I’m surprised we made it this far
You’re the one who’s been there with me all along
You stayed by my side through thick and thin
I can’t believe you’ve stayed this loyal to what we’ve been
I wouldn’t be me without you
Despite you I couldn’t move
Even without the thought of you, you affect me in everything I do
From the way I glance at me to how you prove me differently
The presence of you has changed me, you aged with me and change like me
And like me, you can’t like me
Sometimes it feels you hate me and I guess that’s common to be feeling
The feeling of security in pains I’m believing
At least I’m aware of what’s reality
And not lost in confusing fantasies

Now the fact that I’m trusting these false prophesies
Is what’s making the hurt more promising
And promising I won’t feel another thing is the most alarming
But being in pain aint worse than feeling nothing
And I swear I’d take death before life took love from me
So from me is honesty
I ******* hate being alive when I’m lonely
It shows there’s no one for me
So for me I stand til I can’t feel my legs beneath me
From life beating down who I’ve come to be
Makes me hesitate on living
Especially with the tools to end me
Here lies the freedom of expression Im pertaining
I hope after this letter I won’t have to see who I’m going to,
Let this life be a word to you and my examples make me worthy to a few
That this rope wasn’t an option of violence I have to come to
It’s the effect it will cause on the future of me and you
Strangling the insecurities I have lived through

Broken promises left my focus anonymous til life sent its consequence
pretentious postures kept my thoughts unconscious
a prominence to be full of confidence
and an ominous apparel to your provenance,
your body language was taught differently than what I’ve heard
speaking in foreign words
from the painted nails to the forced curls
killing a canvas created for diamonds and pearls,

It's what the world prefers but love begs to disperse
but whats love to a lustful mind,
like obsessions are where your worth is clearly defined
your lust goes beyond approvals of mine
you need attention of those on the outside
like what I say can’t align with the amount of likes that they provide

I feel like I couldn’t matter less,
I'm a personal therapist who tries their best
who gets blamed for the things that cease to rest
who gets pushed under the bridge when things get stressed
you say you’re depressed but your sympathy for mine has digressed  
your symptoms are contagious when you tell me i'm selfish for wanting better than this
I'll remember to shut up next time I ask for happiness

Who you are to me isn’t the same as who you are to with anybody
you pick moods like they’re choices
like the person you’re around is what affects how your voice is
you never wanted happiness when I was in your presence
pity is what you love more than the betterment of our essence
putting you first is what benefitted

You is all that mattered
my heart was a broken platter
swept away by filters I held over
my mind felt shattered
my hopes and dreams clattered
the foreclosure of who I was for who you wanted me to be

My hearts in a different place now
my mind is full of spirits now
I lost who i was in an act to please you
I regret sacrificing myself for you
I hate the way things turned out but I'm learning who I am now
Im learning what it means to be me again and that’s something ill never give in

I hope no one has to experience the torments of losing self love again

I know you’re up thinking about the past and…
frankly i can’t blame you,
the past is where you run to incase you feel alone in your bedroom
and feeling alone is what you’re into
you’re attracted to the pity people gave you
for feeling differently in pains that harbored you,
it hurts but its true, I see you listen to the things you know hurt you
and you think you’re haunted by the past
you purposely think so your hurt will resume,
you’re drugged by heartbreak because you've been broken into
but no mater the amount of times you **** you,
you will never end your sorrows
because they’ve become one with you.

Star Shooter

Why, of course why baby, I can see it in your eyes you can’t live without the star in your life
but it passes by, I guess the star shooters aren’t aiming for your life at this time
and time is all you have, you gaze amongst the clouds waiting for their time to flow away
I guess the pictures they create aint something you care for today
you prefer the brink of the night where light is preserved by milky ways and Hercules

you haven’t seen one move yet but you know you will and when you do you’ll move with it til its still
but the star shooters don’t aim for the landfill of broken feels
so you watch space hold the light still like a vase with daffodils
its beauty is sacrificial as the night heals
tell me how it feels as you waste the time that kills

its the pain that drills your mind, so close to the bottom line
I see the picture in your mind, you feel he’s one of a kind
like the pain you agonize will disappear like the summer flies
but his anger flies by you, you can’t accept the fact he’s bad for you
his personality was the way he was issued, like you subscribed to a life that was made for you
he gon' break your heart again and tell you what you need too
you fall into his trap of thinking he’s a good man
let him convince you’re broken and he’s got what makes you whole again
let him change your perception on love between friends and let him get to you at 2am
let his hands push past boundaries you said he would never cross again
then let his body meet yours and let him tell you its out of love and this what it means to be fulfilled again
so you break your morals while he breaks the floor boards, you broke your promise, while his love was anonymous
you threw your self respect out the way, so he could change your for a day
now your days are limited from the moment he took and ran away
you couldn’t ever convince him to stay
now you sit and stare out your window waiting for the stargazing to shoot one your way

but you haven’t seen one yet but you know it will and when you do you’ll move with it til its still
but the star shooters don’t aim for landfills of broken feels
now your light that was once held still is casting shadows of an image you want to feel
tell me how it feels, the time that kills, is the love still real, or is everything you felt like a shattered vase filled with crushed daffodils

If I could buy time, how would you waste mine?
and if my emotions were still alive, would you apologize?
if my trust was never-ending would you push it to the end of the line?
but if white lies were protecting me, why did you use them to hide?
when you broke my heart to heal yours did the satisfaction suffice?
and when you said friends, you meant guys, and by slumperparties you meant one nights?
and one nights all it would take but if I questioned where you were a defense was set in place
speaking as if I wasn’t trusting you enough, like you were behind me every step of the way
and if my love would never die, how long until you appreciate mine?

We fight often but no fight could ever make me speak on you often
but tell me how often I’m wrong because of the way you speak on
I'll never be right in your eyes, you’ve never been wrong after all
even after all the drinks and drugs you inhale
can’t you tell the tale the holds you stale  
you fall and fail and I would never tell
but you lack compassion, and you find ways to make you matter again
so you blame me for the things you did, and claim you never did it
like our secrets fell out of your pocket and dropped into someones hands
I guess my image never mattered let alone who we were.
I tried to keep that safe but your emotions were what mattered
I tried to run free but I believed the lies you told me
letting go should be so simple but we made it complex
because if the pain is real why should we be forced to come back again
so why is broken love, considered real love to the those who aren't in it?

They say time heals so if I could I'd buy all the time there was
not to extend what we had but to separate what we were
I used to be who you wanted me to be
I'm happy now I can be who I deserve to be.
me
Questions to you, for me

Overwhelmed I can’t be by you, why my dream girl gotta be spiteful? Why you deny me like a average guy who.. who need be no apology the way you comma’d me, I really mean you split me like clapping for syllables I’m pronouncing, and sounding out ways I could say I want you, but we halt like stutters, our past gives us hiccups so we chose ignorance as our water. Yet you teach me like a scholar , so I guess I should call her..

I’m lost in candy cane paradise, where my thoughts are real and there’s no need for advice..

I cover my eyes to dream again, like the wind doesn’t blow away my friends, but they pass like a breeze colder than winter trends. Send me mixed messages, like a dream catchers intentions, while my roof stares down at me questioning when I’ll think for myself again.

I’m lost in candy cane paradise, where my dreams are real and there’s no turning back the night...

but I dream and dream like you, want to be something better than the world designed you, like destiny’s pitch was more than silhouettes made of you, and you can be who you aspire to, just don’t let the rainfall drown the roots that hold you. So hold on for dear life, so the sunshine can bring life to you, bring you out of the seasons that bind you, and when the time comes the world will fall in awe of the colors that make up you.

Lost in candy cane paradise, where self love is a lost cause and affirmations mean it all..