this whole endeavor started because of you
sorry, him...
so maybe it will be an interesting change
to see where it goes
without you—
errm—him

as muse, that is
probably a lot more poems about
the finer existential points of
earrings and cereal

my memory is like DNA
there’s some really important stuff in there
the rest of it is just junk

there are lots of doctors in my queue
which is ironic because I hate doctors
but ****
they are hot

dogs are nice
dogs are fun
they like to chew and *** and run
dogs are sweet
you know it’s true
the only thing better

is a person who loves you and who you love and you don’t want to ****** each other and you make each other laugh and have great *** and do cool stuff together and they think your kid is awesome and you think their kid is awesome and you live happily ever after and also you have antigravity boots

Do I love you?
Of course, of course I do.
It’s ok if you don’t exist.
Neither do I.

the world is very exhausting when you care for people who don’t care for you
it’s lonely and draining and depressing
it feels like more than a page to turn
it feels like the heaviest most suffocating weighted blanket in existence
today
I don’t care for anyone

I’m thinking
don’t touch me
lately I’m always thinking
don’t touch me
I shudder
I’m responsible
for everything
don’t touch me
don’t ever touch me
again
I wish I could say it

no te preocupes
ne t’inquiete pas
ne volnuysya
nie martw sie

preoccupazione

noli commoveris
bié dānxīn
min anisycheite
keine angst

when I’m done being mean
I will go away
don’t worry
I have a lot of mean left
(but I do have a short attention span)

I thought you were going to slay some dragons
...when?
when were you going to do that?
I saved some for you
like you asked

you may think I love Game of Thrones
but I’ve never seen it
my dragons and castles are very different

I dreamed of a new lover
he was tall and thin
he was old and young
    (like me)
he was strong and easy and kind
he did not believe
in absurd myths of human subservience
we walked together with our jangly arms intertwined
we laid together with anticipation
we smiled together with shy hope
I woke up with all the best feelings
in my favorite parts of the body
he’ll be back
he was a keeper

the screams in my dreams
are not nightmares
though there is a monster

driving at night
is a terrible fright
with my very poor sight
so if we get into a fight
please
do not let me drive
at night

you’ve had enough of me
that much is clear
I turned the spigot on full blast
you said, drown me
so I did

you excited my thoughts
which then swooned about
like drunk fireflies on a warm summer night

The bits I see
Are not a reality
Just made up stories
Dumb heart candy

truth is subtle and quiet
we have to wait for the dust to settle
then it is revealed
immutable and clear
carved into smooth stone
impossible to unsee

my plants are in their containers
trying to pull themselves out
having gotten impatient with my relaxing Sunday morning routine
—we’ve been here since yesterday morning!!
they shout, leaves and roots all antsy-ing about
—put us in the ground Now!!

and I, slave to my garden,
set down my tea,
and dutifully comply

each time I see you
I become more stupid and incapacitated
you’d better stay away
before I forget how to tie my shoes
or slip into a coma

I am alone in the bed and—
no, wait... nope
I’m not
a small wiggling creature is climbing,
hugging, kissing, squirming
— mom? are you awake?
&$!#!*!!
— can you go to the bathroom with me?
— yes baby, let’s go...

I’m over sensitive
and insecure
but easy to please

your face is very easy to kiss
your hand is very easy to hold
your heart is very is easy to love
on you, dear, I was easily sold

in your thought I am happily lost
in your life I would happily live
in your arms I would happily stay
your mistakes, dear, I happily forgive

there is a lot more
great, cheap *** in the world today
but for the really good stuff
you still have to pay

I am suspended in a healing euphoria
I haven’t felt this for so long
my connection to greater self seemed blocked
but I am expanding now
a minor ecstatic state
integrated with my mind
swelling in my chest
my limbs are numb and beautiful
the dimensions are folding loosely inside me
portals opening
I feel an incorruptible power and purity
a gentle ineffable pleasure of peace
and rightness
in truth, I do not know what it is
I call it energy, spirit, light
I call it Love
I call it Self

I fell asleep in a choker of solid gold
and dreamed I was an Egyptian cat

I don’t know if you love me
or want
very intentionally
to destroy me
this is very messed up
but I am committed to surviving you
either way

the wind died down
the fire was spent
the company left
but the embers were still burning
I smoked
then
alone

it’s always tempting to blame myself
I can see the attraction
having a safe target
to take out my anger and frustration
to feel in control
with the illusion that self improvement could fix it
it’s preferable to accepting
that there is nothing at all I can do
maybe this is where the locus of fear comes from
growing slowly each morning in my stomach
I am alone
one of the many islands created in the deluge of our global actualization
we are each alone in our chrysalis
a symphony of painful transformations
does the moth think it has a choice?
does it always survive?

we are fading
further
soon we won’t exist at all
except as a discarnate energy
a lost record of
emotional detritus
drifting
until being ****** up
by some other being who recycles us
into something useful
perhaps
an other love

I’m feeling different, better
sure, there’s still the debilitating emotional vulnerability, but not nearly as bad
and I feel peaceful, accepting
almost zen

course I did just go to the gym

I am alone this night
I know it
like so many others
you are not here
may never be
I know it

but I am
and this is enough

will always be

I figured it out
my attraction is based on respect
and that’s why
I can’t bring myself to **** a trump supporter
even if he’s hot
and can build me a closet

a phrase that has become meaningless
and impossible to say
‘I love you’
too painful
if not entirely cliche

a perplexing range of types
with one that matters most
a disappointment, a weapon
true for children
and ghosts

forgive me if I do not respond
in the right time
or place
perhaps this will change
if ever I see your face

the question may not be
would I love him if you weren’t there
but
would I love you
if he weren’t there

I was startled out of my body twice last night
twice!!
I floated there, momentarily weightless
before being snapped back in
it was very rude

the second time I was flashed the gateways
vividly
like a smack in the brain
wake up ya zombie!
I was all, Jesus Christ! I hear you!
lemme go back to sleep!
some of us didn’t pick up a buncha worshippers and we have to work for a living!
**** esoteric trust fund kids

I realized the other day, I always wash that arm first
with the scrubby
trying to exfoliate the scars away
it’s worked
you can barely see anything there
except when my skin gets hot and wet
and turns pink in the shower
then, ever so faintly
the spidery red lines can be seen
like the disintegrating roots
of some old dead tree

every night at this time
someone is tapping
on my mind

everything is dark today
my thoughts
my heart
my clothes
the sky
everything

you tell me
do I see you?
do I see
all of you
yet
in the smoke
in the mirrors
in the moonlight…?

because I feel you

everywhere

yeah, but
you don’t know people,
he said
and I thought,
exactly

the exosphere
is the last bit of matter
the gravity can hold onto
before slipping out into space
alone
it’s the thinnest skin
separating one world
from the void between worlds
it feels like pins and needles
when interplanetary molecules are trapped
and celestial molecules break free
it feels like freedom and death
it feels like waking up

my eye is a giant boil
aching with vision
or lack
clouded with hurt
and denial
my eye is red and burning
it’s mate cannot relate
pressure grows
the dry burning orb
begs for release
if only it could cry
or scream
louder

I am laying in my bed
alone
feeling shy and happy
naked and alive
missing your eyes

all my states
are united under one country
of which you were the capital

strange but I was jealous of your Italian girl
even though you don’t care for her at all
are in fact, quite heartless towards her

but I am not jealous of Faith
he loves her
not me
there’s nothing for me to lose

sometimes there’s not enough time in a life to heal
lovers lose
children die
hearts are never found
and we just laugh laugh laugh ourselves to the nearest grave
the life is still beautiful though
course it is

don’t worry guy
I’m not writing to you
I’m writing to him
the person you’ll never be
so you…
you’re free

I am an island
a beautiful, glorious fantasy island
you don’t even know