“Don’t leave.” On repeat

Over and over in my head
My bed is empty
You left
You’re the last person
I’ll let sleep next to me
I’m wide awake
I watched you sleep
you know?
I didn’t move, and I tried not to breath too
Heavily
I let you sleep
You slept, and moved violently
I look forward to seeing you again
I’ll keep saying I love you
Even if you’re gone

I stand next to you as the timer counts down
In Atlanta
5...4...3...2...1...
Happy New Year!!!
You walk away as you text someone
I’m left standing alone, and immersed
In the center of the room
Solidly, solely accepting you
I can imagine how awkward
You feel
As I look down at your shoes
Hmmm...your red vans, your rip jeans
Your eyes, I can’t see
Hold my hand and calm me
Remind me what it’s like to have
You in my car
(I have a bag of your clothes in my backseat)
Listening to music and singing
As you’re aware of my mind
Reeling with worry
You were in a hurry, Rose
Where’d you go?
I use to count the days as if you had them
Numbered
5...4...3...2...1...

On this day
One year ago
I was
Crying in my car that was parked
In the grocery store parking lot
I’m spent
Come sit next to me
Suggest to me that I am not
Unlucky, Unloved and Unfortunate
My time hasn’t happened yet
Hey. I’m Jessica.
Starting over.

Anxiety is the enemy. You crumble and forfeit all of the good things that come your way.
You overthink
Thinking becomes a chore.
I’ll walk away
Over and over again
They’re not the only reason why I fall into my pillow at night
Saturating the clean linens with my tears
It’s my failures that shine through my fears
The pain you’re in reaches deep
and you no longer need my company
Now I’m suffocating, but happy
It’s unfair to assume I don’t care
When all I wanted was...
you
Minus the lingering feeling of despair.

You make me feel
Like the words inside of my head
Are useless and better left unsaid
It’s a good thing
Malignant words that are hurtful
I’m trying not to get into trouble again
I purposely let you control my mind
sometimes
And Sometimes was always letting you in
And never telling you no
Which is a nice thing
It was a lovely thing
Your magnificent action changed the course
Of my life
I’m holding on this time
To the right actions and words
He said “ I don’t know why you feel this way.
You’re so pretty.”
Jessica is soooo pretty...
and
scared of failure, being alone and riddled with doubt
It was nice, good, and lovely
So hold me

I lay my hand on my chest
I expect my heart to stop
It skips carelessly
Selfishly
Cradled by bones
beating and palpitating
Irregularly
As I age and live another day
Without you
The facade of my life
Surrounds you
You’ll drown in reckless
Abandonment

I can’t breath
I have to remind myself
To take deep breaths
It’s going to hurt
7 days
And I feel worse
I’ve learned my lesson
Be myself and forget about
Impressions
My anxiety caused you to flee
I’ve been crying
It does nothing for me
Rejection is a journey
I’m gonna hurry so I can
Relax

I liked you a lot
but
loved you close to me
Intensified by inability to pull you
Closer
with my nylon rope
(you later severed)
You felt it
tightly wrapped around the burden on your shoulders
It’s as if you’re heavier than my
presence
Your gravity is drawing me closer to
Acceptance

I turn over in bed
Oh!
There it is
My head bleeding
Next to my heart
Barely beating
Enough pumps to
Keep me believing
The words you said

Heavy enough

They crush me
I typically like to
Feel your weight
Not today
Not in verse
You’re the worst

Part
Of me

Alone and
My heart pounds as I lay in bed
Fancying things you would say to me
If your body was close enough to care
I shared, not enough
I should have spoken up
I would’ve seemed
interesting
that you admitted you lied
Free meetings and quick goodbyes
I forgot to mention
What I intended to do
Savor
you
initially forgot to keep it cut and dry
No resolution or answers as to why
I googled: “How do you forget someone?”
Backspace...backwards...No solution...
I’m stuck with memorializing you
The cornerstones of your tomb will be built with my desires

I can smell the rain
It smells like it use to
That time I met  
You
Wearing your smile
Big
&
Proud
You’re sleeping with the lights on
&
I cant help you find yourself
It’s easier to navigate in the dark
Don’t want to risk
Spilling
More blood on a napkin

You won't be scared to
Tell me you're not okay
You will say:
"Don't go."
As I gather my things
With every intention
To fall apart on
The ride home
My home that was shown
In the dark
and
when it was
Silent
Your violent
Rages of wavering
Sympathy
Are always with me
You thought you were
Teaching me...
I taught you
That reservation is for
The strong
It's okay to be wrong
And
You are loved
Shove
me under your
Shade and be brave

There’s a fire burning
I smell the betrayal
Disintegrated feelings
Float away
They’re moving on
At the rate
The smoldering
ashes cover my white car
There’s a fire burning
As I’m tormented
By
My relationships
OR
Lack there of

It’s okay
You’re my friend
I kept your hoodie
That I slept in
It’ll stay in my trunk
Where I threw it
The night I gave you your shirts
And your jackets
I couldn’t give them to you alone
I told her to stay
I knew you’d want it that way
My heart is laden with missing you
As I wipe my tears away
With the sleeve of my jacket that resembles yours
We were too much
too quickly

I have to take a shower
I don’t want to
I’d rather run down the
Streets of my current
Town
I’ll get blisters on my sore feet
Maybe you’ll be waiting for me
As I turn a corner
I can run into your arms
And
By the time I let go
You’ll have helped me to forget

You were missing

Ad after ad
I have searched for you
I campaign against my own current
The salty and tumultuous times
Sweep me away
Further from your home
Where you roam

without me

My phone is at the bottom of the river
Along with the letters
I wrote to you
I pray that the water
Washes away
The words that hurt
To say out loud
I'm too proud
I'll let my ego
Drown my doubts
And
You'll sift through
My filthy clothes
Drenched with woven
Uneven patterns
stitched
By
You.

After sometime
But
Right before the  
Rope is severed

You swing and falter
As the winds of your
Mistakes
Rush by

This has an end
You said you'd
wait
And I could begin
again
With my words used
As
Anchors

I like picking up where you left me off
Unfortunately
I feel that I need your
Validation
Every time I open one of your snaps
it’s like a mini celebration
And it’s a one to two word response
Not worth the
anticipation
Not worth the anxiety of not knowing
If you’ll ever respond
The amount you care shows
I was starting to think that maybe
you were the one
asking “where are you?” as I laid alone
holding myself
as I always do.
Tell me Goodbye.

I’ve been slightly jabbed
blindsided
I was thrown a curve ball by your enthusiastic behavior
It was mesmerizing
I think I know what it’s like to be pinned on your wall, by your hand
The agony they must feel
When you turn around, and go in for the ****
I’m
barely good enough for the thrill
White lies from the good guy that is never caught
as he tries to cure an insatiable hunger
I’m walking away

I suppose I'll find you in the darkest corners of my existence

Resisting the urge to let go
And
be needed

My happiness does not want
Your words
They will be taken unheeded

As predicted

These countless
propositions mean little
To the girl who wants
You
unafflicted
And
without scars

I'll tell you that I love you
I fell for you the day
You secretly watched me
As I gazed at you lovingly
Between
Your fingers
I slipped
A friend noted
That there is love there
Something substantially
Real
As real as you being taken
And I watch her take you
Further
Tell her she's broken and insecure
Run back to me
And
Reassure these feelings
Tell me that my body
Is
Just fine
You can drink away every
God awful
Memory
I'll mend your spirit with
Mine

Tell me to shut up, give up and move on
It’s possible to shove me out of the door
that’s apparent.
You could have told me
You didn’t want me, or that I’m not what you’re looking for
It’s not hard
Let me take care of you
but
I can’t, Cuz I’m a mess
as my heart breaks and suggests
I miss you.
you’re cruel
Don’t tell you me you’ve been crying
Because you’re stressed
When you know you can come here
And lay your head on my chest
I’ll hold you until your eyes close, as
I
run my fingers through your hair.

Tell me to shut up, give up and move on.
let me go.

It's cold in my room
The lack of warmth
Reminds me
Of the slowly
Escaping heat
From the baseboard
Heaters

Sweaters, and blankets
Piled on the couch

I was...
HOME
The last four walls
I ran away from

All the while

I'm still chasing
Walls that will hold
Me