Confusion is strange,
Isn’t it?
One second
You’re sure of yourself,
Confidence bleeding through
Into every step.
The next, You’re hugging yourself,
Every insecurity highlighted,
Wanting to disappear
As everything you were sure of
Begins to unfocus.

Currently,
I’m trying to get back to
The first stage,
While drowning in the second.
Why didn’t you talk to me,
This Tuesday morning?
Why did you toss a bland
“Hello”
And walk away?

But now you acknowledge me?
When we’re forced to interact,
To share the same space?
Who told you to ignore me,
Who told you to stop?
Do you want to be around me,
Or has someone
Told you im too
Friendless
To leave?

I’m sitting alone,
Uncomfortable on this bench.
A painful ring in my right ear,
The sound of a fountain in my left.
I don’t know if I should come find you,
Or if I should just stay here,
The opposite of a burden
To you.
(For you are nothing of the sort to me.)
Because yesterday,
You were all that I had here.
And now?
It feels as though
I
Have
Nothing.

This world has broken me.
My heart has shattered,
Thrown down by
Neglect.
My soul has become
Ash,
Burned by the lies.

My empty shell now searches for life;
Someone who can piece together the
Shards
That cut when people get too close.
Ashes,
that sting
When blown the wrong way.
Who can erase scars
That everyone avoids,
Like they believe I’d given them to myself,
(Even if some I did)
And I’ll do the same to them.

But then again,
Who wants ugly?
Especially when
Thousands
Shine brighter.

So why?
Might I ask,
Would you choose the burden of holding me together,
Your light warding off
The pain
Scars leave behind.
Your gentle nature
Repairing the shards that are
My heart.
And though no one can unburn
What now floats away,
You gave me a soul-
One that only longs
For You.
(Hallelujah, is now the song I sing.)

I want you.
I want your pain,
Your scars,
Your tears,
Your anger,
Your sadness.
I want your smiles.
your laughter,
Your happiness
And your love.

I want you.

Give me you broken pieces;
I’ll do my best to mend them.
Give me your pain,
And I’ll do everything,
Within my power,
To bare it myself,
If no longer you’ll suffer.
Give me your doubt,
So I can take its weight,
From the wrongful place
Of your shoulders.
Let me set them on mine,
So you’ll always be
Strong.

This is what I think
Love
Is.
Not just accepting every flaw,
But needing to behold the sight
That someone so perfect,
So beautiful,
Bleeds the same as us born
Ordinary.
That someone so pure,
Is able to exist
With us,
In a broken world,
Of broken people.
We long to rid them,
of their pain and scars,
Only so they never
Stop
Glowing.
For they are our light.
The ones who keeps us going,
When our fire
Flickers
Out.

I feel lost.
People confidently walk beside me,
Laughing with people they know.
I don’t know where I am,
The person to my left,
or how i feel.
Lights are blinding me,
Screams draining my thoughts,
Darkness scattered across my path.

I recognize now I need Your light.
Fill me with it,
For without,
I am nothing
But merely
Empty.

I knew when the person to my right
Laid their hand on my shoulder,
my hand finding theirs.
I knew when we broke from the collective prayer,
A poetic,
Individual,
Rearrangement occurring
As I spoke to
You.
One that would only be heard
By my mind
And Your ears.

You led me to him,
Told me years ago,
"He is good."
Though it never registered in what way.
He is good,
Because he is Yours,
Your child,
Sent to be my friend.

For that I thank you,
Lord,
For without this boy who sat on my right,
I wouldn’t recognize
"I am lost"
In many more ways than I
Knew.

3 years.
That’s how long you were gone.
3 years,
I had no mother,
Though it still feels like I don’t.
You don’t know me.
My favorite color,
Or my best friend.
Don’t know the nights I cried,
Depression twisting truths
And spitting lies,

All while you were away.

3 years,
My father watched my grow,
Helped me learn,
And showed me love.

All while you were away.

Sometimes,
You were simply behind a door,
Typically locked,
But when open,
I wasn’t allowed in.

If you can repeat any word,
Or phrase
You said to me,
Those 3 years,
That weren’t
Manipulative
Or
Judgmental,
Maybe,
Though not likely,
I’d forgive you.
Forgive you for the
3 years
I locked myself away.

“You respect me!" You yelled,
But mother,
Respect isn’t given,
It’s earned.

Lies,
They plague this world.
They steal hearts,
Souls,
Lives,
Consuming the innocence of those around to hear.
But if someone told you,
Truth does all that and more,
Would you believe them?
I know I would,
I’ve seen it.
Seen attitudes change
Due to one word.
Seen my world flip
From one simple truth
That was no longer drowned by the lies.
A truth that came to then drown me,
But there you were that night.
I still feel the hot,
Sticky tears,
That rushed down my face
When I told you
“Don’t call me,”
But oh, did I desperately want to.
Later,
The pain got harder to bear.
Needles pierced my lungs,
Knives stabbing into my stomach,
While reality took it’s toll.
It was a truth a saw coming,
Like a tornado that I convince myself
Was standing still,
Though was heading straight towards me.
Something that should’ve been obvious,
But my naivety was blinding.
So in a panic,
I called.
Crying as I laid on that bed,
Perfectly centered in that room,
For the last time.
Cried to you as I explain,
And not only did you listen,
You comforted,
Soothed,
Helped,
And I will never forget the overwhelming urge
To scream
“I love you”
Over and over and over
Until my throat was raw
And the sound of my voice drowned the pain
That was tearing at me,
Shredding me
From the inside out.
Because some truths spoken
Can shatter your reality,
And destroy everything you know.
So like lies,
Truth always takes its toll.

I don’t love you.
Not the way they think I do.
I love the way you laugh at your own jokes,
The way your smile reaches your eyes,
But not in the way they think I would.
I love the way you rant when you’re excited,
When your brain creates thoughts into ideas
And ideas into “could be’s”
But I don’t love you.
Not in the way they say I do.
I don’t dream of wearing a white dress,
Standing by your side.
I dream of saying
“I love you,”
Without weirding you out.
Without someone freaking out
Because your a guy,
And I’m a girl,
And society says we won’t stay friends,
That we can only be more
Or nothing at all.

But I like being friends,
I don’t want anything more.
Not in the way they think I do.

I liked the way you hugged me,
But not for the reason they think.
I love the way you care,
But give me space instead of pressing.
You distract me from my pain,
My thoughts,
My worries.
And I welcome it,
But not the way they’d assume.

I love you,
But not the way they think I do.

“I’m trying,”
I whimper to you,
Tears streaming down my face.
They collect on my chin,
Dripping into my hands.
“I know,”
You’ll always reassure me,
Gentle,
Calm,
Attempting to stop my panicked breaths
With your voice.
All the moments when the flames consume me,
Or the ocean learns I cannot swim,
You’re my anchor.
My safety.
“You’re trying more than enough.”

I pretend to melt,
To ease into those words,
Because when not burning or drowning,
I savor them.
I savor when you call me perfect and gorgeous,
Because I don’t know when I will hear it again.
I pretend not to hurt,
Because I need to hear you say those things,
Selfish as it may sound.
But the flames are consuming all of me,
Water filling my lungs.
So
“I’m trying,”
Is what I tell you,
And oh,
I wish it were enough.

Blue clouds my vision,
Like some would see red.
I watch you,
Laughing,
Playing with friends,
Some yours as well as mine.
I don’t participate,
Being considered
Awful
At the game.
Left out, I sit here,
While people rotate through,
Waiting for someone to notice
Me.

I see blue;
The color of
Lose
And
Anger
It makes my vision blur,
Glossy eyes avoiding yours,
Because you don’t want them to know,
Even if it kills me.

I want to be held,
But I’d be the one
Wrapping my arms around you,
If it’d mean,
I could breathe you in,
Just once more,
Uncertain of when
Our eyes would again meet,
An uncontrollable smile,
Tugging at my lips
Calm pulling me under its shelter,
Safe in your presence.

And if then should the world be burning,
I wouldn't care.
The flames could take all of me,
So long as they didn’t touch you
Nor waver your smile.
The one I tell you is beautiful,
Though you disagree.
The one I’ll forever long to admire.
But for now I’ll daydream,
Your hand holding mine,
“When again shall I see your face?”