Looking at my wounded heart,
Wondering why I played my part.

One for sorrow, Two for joy...

I fell in love with you,
Little did I know, you loved her too.

Three for a boy, Four for a girl...

Sweet moonlit walks, the long cold night.
I fell for you, in broad daylight.

Five for silver, Six for gold...

You went back to her, I know it to be true.
But maybe, just maybe, you miss me too.

I wish I could go back in time,
When I didn't need all this.

I wish I live without my phone,
Addicted to the empty feeling,

Giving me love in the form of "likes"
Where my family couldn't.

I wish I could live without
All these things I never needed

But now so desperately
Desire.

I wish I didn't meet you,
Because I wouldn't be empty.

I wouldn't know what it's like to live
Without you, after losing you so many times.

I wish I didn't have to cry out,
Writing my heartbreak feverishly.

So mad, so tearfully mad,
Ripping my mind apart.

My heart torn into pieces,
Like the verses of our story.

You forgot,
Again.
I know.

I just wish-
Just once-
You wouldn't.

I no longer
Want to be left behind
To eat your dust.

It's not your fault,
I guess.
It's probably mine.

I build things up
In my head,
An unshakable vision.

I create what I want.
Not what
Everybody else sees.

What would you say
If you could see me now?

Losing my mind to a boy,
Who doesn't even exist?

Dead long ago
In that cold winter storm;

Blood on ice,
A horrible sight to behold.

My dear brother,
I once loved you.

Now I cry over you,
A faint echo of a memory.

The stark contrast
Of black and blue.

Constantly waiting for the chorus,
The encore, the silence.

Words mix together;
I cannot see.

Madness encircling me,
I am left blind as the tempo builds up.

Noises form a symphony,
A bitter cacophony of pain.

Where there is silence,
There is noise.

Shattering me to my core,
Rattling in my bones.

Until, once again,
I become silent.

If you saw all the blank pages
I tried to write,

The empty drafts
Without words,

You'd realize I'm not perfect?

So why must you insist that I am?

Why am I held to such a high expectation,
Where anything less than perfection is wrong?

Where I'm wrong?

And, more importantly,
Could I ever be enough for you?

Could I ever be something more,
Anything more, than a "failure" ?

I ask, May I Come In?

You reply, Who's There?

It's just me,
And my pessimistic thoughts.

I know you might not want me here.

In fact, I don't want me.

But your voice is of someone I can trust,
And right now, I need to feel loved.

"Are The Voices In Your Head Acting Up Again?"

A simple question, easy enough.
But I do not want to answer.

Eventually, I say "Yeah",
And I can already see you cry.

And for some reason, so do I.

After many years of thought,
I reached a conclusion.

My life has no meaning.

I have no reason for my existence,
No idea what to do with it.

But at least I'm not lying to myself.

The world full of distractions,
Hiding the fact that death inches ever closer

With every move we make.

Some might find meaning in helping others,
But you can help others if you can't help yourself.

Maybe I should die.

That's the point of it all, isn't it?
To suffer?

Everything dies out, eventually.

Even the universe,
The never-ending flow of time.

The only reason to live is to suffer.

And everything in between that
Is boring.

I see a girl,
Fragile and scared.

She wears long sleeves
To cover up her long history
Of scars.

She already seems broken,
Irreparable.

She want to hide it.
To show she's strong,
Even when she isn't.

She puts on makeup,
Must have cost a fortune.

She likes it.
She "doesn't care" when
She wears all black.

And no-one comes near enough
To see the cracks along her face.

With hands as cold as ice,
She drifts in and out
From the shadows of existence.

Her life created
By another's misery,
She already seems dead.

Turned to dust,
She is but a hollow shell,
Alone and scared.

And every day,
You try to fix her,
To put the pieces back together.

But she just gets worse,
Until all you can do
Is watch her fall apart.

Halfway through the book already,
Fallen deeper into the rabbit-hole.

All the beauty fades away,
An empty husk of what it once was.

I let the words swallow me,
Engulfing me into the darkest depths of despair.

No name, no date,
My life forever an unknown.

It's cold down here,
Dark and silent.

I froze to death,
As I saw your cold heart.

I painted a canvas,
In words, dark and grey.

Overlapping, in many shades,
They covered the whole thing.

I never once thought that the painting
Was dark and dreary, like all others.

For the words were great,
Beautifully written.

So happy in their meaning,
Even though the execution was bad.

Over time,
The words grew.

I watered them with my tears,
And fed them my smiles.

And when I looked,
I saw...

The painting was my portrait,
Down into the depths of my mind.

In the grand scheme of things,
It doesn't really matter.

Whether I get into college,
Or get a job,
Or become really rich.

Even if I am poor,
And a failure,
And end up homeless.

It's all the same.

Either way, I will be a speck,
A little piece
In an ever-changing universe.

Whatever I do,
It won't matter.
I will still die.

But all we seem to do
Is **** ourselves.

We work our lives away,
Just to gain
That one momentary pleasure.

So yeah, I don't want to work for a living.
Or get married,
Or have kids.

It doesn't matter, after all.

Of course, I might care,
At least for a little bit,
If I could live.

To choose a path
Whose reward
Is a longer life.

But only for a little.
Because it must be hell
To live forever.

To constantly watch everyone else die,
Or live forever with everyone you hate.
Take your pick, it's all the same.

Life itself is hell,
Death is hell,
And anything in between is meaningless.

It truly is.

What I'm trying to say, is...
We all want to die,
But we all want to live.

A blank slate,
A fresh start.
Full of potential.

Once upon a time,
I had hope.
I thought things could change.

What does it matter now, though?
You don't care.
And, quite frankly, neither do I.

For you see, potential is one thing.
But the outcome tends to be
Completely different.

Sure, I could change,
But so could you.
Live a life full of lies.

Instead, we starve ourselves,
Constantly craving a glimmer,
A slight hint of affection.

You and I,
We could change.
But why don't we?

On the mend,
I am growing.
Healing, little by little.

Then - a sudden break.
Once again, I am covered in blood,
But this time it's not mine.

It's yours, my darling.

Oh, what have I done?

I thought about my greatest work,
My "magnum opus" of life.

I found that it was myself,
And the various masks I wore.

See, I am the mistress of disguise,
Always hidden; never seen.

I suppose the greatest thing
I have ever done...

Is perfect the art
Of wearing this smile.

I want my words to linger on,
At least for a little while longer.

I want some past reflection of myself
When no one can hear these silent screams.

I have evolved, yes,
But perhaps not in a good way.

So when I am gone, I ask you,
What will you think of me?

Will I become a ghost,
Lost forever in your memories?

Or will you still call me a coward,
To bring the end upon myself?

But the only thing I can do now
Is think of what I have to say.

To choose what to leave behind,
As I eventually fade from sight.

My fate is already decided,
But I have one choice left;

To either become the monster
Or the coward...

I loved you.
I really did.

I loved the way your smile
Would light up your eyes.

The way your jokes
Would always make me laugh.

I wanted to be yours,
And you, mine.

But eventually,
I moved on.

I kept telling myself
That it was a stupid, silly crush.

A summer of regrets,
Constantly relived memories.

Eventually,  I learned to be
The third wheel.

To be friendly when talked to,
Quiet and unnoticeable the rest of the time.

Soon, I will fade away entirely.
My mind is already halfway there.

I don't know why I felt anything for you,
Because I knew it couldn't work out from the start.

So, whoever that special someone is,
I hope she isn't as stupid as I am.

I can't write,
Not at all.
All I can do is read.

But isn't that what we all do?

We don't write stories,
But instead
Read the words,

In the form of our people.

That mad feeling,
Writing all that we read,
For fear of being the only ones who see.

To see if others know what we see.

But the question is,
Do you see this?
What I see, what I read?

Or am I just going crazy...?

Being the only one
Who is trapped
In this mind full of storms.

I keep on saying "light",
Even though I feel
So dark inside.

Feverishly writing,
Thinking,
To stop them becoming actions.

I don't know why I'm like this.

They say that
A human being
Is both dark and light.

Why we always feel conflict.
I don't understand, though,
Because all I see is the dark.

A long journey home,
Trapped in the backseat.
A padded room.

I open my eyes.
And for a moment,
Everything is in blue.

The world shakes,
Distorts. Reality is thrown
Into various shades.

And suddenly,
You're splashing your face.
Wondering if what you saw was truly real.

I try to escape this realm,
Throw my heart into another.
But I never see it again.

I am forever trapped in this mind.

Don't worry about
Me committing suicide;
I won't follow through.

Even now,
I don't know who I am.
Who I want to be.

I am afraid to look at myself
In the mirror,
And find a monster staring back.

I always seem to find that shadow,
Even on the most calm,
Sunny days.

I end up crying alone,
In the dark,
Hoping for sleep to come.

Although it never does.

I want to be good enough
To not need to pretend
That I can find "the one".

Because they don't exist.
And I know that.
But I still cling to that hope.

One of these days,
I hope I can learn
To love myself.

Take off your mask,
Piece by piece,
Until it all fades away.

Reveal your bleary eyes,
Crying in frustration,
From long, sleepless nights.

Show me your red lips,
That smile at the sun,
Which utter such sweet nothings.

Wear your scars,
From the dancing and mayhem,
Your sweet childhood friends.

Set your hair loose,
Your means for inspiration,
The beginning of so many poems.

And finally,
Show me your true self,
So you may become a reflection I recognize.

Enter; the woman,
Her skin covered in words,
Searching for new language.

She seeks more,
To fill in the voids of her skin,
Left by so many forgotten lovers.

Abandoned by love,
She seeks refuge
In the distant memories.

She has long forgotten
Who she was,
And who she was planning to be.

She looks for new words
To fill the emptiness in her heart,
And the longing in her soul.

And now, her skin
Is another blank canvas
For others to paint their thoughts on.

My life closed shut,
Never to be open again.

I faded away,
Grateful.

That I had chosen clarity of mind
Over clarity of vision.

Even if they both intertwine.

I freed myself,
And can soar high above.

And far away.

My fingertips ready to type,
Electricity coursing through them.
Yet the words still don't come.

The end is a beginning,
I suppose. But this time,
It's the other way 'round.

If I were asked,
My medium of choice
Would be language.

So unclear,
Yet so certain,
They fail me now.

I see such beauty I cannot describe,
Such chaos I cannot portray,
Such anger I cannot express.

But my fingers remain poised,
Waiting for that moment...

When they are able to type.

We were both there,
Bathing in the sunlight
While the water flowed.

He had such golden hair,
Made brighter
By the shining of the sun.

He had known he'd die,
I knew.
I could tell in his eyes.

He took of his mask,
His final act of defiance.
I wept as he faded away.

Finally, I left.
Unwilling to die beside him,
Even if I had to keep this mask.

At least he had died as himself,
As I had stumbled along in the dark,
A complete stranger to myself.

Someone once asked me
If I was afraid of the dark.
No, I replied.

The dark is not my enemy.
She is my friend,
And has always been there.

The light is fleeting,
Leaving one blinded
In its wake.

But the dark remains,
Slowly creeping,
Embracing the mind.

Regardless of past.
Of horrible thoughts,
And heavy emotions.

She comforts me
In solitude,
And has never left me since.

Did I do something wrong,
Other than being born?
Why isn't anyone here to celebrate?

Another birthday.
Another time where
I blow out the sad little candles.

No cake,
No presents,
No people.

I'm just left alone, sitting in the dark.

12 years,
13, 14, 15, 16,
All the way until 21.

I've come to expect very little from people.

I'm left waiting,
Sitting alone in the dark.
Craving the smallest human interaction.

Happy Birthday to me, indeed.

Time to put away that darkness,
Pretend to be happy.
Only if for one day.

This pain will bloom like a rose.
But that doesn't matter,
Just keep watering it with your silent tears.

Cut yourself up,
If you wish.
Just don't let them see your blood.

You only have to be happy,
Just this once.
Don't ruin this sacred day.

Put your violent past
Behind you.
Ignore your growing fear.

Your instincts were right.
But you're gonna die anyways,
So what does it matter?

And when those judging eyes
Finally leave,
You can end it once and for all.

Peace can be found in anger,
But only for a fleeting moment,
Before it is consumed by guilt.

We then become dependent on it,
The pain we feel,
Regardless of whether it was deserved.

The human moral compass,
Always such a hypocrite,
Twisting the mind so it always blames itself.

The burning of possessions,
Old and cherished,
Only reinforces the fact that we are alone.

But should we be forced to suffer
At the hands of the ignorant,
The jealous, the thieves?

But I still share the blame.
Not because of my actions,
But lack thereof.

Should I still be condemmed
For my refusal to act
Against everything that tears my life apart?

Regardless,
I still have these bruises,
And they were caused by you.

A loss,
We knew
For a long time.

Two cynics,
Sitting at the table.
And another, religious.

A long time coming,
We knew,
Yet the other prays to god.

She cries at her loss,
Refusing to believe it.
All her hope, abandoned.

The other two sit at the table,
Laughing while everything
Is taken away.

The woman's demons overpower her,
And her god is no longer here to help.
She is swallowed by darkness.

The demons return to the table,
Wipe off the blood,
And resume their manic laughter.

For once, I am silent.
I have lost the words
To describe how I feel.

Maybe that's because
Once, just once,
I feel something other than pain.

With you by my side,
Listening to my lies,
I begin to think...

Maybe I could tell you the truth,
To see how you'd feel
About the perfect girl who's no longer perfect.

I want to cry in your arms,
To hear you say
"It's going to be okay."

That I'll get over
The endless cycle.
Constant death, never-ending.

Until I remembered,
I had lost you, too.
You weren't mine.

I tried to reach out
To touch you.
See you one last time.

But you just faded away, like a memory in a photograph.

The middle of the night.
I feel as though I am dead,
But the darkness is not.

It whispers the memories of you,
The slight shadows on the walls
A reminder of our former glory.

The inky sky reminding me
How it feels to be another star
In a collection of millions.

My mind,
Filled with dark thoughts,
The cynical ideas never ending.

Dressed in black, to match my soul.

But my skin,
So pale and tender,
So innocent and young.

Too young to die, too weak to ****.

So I meet in the middle,
Where dark and light collide into grey,
Only that grey is now red.

And the collision is leaving me with scars.

Simple words,
Simple pictures,

To show how simple our minds can be.

Dying books,
Dying children,

Show how our society is already dead.

A fear of others,
A fear of the unknown,

Innocent people fearing for their lives.

Pride month,
A proud declaration of love,

Are they still proud when they could be killed at any time?

Working for a degree,
Working for equality,

Men don't have to work as much as a woman does.

I'm tired, I really am.
I'm sick of hate and ignorance.

And is this what we've become?

The longer I am in silence,
The less it is quiet.

An imaginary tune,
Soft sounds of my breathing,

There is no such thing as silence.
Except in my mind,

Where I cannot think
Except to feel this stinging pain.

The leftovers of addiction,
The beginning of an end.

Even the sound of my loved ones,
If they even exist...

Even their crying voices
Cannot reach me here.

A loud explosion,
Followed by
Deadly silence.

Both sides still
Fuming, hurting,
Believing they are right.

Two worlds
Torn apart
By a few awful words.

Their child left alone
Crying in the dark,
Their love forever gone.

She was glass,
And he was stone.

He destroyed her with a touch.

Shattered into
A million pieces,

Like the stars seen in the sky.

He tried to put her
Back together,

But he made the damage worse.

Now he's left
Wondering why

He's the one left with the scars.

I am not
A happy person,
Not even close.

Seems to be a fitting name.

You only saw
The surface.

Where "darkness"
Was fun.

But you didn't see the real depths of my soul.

Would
It
Scare
You?

The things I see,
The visions at night
Are all too real to me.

The slashes on my arms,
The blood on my skin,
They are there too.

And even now, it still hurts.

Because I am still
"That goth kid",
Only much older.

I'm not okay.
Not even close.

I'm falling to pieces,
While you can't even see.

Or won't see, for that matter.

All my cracks,
Coating my skin,
Letting the blood flow.

I don't know where it all went wrong.

But now, I'm hiding
On the other side
Of my bedroom door.

And I won't let you in.

This festering wound,
Eating away my insides.
My time is wearing thin.

The harmony of pain,
Suffering and disease,
Creates such an eerie melody.

No need to eat,
No need to breathe.
I'll soon be dead, anyways.

Lost all strength,
I have no will to live.
Death seems to be my only escape.

Heart racing,
Lungs burning,
Mind slipping...

With one move, I'll fall into this eternal abyss.

I can't be seen,
Won't be found.
Not that I really cared, anyways.

All we were doing was playing mind games.

And I eventually lost.

Nothing can satisfy my hunger
For human suffering;
Not even me.

So once again,
I break myself down,
Hoping to feel

Something,
Anything,
To remind me of my humanity.

Or lack thereof.

Those who seek love
Don't always find it.

The truth of life
Is a harsh reality to bear.

Those with the strongest emotions
Tend to keep them bottled in.

Those who want happiness
Are seldom able to find it.

That rare sleep in the dead of night
Only lasts for a short moment.

All the best things we have
Slip through our fingers like sand.

How do I know?
I have been there, so many times.

And those who need help the most
Are never able to find it.

She watches the world
Through an old camera lens,
Wishing you were here.

Once again going under,
Visiting that cold, dark palace
Where dreams seemingly come true.

Each time I visit
I become weaker,
But am still unable to leave.

That is, until
I cannot handle the pain
And my body fights it.

A continuous struggle,
A never-ending cycle.

Even so, this is far better
Than what awaits me
On the other side.

Because there is commotion,
And pain, and sharp clarity.

And I do not want to bring
This awful life
Into any deeper focus.

Shivering in the cold,
Rocking back and forth.
Knowing you won't come.

I've gotten used to this;
The darkness in my vision,
The sounds in my head.

The sleepless nights
And existential crises
Are now my friends.

This manic destruction
Is the only comfort
I could ever have.

Really, I get it.
Nobody wants to be here,
Not even you.

And that's okay.
I'll always have myself.

Look at you.
So cynical;
Depressed.

What has made you this way?

You were once
Such a happy
Child.

When did things go wrong?

Maybe when
You finally
Gave up.

Dreams are for stupid children.