhere in the darkness you seemed to go
And there was no calling you back
In that moment.

I love the way my body feels
When you touch me
It takes so little to turn me on
Because it is you.

I hope you got some rest today and found some peace
I miss you
I’m falling for you
I hope you see me
I hope you fully see me.

Your eyes watery and blue
Crying into the sunset of my *******
You are gonna be okay babe
You are gonna be okay.

He's got his pizza and his brotherhood
When he smiles to himself
Or to me
I gaze longingly
His laughter reminds me of the past
But the antics that made me want it to last
I can imagine the man you will become
I can see you already becoming him.

You're a little whimsical
A little young
Biting me back
You need a haircut
I wanna purr next to you
As you fold me into your warm fresh skin
I can feel your delight and satisfaction with me
I wonder if what you feel resembles love.

I drink wine
Write into the silence
You want this and you want that
Wrapping yourself around me
Looking into my eyes as you give me
Softly
A feeling I haven't felt in so long.

The most painful part
Is being hit with the memories
Of our candy colored amusement park bliss
Of the innocence
Me just like a princess
Eating pretzels, grabbing coffee
The colors whizzing around our skulls
Buying new dresses.

My clothes have been feeling tight lately
I want to lose the excess
It is sunny out but so cold
I ate half the brownie
Hoping to be transported
It all fades away now
Day by day.

No longer your mermaid
When all I wanted
Was just to be alone with you.

You've got a sensibility to you
And the way you croon
As you strum and finger
The strings of your guitar.

I make you a little bit nervous
You throw my antics back into my claws
I take them and eat them up.

You make me wanna be sweet
With your demure appetite
What feels like a simple satisfaction
For whatever this is
That we have found.

I spent a couple days worrying
And overanalyzing
While buried in my doubt
And projecting my fears influenced by the past
You've hung tight.

I'm not sure where this
Where we are
But I want to keep doing it
And I want to keep doing it with you.

That is all I know for now.

It was a long time coming.

It did not happen over night.

I had just dyed a strand of my hair green
Gotten my second tattoo
I was muscular from all the boxing
I was used to doing a lot of walking
My heart was in an array of places
I remember the sock in my long hair
And how the shuttle called "Lady Liberty"
That no longer exists
Whisked me away sooner than I thought it would.

So I kissed and sobbed
My way to the airport
Made videos saying my goodbyes.

I remember arriving
My father meeting me
I moved in with a stranger
Best friends
We quickly became what I hoped to be
Best friends.

Time spun on, like it does
I found my way around
Scared to take the bus
I wasn't sure how large the city went on
Listening to music that felt so pure
Braiding my hair in a way I hadn't before
No one
And I mean no one
Knew who I was.

Starting over again for the second time.

My overalls were blue
I had a flower in my hair
I saw an old photo of us together
The first boy I loved when I moved here
I was so eager to fall into something big.

You later cheated on me
All your friends that I thought were my friends
They turned their back
I cried a lot that year
Into sandwiches
Into eggs and avocado
Into the scripts I would write.

I got more tattoos
I dyed my hair lots of other colorful colors
Submitting and submitting
Unsure of what I wanted
Or who I was
I just started showing up
Handing out business cards
Leading with that lemon sunshine state
You coined
And you coined well.

It took me some time
For the memories of us around a record player
Drinking Mezcal
Kissing into the night when maybe we shouldn't
Taking molly
Cart wheeling in long dresses
Touching my fingertips into who and what I hoped to be.

Sleeping on a mattress on the floor
For quite some time
Bought a desk
Got a new laptop
Later cut all my hair.

A transformation.
It was all a transformation

I likened myself to be so special
Because my journey felt so unique and pure
Though along the way it has been filled
With pain, heartbreak, a loss of hope in moments

But between all of the little blades
I've found indescribable moments of bliss
A recognition of self worth
Both inner and outer
The gusto to make whatever I want happen
The ability to easily captivate
And keep the company I deserve.

And it is still,
Just the beginning.

It is time for bed
My cat rests deeply
I woke up with you around me
And had to run out the door
I left you two notes
I think you took them with you.

I'm not sure
I think of how there was this quiet shame
Embarrassment perhaps
And how quick and easy
It was
For me to turn the corner.

You asked if I was trying to deescalate
Like I've been over here spilling my guts
In a black slip
Dark eyes
Dark lips
I reach for the me I'm becoming.

I need to go somewhere warm
Somewhere that isn't here for a bit
I love being gone.

Tomorrow is Monday
I know I must find the will to work hard
The will to drive my own car
And to let go of the helplessness I feel
Most of my days.

I tick off the good things
Save them in my heart
We were being so present
I've been worrying lately
That I might not be enough

My self worth and confidence
Wavering in the wind
Just so slightly.

I pin point a clear image of myself
And the love I know I deserve
I found a spot within which to spot
I didn't move until it was time
To bar hop.

I live a bougie glamorous life
I worry about how I appear
I worry about being behind
I worry about every ounce of it.

There has been an indescribable darkness lately
Forever in those transitional times
Longing for the sun to come
And stay.

I was just starting to feel
That little bit of contentment
I fear you want the cake
And wanna eat it too.

But what does it really matter
I ask myself
Returning to my cool girl
Looking up at the mountainous mountain syndrome
I try to explain out loud how it played out
In all the multi layered colorful fog
That frequently surrounds
Us millennials.

It is a Sunday
I wish that I felt a little bit more
Get up and go
Whiskey drinks turned out quite nice
We ate pizza into the colorful lights
I am completely myself
Because I see I must.

I bought the extra large t-shirt
A sunflower right on it
You pulled it up and off of me
Giving your skin your heart
To me, sighing in a variety of octaves
I croon your name.

When you have to go it's like my story goes a little bit quieter
You have such a generous energy
With a grounding, an appreciation for wit, conversation
You wondered if I was real
You wondered if I was real
You said
Are you real?

We held hands like it was no big
Like this was just the thing
Eating eggs by the window
Nachos late at night
It's been so long
It's been so long.

I extend my arm, my hand
While focusing on the pattern of my own foot steps
No rush
There's no rush
But the way you look by me
Is pretty exciting.

Your blue eyes grounded, wistful
In little moments you remind me of one from before
That longing I felt and feel for him at times
Replaced with your aura
The shape of a bull running towards
The red I wear
You soak me up and kiss me down.

We stand in a crowd of people
I wasn't feeling like talking to strangers
You smile in that sheepish way
Wrapping your hand around my waist
A nervous feeling is not something I feel
When I'm with you
The whole thing is just so easy.

A buttery fine cake
Kissing each other into the escapist love
I can feel growing like a plant.

A flutter of my eyes
I'm back in the canyon
Inking my arm
I'm standing at the edge of a castle
Eating hummus and fruits with my hands
I'm sitting in movie theatres
I'm the one with the empty seat next to me
Next to you I feel
Like maybe I don't have to be always on my own.

He breathed me in deeply
His nose against my chest
Words flowing through his lips
I'm just like a candy store
A piece of bubblegum
I'm just like candy
He said.

You kiss me deeply into the sheets of the earth
Back my body against yours
Your voice ringing high
In fits of pleasure
You tease me, I tease you.

I aim to keep my head level
My ears and eyes above water
Let's not swoon here too much
The timing is interesting
As a herd of possible suitors
Swarm in, wanting my attention
I think about the ***** money I could make
Just to sit down for a meal
If I had it my way.

I long for more, I want more
But I keep myself from submerging under the water.

Coffee in the morning
I had more dreams of peril
Waking into the darkness of my black rooms.

I'm productive and effecient
Unclear of what you desire
Unclear of what I desire

So I'll keep it cool, casual
As the sun reveals it's pretty head
I wear skirts you hike up around my waist
And keep moving
Onward
Just like the tattoo
Inked to my
Wrist.

I sat on the tile of my bathroom floor
Like I have many times before
A safe place to be at my utmost vulnerable
And I just cried a bit.

I cried a bit, I let it all
Every ounce of it flash through my mind
And it was such a relief
To have you be kind and cool
And not read too deeply into my fears
My sensitivity.

You are young
You are lively
You speak in a high, energetic, impulsive way
I like it best when you worship me
I straighten my posture
I aim my eyes evenly
Sweating in and out of yoga poses
Grounding myself in my work
My friendships
My health.

I'm not sure what it is that you want
It's so much easier at the beginning
When I get to that drunken place
Where I speak in a lower pitch
Swaying a little bit back and forth
In my heels
My lips and eyes dark, mysterious
So cool, such a chill *****

But I can't be her all the time.

Side by side we played video games
I'm competitive
I think you probably are too.

I wasn't sure I'd end up liking you
Your skin buttery on top of mine
I feel clean and refreshed after you
Give yourself to me.
A first.

Sleep
It's time for sleep
To hit the pavement
Make money
And rest.

You are *******
I was there in a pale blue
Doodling
It was there that you told me I should be storyboarding.

I drew on my face
I drew on yours too
You did a photoshoot of me in the tub on your camera phone
We were the nymph queen and king
You said.

I watched us glimmer like shadows
Into the wood
Your dog, now since passed
Running, leaping
I put my elbows on our little balconies edge
We ate pumpkin cornflakes
Pumpkin pop tarts
Drove around in someone else's car
Our first vacation.

My hair was several colors then
Actually, no
Just purple
I got it braided real nice
I remember the snap shots you took
You were always taking pictures of me taking pictures.

I've had many a lover
And I still quietly choke up
Over the way that you harmed me in the end
And drove yourself so far into the ground
Away from everything I was
Everything we were.

You used to send me links to nice apartments
We'd fantasize
Talk about a babies room
I wanted so much.

Maybe too much for you at the time
I know now it was just never going to be me.

I wonder if you are happy
I remind myself between little swallows
That we are coming up on the time
That my parents split
And I packed my bags
Left you cold
You deserved it.

A trickle of trees
I ran into the wood crying
We took molly
Smoked ****
Drank wine
I exposed my heart to you
And still
A year later
I'm recovering
From being your doll


From fighting so hard to watch us only fall.

We drank our whiskey from a cup
I wore red, memorable
Shining
You kick back with little tufts
Of hair that align your arms
Reading dark poetry in bed
It is hard for me to wait for silence
I fill it up in fear of what may or may not be said.

You embrace me from behind
Pull up my skirt
And look down at me
Like I'm a beacon.

I'm vulnerable and I've been badly hurt
I try to embrace the space
The distance of us running in opposite directions
I keep the lights turned off
During this quiet time
In order to maximize my health.

You play the keyboard
You sing into a mic
Strumming and ******* your guitar
How could I not want you?

One of my best friends really likes you
Pushing back on my antics
While still admiring me
Just how I need it.

I'm not sure where this will lead
But we both acknowledge how present we are
You speak, you commincate
I listen.

I want you
You have officially taken up space in my mind
Please be good.

So that was just it
In the warmth of my apartment
Here on my own
The clock ticks on
And I acknowledge this is all mine now.

My legs and my feet have been aching
A sore quiet pain
Everything takes much effort these days
And I hope and wait
To fall back into place
Hoping for a new splash
Of elated happiness.

I like it when I have something exciting to announce
One more day till I strut in Barbie pink
Holographic high heels.

I think of you everyday
Don't you think of me everyday too.

Nothing seems to fit in just yet
I tell mama please move on along
My father tried to use me to cover up a lie
And I think of all the thousands of times
I retreated and left for good
Only to go back into the lions den
A limb hanging off my bones
From your ****** teeth
Shocked at my saying
"This is the last time."

The last time I was Peter Pan
You fed me in the morning
I take it personally when people unfollow me
I wonder where I must have erred
Or if it is just happenstance
I don't know anymore
And I hope someday not to care.

I'm afraid of not reaching my goals
I'm afraid of being successful
I'm tired, tired all the time.

I do yoga
And a flood of memories revisits me in the quiet
Sweating and seeing
Feeling the day I got lost in Disneyworld
Or we took photos in front of the ferris wheel
All of it
There is too much
To remember.

It is Friday night
I can hear the sound of the mechanical cat arm
Going up and down.

The light sound of cars humming
My cat at the end of my bed purring
I blocked you just now
To keep you and stop you
From pondering where I'm at
Through the safety of my poetry.

I've avoided writing for quite some time now
Because I hear and see you
In my mind
Little bits of what is now the past
In my what is still relatively new
Life.

I wonder how you do it
How you, just like my father
Masquerade.

The two of you were supposed to be so strong
Though you never really gave each other a chance
In that horrible black polo I hated
Looking at me like I was a piece of warm meat
You called me on the phone that night
I remember I wore the white cape blouse
Because I believed it was lucky.

It's all done now
I know you have driven yourself
Right into the ground
So far away.

I flushed the toilet and you entered my mind

We submerged ourselves into the piping hot water
Encouraging our bodies to recoup
I don't understand why some of them just never answer
Sometimes it really gets me going.

As I was midway through the water
I looked up and saw her
Your friend.

It reminded me of the mansion
The mansion where you revealed how far from me you were.

I wrapped myself in a blanket
We stood on a rock and took selfies
47 likes later
Our love matters
It so seems to matter.

I read screenplays
I remember waking up in the morning
You were in such a hurry to get out of bed
Sometimes I really felt like this little
Trophy daughter.

Not yet in a place where I could be as strong as I needed to be.

I said hello to her
Called her name out
Handled it with immense poise and ease
I'm not so sure that she even recognized me at first.

Do you remember the night
Where I switched the music
And you all left the room?

That was what dating you was like
I'd switch the music
And you
You'd all leave the room.

There is a quiet truth
That I often will touch lightly
Just with the tips of my fingers
Back in between the stardust
Of the moments where I simply hold myself up.

I called mama back
Asked her not to ask me if I've met anyone
Anymore
I said of course I do and am
But lets just assume not
Unless I bring it up because they are worthy.

Silk white shoes
I imagine them dancing along the lines
Or cracks in the cement
And I avoid my social paranoia
Like a plague of barbaric flies.

I'm back now
You and you
Have returned to my mind.

Nothing but my lamp shines
I breathe in and out.

I breathe in and out..

I've reached a point
Of a grateful apathy
And let you go


It was always going to need to be you
To reach back out
You taught me some things
Whether you meant to or not
And I no longer
Can stand here with open arms.

Late in the night when the houses go quiet
And there is nothing that surrounds me but a quiet
Darkness
Every little noise stirs up my paranoia
I recycle moments, fears, and looks in my head
Think of how to improve
Where I'm not good enough
Afraid of this or that
Swimming into a deep pool
Of just me
Just me in these plural moments.

I stand my ground.
I stand it with kindness and sincerity
It's all been such a hike
To make it this far
And this is still just the beginning.

Opportunities arise
And often don't come to fruition
I ride the wave
In all the many places I sleep
Solo
Most times, thankful for the solitude
The appreciation of my own thoughts
Company
And sometimes longing for that distraction
That glue to paper feeling
When you and someone else
Just click.

It hasn't really happened for me
Not yet
I've found myself excited for several moments
Bending over into a colorful triangle
Hoping to make it work out.

I'm so tired of it all
I've been tired of it for a year now.

So I stop trying
I stop searching
I don't define myself through who loves me
And who doesn't any longer.

I don't understand why I'm not as popular
When I'm just on my own.
I don't understand
Why I'm more paranoid
When I'm just on my own.
I don't understand
Why I feel this quiet sense of doom
When everyone around me nurses drinks
Or blabs thoughtlessly about their love lives
When I'm just on my own.

But its something
I'm working on
And starting to control.

Mickey Mouse ears
Walking around holding hands with the little ones
I remember how you left me sitting at the bar
And forgot to introduce me.

Your coworker asked me how I was
Sent me hugs and such
I said as little as I could say
And I remember the day
When he came up and whispered in my ear
"When is it gonna be you I'm gonna be yelling at people for."

A silver jumper
I've worn it since I left you
Since I buried us in the ground.

I eat vegetarian now
I know more about how things work
I sniff out when people love me for me
I remember how I braided my hair
You loved it best when it was purple
Sitting on my bed
Saying you didn't love me because of my brilliance.

I utter only silence into your direction now
I close my eyes from time to time
A deep feeling washes over me
Little pet names
How you would stress over every little thing
And now it is, that you claim to have this big future
With someone else.

There is something in the air that no one is really saying
But I know they see photos of me
They see what I am doing
They know you, they got to know me for a moment
The truth lingering in the air
Like shards of glass
From the night you fell short
And I never looked back
With any hope
Ever again.

It's true that it was all going to fall apart at some point
It's true that I did my best
And I meant it when I said I gave it my all
Leaving, riding away
Looking back only for closure
It's taken me so long to forget the way
Your eyes would meet mine
Full of longing
And the sentiment
That I wasn't just right
In fitting into the tiny little crevice
That was there in your already
Preordained life.

A light blue iridescence
Slight green
Shining brightly
You made me feel so good
For the moments it seemed like
This would happen
And yet here I am once again
Harping on the differences
In our ages
And experience.

It felt so good
So relaxed
To soak up the Palm Tree filled sun
You texting me excitedly
I didn't realize you were so emotional
I didn't realize there was something
At stake for you too.

I've walked around the lengths of the cities
I've been in
Since I left at the early hours of the morning
And you stopped talking to me
I've missed you
I've missed what I thought we might have.

I'm just not sure what your silence means
And I've done all I can
Unsure of where to tread next.

Do you have a Valentine today?
I wished this morning
That we could have said that to one another
I wish


I guess we will see.

I heard the news
Among the hum and whistle
Of a busy night.

In mere seconds
I knew you were off the market
I laughed and felt a general shock
I've been through so much at this point
Nothing can really bring me down.

I heard how it looked
What the post was like
Do you remember on this day last year
How we flew back together
I convinced you to stay with me
And it was all such effort
Oh it was all so much ******* effort.

You had red roses delivered
A little card, I think
We didn't go to dinner
I remember I was sad about that.

Sitting on my red couch
The one you broke
Red wine, wet whistles
I tried with all my might
To take it all in stride
And to match the wide width
Of what you hoped for me to be.

But it all ended
I wrote on your pizza box in lipstick
And looked back only for closure
Saying each time,
This, this is the last time
And now its really done
It really is over
You mustered up the courage to put a ring
On another.

Black bathingsuit
Everyone liked our pictures
And now those same friends
Are supportive but don't like my pictures
But exclaim they are so glad its over
Its always so funny
When folks find comfort
And peril
In couples
Who seem happy
But perhaps

Really aren't.

I laid on my side
As I broke down and disappeared into the core
Of my cellphone
I wanted out, unsure of how to escape
I felt a slight tapping near my ear
Lightly touching my face, my hair

I opened my eyes
And you stood there all your own
Not attached to any object or thing
With a black and purple
Three dimensional haze
Drifting, levitating slightly
Your arm snapped and drew back
Into its socket

Your teeth large and held at a grit like
Candor
You lasted long enough for me to see you
And then you were gone
Like smoke.

You rematerialized once more
As the form of my shadow
While I slept on the other side of the bed.

We used sage to light up the whole house
And burn out any ill will
I lit some incense
With some sage in a coffee cup
Took a melatonin
And spent most of my night
Eyes open
Afraid.

You didn't return to me last night
Perhaps the sage did the trick

Black and purple haze
My friends say you probably just wanted attention
Don't we all?

I don't wanna be afraid
To lie in the pillows of my own despair
I don't wanna fret
On the meaning of solitude
Picking at skin tags on my neck.

The cold picks up and drifts
Nail guns humming loudly
Below the bottom of the stairs
Repairing the house I temporarily sleep in
Starting to sort of miss
That Chitown city life
I've worked night and day
To cultivate.

I'm not sure
None of us are quite sure
What is gonna end up happening
Everything is a pink or a red
Your silence swirls around me
As I reached out more than once
And led myself down a road
Where I had new experiences
And yet my mind still wanders to you.

There is a lightness, a brevity
That feels like its been missing a little bit
It picked back up
When I wandered around the humid and warm
New York City
Lights.

The sun is out
But I am not today.

My eyes and my face feel tired
I think I'll wear my pjs
And not allow myself to feel controlled by this day
The day of cupid and hearts
But simply rest well
Take care
And let it be.

The curve of your lips
And the crook of your knee
We share a drink.

A red beret
Kissing sweet softness on the dance floor
You said your favorite part
Was looking down at us
In our denim

I have such fun in New York
It is always such an esquite amount of time
Toughening me up
Preparing me

She laid next to me
The ink on her glimmering in the night
I watch you take her all in
In my pink leotard
Played music to fit the mood

You came over to me
You had to have me too
It was entertaining to share you
Dancing on my own so often
That I attempted to do
Like I always do
And gain back my control
By leaving.

But I came back
And it’s true I have before
But this time was different.

Kissing into the Brooklyn late night
Leaving in the morning
With morning splashed goodbyes
Messaging sweet sonnets
Of modern technology resounding
In the form of gray text
Black letters
Of moist romance.

I feel so much all the time
I try to step out of my body and mind
When I can
When I can.

Buttery kisses
Touches meant from afar
A little bit of worship
In the dawn.

The light bulb across the room burns
A bright yellow sun
It is quiet now
Other than the sound of light snoring
Down the hall.
It is a Philadelphia hour

And I think of all the places I’ve been
All the kisses I’ve received
And given.

It’s so easy to get so caught up in it all
My eyes long for sleep now
But my mind still aches for a little bit more
I’m not even sure what that more might be
But in the darkness of the night
My phone lights up from time to time


And I wonder why you have gone so quiet
I’m sad that you have gone so quiet
Though we only were for such a short time
I see your words around me
I wonder what you feel now
Unsure of what was real
And what wasn’t

I was sorry and I still am
I learned so much from you
Even though we only existed
Together for truly a minute
I miss you
And I wish things were different.

Maybe they will be
But I can’t long for
Or try anymore
Right now.

It’s at the end of the night
Where I’m not in my own real home
That the silence starts to settle in
As I take up my own bed
And notice what is missing.

Santa Claus
The Eastern Bunny
The Tooth Fairy
Monsters
Fairies
Nymphs
Magic
Love

I'm not so sure what I believe in anymore
But I don't know
That it is
Love.

I bought a ticket
To New York City
A cat slumbers near me
I wish you had just been
Up front
About who you are.

I close my eyes
And open them yet again
Dreaming of all
Dreaming of all.

Clowns have been on my mind
Controlling me
Or directing them.

It is sunny outside today
In sweet Philadelphia
I think of how I want to spend my time.

I'm not really sure what I need
My heart and my mind
My soul
Feels like it needs a little healing power.

I've gone through some emails
I've got a bag to unpack
A cat walk across the vanity
I'm smoking ****.

A whole other playground waits outside for me
I'm gonna give myself a minute
A minute
My heart still stinging.

Nothing is incredibly new
Or old
A familiar place
Where I marked the land
Everything, me
A little bit different then.

I left my camera behind
Didn’t even bring my new lenses
Forgetting with such sweet triumph
Like this is so much of what I do now
I need to press pause when I can
For a breather.

When I fall into little pits of
Quiet despair
I try to lift myself up
With thoughts on
A warm hug of glory.

A cat nestles in close next to me
It’s time for bed now
Kicking off the pavement
To rest for a moment
I hope for so much.

I walked around tonight
Neon lights flashing and dancing
That dark yellow red
Philadelphia winter lighting.

I’m here now
I’m so completely here now
I thought things would be a little different
I’m here now
And it makes sense
As I feel fulfillment
And a quiet sadness

Much like the journey is.