I told you once
That I need to be held after ***
Or the anxiety gets me
"Why didn't you tell me?"
And you wrapped me up
And made me feel so small
And you kissed the top of my head

Every time after that

I could curl up under your arm
My back against your side
Your arm curled around me
And I held on for dear life

And it meant nothing to you

Us
With no clothes on
In the daylight
You were holding both my hands
Chest to chest
My legs around you
We made eye contact
As I moaned your name
You leaned in
And kissed my forehead


And it meant nothing to you

I ****** you
And you didn't even like it

I took my clothes off
In the daylight

And it wasn't good enough for you

"I'm bad with words. Judge my actions."

That was a trap

Because you told me exactly what it was
But let me read into it how I wanted

I've never been played in my life
But you're a manipulative *******
Who let me love you for your benefit

My love
I don't know why the universe
Blatantly refuses
To let us face something together

I told my love of 8 years that his dad shot his step mom and then himself today
And I feel selfish for not being okay
We haven't been together for almost 6 months now
And it's his tragedy through and through
But I love him
And it's not that I want him to need me
It's that I want to go to him
And hold him
And let him be whatever he needs to
But he hasn't asked me to come
And I'm spiraling
Hard

I love you sweetheart. I'm so sorry. But he's gone. I'm so sorry baby. I can come to you if you need me.

When I imagine
What it's like to die
I think back to when I was three
And I compound fractured my arm
Falling off of a horse

You had your truck
But we were close to home
So you scooped me up
And you ran all the way there

I'm so sorry baby. I'm so sorry baby. Daddy's got you. Daddy's got you.

That might have been the only time
You ever said you were sorry


I'm so sorry baby. I'm so sorry baby. Daddy's got you. Daddy's got you.

I just know
That if there's anything after this
Maybe even if there's isn't
After my last breath leaves me
That's what I'll hear

I'm so sorry baby. I'm so sorry baby. Daddy's got you. Daddy's got you.

Because I hear it
Now
In the dark

I want
To be
Dead