The House I Grew Up In Is
Where my sisters first learned to walk
Where we had birthday parties and tickle fights
Where I climbed every tree in our yard
Where I learned how to ride and love a horse
Where things were good for the first few months

The House I Grew Up In Is
Where I developed Depression, Anxiety, and PTSD
Where my mother would go out to our car and cry hoping that I wouldn't see her
Where screaming matches were a daily occurrence
Where the phrase "Grab your sisters go to your room and barricade the door" was used more than twice a week
Where my step father cut down my favorite tree while I stood and cried as I watched it go down
Where my step father would pretend that he really cared, but only after he made her cry
Where my mother finally gave up on loving him
Where I had to yell "Don't touch her!" at the top of my lungs for him to let go of my mother
Where I found myself hate a man more than a seven year old ever should be able of

The House I Grew Up In Is
Where I learned that my mother was stronger than I ever thought
Where I found that I could handle things I shouldn't have had to
Where I learned that protecting my sisters will forever be my job

The House I Grew Up In Is Where I Realized That The World Is Never Fair Even To Those Who Deserve It Most

If my love were a light,
there would be no dark
                                                            ­                           Until infinity ends
If my love were a wall,
it would be unbroken, unmovable,
and forever standing
                                                        ­                            From heaven to hell
If my love were a history,
it would be unknowable & beyond
understanding
                                            ­                                   To the moon and back
If my love were a song,
it would be a perfect masterpiece,
only played for you
                                                            B­ecause nothing else matters    
And it's all about us.


Y̶o̶u̶ ̶w̶r̶o̶t̶e̶ ̶t̶h̶i̶s̶ ̶p̶o̶e̶m̶ ̶f̶o̶r̶ ̶m̶e̶ ̶s̶o̶ ̶l̶o̶n̶g̶ ̶a̶g̶o̶ ̶I̶ ̶f̶o̶r̶g̶o̶t̶ ̶t̶h̶a̶t̶ ̶I̶ ̶e̶v̶e̶n̶ ̶h̶a̶d̶ ̶i̶t̶.̶ ̶R̶e̶a̶d̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶i̶t̶ ̶n̶o̶w̶ ̶r̶e̶m̶i̶n̶d̶s̶ ̶m̶e̶ ̶o̶f̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶g̶o̶o̶d̶ ̶t̶i̶m̶e̶s̶ ̶w̶e̶ ̶h̶a̶d̶ ̶t̶o̶g̶e̶t̶h̶e̶r̶.̶ ̶I̶'̶m̶ ̶s̶o̶r̶r̶y̶ ̶d̶e̶a̶r̶ ̶t̶h̶a̶t̶ ̶I̶ ̶c̶o̶u̶l̶d̶n̶'̶t̶ ̶l̶o̶v̶e̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶ ̶m̶o̶r̶e̶.̶ ̶B̶u̶t̶ ̶n̶o̶w̶ ̶m̶a̶y̶b̶e̶ ̶t̶h̶i̶s̶ ̶n̶e̶w̶ ̶l̶o̶v̶e̶ ̶o̶f̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ ̶w̶i̶l̶l̶ ̶l̶o̶v̶e̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶ ̶i̶n̶ ̶a̶l̶l̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶w̶a̶y̶s̶ ̶I̶ ̶c̶o̶u̶l̶d̶n̶'̶t̶.̶

I personally
Don't believe that
Someone can fall in love
At first sight

I think that
Maybe just maybe
Someone can fall in love
At first conversation

Because that's
Possibly what
Happened
To me
And
  ...

He has this
Way with words
He can cause
My thoughts to spin
And my heart to
Pick up speed.

He has this
Way with me
He can make
Me melt in his hands
With a simple look.

He has this
Way with love
He makes me
Fall over and over
Again

He just has
This way.

People often say that
One needs to cut the apron
Strings that attach them to their mothers.
Though they aren't real apron strings,
It's simply a metaphor for letting go.

Personally I believe that we have yarn Strings or maybe chain links that Attach us to the people we love.

Possibly we have strings for those
In our lives that arethe beginnings of Love or the people we hold special to Us, like our friends or our former Loves.

And maybe we have chain links that Forever attach us to the people we Love. I heard once that if you truly fall In love with someone you never really Stop loving them.

I have chain links and yarn strings
Around my heart. I wonder if you're a Chain link or a yarn strings.

You reached out
Into the night sky
Intending to hold
Starlight in your hands
But intentions don't
Always go as planned
You crushed those stars
With your bruised hands

Your eyes meet mine
Across the abyss
  I can no longer read the message
Written in your eyes
  You talk about hope and
Finding a light in the dark
  But I know none of its true,
Because you pushed me
  And my light away
But when you said those things
  Your eyes met mine and
We connected for a split second
  It was like making
Eye contact with the dead.

I was consumed by him
  it felt like inhaling smoke
    the more I tried to breathe
the more I just breathe him in
  for my love was like fire
    it consumed everything it touched
but he was the one who took my
  match
    and smothered out its flame
so now I'm left to only inhale smoke
  I am a girl with smoke filled lungs
    and a dying ember for a heart

You are frustrating
You're stuck in a mess
That you alone created
Only you can solve the
Problems you have.
Why do you insist on
Making things worse
For yourself?

How many girls
Like/love you?
How many do you
ACTUALLY have
Those kind of
Feelings for?

Maybe that's
The problem
You need to figure out
How you really feel
About yourself
And the girls
That you've brought
Into your life.

I want to run away
From all my problems
I want to give up
I want to curl up into myself
And cry until it doesn't hurt anymore
When you decided you didn't want me
It hurt and still does but
I can get over you
When I left him I still loved him
And I think I always will
That's why this hurts so much
I need someone to hold me
And tell me that eventually
Someone won't break my heart
That I will love someone
Who actually wants to be loved
I don't think I can take
This pain any longer
My chest hurts
I can't breathe
I feel like lying in bed
Till the world ends
Because my depression
Is telling me thats all
That I can do
So maybe
I'll just
Give up

Blue.. You were blue the blinding shade of a mid summers sky

Cold.. You were the cold breeze that pushed its way threw my fingers and into my hair

Broken.. You are broken like a vase that crashed over,spilling water and flowers onto the hardwood floor of our love

We were messed up kids
With messed up families
Who desperately needed someone who cared
We were addicts
Just as bad as the people who raised us
But we were addicted to each other
The attention, the need
We loved each other
But hated ourselves
That's why it worked so well

We had a secret club houses
Deep in the woods
Where no one would find us
Make believe worlds
Held together with shoe strings and branches
Curfew was something we never listened to
Because being together was way better than
Being home.

I miss being a little kid
Running threw those woods
Holding on to sweaty hands
Going to get snacks with food stamps
Never wanting to be home
I miss my life as it was
Gardens growing out of plastic blue bins
Little sisters being annoying
Best friends who never left my side
Friends I never thought I’d lose.

I’m happy that I have these memories
Because life couldn’t continue the way it was
12 years olds out till 1 am
Parents who didn’t care
Self harm and depression that increased daily
Relationships broken and people lost.

I’m older now and life goes on
Even now that I have none of them at my side
I still love them and wish for the days that felt
Like they’d never end.

I once thought that
You were my
Guardian angel
An angel meant to protect me

But maybe I was yours
Instead of you being mine
Your beautiful angel
Someone who truly cared for you

Which is true my dear?
Are you my angel
Or am I yours?

I hope neither of us get hurt this time
But I guess we'll see won't we?

I have been high off of "Mary Jane"

But nothing compared to the high

That comes when his hands firmly

Grasp my wrists and places them

Above my head as he leaves a trail of

Soft kisses down my torso

This is the type of high that comes once in a life time

A high that keeps the world turning

And this fire inside me constantly burning.

Simply put
I'm sorry

I don't want
You to change
Who you are

I just wanted
You too pick
Me

But that won't
Ever happen.

I'm sorry
Maybe one day
You'll forgive me
And I won't
Be a smothering
Snowstorm

this feeling is one that I find hard to explain because \
I tend to feel nothing for you when I'm with him\
But once I'm alone I think of you and my heart starts to ache\
I want nothing more than to stop having feelings for someone\
I know will never again love me back\

Cold hard drops of rain
It makes me think of you
  I stood in the rain until I couldn't take the cold anymore
It's like cold hands on hot skin
But with rain and already cold skin
   It felt great because I'm cold
Emotionally cold
I can't function correctly right now
  Because my mind refuses to get off the subject of you
Its like my mind is stuck in a constant loop
Cold rain
  On cold skin
    Sad and refreshing
        At the same time.

I've been thinking about
The characteristics of
Life and Death

Life has a pair of sad grey eyes,
Death's shoulders are littered with freckles,
Life has a beautiful smile
Death has bruised arms,

And they both have a beaten and broken heart.

thin lines cover
pale smooth skin
releasing crimson tears
and taking the pain away

let the rain wash
the sin from my
body and the clutter
from my mind

L e t  i t  e n d  w h e r e  i t  i s

I have always given my heart away to freely
Giving it to any boy who tells me I'm pretty
I locked it up never to be given away
But he has a lock pick and is trying steadily to open me
It's getting hard to keep him out

But I'm scared..
What if he doesn't really love me?

Cause you see
I've done this before
Sat here at this table of past lovers

But I can think clearly now
Look back on my mistakes and realize
That you'll never be one of them

I rarely have long conversations
I want to talk for hours about all the things I love
But the last time I did
It didn't go so well
I want someone to care about all the weird
Things that I talk about.

I want to have long conversations
About life and what happens after we die
About poetry and art
About love and heartache
About how it feels to be yourself around someone
When you barely no them.

The conversations I've had with complete strangers
Happen to be the best ones
To talk about the little things about yourself
To talk about the things they know nothing about
When you can tell the complete and total truth
And no one judges you because they secretly know
Exactly how you feel.

I want to have long conversations
I don't care who there with
Just someone who will listen.

You are a piece of art
in the simplest kind of ways

Even brush strokes
Across a blank canvas

Dark shades blended
To hide the imperfections on your soul

Warm tones used
To bring out the smallest fragments of light

With a matte finish
Brought together the best parts of each other

You are a piece of art
In the simplest kind of ways

Am i ready for this?
This escape from the life i live?
Am i ready to be all on my own,
In a world i know will hate me?
I guess my answer is
Maybe

If I have to leave you
With something before I go
I will leave you with this

When it rains
Let it remind you of me

Let the sound of rain falling
onto a tin roof
Remind you of the times when we would
try to sing louder than the thunder roaring
in the sky above

Let the feeling of cold rain
Washing down your face
Remind you of the times we danced
In the cold showers that came in early spring

Let the yellow street lights
Remind you of the times when
We took long walks in the rain to
Talk about all the little things

Let the rain
Be a reminder of all
The good things that came with me
When I entered your life

Let the rain
Remind you of me

Because it reminds
Me of You...

I can see my breathe
                  And it lets me know
                                             That I'm alive.

It's good to feel alive
   Even when you feel like there's
      A whole in your chest where your
            Heart is supposed to be.

I'll be fine or maybe even okay
  But right now I feel like
      The world is crashing down
         And maybe some shrapnel will
            Fall just right and hit me
               But I have to remember that
                  I'll probably be okay one day

I can see my breathe it looks
   Like tiny puffs of misty air
      And it lets me know that I'm still
          Alive.

Sitting here in the dense moonlight
I can finally admit to myself that
I never truely loved you

But for sometime i needed you
Someone who knew my pain all to well,

You

A boy who had a fragile heart
And a bruised soul

Thank you
For loving me the way i needed
As your friend.

i am afraid to breathe
i am afraid to think
i am afraid to feel.

i can hear myself breathing
its almost suffocating.

i wish the battle in my mind
would come to a ceasefire
so that i could stop drowning
in my thoughts.

P h y s i c a l l y  T o u c h  M e  A n d
I t s  I n s t a n t  E l e c t r i c i t y
T r y  T o  T o u c h  M y  M i n d  A n d
I t s  I n s t a n t  S t a t i c
T r y  T o  G e t  M e  T o  F e e l  A n d
Y o u ' l l  F i n d  N o t h i n g

B e c a u s e  I  A m A̶̷̸m̶̷̸b̶̷̸e̶̷̸r̶̷̸

̶P̶h̶y̶s̶i̶c̶a̶l̶l̶y̶ ̶T̶o̶u̶c̶h̶ ̶M̶e̶ ̶A̶n̶d̶
̶W̶a̶t̶c̶h̶ ̶M̶e̶ ̶S̶h̶y̶ ̶W̶a̶y̶
̶T̶r̶y̶ ̶T̶o̶ ̶T̶o̶u̶c̶h̶ ̶M̶y̶ ̶M̶i̶n̶d̶ ̶A̶n̶d̶
̶W̶a̶t̶c̶h̶ ̶M̶e̶ ̶C̶h̶a̶n̶g̶e̶
̶T̶r̶y̶ ̶T̶o̶ ̶G̶e̶t̶ ̶M̶e̶ ̶T̶o̶ ̶F̶e̶e̶l̶ ̶A̶n̶d̶
̶Y̶o̶u̶'̶l̶l̶ ̶B̶e̶ ̶O̶v̶e̶r̶w̶h̶e̶l̶m̶e̶d̶ ̶

̶B̶e̶c̶a̶u̶s̶e̶ ̶I̶ ̶A̶m̶ ̶ O̶̷̸c̶̷̸t̶̷̸o̶̷̸b̶̷̸e̶̷̸r̶̷̸

PHYSICALLY TOUCH ME AND
YOU'LL SEE MY FIST
TRY TO TOUCH MY MIND AND
YOU'LL RUN AWAY IN FEAR
TRY TO GET ME TO FEEL AND
YOU'LL SEE WHAT YOU WANT TO SEE

BECAUSE I AM S̶̷̸T̶̷̸E̶̷̸L̶̷̸L̶̷̸A̶̷̸

Physically touch me and
Be ready for to much love
Try to touch my mind and
Be ready to cry a little
Try to get me to feel and
You'll watch me feel nothing

Because I am S̶̷̸t̶̷̸e̶̷̸p̶̷̸h̶̷̸a̶̷̸n̶̷̸i̶̷̸e̶̷̸
And I am Numb