It was only by loving you that I could love myself.

I never meant to hurt you.

You wear that mask so well
I can't tell if I did.

I choose to think you're oblivious.

After all, you don't know
You don't know anything at all.

I love you.

I wish I didn't

I'm moving away soon so why
Why even try

We'd have a month at best

It's unfair

I don't want to love you

You don't love me.

I know you don't.

I see it in your eyes.

I just want to kiss you,
One last time.

I want to see you smile again.

I almost want to apologise for my lack of writing.

I go for months, years.

I try to be healthy,
To change my poetry into something

"Productive."

I always come back.

Something about it,
Being honest with myself.

No, I'm not okay.

For that brief time,
Where I am creative,
Happy,

Allowed to be whoever I am.

Before I pretend that this moment
Never existed.

Before I pretend I'm okay again.

Anything is better than being alone.

Maybe
I could stop caring about others.

Because
I begin to hate myself.

To lose myself.

So very ******* poetic.

But with you, I want to die.

Without you, I already am.

I wish I had some meaning

In this meaningless world.

I chose life.

I could have gone,
Peacefully,
In my own time.

A choice.

Life or death.

To continue to suffer,
To fight.

To sleep in peace,
To end.

It was the hardest decision of my life,
But the most natural too.

Out of spite,
Out of fear,
Out of love.

Call it what you will.

The night
Is cold
And long.

I cannot
Think.

I want to
Be loved.

But I
Will die
Here.

Cold
Alone
Forgotten

As it
Should be

The pain
Makes
My existence
Fade.

Scattered thoughts.

I love you.

I love how some people
Can articulate their thoughts so clearly.

They can say so little
And amount to so much.

I know I should stop
Comparing myself to them.

They have meaning.

My mind's a mess.

But I guess I have to come to terms with it.

It doesn't have to be so bad.

I don't always have to be waiting for someone to save me.

I don't know why this is bugging me so much.

Maybe it's the fact
That I have to be so
Vulnerable.

I don't even have to talk about myself that much.

So why am I
So Scared?

It's just a silly little essay.

I don't want anyone to know.

That I'm not okay.

Because
I
Will
Be.

I just need a little more time.

Hurting.

It's been a while, hasn't it?

I don't know if what I've been doing is "healing",

But one can hope.

I met a raven today,
In brief passing
Of artistic elements.

He saw the chaos in my life,
And I saw the chaos in his.

This moment
Made beautiful by time,
In the museums of the moon.

My mother, in the corner.
Crying.

No longer complaining,
But wondering why.

Recently, I've had more panic attacks.
Because, suddenly, everything matters.

Now more than ever.

And I can't amount to anything.

They say that honesty is the best policy, but
Is it really?

When the truth could hurt the ones you love most?

And lies are no better,
Covering up the truth
Just to save others.

It eats away at you.

And it makes me wonder,
Is there enough space

Between heaven
And hell

For people like us?

Because life has never been
About black or white.

Or grey.

Or pink
Or blue
Or red
Or green
Or yellow.

Although black has a tendency
To show up more amongst the crowd.

Life has never been about anything.

Life is nothing at all.

And it makes me wonder...

The truth is,
I regret every decision I make.

I worry over nothing
And everything.

My mind is overflowing
Constant fear and paranoia

I want to be included,
But I don't want

I don't want.

I don't


I don't want to be a burden.
I don't want to be annoying.

I don't want to be weird,
Or cringy
Or awkward.

I don't want to be alone.

I don't want to die.

It's been a while, hasn't it?

I sometimes wonder
If you remember me at all,
Beneath your stressful days
And endless nights.

Do you remember me?

I have hidden here,
Waiting
Just for you.

Because I am you.

You are not the girl I used to know,
Not the one you used to be.
But that's okay,
I have changed too.

Have we both grown by leaps and bounds?

I wish you all the best,
But please
I beg of you.

Do not forsake me.

I don't exist.

I shouldn't have done that.

Things didn't go to plan.

And I keep thinking of you.

First, the tears.

They build up and up and up,
Never falling, not just yet.

You stop breathing.

You start gasping for air,
The poison in your lungs, your head,
Making your head spin in all directions.

And, if you try to stop,
You end up making it worse.

Calm down.
Breathe.

But in order to calm down you must write,
And to write you must calm down,
The entire paradox
Sending your head swirling.

Vision blurry,
You stop thinking clearly,
Less clear than before.

The world a huge kaleidoscope
Of sadness.

Every attempt to find what you lost
More desperate,
More unrealistic
Than the last.

Each rejection,
Each nonexistence
A greater blow
Than the last.

And suddenly,
You
Can't
Breathe
At All.

And you're crying yourself to sleep,
Trying to make up for what was lost,
To make amends.

But you know,
Deep down
You'll never be okay with it.

That loss defines you.

It's all a vicious cycle with you,
This family never seems to be enough.

All the grief you left unsaid,
All the love for the stillborn child.

No amount of sorrow,
Of anger, hate, or resentment

Will bring your beloved rose back.

I blame myself,
Knowing I may have taken some part of it,

But never for this.

You need no help in tearing us apart,
She has already done this to you.

And you are blind to what's in front of you.

I want to be real.

I want my words to feel real to someone.

I want to grasp at a little permanence,
In this small, unforgiving,
Impermanent little life.

I want my future self to be able to look back,
Intelligent and successful.

I want to be happy now, even.

If I can.

Sometimes I wish I could just disappear.

It seems I've been thinking that a lot more, nowadays.

It's feels like the darkness, whatever it is, has taken over,
And I can't even be bothered to breathe.

To fight through the pain anymore.

I don't know if I do have depression,
I've self-diagnosed far too many times.

I could be normal.

I hope so.

I want this to just be a phase,
Never anything more than a blip.

Who knows?

Bound over a long distance,
The conversation dwindles down,
Until the idle chatter of the text
No longer makes much sense,
Neither one wanting to leave,
Neither saying goodbye.

Only, in this moment,
Could each person know the other,
Their deepest secrets and denied emotion.

In my hands,
I hold a long chain of silver,
Folded over itself a million times.

It shines in the light,
Like the millions of stars
Shining in a clear night sky.

The chain is long and hardy,
Not once bending or breaking
As the other pieces move.

Only us three remain,
Each trying to guide one to the other,
Until, finally, it snaps.

So, I take another piece,
This time in gold,
And try again.

I feel I have lost my voice.

As much as I want to deny it,
That emptiness still remains,
Both heart and mind broken,

Into a million tiny pieces.

I've been empty for quite some time,
As if my lungs refuse to breathe,
And my voice refuses to speak.

Is this goodbye?

I've had my fill of heartache and loss,
Of broken dreams and lost souls,
And plenty of useless days.

I'm sorry, in advance.

I don't think I'll ever be able to say
What anyone wants to hear.
That I'll keep trying to live.

I'm so tired of it all.

Of having to do the same thing,
Day in, day out,
No change whatsoever.

It feels as if
Every month
Keeps getting longer and longer,
Never bothering to end.

"Time is the enemy of us all", they say,
And it couldn't hold more true
Than this moment right now.

Every second lasts a decade,
And every moment, an eternity.

I want my life to change,
So maybe I'll just end it.

Have you ever noticed
The way that gentle touching
Of keys on a keyboard
Sound so much
Like the pitter-patter
Of rain,
And how
A single written word
Can have as many
Endless meanings
As there are
Drops of water
In the sea?

Last night I dreamed of you,
Though by now, you're long gone.

I know we could never happen,
Never in a million years.

You loved another,
And I foolishly thought...

But for a moment,
I was with you in my dreams,

With your touch so tender
And your kiss so sweet.

It brought back the ghosts of my love,
My sad, pitiful, stupid love.

And, though in waking I'd forgotten,
For a moment you were mine.

Why do I want you
To see these cuts on my wrists,

Even though you pushed me to this point?

Why do I want you
To know what I've done,

Even though you never understand it?

Why do I want you
To explain why you hate me,

Even though you never change?

Because, actually,
I want hide away from you.

I never want to see your face,
Not after how you broke my family.

Not after you killed all the love,
And just let the word "family" fade away.

Where did my father go?

Who was kind and compassionate,
Who made his child feel loved?

Who is this standing in front of me,
Berating me over the smallest of things?

Where did you go, dad?

Who can save me from my tears,
Now that you are gone?

Why are you like this,
Screaming at your child while she cries?

When did you fade away entirely?

And, why, please tell me why,
Do I wish you'd be gone for good?

Anything seems better than this,
Because I know I've lost you already.

I have loved you.

I have died for you,
Time and time again.

So much death,
All to satisfy your appetite.

With every death I become weaker,
Each new life further tinged with regret.

I remember the last one,
When I was so much wiser than I am now.

Because, truly,
I'm just a child,

Who knows nothing of what's to come,
Of nothing that it will grow to be.

No idea of the demons,
No idea of you.

Every time I step away,
I start a new life, away from you.

As I grow older, I become younger,
More naive and closed to the world.

You never knew me at my best,
But you have seen me at my worst.

And before she knew it,
Her family was broken.

Her father, tired from working,
Dark shadows draining his face.

Sticking with her mother,
Only because he loved her.

Although the girl was beginning to doubt
That what they called love wasn't love at all,

But a means to an end,
A way to maintain a broken family.

The mother, always weary,
Desperately clinging to hope.

The hope that, for long enough,
She has known to be false.

They both at their daughter,
The old scars still there.

They realize their dreams through her,
Seeing a broken illusion of success.

They stare at her with those pleading eyes,
Refusing to see that she is beginning to crack.

Even now, one needs to go through hell
For even the slightest social interaction.

Guess that's why it's called "hello".

But it's just some spell,
I'm sure of it.

It's not like I face this every day.

No, indeed,
I am DEFINITELY

Not falling to pieces as we speak.

"I'm fine."

Because, seeing your face...
I remember all the god times,

Not wonder what I did wrong,
What we did wrong.

I swear to you,
I HONESTLY couldn't care less.

You don't love Me,
You never did.

"I don't love you," either.

Why should I?

Why should I cry over You,
Every Night and Every Day?

Why can't I just learn to be...

I've been looking through my memories,
Trying to recover that tenderness
That was somehow stolen from me.

All my life I've been a saint,
You'll think I'm lying.
Of course I am.

In reality, I'm a demon.
No-one has ever been able to look at me
And tell me otherwise.

So where did that love go?
In a hundred years, even a thousand,
Would anything ever change?

So, I ask of you,
Of anyone willing to hear;
Should I keep on searching?

For a while now,
I've been thinking
Of what is to come.

I haven't been scared.

I can now say that
I accept my death,
That I will die.

But is that a good thing?

I have sacrificed
In order to live,
In order to die.

Should I be afraid?

For a while now, I've known.
My body growing sicker
With each passing day.

My mind dying with it.

I have already faced
The problems of age,
Even when I already know

That they've just begun.

My final question;
When I take my last breath,
When I am thrown into the ground,

Will you still remember me?

Why does it always have to be my fault?

Is that horrible silence
The only part of you that I can remember?

I tried, but...
I don't think it's for the best.

Staying with you-
All I ever wanted.

You gave me everything.
But it was all a lie.

I told you I loved you.
You never did the same.

Every day, every night.
I thought about you.

That we loved each other,
That we could be together.

I truly believed.
For a few, short moments.

I pour my heart and soul out,
Into you

My one and only guiding light,
My hopes and dreams residing.

Here, I suppose,
I am no longer bound.

Or at least, it was a fantasy,
One which I'd hoped you'd fulfill.

I needed you, then.

I poured my heart and soul out,
Hoping you'd accept

All the little flaws I kept hidden,
The scars that would never heal.

But you weren't capable.

Who could love the parts of me
That I can't even begin to accept?

So, I suppose...

You were just another one
Of those countless knives

That cut me down to my core.

That killed the fragile, dying ember inside of me.

Explosive rage,
Uncontrollable anger.

Directed at you,
Or just myself?

I hate you,
Always putting me down.

I hate myself,
Constantly craving your approval.

Your love,
Which I seldom receive.

I hate the part of me
That begs for forgiveness,

The part of me
That will always just be human.

Nothing more,
Nothing more.

Tears run down my face.
I cry, hidden in my room.

Am I just being
Melodramatic?

You scream at me,
I am never good enough.

I already know.
Can't you see that?

The bitter moment of silence,
Long enough to last a lifetime.

For days, I refuse to speak.
Until I learn to love the human part of me.

Once again.

I want to sleep.

But I don't know if I remember how.

Why am I doing this anymore?

In a time of change,
Of never-ending pain,
Why do I still call you?

Why do I let you listen
To stress work gives me,
To the worries I have about my future?

I don't think
I'd call it love.

But I think
It's more than a friendship.

I love you, I do...

But I know you don't. Not in that way.

Because you see fragments,
Small pieces of nothing.

And I can only see the world,
Destroyed with a single touch.

I'm sorry.

Tonight, my thoughts
Are so clouded
And stormy
That I can't see the lighthouse,
The way out of the storm.

I suppose it turned out for the best.

After all that I've done,
It seems fitting that I'd wind up here.

It's a good thing I was never enough.

I failed you, my darling,
And I failed myself 100 times over.

I never made it, not by a mile.

I always wanted to do more with my life,
Beyond the average, what was expected.

But I even failed at that.

So now, I plan around failure,
My world never focusing on success.

I haven't learned anything, beyond that of lying.

I am so good at it, I can deceive my own heart,
Believing that my failure is okay.

Even though I know it's not.

It seems that, for the longest time,
I could never write.

My mind can be full at times,
Full of beautifully poetic words.

But nowadays, I can't think
In the form of verses and stanzas.

I have tried so hard to turn this
Mess of madness into some form of beauty,

That I began to lose track
Of when beauty faded to madness,

So much so
That it started to consume me,

Wearing away
At my very soul.

Someone once told me,
"We act for one of two reasons;

For fear of losing something,
Or for love of gaining."

With all the greed I saw in the world,
I found it impossible to argue back.

So now I sit here,
And I wonder

What am I doing here?
Why am I like this?

I find these answers impossible,
But I have some theories.

I am mostly a fragile being,
Terrified of life and its trials.

Every thought of mine a reflection of that,
Who could ever argue?

Where wishes are made
To be more popular, more pretty,
All manner of desirable things.

A tradition
Created by adolescents,
In a need to fulfill their dreams.

Quick to believe open lies,
Always eager to believe
Your empty, fragile promises.

1:11, this vision fades,
A mere 2 hours
Is all it takes.

One begins to realize
The emptiness of dreams
In the presence of the nightmare.

The nightmare,
Which is always there,
Residing in the darkness at the back of the mind.

This was me, long ago.
Now I reside in a deeper, darker time,
In the world of 2:22.

I live in a world unlike any other,
Where ghouls and ghosts
Constantly live.

And traumatize these nights.

Humans and demons,
Fighting for life.

That is all we are.

No angels here,
No good act truly pure.

We are all evil, in our own way.

A refusal to trust, a refusal to love,
All our impurities shown at the end.

For death, yes, she is the only pure one here.

Cleaning up humanity's messes,
Ending grieving souls' suffering.

The last hope for the cruel people that we are.

Perhaps she is not innocent, nor is she fair,
But who, if anyone, could do better?

I can't even tell if I'm human anymore.

I disappointed everyone again,
So what's different this time around?

My little box filled to the brim,
My hidden secrets and emotions bubbling out.

What's different this time?
Why has the darkness continued to grow?

The thing is,
I'm falling to pieces.

And I know it, too.
But I can't stop it.

Nobody can.

So where will my words go this time?
Whose hearts will I destroy with my dark thoughts?

My friends, my family,
Everyone I love...

Gone in the blink of an eye,
Because I failed yet again.

So let's celebrate my achievements,
We'll surely be depressed.

I'm not like my friends,
I can't be as pretty and peppy as them.

I'm not like my mother;
She can make love last a lifetime.

I can't be my father,
Loyal and loving and providing.

I'm not who you thought I was,
Not in a million years.

I'm the one who's thoughts cut deep,
Even deeper than the knife I wield.

I seem to get lost in my head,
Anxiety and panic attacks every time I think.

I'm the one you should be afraid of,
Don't try to come close and comfort me.

My thoughts won't remain hidden,
My mask won't fit any more.

So if you come close,
You'll see me.

And you'll never be able to forget.

If there is one thing I can say,
It's that, over the years, I have learned.

Mainly, I know
That what I think

And what I write
Aren't always the same.

My hands have a mind of their own,
My fingertips play with the keys.

So many keys,
Which have so many letters on them.

My mind screams for happiness,
A lie I have always told,

Jumbling in a huge mess,
While my hands play on.

Maybe I have a plan,
But it doesn't seem it to me.

While my mind begs for happiness,
My hands record my darkness.

Sometimes, I wonder,
Am I trapped inside my own head?

Refusing to believe the written on the page,
I just make up my own.

Is this what constitutes insanity?
Or is it my own lack of ability,

My refusal to see the light,
Even in the brightest of days?

My own thoughts like flies,
Drawn to the stench of my rotting mind?

Is this my own choice, my own fate?
Because it sure as hell doesn't feel like it.

I hate living
In this endless,
Cyclical world.

It tires me...

The constant abuse
Of inspiration,
Loved ones...

It's all monotone.

Still, my breath hitches
In that split second
Before the metal hits my skin.

I cry out for help, no one's there.

I wish I could cry,
But It's all the same.
Always has been, to me.

My life lacks colour.