Today I am sad,
Sad for the girl who had dreams,
Sad cause it truly seems like they are slipping away,
Sad for the tears that stream down her face like drops of hope,
leaking from her being,
Hope that she could also have the life she wanted,
the life she wished,
Sad that with each sigh she only gets further and further away,
But mainly sad cause she can't be happy for the accomplishments of her loved ones.
That *****. She *****.

I think of you from time to time
You float into my mind like a whisper
A sliver of a life I wish I had
A sigh of a dream long faded

It's strange what we remember,
What memory decides to stay,
In the corner of our individual galaxy way.

In the midst of all the madness,
In the midst of a daily day,
With no expectations, you dropped my way.

Words were not shared, never to meet again,
Your dazzling smile stole my breathe away.
It was a fleeting moment, etched in my brain.

It's strange what is important,
A smell, a song, a way,
Being so small in this galaxy way.

Sweet Anticipation.
As the words escape my mouth,
Pouring out,
Revealing all the thoughts, all the fears,
All that is me.

I feel most vulnerable then,
Open as a book,
Exposed to the world,
Piercing glances, weird looks,
But with each thought on paper,
Word on song,
Each feeling expressed,
Emptiness gone,
There is no hesitation,
Its sweet anticipation.

As the words escape my mouth,
Pouring out,
I am at peace,
The ultimate release,
No care of being judged,
I won’t begrudge me,
This sweet anticipation.

And as I come to an end,
Last line sung,
I feel empty again,
Emotionally wrung,
I walk away,
Tears strolling down my cheek,
I miss the apprehension.
The sweet Anticipation.

No two relationships are the same, we are different people with....different people.
Who I am with my best friends is different from who I am at work,
And so when someone leaves, they take that person with them.

What I miss the most of you leaving, is that person. That me.
That girl, who was carefree and silly and real.
Who was hyper and loud and herself.

But I would loose a thousand such people, if that means you could breathe again,
I miss you each and everyday.
And just you being alive and well, would be everything, irregardless of if I could be alive with you.

Now I just hope you are in a better place,
Because that's the least you deserve.
You were good people.

You seeped into my life like paint blotched into water
faded and frivolous.
Your warm yellow and green surrounding me with
smiles and laughter.
Cautious and caring, carefree and cocky
Painting me in acceptance, friendship and companionship.
Each dip of the brush, staining my soul with more vivid hope
Slowly questioning the significance of it all.
And just as slowly as you dripped into the crevice of my cracks
Just as fast you faded into the murky blue realm.
Leaving me with wistful sighs, unfinished lines and hazy dreams,
An unfinished masterpiece. If Only?

I want to be able to write words,
Words, that like ocean waves ebb and flow and whose frothy white residue covers your feet and makes you wiggle your toes
Words, that like a warm hug engulf you in the depths of love, of care, of hope, rescuing you from the mundane reality of life
Words, that like a melody transport you to a field of yellow lilies, arms wide spread, whose carpet you lie on.
Words, that drown out the cacophony of the fake and incessant world and allow the hush lull of day break to fully wake you from your slumber.
Words, that become you more than you, because words are all I have to give. My words.

Do you sometimes feel that you need to get it all out but words evade you?

That it's not the lack of feeling but the overwhelming amount of it that chokes you, suffocates you, clouds the mind - leaving you incapacitated to form any sense of coherent thought.

That if you could just get it all out like you wanted to, you would not only feel better but you would love it.
Love your words, your thoughts, yourself.

Even if what you write is not beautiful but ugly.
Tarnished by age, jaded by thought, but more you then you itself.

If you could let the vessel overflow, unhindered. Let the dam finally burst so that you are left with a void, an emptiness you can fill again?

If only for a day, I long for that new beginning.

I use,
Drugs to make me numb,
Alcohol to make me fun,
Laughter to hid the tears,
Jokes to hid the fears,
Talking to dull the thoughts,
Walking to run away,
Crying to feel the pain,
Lying to start all over again.

Slowly struggling into oblivion
A never ending circle of despair.

Sometimes its fine to cry. I tell myself that.
It’s fine to feel alone, hopeless and lost.  
It’s fine to doubt yourself and people in your life.
To question everything you know and believe in.

They say that its in moments where you are really struggling you realise who your true friends are.
Who you reach out to. Who reaches out to you. Who cares. Really cares. Like really really cares.
Movies and books have instilled in me how a friend should be.
A good friend. A real friend. A true friend.
You know someone who makes your problems there own.

But in real life does that happen and the real question here is - do you do that?  And you know the answer to that.
You don’t .
Then how can you expect others to.
How?

Pick up the pieces love, the crumbs of yourself.
Put them together and create a new you.
I know it's been hard and that is life, you know.
So be strong and pick yourself up and let's go!

Today I write and that's ok.
It's ok that it's taken me so long to put pen to paper,
To truly want to venture back into this murky mind,
To try to uncover, rehash, penetrate,
Why I feel this way,
the mess that this mind has become.

It's ok for me to be riddled with anxiety,
to leave cause I'm scared of who I might meet,
of whose judgements I will fall short off,
Of whose scanning gaze will dismiss me once again,
for I'm stuck in a town where I will never change.
Or at least what I believed of me.

But then again is this just my anxiety,
whispering sardonic words into my psyche,
making me question every word that leaves my mouth and my mind,
Is it ok to feel this clutching sense of inadequacy, loneliness, emptiness, numbness?
Am I not trying enough? Do I need to be better?
I do.

Putting pen to paper, putting meaning to words
Slowly trying to accept that paper planes of life will fall
To the waste side of the real and all that will be left
Will be the smoke of years that were more and still less
Trying to tightly grasp on to the idea of brimming
As emptiness is usually the blanket covering my frail identity
Butterfly spread your wings and fly
Wow, english you betray me.

When I was young I thought, life was all rainbows and smiles,
In a way, I knew then itself, I was lying.
As I grew up and became more me, Rainbows changed to grey skies and smiles to rain.
The parents I loved, started to crumble,
My mom a shadow of her former self.
And to be honest, I let them both down, especially her.

And as years went by and 30 drew close,
The disappointments grew, the indifference, the hate, the melancholy,
I just wanted to stop.
But still so guilt ridden, for thinking this thought, cause from outside I had it all.

Why do you have what you have? Why do you get what you get?
Why do you make of it what you do? Why do you stop?

I just don't belong anywhere.
I don't even belong to myself.
What a mess.

No, No, No, No,No,
I get you girl.
You are strong and you are beautiful and I love you.
There is nothing wrong with you. Nothing.
What you believe in matters, what you feel matters.
This is not in your head, your thoughts matter.
Who you are MATTERS.
Believe it. Everyday.
Tell your daughters, tell your sisters, tell your mom.
Tell your wife, tell your lover, tell that stranger on the bus.
YOU MATTER. WE MATTER.

I lost a friend. He was way too young.
Way way too young, you see.
And he was the best boy. The best a boy can be.

He was kind and funny. Quirky and smart.
He was deep and thoughtful, complex and caring.
Always a smart line, a witty remark,
Quick to love and total spirit of sharing.

I'm in a state of disbelief.
I can't truly feel the loss that I should perceive.
The pain it's under the surface, struggling to get out
But the heart just won't allow for the reality to seep.

I want to mourn this loss.
To cry for the friend, confidant, family gone.
But to lament is to believe, believe he has truly left the world, you see.
And that is unfathomable a pain, I don't want to conceive.

And now what is left is a constant dull ache,
a longing for his words, his laugh, his wisdom and his face,
No one can ever match or take his place,
This void is just too great.

I lost a friend yesterday. He was way too young.
Way way too young, you see.
And he was the best boy. The best a boy can be.

A mix of arousal and tears,
A mix of wanting and fears,
A mix of needing and lacking,
A mix of beauty and sadness,
Never enough.

Exhaustion to the Bone.
That's what this has become.
No more. Finish. End. Period.
Next?

Like meandering paths down my face, these emotions seep through,
The heart is overflowing, restraint long gone,
I am grateful for this escape from the cave of inadequacy,
Engulfed by my failures, thoughts and disappointments is the worst death.

The wrinkles, the lines, the journeys we've had,
Etched around our eyes, lips, forehand and hands,
Conveys so much more then words can do,
about the story of me and you.
The love that we've won, the magic that we've lost,
The dreams that have become and the ones that we've not.
The failures and the falls, the rises and the soars,
The laughter and the tears, the misses and the fears.
Lets embrace these scars, lets hold them close,
Lets wear them proudly, like royal cloaks,
They are more us than us can be, they are truly our identity.

I want to thank you family, for loving me entirely.

I want to thank you society, for accepting this man.

I want to thank you friend, for overlooking the flaws.

I want to thank you lover, for always holding on.

I want to thank you stranger, for that kind smile.

I want thank you religion, for wisdom and guile.

But most of all I want to thank, me, myself, I, for still having hope when the above lie.

As I twist and turn and claw and squirm to fit in,
I know for sure that life is more then just existing.

And as we look into a mirror and see it looking back,
Over days and months and years, the face is all that we lack.

But get up my girl, the heart it says.
For life is just this beautiful mess.

Your mind is what you seem to see,
When the heart should be eternity.

Loving myself is so hard but loving you is clear,
But loving myself should be like, loving you my dear.

What makes you easier to love, what makes you special, man?
Why is the smile on your face better then where I stand.

Is it just the lack of love for me that shows outside,
or is it you who has me fooled for another guy?

If you don't love yourself girl, no one will love you back.
The preachers preach on deaf ears 'cause the minds clouded the facts.

I want to love myself one day, to fully accept.
All the flaws, the fat, the fake, the unruly and the jest.

To break the shackles, to fly free to truly believe,
that god has made us equally, all of you and me.