You were never supposed to get hurt
Over and over again,
Falling into the same pattern
With no end in sight.

You weren’t supposed to let him hurt you,
Yet you did anyways.
You always go back to him,
Even when he constantly shows you he hasn’t changed.

You’re supposed to hold the thing that kills you,
But not give it the power to ****.
Yet, he held the gun,
And you pulled the trigger.

I tried to be there for you,
You told me you wouldn’t go back,
You said you wouldn’t make the same mistake,
Yet here we are again.

It pains me to see you in pain,
To see you fighting back the tears,
I hate what he’s done to you,
And I hate that you’ve let him do it.

You’ve given him the power.
Every time you forgive him,
He wins, and you’ll lose once again.
He is the thing that will **** you,
And you, you are his willing victim.

– The thing that kills you // F.C.

What is an antagonist?
The definition of an antagonist is the villain or person who challenges the hero/ protagonist
Which one are you?
Are you a protagonist?
Or are you an antagonist?

I am an antagonist.
But the worst part of being an antagonist is being your own antagonist
I am the antagonist in my story

You would think you would be the hero of your own story
That’s not the case for me
I am my own villain
I am my own worst nightmare

The scariest part about this nightmare is that when I wake up my nightmare doesn’t go away.
It lingers every hour of every day never leaving my side
My nightmare is in my head and I can’t escape it
I am my own worst nightmare.

How can you escape your demons, when you are your own demons?
How can you escape yourself?
Could someone please let me know?
I feel like I’m drowning in my own mind
How do I escape?

When you are the antagonist of your own story
Life isn’t as easy as it may seem
It becomes 10x harder
How can I escape myself?
How do I become the protagonist?
How do I stop living in this nightmare?
When will I wake up and not be afraid of my own mind?
I long for that day.

– Antagonist // F.C.

Sometimes I wish I was a bird.
I would be able to fly away.
Not deal with any problems.
Not feel any stress.
Not know any fear.
Not a care in the world.

Sometimes I wish I was a bird
So I can avoid the ****** people,
So I can fly high above the clouds,
Feel the tension leave my body,
Feel the wind beneath my wings,
I can soar.          

Sometimes I wish I was a bird
I can see the world from a new view
Everything looks so small up here
I'm sure I look small too.
I certainly feel small.
I'm insignificant.

Sometimes I wish I was a bird
I can fly away from everything.
Instead of migrating for a season,
I'll migrate for a lifetime.
Leave this world behind me.
Leave everything in the past.

Simply, because I am a bird.

– Birds // F.C.

There are many different people in this world, some good, some bad, and some without a certain path.

I have come across these people and many others in my lifetime, although my lifetime is only a small period of 17 years I have experienced a lot.

I will not preach to you and say how my life is all gumdrops and fairy tales because that would simply be a lie.

However I am not going to say my life is all glum and dark all the time, because it’s not.

I feel like I can’t easily describe myself.

I am complex, to say the least.

Many people can easily tell you who they are and will start listing their hobbies, and favourite colours and movies, but does that really describe who there are as a person?

I could quickly tell you I love superheroes and scary movies.

I could say I love Harry Potter and Disney.

I could tell you how much I hate cliché sappy love movies, or love in general.

I could mention how I hate fake people and do not tolerate liars.

I could sit here for hours and tell you things I like and don’t like, and although those things are true, they do not describe me as a person.

So,

Who am I?

I ask myself this question at least twice a day with the same answer haunting me day and night;

I don’t know.

From the things I have described to you, you could assume I was a nerd, rebel, emo, a narcissist, a crazed fan, someone who has been hurt in the past, a human.

But how would you know for sure?

If I don’t know what I am, then how would you?

All of those things are true and at the same time none of them are.

How can people so easily tell me; “Well you’re obviously human being”

How do you know for sure?

I don’t feel human most of the time.

Does that make me an alien?

I don’t know, but I’m sure you’d be able to quickly tell me I am not an alien and try to prove me wrong.

I’d agree with you, I am not an alien.

But what am I?

If I don’t know what I am, then please explain how you feel you can define me as a person just by your opinion?

What gives you a right to judge me?

My worth is not defined by your judgements and opinions of me.

So please stop acting like it is.

Why do people feel the need to give me ***** looks on the street or in the hallways?

You may think I don’t notice you chuckling to yourself before whispering nasty things to your friends.

But please know as you snicker with your friends and mock me, I am well aware of what you are doing, but I do not have the energy to waste my breath on people who don’t matter.

Even as I write this, people snicker, and point

They stare and laugh, then they whisper to their friend and then they both laugh at my expense.

What have I done to wrong them?

Nothing.

Simply a bystander in my own life.

I feel like an outsider, looking in watching day by day to see what will happen next, but not being able to change anything.

I know of course if I want to do something I can just do it, but I feel as if I have no control over my own life.

Just living as a minor character in someone else’s story.

When will I get to be the protagonist in my own story?

When will I figure out who I am?

I don’t know who I am as a person and I fear I may never know.

People come and go in life and each of them leave behind a valuable lesson to learn from.

My friends have shaped me to be the person I am today, and even though I don’t know who that is yet, it would have been a much longer journey without their presence.

The people I hate have also played a part in making me the person I am today, showing me I need to always have my walls built high and strong so no one can break them.

They have showed me to never let my guard down.

The people who snicker and stare as I walk down the streets or hallways have showed me I don’t even have to say or do anything for people to judge me.

They showed me to stay silent and not to bother trying to explain myself to little minded people.

So I may not know who I am and I may never know

But at least I know who I can trust and who not to waste my time on.

These people have showed me that my words can be beautifully written and poorly spoken.

– Words that are Beautifully Written but Poorly Spoken // F.C.

Do you ever get those feelings of worthlessness?

Or those feelings that you could've tried harder?

What about those feelings that make you just want to crawl in a hole and die?

How about the feelings that you are ugly and you hate what you see in the mirror?

Most people have experienced at least one of these feelings at one point in their lives.

I experience them every day.

I wake up in the mornings dreading to get out of bed, not just because I'm a lazy teenager who doesn't get enough sleep.

But because I am tired.

I'm tired of always feeling worthless.

I'm tired of hating the reflection the mirror shows me.

I'm tired of constantly thinking 'if I had just tried a little harder I wouldn't be a failure.'

I'm tired of wanting to hide away in my room forever, so people can't judge me.

And yes, I'm tired for the obvious reason of lack of sleep.

What I don't understand is why people feel the need to make others feel worse about themselves to make themselves feel better.

Do you really get a satisfactory feeling after putting someone in a ****** mood and ruining their day?

If so, you need to take a long hard look at yourself and your values.

Should we not as a society encourage people to be their best and help one another rather than conforming to social standards and mocking them if they aren't wearing the latest fashion or how big their bodies are?

We mock and tease people because of what they wear, the way they look, the colour of their skin, the size of their bodies, the amount or lack of makeup they wear, their relationships, their hair, shoes, nails, eyebrows, age, gender, sexuality, acne, wealth, weight.

But we never see people going around telling people how great they look, how beautiful their smile is, how wonderful they are to have around, or how happy we are that they were placed on this earth.

We are so quick to judge others just by a quick glance, jumping to conclusions without a second thought.

We are so quick to blame society for our problems, but we tend to forget; we ARE society.

We complain how society has ruined us and it is an injustice.

We complain how society depicts women and men.

We complain that society has given us unrealistic expectations of men,
women, school, jobs, living, and people in general.

Who are we without society?

We are humans living in a world without each other.

We ARE society so WE have the power to change it!

We cannot sit around and wait for things to get better without working for them.

We have to take what we want in this life, we have to change our ways of living to see the results we seek, and we have to change our perspective of others to change their perspectives on us. Nobody is going to hand you things in this life, so work for the changes you want to see.

We don’t know anything about one another until we sit down and talk to each other.

Don’t be so quick to judge me on my looks, body, hair, makeup, clothes, and lifestyle when you know nothing about me other than what you want to see.

I promise you I am so much more than what you perceive me to be.

Don’t judge others when you know nothing about them. In fact don’t judge others, period.

So again I will say, I am tired.

I am tired of the way people look at me when I walk down the street.

I am tired of the way people treat me without knowing a **** thing about me.

I’m tired of hearing people call me fat.

I’m tired of walking up and feeling worthless.

I’m tired of feeling like there is absolutely nothing left to live for in this horrid, judgmental world.

I am tired of hating my body.

I am tired of hating myself.

I am tired of having a simple black line drawn on my eyelid control how I feel about myself.

I am tired of constantly worrying what others think of me.

I am tired of believing that I am ugly.

I am tired of constantly feeling like people are judging me.

I am just tired, plainly, simply, tired.

I. Am. Tired.

– I'm Tired // F.C.