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No one Oct 2018
Where wishes are made
To be more popular, more pretty,
All manner of desirable things.

A tradition
Created by adolescents,
In a need to fulfill their dreams.

Quick to believe open lies,
Always eager to believe
Your empty, fragile promises.

1:11, this vision fades,
A mere 2 hours
Is all it takes.

One begins to realize
The emptiness of dreams
In the presence of the nightmare.

The nightmare,
Which is always there,
Residing in the darkness at the back of the mind.

This was me, long ago.
Now I reside in a deeper, darker time,
In the world of 2:22.

I live in a world unlike any other,
Where ghouls and ghosts
Constantly live.

And traumatize these nights.
Just some random, late-night thoughts.
No one Aug 2018
I can't write,
Not at all.
All I can do is read.

But isn't that what we all do?

We don't write stories,
But instead
Read the words,

In the form of our people.

That mad feeling,
Writing all that we read,
For fear of being the only ones who see.

To see if others know what we see.

But the question is,
Do you see this?
What I see, what I read?

Or am I just going crazy...?

Being the only one
Who is trapped
In this mind full of storms.
Does this even make sense to you? I can't even tell anymore.
No one Aug 2018
Halfway through the book already,
Fallen deeper into the rabbit-hole.

All the beauty fades away,
An empty husk of what it once was.

I let the words swallow me,
Engulfing me into the darkest depths of despair.

No name, no date,
My life forever an unknown.

It's cold down here,
Dark and silent.

I froze to death,
As I saw your cold heart.
I am the night, you are the abyss.
No one Sep 2018
You forgot,
I know.

I just wish-
Just once-
You wouldn't.

I no longer
Want to be left behind
To eat your dust.

It's not your fault,
I guess.
It's probably mine.

I build things up
In my head,
An unshakable vision.

I create what I want.
Not what
Everybody else sees.
And, once again, my hopes are dashed... replaced with such an empty feeling.
No one Aug 2018
With hands as cold as ice,
She drifts in and out
From the shadows of existence.

Her life created
By another's misery,
She already seems dead.

Turned to dust,
She is but a hollow shell,
Alone and scared.

And every day,
You try to fix her,
To put the pieces back together.

But she just gets worse,
Until all you can do
Is watch her fall apart.
So now, she cries alone.
No one May 2018
Shivering in the cold,
Rocking back and forth.
Knowing you won't come.

I've gotten used to this;
The darkness in my vision,
The sounds in my head.

The sleepless nights
And existential crises
Are now my friends.

This manic destruction
Is the only comfort
I could ever have.

Really, I get it.
Nobody wants to be here,
Not even you.

And that's okay.
I'll always have myself.
No one Dec 2018
Is that horrible silence
The only part of you that I can remember?

I tried, but...
I don't think it's for the best.

Staying with you-
All I ever wanted.

You gave me everything.
But it was all a lie.

I told you I loved you.
You never did the same.

Every day, every night.
I thought about you.

That we loved each other,
That we could be together.

I truly believed.
For a few, short moments.
No one Jul 2018
Did I do something wrong,
Other than being born?
Why isn't anyone here to celebrate?

Another birthday.
Another time where
I blow out the sad little candles.

No cake,
No presents,
No people.

I'm just left alone, sitting in the dark.

12 years,
13, 14, 15, 16,
All the way until 21.

I've come to expect very little from people.

I'm left waiting,
Sitting alone in the dark.
Craving the smallest human interaction.

Happy Birthday to me, indeed.
In honor of an old friend, whiskey.
No one Sep 2018
I see a girl,
Fragile and scared.

She wears long sleeves
To cover up her long history
Of scars.

She already seems broken,

She want to hide it.
To show she's strong,
Even when she isn't.

She puts on makeup,
Must have cost a fortune.

She likes it.
She "doesn't care" when
She wears all black.

And no-one comes near enough
To see the cracks along her face.
No one will see how scared she is...
No one Jan 23
Why do I want you
To see these cuts on my wrists,

Even though you pushed me to this point?

Why do I want you
To know what I've done,

Even though you never understand it?

Why do I want you
To explain why you hate me,

Even though you never change?

Because, actually,
I want hide away from you.

I never want to see your face,
Not after how you broke my family.

Not after you killed all the love,
And just let the word "family" fade away.
My head's in a mess, all because of you.
No one Dec 2018
I pour my heart and soul out,
Into you

My one and only guiding light,
My hopes and dreams residing.

Here, I suppose,
I am no longer bound.

Or at least, it was a fantasy,
One which I'd hoped you'd fulfill.

I needed you, then.

I poured my heart and soul out,
Hoping you'd accept

All the little flaws I kept hidden,
The scars that would never heal.

But you weren't capable.

Who could love the parts of me
That I can't even begin to accept?

So, I suppose...

You were just another one
Of those countless knives

That cut me down to my core.

That killed the fragile, dying ember inside of me.
And it's all my fault. I let you get hurt in the process.
No one Jun 2018
Nothing can satisfy my hunger
For human suffering;
Not even me.

So once again,
I break myself down,
Hoping to feel

To remind me of my humanity.

Or lack thereof.
Pain is the only comfort I know.
No one Aug 2018
On the mend,
I am growing.
Healing, little by little.

Then - a sudden break.
Once again, I am covered in blood,
But this time it's not mine.

It's yours, my darling.

Oh, what have I done?
I don't want to break you. I'm sorry.
No one Jun 2018
She was glass,
And he was stone.

He destroyed her with a touch.

Shattered into
A million pieces,

Like the stars seen in the sky.

He tried to put her
Back together,

But he made the damage worse.

Now he's left
Wondering why

He's the one left with the scars.
She's now found a new lover, while he suffers alone in the dark.
No one Sep 2018
The stark contrast
Of black and blue.

Constantly waiting for the chorus,
The encore, the silence.

Words mix together;
I cannot see.

Madness encircling me,
I am left blind as the tempo builds up.

Noises form a symphony,
A bitter cacophony of pain.

Where there is silence,
There is noise.

Shattering me to my core,
Rattling in my bones.

Until, once again,
I become silent.
Sometimes I cannot hear over the sound of my screams.
No one Jul 2018
A long journey home,
Trapped in the backseat.
A padded room.

I open my eyes.
And for a moment,
Everything is in blue.

The world shakes,
Distorts. Reality is thrown
Into various shades.

And suddenly,
You're splashing your face.
Wondering if what you saw was truly real.

I try to escape this realm,
Throw my heart into another.
But I never see it again.

I am forever trapped in this mind.
I pray everyday that I am not as crazy as I think I am.
No one Jul 2018
Someone once asked me
If I was afraid of the dark.
No, I replied.

The dark is not my enemy.
She is my friend,
And has always been there.

The light is fleeting,
Leaving one blinded
In its wake.

But the dark remains,
Slowly creeping,
Embracing the mind.

Regardless of past.
Of horrible thoughts,
And heavy emotions.

She comforts me
In solitude,
And has never left me since.
The dark is nothing more than a reflection of your mind.
No one Aug 2018
I keep on saying "light",
Even though I feel
So dark inside.

Feverishly writing,
To stop them becoming actions.

I don't know why I'm like this.

They say that
A human being
Is both dark and light.

Why we always feel conflict.
I don't understand, though,
Because all I see is the dark.
I don't know how to regain my humanity, if I had it in the first place.
No one Oct 2018
Humans and demons,
Fighting for life.

That is all we are.

No angels here,
No good act truly pure.

We are all evil, in our own way.

A refusal to trust, a refusal to love,
All our impurities shown at the end.

For death, yes, she is the only pure one here.

Cleaning up humanity's messes,
Ending grieving souls' suffering.

The last hope for the cruel people that we are.

Perhaps she is not innocent, nor is she fair,
But who, if anyone, could do better?
And once again I am left facing the worst parts of myself.
No one Jun 2018
I am not
A happy person,
Not even close.

Seems to be a fitting name.

You only saw
The surface.

Where "darkness"
Was fun.

But you didn't see the real depths of my soul.


The things I see,
The visions at night
Are all too real to me.

The slashes on my arms,
The blood on my skin,
They are there too.

And even now, it still hurts.

Because I am still
"That goth kid",
Only much older.
Not like you would understand.
No one Jan 22
I have loved you.

I have died for you,
Time and time again.

So much death,
All to satisfy your appetite.

With every death I become weaker,
Each new life further tinged with regret.

I remember the last one,
When I was so much wiser than I am now.

Because, truly,
I'm just a child,

Who knows nothing of what's to come,
Of nothing that it will grow to be.

No idea of the demons,
No idea of you.

Every time I step away,
I start a new life, away from you.

As I grow older, I become younger,
More naive and closed to the world.

You never knew me at my best,
But you have seen me at my worst.
So, again, I will try to walk away from you. This time, for sure.
No one Aug 2018
I painted a canvas,
In words, dark and grey.

Overlapping, in many shades,
They covered the whole thing.

I never once thought that the painting
Was dark and dreary, like all others.

For the words were great,
Beautifully written.

So happy in their meaning,
Even though the execution was bad.

Over time,
The words grew.

I watered them with my tears,
And fed them my smiles.

And when I looked,
I saw...

The painting was my portrait,
Down into the depths of my mind.
I might seem dark, but I want to be happy. I just don't know how.
No one May 2018
Don't say you love me,
I could never forgive you if you did.

You deserve a better life
Than the one I could give you.

I'm not someone you want to love,
Because I am SO far from perfect.

And you are.

So don't love me.
Don't even try.

I could never forgive myself
If I ruined you, too.
You're all that I  have left.
No one Jul 2018
My life closed shut,
Never to be open again.

I faded away,

That I had chosen clarity of mind
Over clarity of vision.

Even if they both intertwine.

I freed myself,
And can soar high above.

And far away.
The peace you receive when you write.
No one Aug 2018
In the grand scheme of things,
It doesn't really matter.

Whether I get into college,
Or get a job,
Or become really rich.

Even if I am poor,
And a failure,
And end up homeless.

It's all the same.

Either way, I will be a speck,
A little piece
In an ever-changing universe.

Whatever I do,
It won't matter.
I will still die.

But all we seem to do
Is **** ourselves.

We work our lives away,
Just to gain
That one momentary pleasure.

So yeah, I don't want to work for a living.
Or get married,
Or have kids.

It doesn't matter, after all.

Of course, I might care,
At least for a little bit,
If I could live.

To choose a path
Whose reward
Is a longer life.

But only for a little.
Because it must be ****
To live forever.

To constantly watch everyone else die,
Or live forever with everyone you hate.
Take your pick, it's all the same.

Life itself is ****,
Death is ****,
And anything in between is meaningless.

It truly is.

What I'm trying to say, is...
We all want to die,
But we all want to live.
A little morbid, perhaps, but it's the truth, isn't it?
No one Jul 2018
For once, I am silent.
I have lost the words
To describe how I feel.

Maybe that's because
Once, just once,
I feel something other than pain.

With you by my side,
Listening to my lies,
I begin to think...

Maybe I could tell you the truth,
To see how you'd feel
About the perfect girl who's no longer perfect.

I want to cry in your arms,
To hear you say
"It's going to be okay."

That I'll get over
The endless cycle.
Constant death, never-ending.

Until I remembered,
I had lost you, too.
You weren't mine.

I tried to reach out
To touch you.
See you one last time.

But you just faded away, like a memory in a photograph.
For one ****** second, I'd actually felt happy.
No one Nov 2018
I suppose it turned out for the best.

After all that I've done,
It seems fitting that I'd wind up here.

It's a good thing I was never enough.

I failed you, my darling,
And I failed myself 100 times over.

I never made it, not by a mile.

I always wanted to do more with my life,
Beyond the average, what was expected.

But I even failed at that.

So now, I plan around failure,
My world never focusing on success.

I haven't learned anything, beyond that of lying.

I am so good at it, I can deceive my own heart,
Believing that my failure is okay.

Even though I know it's not.
Sometimes, I feel so small and insignificant in this big, wide world.
No one Nov 2018
Explosive rage,
Uncontrollable anger.

Directed at you,
Or just myself?

I hate you,
Always putting me down.

I hate myself,
Constantly craving your approval.

Your love,
Which I seldom receive.

I hate the part of me
That begs for forgiveness,

The part of me
That will always just be human.

Nothing more,
Nothing more.

Tears run down my face.
I cry, hidden in my room.

Am I just being

You scream at me,
I am never good enough.

I already know.
Can't you see that?

The bitter moment of silence,
Long enough to last a lifetime.

For days, I refuse to speak.
Until I learn to love the human part of me.

Once again.
Why must you hate me so?
No one Oct 2018
I can't even tell if I'm human anymore.
No one Jun 2018
Once again going under,
Visiting that cold, dark palace
Where dreams seemingly come true.

Each time I visit
I become weaker,
But am still unable to leave.

That is, until
I cannot handle the pain
And my body fights it.

A continuous struggle,
A never-ending cycle.

Even so, this is far better
Than what awaits me
On the other side.

Because there is commotion,
And pain, and sharp clarity.

And I do not want to bring
This awful life
Into any deeper focus.
No one Jul 2018
A loss,
We knew
For a long time.

Two cynics,
Sitting at the table.
And another, religious.

A long time coming,
We knew,
Yet the other prays to god.

She cries at her loss,
Refusing to believe it.
All her hope, abandoned.

The other two sit at the table,
Laughing while everything
Is taken away.

The woman's demons overpower her,
And her god is no longer here to help.
She is swallowed by darkness.

The demons return to the table,
Wipe off the blood,
And resume their manic laughter.
My dark thoughts are not only my burden, but a curse to everyone else.
No one Jan 16
And before she knew it,
Her family was broken.

Her father, tired from working,
Dark shadows draining his face.

Sticking with her mother,
Only because he loved her.

Although the girl was beginning to doubt
That what they called love wasn't love at all,

But a means to an end,
A way to maintain a broken family.

The mother, always weary,
Desperately clinging to hope.

The hope that, for long enough,
She has known to be false.

They both at their daughter,
The old scars still there.

They realize their dreams through her,
Seeing a broken illusion of success.

They stare at her with those pleading eyes,
Refusing to see that she is beginning to *****.
Please don't do this to me. I can't take it anymore.
No one Jul 2018
Peace can be found in anger,
But only for a fleeting moment,
Before it is consumed by guilt.

We then become dependent on it,
The pain we feel,
Regardless of whether it was deserved.

The human moral compass,
Always such a hypocrite,
Twisting the mind so it always blames itself.

The burning of possessions,
Old and cherished,
Only reinforces the fact that we are alone.

But should we be forced to suffer
At the hands of the ignorant,
The jealous, the thieves?

But I still share the blame.
Not because of my actions,
But lack thereof.

Should I still be condemmed
For my refusal to act
Against everything that tears my life apart?

I still have these bruises,
And they were caused by you.
Will I get the chance to heal before it happens again?
No one Jul 2018
Even now,
I don't know who I am.
Who I want to be.

I am afraid to look at myself
In the mirror,
And find a monster staring back.

I always seem to find that shadow,
Even on the most calm,
Sunny days.

I end up crying alone,
In the dark,
Hoping for sleep to come.

Although it never does.

I want to be good enough
To not need to pretend
That I can find "the one".

Because they don't exist.
And I know that.
But I still cling to that hope.

One of these days,
I hope I can learn
To love myself.
I am healing, slowly but surely.
No one Jan 6
Even now, one needs to go through ****
For even the slightest social interaction.

Guess that's why it's called "hello".

But it's just some spell,
I'm sure of it.

It's not like I face this every day.

No, indeed,

Not falling to pieces as we speak.

"I'm fine."

Because, seeing your face...
I remember all the god times,

Not wonder what I did wrong,
What we did wrong.

I swear to you,
I HONESTLY couldn't care less.

You don't love Me,
You never did.

"I don't love you," either.

Why should I?

Why should I cry over You,
Every Night and Every Day?

Why can't I just learn to be...
No one Aug 2018
I loved you.
I really did.

I loved the way your smile
Would light up your eyes.

The way your jokes
Would always make me laugh.

I wanted to be yours,
And you, mine.

But eventually,
I moved on.

I kept telling myself
That it was a ******, silly crush.

A summer of regrets,
Constantly relived memories.

Eventually,  I learned to be
The third wheel.

To be friendly when talked to,
Quiet and unnoticeable the rest of the time.

Soon, I will fade away entirely.
My mind is already halfway there.

I don't know why I felt anything for you,
Because I knew it couldn't work out from the start.

So, whoever that special someone is,
I hope she isn't as ****** as I am.
I just hope, one day, I cans see you again and tell you how I feel.
No one Apr 8
I feel I have lost my voice.

As much as I want to deny it,
That emptiness still remains,
Both heart and mind broken,

Into a million tiny pieces.

I've been empty for quite some time,
As if my lungs refuse to breathe,
And my voice refuses to speak.

Is this goodbye?

I've had my fill of heartache and loss,
Of broken dreams and lost souls,
And plenty of useless days.

I'm sorry, in advance.

I don't think I'll ever be able to say
What anyone wants to hear.
That I'll keep trying to live.
What good is a voice if it constantly refuses to speak?
No one 6d
In my hands,
I hold a long chain of silver,
Folded over itself a million times.

It shines in the light,
Like the millions of stars
Shining in a clear night sky.

The chain is long and hardy,
Not once bending or breaking
As the other pieces move.

Only us three remain,
Each trying to guide one to the other,
Until, finally, it snaps.

So, I take another piece,
This time in gold,
And try again.
The others look on, wondering how much time we have left.
No one Nov 2018
I want to sleep.

But I don't know if I remember how.
I have spent so many nights lying in bed, wondering...
No one Oct 2018
So let's celebrate my achievements,
We'll surely be depressed.

I'm not like my friends,
I can't be as pretty and peppy as them.

I'm not like my mother;
She can make love last a lifetime.

I can't be my father,
Loyal and loving and providing.

I'm not who you thought I was,
Not in a million years.

I'm the one who's thoughts cut deep,
Even deeper than the knife I wield.

I seem to get lost in my head,
Anxiety and panic attacks every time I think.

I'm the one you should be afraid of,
Don't try to come close and comfort me.

My thoughts won't remain hidden,
My mask won't fit any more.

So if you come close,
You'll see me.

And you'll never be able to forget.
I'm the true danger here.
No one Feb 23
Have you ever noticed
The way that gentle touching
Of keys on a keyboard
Sound so much
Like the pitter-patter
Of rain,
And how
A single written word
Can have as many
Endless meanings
As there are
Drops of water
In the sea?
No one May 2018
Little Girl
Staring in the mirror,
Brushing her hair.

Little Girl
Hiding her secrets,
Living in fear.

Little Girl
Bringing ruin to her life,
Addicted to that sadness.

Little Girl.
You've ****** up again.

Little Girl
Hiding those tears,
Pretending everything's okay.

Pretending you're okay.

But you're not.

You still slice those wrists,
You still refuse to eat.

Because we both know
There's no point in living
If that life is already broken.
Sometimes, life can be so hard.
No one Nov 2018
It seems that, for the longest time,
I could never write.

My mind can be full at times,
Full of beautifully poetic words.

But nowadays, I can't think
In the form of verses and stanzas.

I have tried so hard to turn this
Mess of madness into some form of beauty,

That I began to lose track
Of when beauty faded to madness,

So much so
That it started to consume me,

Wearing away
At my very soul.
I want to be understood. But how can I be understood by others if I can't understand myself?
No one Sep 2018
I ask, May I Come In?

You reply, Who's There?

It's just me,
And my pessimistic thoughts.

I know you might not want me here.

In fact, I don't want me.

But your voice is of someone I can trust,
And right now, I need to feel loved.

"Are The Voices In Your Head Acting Up Again?"

A simple question, easy enough.
But I do not want to answer.

Eventually, I say "Yeah",
And I can already see you cry.

And for some reason, so do I.
I don't know what to do with my mind. But apparently, neither do you.
No one Oct 2018
Sometimes, I wonder,
Am I trapped inside my own head?

Refusing to believe the written on the page,
I just make up my own.

Is this what constitutes insanity?
Or is it my own lack of ability,

My refusal to see the light,
Even in the brightest of days?

My own thoughts like flies,
Drawn to the stench of my rotting mind?

Is this my own choice, my own fate?
Because it sure as **** doesn't feel like it.
And all I can do is read the lines between the words.
No one Sep 2018
Looking at my wounded heart,
Wondering why I played my part.

One for sorrow, Two for joy...

I fell in love with you,
Little did I know, you loved her too.

Three for a boy, Four for a girl...

Sweet moonlit walks, the long cold night.
I fell for you, in broad daylight.

Five for silver, Six for gold...

You went back to her, I know it to be true.
But maybe, just maybe, you miss me too.
Seven for my secrets, never to be told.
No one Jul 2018
We were both there,
Bathing in the sunlight
While the water flowed.

He had such golden hair,
Made brighter
By the shining of the sun.

He had known he'd die,
I knew.
I could tell in his eyes.

He took of his mask,
His final act of defiance.
I wept as he faded away.

Finally, I left.
Unwilling to die beside him,
Even if I had to keep this mask.

At least he had died as himself,
As I had stumbled along in the dark,
A complete stranger to myself.
But then I knew, I could never turn back.
No one Dec 2018
Why does it always have to be my fault?
No matter what it takes, I won't give you the satisfaction of seeing my tears.
No one May 2018
I am terrified of living.
I don't want to be hurt
Or scarred.

I don't want to die,
Don't want to end
Without my own purpose.

I want to have my own voice,
So nobody can speak for me,
Manipulate me however they choose.

I simply wish to be human,
To love,
And be loved.
No one Sep 2018
After many years of thought,
I reached a conclusion.

My life has no meaning.

I have no reason for my existence,
No idea what to do with it.

But at least I'm not lying to myself.

The world full of distractions,
Hiding the fact that death inches ever closer

With every move we make.

Some might find meaning in helping others,
But you can help others if you can't help yourself.

Maybe I should die.

That's the point of it all, isn't it?
To suffer?

Everything dies out, eventually.

Even the universe,
The never-ending flow of time.

The only reason to live is to suffer.

And everything in between that
Is boring.
Must I always live such a boring, meaningless life?
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