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636 · Aug 2018
Her
No one Aug 2018
Her
I loved you.
I really did.

I loved the way your smile
Would light up your eyes.

The way your jokes
Would always make me laugh.

I wanted to be yours,
And you, mine.

But eventually,
I moved on.

I kept telling myself
That it was a ******, silly crush.

A summer of regrets,
Constantly relived memories.

Eventually,  I learned to be
The third wheel.

To be friendly when talked to,
Quiet and unnoticeable the rest of the time.

Soon, I will fade away entirely.
My mind is already halfway there.

I don't know why I felt anything for you,
Because I knew it couldn't work out from the start.

So, whoever that special someone is,
I hope she isn't as ****** as I am.
I just hope, one day, I cans see you again and tell you how I feel.
524 · Nov 2018
Father
No one Nov 2018
Explosive rage,
Uncontrollable anger.

Directed at you,
Or just myself?

I hate you,
Always putting me down.

I hate myself,
Constantly craving your approval.

Your love,
Which I seldom receive.

I hate the part of me
That begs for forgiveness,

The part of me
That will always just be human.

Nothing more,
Nothing more.

Tears run down my face.
I cry, hidden in my room.

Am I just being
Melodramatic?

You scream at me,
I am never good enough.

I already know.
Can't you see that?

The bitter moment of silence,
Long enough to last a lifetime.

For days, I refuse to speak.
Until I learn to love the human part of me.

Once again.
Why must you hate me so?
335 · Nov 2018
Insomnia
No one Nov 2018
I want to sleep.

But I don't know if I remember how.
I have spent so many nights lying in bed, wondering...
335 · Feb 23
Listen
No one Feb 23
Have you ever noticed
The way that gentle touching
Of keys on a keyboard
Sound so much
Like the pitter-patter
Of rain,
And how
A single written word
Can have as many
Endless meanings
As there are
Drops of water
In the sea?
320 · Jun 2018
Tired
No one Jun 2018
Those who seek love
Don't always find it.

The truth of life
Is a harsh reality to bear.

Those with the strongest emotions
Tend to keep them bottled in.

Those who want happiness
Are seldom able to find it.

That rare sleep in the dead of night
Only lasts for a short moment.

All the best things we have
Slip through our fingers like sand.

How do I know?
I have been there, so many times.

And those who need help the most
Are never able to find it.
I have found that I can only rely on myself. No one else can understand this insane mind.
254 · Apr 8
If This Is Goodbye
No one Apr 8
I feel I have lost my voice.

As much as I want to deny it,
That emptiness still remains,
Both heart and mind broken,

Into a million tiny pieces.

I've been empty for quite some time,
As if my lungs refuse to breathe,
And my voice refuses to speak.

Is this goodbye?

I've had my fill of heartache and loss,
Of broken dreams and lost souls,
And plenty of useless days.

I'm sorry, in advance.

I don't think I'll ever be able to say
What anyone wants to hear.
That I'll keep trying to live.
What good is a voice if it constantly refuses to speak?
226 · Oct 2018
Madness
No one Oct 2018
Sometimes, I wonder,
Am I trapped inside my own head?

Refusing to believe the written on the page,
I just make up my own.

Is this what constitutes insanity?
Or is it my own lack of ability,

My refusal to see the light,
Even in the brightest of days?

My own thoughts like flies,
Drawn to the stench of my rotting mind?

Is this my own choice, my own fate?
Because it sure as **** doesn't feel like it.
And all I can do is read the lines between the words.
189 · Jul 2018
Fade Away
No one Jul 2018
For once, I am silent.
I have lost the words
To describe how I feel.

Maybe that's because
Once, just once,
I feel something other than pain.

With you by my side,
Listening to my lies,
I begin to think...

Maybe I could tell you the truth,
To see how you'd feel
About the perfect girl who's no longer perfect.

I want to cry in your arms,
To hear you say
"It's going to be okay."

That I'll get over
The endless cycle.
Constant death, never-ending.

Until I remembered,
I had lost you, too.
You weren't mine.

I tried to reach out
To touch you.
See you one last time.

But you just faded away, like a memory in a photograph.
For one ****** second, I'd actually felt happy.
185 · Sep 2018
Concerto
No one Sep 2018
The stark contrast
Of black and blue.

Constantly waiting for the chorus,
The encore, the silence.

Words mix together;
I cannot see.

Madness encircling me,
I am left blind as the tempo builds up.

Noises form a symphony,
A bitter cacophony of pain.

Where there is silence,
There is noise.

Shattering me to my core,
Rattling in my bones.

Until, once again,
I become silent.
Sometimes I cannot hear over the sound of my screams.
182 · Oct 2018
Final Statement
No one Oct 2018
I can't even tell if I'm human anymore.
181 · Aug 2018
When I am gone
No one Aug 2018
I want my words to linger on,
At least for a little while longer.

I want some past reflection of myself
When no one can hear these silent screams.

I have evolved, yes,
But perhaps not in a good way.

So when I am gone, I ask you,
What will you think of me?

Will I become a ghost,
Lost forever in your memories?

Or will you still call me a coward,
To bring the end upon myself?

But the only thing I can do now
Is think of what I have to say.

To choose what to leave behind,
As I eventually fade from sight.

My fate is already decided,
But I have one choice left;

To either become the monster
Or the coward...
What will you think of me when I am gone?
176 · Sep 2018
Magpies
No one Sep 2018
Looking at my wounded heart,
Wondering why I played my part.

One for sorrow, Two for joy...

I fell in love with you,
Little did I know, you loved her too.

Three for a boy, Four for a girl...

Sweet moonlit walks, the long cold night.
I fell for you, in broad daylight.

Five for silver, Six for gold...

You went back to her, I know it to be true.
But maybe, just maybe, you miss me too.
Seven for my secrets, never to be told.
168 · Sep 2018
Madness
No one Sep 2018
I ask, May I Come In?

You reply, Who's There?

It's just me,
And my pessimistic thoughts.

I know you might not want me here.

In fact, I don't want me.

But your voice is of someone I can trust,
And right now, I need to feel loved.

"Are The Voices In Your Head Acting Up Again?"

A simple question, easy enough.
But I do not want to answer.

Eventually, I say "Yeah",
And I can already see you cry.

And for some reason, so do I.
I don't know what to do with my mind. But apparently, neither do you.
167 · Jun 2018
What I see
No one Jun 2018
Simple words,
Simple pictures,

To show how simple our minds can be.

Dying books,
Dying children,

Show how our society is already dead.

A fear of others,
A fear of the unknown,

Innocent people fearing for their lives.

Pride month,
A proud declaration of love,

Are they still proud when they could be killed at any time?

Working for a degree,
Working for equality,

Men don't have to work as much as a woman does.

I'm tired, I really am.
I'm sick of hate and ignorance.

And is this what we've become?
Are we now forced to stand back as the world is becoming an even bigger mess?
166 · Dec 2018
Me
No one Dec 2018
Me
Why does it always have to be my fault?
No matter what it takes, I won't give you the satisfaction of seeing my tears.
152 · Jul 2018
Gone
No one Jul 2018
A loss,
We knew
For a long time.

Two cynics,
Sitting at the table.
And another, religious.

A long time coming,
We knew,
Yet the other prays to god.

She cries at her loss,
Refusing to believe it.
All her hope, abandoned.

The other two sit at the table,
Laughing while everything
Is taken away.

The woman's demons overpower her,
And her god is no longer here to help.
She is swallowed by darkness.

The demons return to the table,
Wipe off the blood,
And resume their manic laughter.
My dark thoughts are not only my burden, but a curse to everyone else.
147 · Jul 2018
Pretense
No one Jul 2018
Time to put away that darkness,
Pretend to be happy.
Only if for one day.

This pain will bloom like a rose.
But that doesn't matter,
Just keep watering it with your silent tears.

Cut yourself up,
If you wish.
Just don't let them see your blood.

You only have to be happy,
Just this once.
Don't ruin this sacred day.

Put your violent past
Behind you.
Ignore your growing fear.

Your instincts were right.
But you're gonna die anyways,
So what does it matter?

And when those judging eyes
Finally leave,
You can end it once and for all.
The people who love you most can be the worst of all.
143 · Jul 2018
Untitled
No one Jul 2018
Don't worry about
Me committing suicide;
I won't follow through.
I'm too scared to actually do it.
126 · Jul 2018
Patience
No one Jul 2018
My fingertips ready to type,
Electricity coursing through them.
Yet the words still don't come.

The end is a beginning,
I suppose. But this time,
It's the other way 'round.

If I were asked,
My medium of choice
Would be language.

So unclear,
Yet so certain,
They fail me now.

I see such beauty I cannot describe,
Such chaos I cannot portray,
Such anger I cannot express.

But my fingers remain poised,
Waiting for that moment...

When they are able to type.
When I write, I feel more alive than ever.
99 · Mar 24
Untitled
No one Mar 24
I'm so tired of it all.

Of having to do the same thing,
Day in, day out,
No change whatsoever.

It feels as if
Every month
Keeps getting longer and longer,
Never bothering to end.

"Time is the enemy of us all", they say,
And it couldn't hold more true
Than this moment right now.

Every second lasts a decade,
And every moment, an eternity.

I want my life to change,
So maybe I'll just end it.
I'm so tired of the monotony of it all.
93 · May 2018
Reflections
No one May 2018
Look at you.
So cynical;
Depressed.

What has made you this way?

You were once
Such a happy
Child.

When did things go wrong?

Maybe when
You finally
Gave up.

Dreams are for ****** children.
And when you finally become an adult, reality crushes you.
93 · May 2018
Meaning
No one May 2018
I am terrified of living.
I don't want to be hurt
Or scarred.

I don't want to die,
Don't want to end
Without my own purpose.

I want to have my own voice,
So nobody can speak for me,
Manipulate me however they choose.

I simply wish to be human,
To love,
And be loved.
90 · Jul 2018
Guilt
No one Jul 2018
Peace can be found in anger,
But only for a fleeting moment,
Before it is consumed by guilt.

We then become dependent on it,
The pain we feel,
Regardless of whether it was deserved.

The human moral compass,
Always such a hypocrite,
Twisting the mind so it always blames itself.

The burning of possessions,
Old and cherished,
Only reinforces the fact that we are alone.

But should we be forced to suffer
At the hands of the ignorant,
The jealous, the thieves?

But I still share the blame.
Not because of my actions,
But lack thereof.

Should I still be condemmed
For my refusal to act
Against everything that tears my life apart?

Regardless,
I still have these bruises,
And they were caused by you.
Will I get the chance to heal before it happens again?
90 · May 2018
Alone
No one May 2018
Shivering in the cold,
Rocking back and forth.
Knowing you won't come.

I've gotten used to this;
The darkness in my vision,
The sounds in my head.

The sleepless nights
And existential crises
Are now my friends.

This manic destruction
Is the only comfort
I could ever have.

Really, I get it.
Nobody wants to be here,
Not even you.

And that's okay.
I'll always have myself.
86 · Jun 2018
Blood
No one Jun 2018
Nothing can satisfy my hunger
For human suffering;
Not even me.

So once again,
I break myself down,
Hoping to feel

Something,
Anything,
To remind me of my humanity.

Or lack thereof.
Pain is the only comfort I know.
86 · Aug 2018
You and I
No one Aug 2018
A blank slate,
A fresh start.
Full of potential.

Once upon a time,
I had hope.
I thought things could change.

What does it matter now, though?
You don't care.
And, quite frankly, neither do I.

For you see, potential is one thing.
But the outcome tends to be
Completely different.

Sure, I could change,
But so could you.
Live a life full of lies.

Instead, we starve ourselves,
Constantly craving a glimmer,
A slight hint of affection.

You and I,
We could change.
But why don't we?
For better or for worse, we'll never change.
86 · May 2018
Don't
No one May 2018
Don't say you love me,
I could never forgive you if you did.

You deserve a better life
Than the one I could give you.

I'm not someone you want to love,
Because I am SO far from perfect.

And you are.

So don't love me.
Don't even try.

I could never forgive myself
If I ruined you, too.
You're all that I  have left.
86 · May 2018
Little Girl
No one May 2018
Little Girl
Staring in the mirror,
Brushing her hair.

Little Girl
Hiding her secrets,
Living in fear.

Little Girl
Bringing ruin to her life,
Addicted to that sadness.

Little Girl.
You've ****** up again.

Little Girl
Hiding those tears,
Pretending everything's okay.

Pretending you're okay.

But you're not.

You still slice those wrists,
You still refuse to eat.

Because we both know
There's no point in living
If that life is already broken.
Sometimes, life can be so hard.
85 · Jun 2018
Going Under
No one Jun 2018
Once again going under,
Visiting that cold, dark palace
Where dreams seemingly come true.

Each time I visit
I become weaker,
But am still unable to leave.

That is, until
I cannot handle the pain
And my body fights it.

A continuous struggle,
A never-ending cycle.

Even so, this is far better
Than what awaits me
On the other side.

Because there is commotion,
And pain, and sharp clarity.

And I do not want to bring
This awful life
Into any deeper focus.
84 · Jun 2018
Wasting away
No one Jun 2018
This festering wound,
Eating away my insides.
My time is wearing thin.

The harmony of pain,
Suffering and disease,
Creates such an eerie melody.

No need to eat,
No need to breathe.
I'll soon be dead, anyways.

Lost all strength,
I have no will to live.
Death seems to be my only escape.
If this blood won't stop, maybe my life will.
82 · Jul 2018
Words
No one Jul 2018
Enter; the woman,
Her skin covered in words,
Searching for new language.

She seeks more,
To fill in the voids of her skin,
Left by so many forgotten lovers.

Abandoned by love,
She seeks refuge
In the distant memories.

She has long forgotten
Who she was,
And who she was planning to be.

She looks for new words
To fill the emptiness in her heart,
And the longing in her soul.

And now, her skin
Is another blank canvas
For others to paint their thoughts on.
Words can only express...
81 · Aug 2018
Dark
No one Aug 2018
I keep on saying "light",
Even though I feel
So dark inside.

Feverishly writing,
Thinking,
To stop them becoming actions.

I don't know why I'm like this.

They say that
A human being
Is both dark and light.

Why we always feel conflict.
I don't understand, though,
Because all I see is the dark.
I don't know how to regain my humanity, if I had it in the first place.
81 · May 2018
Puppet
No one May 2018
She dances to the torment
Of her soul;
Writhing. Screaming.

Tearing out her hair,
Spinning in manic circles.
Bending her body in innumerable ways.

She's dying, slowly but surely.
She knows it. But she can't defeat
That ghastly song in her mind.
An old poem I'd written a while back, before HP.
80 · Jul 2018
Birthday
No one Jul 2018
Did I do something wrong,
Other than being born?
Why isn't anyone here to celebrate?

Another birthday.
Another time where
I blow out the sad little candles.

No cake,
No presents,
No people.

I'm just left alone, sitting in the dark.

12 years,
13, 14, 15, 16,
All the way until 21.

I've come to expect very little from people.

I'm left waiting,
Sitting alone in the dark.
Craving the smallest human interaction.

Happy Birthday to me, indeed.
In honor of an old friend, whiskey.
80 · Aug 2018
A mind full of storms
No one Aug 2018
I can't write,
Not at all.
All I can do is read.

But isn't that what we all do?

We don't write stories,
But instead
Read the words,

In the form of our people.

That mad feeling,
Writing all that we read,
For fear of being the only ones who see.

To see if others know what we see.

But the question is,
Do you see this?
What I see, what I read?

Or am I just going crazy...?

Being the only one
Who is trapped
In this mind full of storms.
Does this even make sense to you? I can't even tell anymore.
79 · Jun 2018
Nameless
No one Jun 2018
She watches the world
Through an old camera lens,
Wishing you were here.
79 · Jul 2018
End
No one Jul 2018
End
My life closed shut,
Never to be open again.

I faded away,
Grateful.

That I had chosen clarity of mind
Over clarity of vision.

Even if they both intertwine.

I freed myself,
And can soar high above.

And far away.
The peace you receive when you write.
78 · Jun 2018
Silent Whispers
No one Jun 2018
The longer I am in silence,
The less it is quiet.

An imaginary tune,
Soft sounds of my breathing,

There is no such thing as silence.
Except in my mind,

Where I cannot think
Except to feel this stinging pain.

The leftovers of addiction,
The beginning of an end.

Even the sound of my loved ones,
If they even exist...

Even their crying voices
Cannot reach me here.
I am deep under, unable to wake.
78 · Jun 2018
Silence
No one Jun 2018
I'm not okay.
Not even close.

I'm falling to pieces,
While you can't even see.

Or won't see, for that matter.

All my cracks,
Coating my skin,
Letting the blood flow.

I don't know where it all went wrong.

But now, I'm hiding
On the other side
Of my bedroom door.

And I won't let you in.
Not this time, not ever.
77 · Aug 2018
Disguise
No one Aug 2018
I painted a canvas,
In words, dark and grey.

Overlapping, in many shades,
They covered the whole thing.

I never once thought that the painting
Was dark and dreary, like all others.

For the words were great,
Beautifully written.

So happy in their meaning,
Even though the execution was bad.

Over time,
The words grew.

I watered them with my tears,
And fed them my smiles.

And when I looked,
I saw...

The painting was my portrait,
Down into the depths of my mind.
I might seem dark, but I want to be happy. I just don't know how.
76 · Jul 2018
Masks
No one Jul 2018
We were both there,
Bathing in the sunlight
While the water flowed.

He had such golden hair,
Made brighter
By the shining of the sun.

He had known he'd die,
I knew.
I could tell in his eyes.

He took of his mask,
His final act of defiance.
I wept as he faded away.

Finally, I left.
Unwilling to die beside him,
Even if I had to keep this mask.

At least he had died as himself,
As I had stumbled along in the dark,
A complete stranger to myself.
But then I knew, I could never turn back.
76 · Sep 2018
Black
No one Sep 2018
I see a girl,
Fragile and scared.

She wears long sleeves
To cover up her long history
Of scars.

She already seems broken,
Irreparable.

She want to hide it.
To show she's strong,
Even when she isn't.

She puts on makeup,
Must have cost a fortune.

She likes it.
She "doesn't care" when
She wears all black.

And no-one comes near enough
To see the cracks along her face.
No one will see how scared she is...
75 · Aug 2018
Eternity
No one Aug 2018
In the grand scheme of things,
It doesn't really matter.

Whether I get into college,
Or get a job,
Or become really rich.

Even if I am poor,
And a failure,
And end up homeless.

It's all the same.

Either way, I will be a speck,
A little piece
In an ever-changing universe.

Whatever I do,
It won't matter.
I will still die.

But all we seem to do
Is **** ourselves.

We work our lives away,
Just to gain
That one momentary pleasure.

So yeah, I don't want to work for a living.
Or get married,
Or have kids.

It doesn't matter, after all.

Of course, I might care,
At least for a little bit,
If I could live.

To choose a path
Whose reward
Is a longer life.

But only for a little.
Because it must be ****
To live forever.

To constantly watch everyone else die,
Or live forever with everyone you hate.
Take your pick, it's all the same.

Life itself is ****,
Death is ****,
And anything in between is meaningless.

It truly is.

What I'm trying to say, is...
We all want to die,
But we all want to live.
A little morbid, perhaps, but it's the truth, isn't it?
75 · Jun 2018
Torn
No one Jun 2018
My mind,
Filled with dark thoughts,
The cynical ideas never ending.

Dressed in black, to match my soul.

But my skin,
So pale and tender,
So innocent and young.

Too young to die, too weak to ****.

So I meet in the middle,
Where dark and light collide into grey,
Only that grey is now red.

And the collision is leaving me with scars.
It seems that whatever I want to **** isn't hiding in this faint pulse.
72 · Jun 2018
Memories
No one Jun 2018
The middle of the night.
I feel as though I am dead,
But the darkness is not.

It whispers the memories of you,
The slight shadows on the walls
A reminder of our former glory.

The inky sky reminding me
How it feels to be another star
In a collection of millions.
The night has never seemed so dark.
72 · Aug 2018
Alone
No one Aug 2018
With hands as cold as ice,
She drifts in and out
From the shadows of existence.

Her life created
By another's misery,
She already seems dead.

Turned to dust,
She is but a hollow shell,
Alone and scared.

And every day,
You try to fix her,
To put the pieces back together.

But she just gets worse,
Until all you can do
Is watch her fall apart.
So now, she cries alone.
71 · Jun 2018
Dementor
No one Jun 2018
I am not
A happy person,
Not even close.

Seems to be a fitting name.

You only saw
The surface.

Where "darkness"
Was fun.

But you didn't see the real depths of my soul.

Would
It
Scare
You?

The things I see,
The visions at night
Are all too real to me.

The slashes on my arms,
The blood on my skin,
They are there too.

And even now, it still hurts.

Because I am still
"That goth kid",
Only much older.
Not like you would understand.
71 · Jun 2018
Broken pieces
No one Jun 2018
She was glass,
And he was stone.

He destroyed her with a touch.

Shattered into
A million pieces,

Like the stars seen in the sky.

He tried to put her
Back together,

But he made the damage worse.

Now he's left
Wondering why

He's the one left with the scars.
She's now found a new lover, while he suffers alone in the dark.
71 · Jul 2018
Uncover
No one Jul 2018
Take off your mask,
Piece by piece,
Until it all fades away.

Reveal your bleary eyes,
Crying in frustration,
From long, sleepless nights.

Show me your red lips,
That smile at the sun,
Which utter such sweet nothings.

Wear your scars,
From the dancing and mayhem,
Your sweet childhood friends.

Set your hair loose,
Your means for inspiration,
The beginning of so many poems.

And finally,
Show me your true self,
So you may become a reflection I recognize.
Maybe some day, I can think and act for myself.
69 · Jul 2018
Healing
No one Jul 2018
Even now,
I don't know who I am.
Who I want to be.

I am afraid to look at myself
In the mirror,
And find a monster staring back.

I always seem to find that shadow,
Even on the most calm,
Sunny days.

I end up crying alone,
In the dark,
Hoping for sleep to come.

Although it never does.

I want to be good enough
To not need to pretend
That I can find "the one".

Because they don't exist.
And I know that.
But I still cling to that hope.

One of these days,
I hope I can learn
To love myself.
I am healing, slowly but surely.
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