there was love
as it were
as much as was available
which sometimes wasn’t much
but a man in a desert can rejoice over a teaspoon of water

the world is very exhausting when you care for people who don’t care for you
it’s lonely and draining and depressing
it feels like more than a page to turn
it feels like the heaviest most suffocating weighted blanket in existence
today
I don’t care for anyone

I’m just gonna say it
I hate the subway
it’s hot, stinky, and *****
there’s too many people
but you can’t stare at them cause that’s rude
so you just have to stare at the walls
while crammed into a tin can shooting way too noisy and fast through the dark subterranean landscape
while disconcerting looking people roam from car to car
imploring you somewhat incoherently for money or attention or food
or some scrap of human connection
which is literally and existentially the most  terrifying aspect of the whole experience

as an urban planner by profession
I worry
this makes me an egregious hypocrite
though perhaps it’s just the gross density of humanity to which I object

I did, after all, enjoy the bus,
the train, and the walking walking walking
walking walking walking
walking walking

I’m disappointed today

I wish you were here
we’d hold hands on the bus
snuggle on the train
wander aimlessly through the museums, streets, and parks of New York
we’d share a bed
we’d share fancy drinks
we’d scream at the stage
more! more! more!
we’d make years of memories in a day
and come back to our sleepy town
in the end
more in love than ever

fix your house
reclaim your joy
find the infinite self inside the self,
the wellspring of happiness and love
you, too, can feel that you are
beautiful and sublime
you cannot be found in any mirror
or other
accept your numinous being
and you will be healed

the morning walked along an ecstatic shore
under a pastel drawn sky
flowing in white scarves
the morning was a beautiful woman
with long hair emanating peace
and gratitude
the morning was perfect