The left side of the pillow is wet
The front of his shirt is wet
Moms purple handkerchief is wet
But I cannot tell you why the tears fall
There is no specific time, date or ambiance for them
They fall continuously
Sometimes when I am standing in front of the stove
Standing in front of the door wondering if I should walk in or walk away
Sometimes they feel cool cascading down my cheeks
Other times hot to the touch and stinging
It’s a relief to spill them
Other times it happens on the spot
Ruining my made-up face
My composure
A splitting headache follows right after
It leaves me feeling weak for a few hours to a few days
Makes me feel cold
A cold I cannot shake off
I have gone to see a doctor or 3
She said its happening because of stress
He said I need more exercise and proper sleep
Ma says its because I have really bad time management skills a husband, a home and homework is tough to handle
Dad thinks its because hubby and I don’t communicate enough
Truthfully, we do but he doesn’t get me
My lips move and the sounds come out
But I feel stupid and more frustrated in the end
He cant put two and two together
He is always busy with his worldly affairs
I stay on my own most of the time
I prefer it that way
I hate crying in front of others
But I am still unable to tell you why

Oh I am so glad your leaving
I can finally sleep in till 10 over the weekends
I can stay up and study passed midnight without any disturbances
There will be no one there to criticize my food
My clothing and choice in shoes
Shame me about how I’ve gained 2 pounds in the last three months
I am free from your snide comments about my choice to continue my studies after marriage
I am free from your demanding ways
Stubborn nature
“Holier-then-thou” attitude
Best of all nobody will be hogging the couch or leave the toilet seat up!

“Whoa there”
“Slow down a bit and talk to me”
“ I just put a fresh cup of coffee”
“ the cookies are cooling”
“ The children can wait”
“ The dogs asleep by my feet”
“ Your office will still be there on the ground 5 minutes from now”
“ I think you boss is an ***”

My husbands gives me his famous smirk and places a kiss on top of my head

“ Look outside and see that its snowing”
“ Not that fairy-tale or night before Christmas kind of snow either”
“ I must leave now or else the kids wont get to school on time
“Drop the dog off at V’s”
“Yes It will still be there but I have a meeting in an hour”
“ I do think he is an first class ***”

He bites into my cookie and makes his way to the door.

Lifeline

He is blessed with all that his parents have provided him with
He did all that he could as the eldest son in the family
But life began when he met her…
She came into his life at ‘92
March 7th 1992 to be exact
It was all arranged
The elders knew best and the rest was up to them
He though she looked great draped in her fuchsia saree and green eye shadow
Maybe just a little on the thin side though
The wedding so no special affair
But he knew that he had married a special girl and he was the lucky one
She smiled all the time no matter what the weather was like outside
She always did what as asked of her and much more
She was a team player but quickly won all the hearts in the household
She was quiet and tad shy but always praise-worthy
She worked tirelessly
Cooked passionately
Love unconditionally
She faced many hardships till now
But did not let her patience waver one bit
Or let time erase any of the hope stored in her heart
For a better future
A brighter tomorrow
Away form unnecessary comparisons between other wives, back biting, complaints and exaggeration
Despite all that she never wiped the smile off her face
As months turned to years it got smaller but never completely faded away
She worked hard at creating a perfect house
Perfecting her cooking and artistic skills
Keeping the peace among other family members
While achieving all of that she also taught him a few things down the road
She taught him how to hold on to his temper when he was about to loose his cool
She taught him how to hold on to his patience when he become anxious and started talking *******.
She taught him how to hold hos tongue and swallow his pride
She taught him when to take a step back and when to stop talking
He still has not learnt that one yet!
She paid heed to his words whenever there was no one else to listen to him
She stood beside him when he was lost
He hated asking for directions
Together they spent 25 years together and I hope they get another 50 more
I am not sure how it all passed by
Mom kept it all together
But the house is empty now
Looking neglected and shabby without her touch
The food tastes bland
My father cannot sleep
His cycles have become broken and interrupted
My siblings hide themselves in the comfort of their rooms
Keep busy with school and work
But a locked door is not strong enough to block out the sounds of their muffled cries
We all hope and we all pray
But there is no telling when she will walk through that door and bring life into this house
Please come back soon Mom!

Model Material
5'6
Slim
blue-grey eyes
silver hair
yes its natural
turn to the left
turn to the right
curtsy
walk for me and smile with your eyes
do not wave
No room for mistakes
cover up that beauty spot,, yes the one right next to your lip
cute, but not what i am looking for
strut
stand next to the wall and
careful not to trip
hike up that skirt
and try these on for size
I wouldn't do that if I were you!
say no to coffee, wine and carbs
Bring your feet close together
tuck that in!
Push that out!

they are look so poised,
glorious in their million dollar get ups
But I just think it all sounds so painful

She has always hated taking pictures
says that she is not pretty enough for them
they don't come out right
I roll eyes
If only she saw what the rest of the world sees
I wish she would see all the things that I see and love

Perfectly naturally curled tresses touching her cheeks
glossed lips
and a smile full of peace and serenity

Exited smile, sparkling eyes
tendrils of reddish brown hair escaping from bun at the top of her head right after she has completed one of her 1 km runs

Messy bed head, bare skin and the sprinkle of freckles across of her nose and shoulders,
Who needs make up when you have all that?

Slick red hair, dangerous cat eyes, red lips
and stretchy black latex

She has no bad side

Long ponytail, black shades and killer smile
turn around
just this once

What is the secret to finding the balance between school and marital life?
Trading in your books, and schedule for a white dress and bouquet
Throwing caution to a possibly bright future and bending to all his wants and needs
Making room for babies and china instead of hour long lectures and lab reports
I am unable to find a balance between the two
Do I carry breakfast in one hand and a calculator in the other
Do I keep a spatula handy as well as a pencil tucked behind my ear
Do I stay up to look after a sick partner when everyone is asleep or spend that time to study for an upcoming test
Do I opt for a morning smoothie or a morning coffee because I missed the 6’o clock alarm
Do I sit there and take the time to memorize a three page essay or all of his favorite meals in alphabetical order
Do write out of 750 essay or write out shopping list and invoices
Do I paste fake smile and twinkle in the eye and wear that all day long even though I am boiling mad underneath
Do I babysit my mother-in-law 6 days a week or spend time catching up on last weeks homework
Do I sweep, clean and do laundry for the next two hours as well as I agonize over a test I have not yet studied for
Do I climb into bed with him at a reasonable hour or spend the next 8 hours on late night assignments till early in the morning
How do I find the balance in all this?
What do I do first and leave for last?
I am ready to throw in the towel as well as my favorite ball point pen!

The ivory page with the floral detailing stares back at me
waiting to be caressed the soft tip of a feather or pen
my array of colored ink and lead lay motionless on the mahogany desk
There is plenty going through this head of mine
but I am unable to write tonight
A simple sentence, stanza, song or story
the task of jotting down words, and forming sentences is too much for me
The letters do not flow, they have become scrambled up like alphabet soup
the sentences make no sense and are falling apart like my favorite pearl necklace
my voice is broken
The paper void of words, emotion and passion, is soaking up tears instead and the red ink has bleed into my fingers
Maybe some things are better left unsaid!

Mirror, Mirror on the wall
who is the most frazzled looking one of them all?
Would it be Me?
With my normally glorious caramel tinted hair looking like straw
My clear blue eyes bleary and unfocused
from too many cups of coffee and broken slumber
Blackish puffy eye lids void of ebony black kohl
Dark circles to really bring out the tiredness in me
I am out of cleanser, forgot the toner and there is no moisturiser in sight
I present to you dry ashy looking skin
I forget when I last smiled
but I have on a pair of chapped cracked lips
lipstick nor lip balm will help my case
Do you think he will notice?

I am sorry I took my hands for granted
They have done so much for me till now
They helped me with my chores
They helped me with my studies
They helped me get a job
They helped me look after my ailing parents
They helped me built a house
They helped me raise a family of four
They helped me sooth wounds and repair broken relationships
They helped me start my own bakery
They helped me maintain my marriage
They helped me when leo left and chose to spend the rest of his life behind bars
They helped me when the house and car was ceased by the bank
They helped me move into a smaller apartment
They helped me when my children moved far away from me and decided that they were too busy to make time for their mother
They helped me adopt a little girl
They helped me find love again in ex-football player who makes really good steak
They helped me heal when my daughter passed away in her sleep

They have helped me accomplish so much and have turned me into the woman I am today
I am sad to say that my hands look nothing like before
My elegant fingers and hands are rough and have swelled up over the years
They are bent from doing so much
I only wish that I was able to hold on to my husbands hands before the doctors wheel him into the ICU

Grey fur
Green eyes
Four paws
Adorable meow
Mischievous to the bone
Best friend for life

As I look down at the 6 pound Emily rose
Nestled in a pool cotton, color  and comfort
I cannot help but smile, but only a tiny one
She looks perfect
With her luxurious black curls
Sea green eyes and peachy looking skin
Too perfect for a world full of ugliness, deceit and double standards
What does it mean to be a girl today?

Will she have to fight to get a bigger meal or she be rewarded with leftover scraps?
Will she have to fight to get a proper chance at education or will she be handed a pan and dish rag and taught how to look after a house for the next 30 years or so?
Will she be able to attend school year round or be asked to stay at home because she is menstruating?
Will she be taught how to love her self, that smile, her curves and her big heart or will it all be destroyed under the weight of harsh cultural practices, criticism, peculiar beauty standards and what it means to the perfect woman?
Will her dreams and aspiration be worth something or is it just another reason for people to put her down or huff and puff at her idea of a bright future?
Will she able to attain a degree and make a difference in the world or will it all be for nothing and she will be asked to leave her home to enter another with the person the world has chosen for her?
Will her words and feeling be of any worth to the man whom she will call husband?
Will her family stand by her side when things become difficult?
Will she be happy with whom she is destined to be?

I cannot say and do not know for sure
I only pray that this world gives my child a chance at living

They were your favorite
Surprisingly enough mine too
It would always remind me of the blue sky
How we would spend hours upon hours
Under the blue sky
Just taking, sometimes eating
And almost always hand holding
We would give thanks for the smaller things in life
Like your blue-black curls
My goofy smile
Our togetherness
45 faithful years have passed since then
It really was not enough but I am mighty thankful to have spend them filled with your love, comfort and company
But today as I look up to the sky
I..
I have nothing to be thankful for
The mind is empty and my heart feels heavy
It feels like I am bleeding from the inside
You lie beneath my feet
And the air—
It smells like forget me not's!

He left
I stayed back
Wearing a mask made from pain, and grief from morning to night
Choking from all that wasted time, energy and potential
The potential to grow together as a couple
To travel the world and learn from eachother
We have clearly both moved on
but still…
He is probably flying from country to country with her fingers intertwined in his
While I still here in this chair old as time and reminiscing about a simpler time
Well.. it was simple in my head
When I thought I was happy with him
I thought about the big pink elephant that was always there and refused to budge
Life being all about rainbows and roses
And the glass being half full
Too bad it is not strong enough to wash down the bitter feelings
That still make their way to my throat and stay there.

Caress Me
Tease Me
Hold Me
Love Me
Ask Me
Teach Me
Help Me
Comfort Me
Carry Me
Acknowledge Me
Surprise Me
Wish Me
Tell Me
Treat Me
Surprise Me
Invite Me
Encourage Me
Welcome Me
Support Me
Visit Me
Just...
Don't Leave Me

Ever wonder what the inside of a persons mind is like?
I mean its where you keep all of your desires hidden from the outside world of backstabbers and hypocrites
It is where your ambitions lie
It is where your secrets stay buried
It is often filled to the brim of all the words and thoughts you sometimes cannot express in public
on paper with the help of a pen or keyboard
It was what your tongue and lips may fail to deliver
It is filled with file cabinets of all the good and bad deeds you have accomplished till now
Every Christmas list and birthday wish list is hidden somewhere in there too
Every ounce of knowledge you have gained with the help of your friends family, idols and enemies gets transferred into paper thin pages and later turned into books
one for each day of the year
You ideas and innovations keep the place lit
and the air always smells faintly of expresso
yes all that caffeine has finally gone to your brain
The mini fridge is full of you guessed it- Brainfood
There is so much more I can tell you but that is all the time I have got
I am listening to Mozart
I hear its good for the brain

*****

My wife looks like a vision of loveliness tonight
In a black dress clinging to her ***
Tighter then spandex
Legs encased in floral looking ***** hose
And manicured toes hidden under a work of leather and tiny bows
She does not look a day over 28
I am standing here talking to one of my collogues from work
This party was her idea
A few new faces down the street and she wanted to break the ice.
Marcy is sweet like that
All I really think about right now is how much sweeter it be to take carry her into the nearest room
Lock the **** door
And throw her on the bed
Strip off my clothes in a haste and take my sweet time with hers
Take in that smell of flowers, cherries and sweat
Its more potent then any other smell out there
Strip her till she only has on skimpy looking pair of underwear
And fear in her eyes
As her brown eyes grow big and dark with arousal
I want to rip off the last bit of cloth off with my teeth and kiss her all over
Kisses that will set her skin on fire and glisten
One by one from her navel to her lips
Get a taste of that cherry lipstick and wipe it clean
Bring my hands down to the smooth triangle between her milky legs
Legs that go on for days
Get her to squirm
Pant
Scream
and finally Release!

At exactly 3.22AM
I always dream in color
About incognisant things
Like puppies, the rain and chocolate mousse cake
Funny memories
Childhood scenes
I suppose that just means I am just missing these things or wish to relive these events once more because reality is sometimes less then pleasant
This dream was in color once again
But they were all and depressing color like shades of red and grey and black
So much black
so much emptiness
and the shadows!
Shadows everywhere… of faceless people
Peoples who are still very much part of my life but they kept of moving about
Not watching where they were going and never at me
Moments later the silence sunk in only to be pierced by angry sounding screams
Full of pain and torment
The type of torment that often comes from widowed people and orphans
what was all the pain about?
Its hard to see but this was enough to take in as an insomniac
It was complete chaos in my mind.
I could not turn it off
The pictures robbed me of my voice completely and my lips had become chapped
I felt hot and uncomfortable all over
What had I witnessed?
Hell?
Something out of horror movie?

Maybe tonight will be different….

He looked at me today.. and smiled!
What could this mean
Will he be coming by after class
And ask me to lunch with him
one bologna sandwiches and Twinkies
Under the peach tree
Ask me to be his lab buddy in biology?
His bus buddy?
Give me his phone number?
Take me out for pizza on Friday nights
Does this mean I finally have a date for the homecoming dance?
Will I get to meet his mother? I hear she is very nice
*** he is waving at me
I raise my hand to wave back
But Marisa beats me to it
His girlfriend?

I am not Ok!

I am having a bad day
My morning started off with a war of words
Between my husband and I
I have forgiven him for his coarse language
I have forgiven him for his loud tone
I have forgiven him for his irrational behavior
His stubbornness
His loss of patience
I know I am not perfect
I talk when I shouldn’t
But I am sorry for what I have said as well
I am still hurting
I talk to him because I have to, Not because I want to
I cannot even look at him
and trust me when I say that he is a good looking man
I see him now but I am reminded of the ugliness that spilled from his lips
His words still ring in my ears
This sadness has taken over me for the last 12 hours
I go on with the day doing all that must be done
But a part of me, deep inside
Wants to cry
So far I have used 6 ****** tissues
The left side of my pillow
And My prayer mat
But the tears still have not subsided
I am out right now fighting the stinging sensation behind my eyes
But I will have to return home soon and look into his eyes
I pray that the lump in my throat
the quiver in my lips and the hurt in my eyes
will not give me away—

He said, she was too plain looking
So Jane learned the How-to’s of Hair and Makeup

He said she weighed too much
Jane changed up her diet and began to exercise more

He said that she was not very bright
Jane threw herself into her school work and come home with nothing less then an A

He said that she should learn how to cook right
Jane learned how to cook all of his favorite meals to perfection

He said that she should give up her hobbies
Jane threw everything away the very next day with a smile

He said that she should stay home and tend to his needs more often
Jane now stays home 4 days out of seven without a complaint

He said that babies are a must
Jane threw caution to her future and her dreams and did things his way

He said that his mom did not approve of her ways
She put her foot down and said “ Love me for me, or leave me!”

It is time to go home
But I do not know who will be greeting me at the door tonight
It is always something different, 7 days a week
On Monday, he comes home overworked and vents about work
On Tuesday he stays home and sulks and because my mom stays with us for the night every week, after dad passed away not too long ago
On Wednesday he comes exhausted from night school and does not fall asleep before one
On Thursday, He sits in his favorite chair, red faced and wild eyed because baby sitting a six year old
It is his son as well!
On Friday, he is Friday he is crabby because he has been fasting all day
On Saturday, he is not home, because he out for a night of fun, gossiping, and backbiting
On Sunday, He is home asleep before I even get there

Its a lot of work being a ****!

He loves numbers
I once had a T-shirt that said “I hate numbers”

He can sing and is a bass guitarist
I’ve never hit a single note in my life

He does not believe in the power of positivity
I personally thrive on it

He never forgets anything
I am pathetic when it comes to dates

He is…Ross
I am Racheal

He can roam around the city all day long
I can stay home all day long

He is a hygiene freak
I throw my towel on the floor

He eats very clean
I don’t I need my carbs

He takes foreverrr to get ready in the morning
I take15 minutes

He loves horror movies
I close my eyes 99.9% of the time during a horror movie

He is on snapchat all the time
I hate dog filters


Yes we are very different but we complete each other

My favorite instrument has gone missing
A tinkling sound that has reached the hearts of many around the world
I cannot tell you how I lost it
I was dancing amongst the others
Dressed up in bright colors
Bangles clinking
Handmade garba sticks in hand

Have you seen them anywhere?

I think they belonged to my grandmother
I have been hearing about these shoes since I was eight
I am nineteen now
I have seen them in black and white and in color
They are slippers and much better then the ones Cinderella wore
The tips are made from real gold I am told
My grandmother never said where she got them from
Or from who
A birthday? A garage sale?
Her father? Grandpa?
All she said was that they made her feel light and happy
Not a day over 20!
She felt like dancing
She had dainty looking feet so I bet she would dance for hours
I found the box but where could those shoes be hiding?

What comes to mind, when some one cries out "poison"
Cleopatra's bejeweled goblet filled with an red elixir
Snow whites Poisonous red apple
cookies laced with white powder
It is hard to say and even harder to see,
But something so beautiful
could often have a guy running the other way
But I find myself running towards it
I don't fancy shiny red apples or drink
Its her lips I am after
sometimes red, or pink
natural, lined or glossy
luscious and pouty
I cannot say which one I prefer the most
but I stare at them more often then I would like to admit
Spewing out big words brought on my anger and confusion
spreading sweet nothings dipped in honey
empty promises, witty one liners
They have no effect on me
But I do wonder what it would be like to have them pressed against my own
at the most unexpected moment
away from peoples lingering stares
I imagine it to be the type of kiss that will sent my heart soaring
awaken me from my slumber
fix my horrible posture
and give me the courage to confess my love to her

Can you tell me how long we have been together
5 long eventful years
Nope it wasn't all about the candy, candle light dinners and heart shaped pizzas
What the movies are made of
or books that romanticize the notion of love
No I was not in love with the idea of falling in love
In fact, our relationship was like any other
We had our fair share of disagreements
heated discussions
Fights about nothing that lasted till 3am and so loud that the cops had to intervene on more then one occasion
Triumphs
Typical rainy days
lazy Saturday mornings sitting in front of the tv with the cereal
and our version of "sick days ;)
We have been through practically everything
But when will you stop lying to me?
Tomorrow? Next week?
It starts with your eyes- I know those baby blues are searching for something more
then your lips- They form a permanent smile now, even when things are really bad
then your arms- your hugs used to be a lot better
then with your body- It is just an act in the dark
Finally with your heart- It has shrunk 3 sizes
Give it up--this is it
we have reached the finishing line
Sign those papers and let yourself go...

Will this day ever end?
from 8-5pm
Room 302
English, French, Biology, Arithmetic, Spanish
and who knows what else
I long for my comfy bed and the warmth of my room upstairs
the teacher drones on all day
she's ok but she has an god-awful nasally voice
nope its not congestion
she must have been born that way
She talks and paces the room
back-and-forth
back-and-forth
Its enough to give me neck pain
But the ruler that she has on her is the absolute worst
its 30 cm long and made from wood
I long for a proper breakfast and big cups of creamy cocoa
Who eats porridge anymore?
cinnamon makes me sneeze
and I will turn green if I see another granny smith apple
I want to go out and just walk around--
" So could you tell us what the answer is Harold"
It's 32 Mom
Uh- I mean Mam

Let me out

It’s going to be a good day today
I can feel it in my bones
No really, my bones ache when the weather gets colder
Knees hurt when it starts to rain
I no longer have to put on that hideous forest green parka and
Those grey sorrel boots
It will be a navy pea coat and black laced up boots instead
I can barely wait to get them out of the closet and try them on
Goodbye silly hats, and scarves
Arrividerci heavy mittens and earmuffs
Hello leather gloves and colourful headbands
I no longer have to tie up my hair
It can now flow freely down my back
Those chocolate highlights were definitely worth it
The skies will be a glorious blue
Birds will be chirping out natures love songs
Squirrels will be scurrying about
And the raccoons better be out of the way
The trees will have on their green ensembles
And guard the earth all year round
Flowers will bloom white yellow and red
It just started snowing!
Maybe tomorrow will be the day

Short, Long
Bright, Dark
Bold, Simple
There are so many different kinds of earrings available
But I cannot wear any of them!
I have to stick to clip-ons and magnetic earrings
Because mom said so

There is only 30 minutes to get this right
She sets the paper down in front of me
Inhale then exhale I tell myself
I look over the test it is all multiple choice
My least favorite kind
My heart starts beating faster at this
Inhale then exhale I tell myself
I try to circle in as many of the right answers in the next 20 minutes
I can do this!
Just Inhale then exhale I tell myself
Oh no! Everything is starting to go blank now
It feels like all the knowledge is starting to slowly seep out my brain and leak from my ears
I sit tight and close my eyes
Inhale and exhale
The questions do not make sense anymore
Is it B or D
I erase my original answer and began to second guess myself
The pencil shakes in my hand
Inhale and Exhale
I give my eyes a quick rub and read the questions one more
No that's not right Its D not B
I Inhale--
Time's up!

The air has turned cold
There is a fire going
I have a snifter of cognac in my hands
The fiery amber liquid does nothing as it touches my lips and glides down my throat
I expected a sense of warmth
A sense of comfort
But I guess cognac pales in comparison to your loving embrace

He looks happy
his eyes smile
his cheeks are puffed out
and his thin lips form the biggest grin
He has an arm around her
Silky black hair till the navel
fair skin
slim nose
kohl lined eyes
pink stained lips
she looks innocent
in love?
content?
Trees surround the young couple
the sky painted is blue
the sun shines down on them
"click"
goes the camera
as well as my heart

We lay here together
on a bed of polyester and colored cotton
held together by two palm trees
tiny lights dance above our heads
a path of candles of light the way to the guest house
I do not wish to change anything about this picture
but there is no happy ending to this
I cannot change how I feel about you
When we are together, it is easy to talk
the words slip out from my lips
there is no place for awkward pauses and
time is not wasted on hesitation and useless assumptions about each other
I can talk to you about you about anything
dreams, nightmares, wants, needs, past losses, and the future
yes some of our conversations escalate to screaming matches
but for the most part its nice
I am not sure how to tell you this
The words are stuck in my throat
my skin suddenly feels strange
cold
you feel it too
your hands rub mine
But I feel nothing
when you touch me
in other ways
the butterflies are dead
no goosebumps, whatsoever
no sheer bliss to loose myself in
just endless silence
and a rude ending

14x 9
Presently worth $196,000
But what do I give away for the little girl that lives in the guest house
And the needy children around here
I turn on the light, and a picture of color, fabric, glitter, sparkle, and a few fashion faux pas stare back at me

The black dress is an dior original I wore it to mom’s funeral
My very first pink onsie from daddy is too small but it is too cute to give away
The red and white plaid skirt I wore on my last day of junior high
Tye-dye shirts the result of boring rainy Saturdays spent sitting around at home
Black knee high boots, I call those my stripper shoes
How could I part with any of this?

Each color was handpicked to complement my skin tone and conceal my vitiligo
Each botton here is one of a kind
Each portion of fabric was created for my small frame
Each scrap of embroidery was flown in from all around the world
Each speak of sparkle made from sequins, mesh and satin had been ordered weeks in advance
Each piece of lace and brocade was bought from a French tailor who went to school with daddy
Each piece of clothing here is very dear to me

How can I simply give away my memories to any old stranger?

Windows to the soul

The windows to her soul are green
Big and round
The color of fresh tea leaves
I bet you thought I was going to say emeralds
They are filled with amusement
Sometimes mystery
And when I am in trouble, plenty of mischief
They sparkle in the sun
But turn dark, almost black when she is angry

They can make feel uncomfortable when I am guilty of something
They provoke me to the point I want to spill my secrets the deepest darkest and dirtiest ones
They encourage me whenever I am not sure of something
They hold my gaze forever just when I think it is not possible to love this woman any more than I did yesterday
They flirt with me in the driveway when she is about to leave for work
They tease me between the sheets when we are tangled up in each other
They glare at me when my mouth works faster than my brain
They laugh at me when I make fool of myself in the kitchen
They shrink in size and tear up when I cannot hold on to my tongue
They smile at me in the morning
They have showered me with love, appreciation, concern and trust for the last 36 years

But right now as I sit here and look at her lying still in that cheap hospital gown
With her face a covered in a mask with shades of red and purple
I can see them, but they cannot see me

My yesterdays can be replayed over and over in my dreams
Today went by too quickly
I hope tomorrow will be a day to remember

Sorry’s and Thankyou’s

When I came into this world, the first thing I saw was your face with your skin glistening, hair plastered with your forehead, but you still smiled for me

That’s where it all started

When the nurse broke our embrace and took you away from me. I tried to cling on to you but it did not work.
I am sorry for that mom

When everyone thought it was a best to leave me in a box that made weird noises, I cried out for you but it did not work.
I am sorry for that mom

The first time you brought me home and held me close, I cried for three days straight
I am sorry for that mom

You gave me the bottle and I rejected it immediately ruining your clothes and sense of confidence.
I am sorry for that mom

You paced around the house and sung endless lullabies for no extra charge it only annoyed me
I am sorry for that mom

You let the house turn into a mess and stopped attending work so that I get proper sleep and function
Thank you for that mom

You gave up your social life so that you could spend more time with me
Thank you for that mom

You stopped going to see your parents and siblings so that I could take my first steps, say my first word and eat right
Thank you for that mom


You would go into a panic every time my cries got more urgent and my scream more louder
Thank you for that mom

You would lose sleep over me, whenever I could not sleep a wink because I thought there was something hiding under my bed
Thank you for that mom

You would skip meals because I thought it would be great fun to run around the house and break everything in sight
Thank you for that mom


You would get scared whenever I could not stay in place and was always very close to getting lost.
Thank you for that mom

You would stress whenever I would not finish my food and went to bed hungry.
Thank you for that mom

You would hurt whenever I fell and scraped my knees or needed stitches
Thank you for that mom

You would be patient with me every time I lost patience and could not do something right
Thank you for that mom

You taught me how to read, write and soon speak fluently
Thank you for that mom

You picked me up when I fell and refused to get up
Thank you for that mom

You comforted me every time something broke and fell apart including my goals and dreams
Thank you for that mom

Sorry for all the trouble but thank you for never giving up on me.

When you showed0 up at my door with roses and chocolates on my birthday I could not say no

When you proposed to me up in the air on a hot air balloon with a ring bluer then my eyes, I could not say no

When you set me down in front a of a mansion made from glass and crystal which I could fill up with my dreams  
I could not say no

When you got busy right after the wedding and buried yourself in your work and stayed out real late
I could not say no

When you picked up the phone sounding half intoxicated with a with a female companion snuggling up to you
I could not say no

When you would cancel all our lunch or dinner plans and spend them with your friends instead
I could not say no

When you would go out with your pretty little perky secretaries in the name of business I could say no

When I would ask to come along you could not say anything

Where did we go wrong?

Its dark outside and getting very cold
I look at Brian
He looks so lost and tired
With very little money and hope in our hearts we aren’t sure where to turn
They wont find us here I pray to my self
There is a group of people to the right and a long road that stretches to the left
We decide to walk down the road
There aren’t too many people around and no one who might recognize us
We pass a restaurant or two
He shakes his head he isn’t feeling very hungry and I’ve got not appetite tonight
A convenient store, We have all that we need
A jewellery store, the simple gold band with leafy etches is just perfect for my finger
We keep walking till we stop at a big building with plenty of widows all covered in black and has the number 230 etched into the wall
An ugly green rectangle serves as the door.
It looks very run down so hopefully the inside looks better
I put on a fake a smile and walk inside
I make my way to the lobby but it does not get better
Within seconds strange smells assault my nose.
It smelled like desperation
A mix made from whiskey, cigarettes, sausage and cabbage
I hold my nose and Brian does the same
We meet a young thing at the reception hall with overly pale skin and the lightest blue eyes that almost seem to glow
She has a black bob with too many piercings on
She looks us over and her eyes linger on brains face just three seconds longer
She asks for ID and cash
60$ a night for peace of mind- not too bad I guess
He smiles at her and is presented a rusty looking silver key
No more words are exchanged and we make a run for the room.
I Just want to lie down for a minute
I fumble with the lock and we welcome a room full of darkness.
The light switch does not work so both of us touch our way to the bed
Place the keys and bits of nothing on the nearest bedside table
Kick of our shoes at once and lay in bed.
My feet hurt like hell but I say nothing
I am petite in size so I climb on top of Brian
Slow melodious music starts playing in the distance just then
His fingers reach for my face
This almost feels perfect lou the dark, the music and just us
I say nothing and allow my lips to hungrily seek out his neck before they make there way to his lips
Yes the perfect night to a horrible day as man and wife

This is our last session together in the same room sitting next to each other
I will walk into a room and witness another piece of my marriage coming undone
My beautiful wife expressing all her anguish and all the emotions she has bottled up for the past 20 something years because life got in the way.
The stress and anxiety surrounding the birth of a new baby.
Walking on eggshells trying to be perfect around the in laws
Feeling drained because of a group of rambunctious cousins and siblings
Nights wasted on hurling nasty words at each other because we were both tired from the lack of sleep, touch, and because we were not listening
Not once did she think about reaching out to me and tell me how she feels
What hurts and what feel good
Take only the briefest moment to let me know that she wanted to take a break from being the best mother, wife and daughter
The superglue that held together out family of four
Protecting it from the dangerous winds full of unkind words and backbiting
Raising two beautiful sons without taking any sick days
Turning an old duplex into the garden of Eden
With her artistic abilities, endless swatches of color and tiny fingers
I miss her handmade handkerchiefs
One for each day of the week
Dipped in lavender and stitched with words from the heart
Words that I never paid any attention too
They have only gathered the results of my hard work
Sweat, tears and on occasion, droplets of blood
From 8am-6pm
I am not a man of even-temperament
But I wonder how she has managed to keep it all together for so long when she was really falling apart
She has the habit of staring into the mirror after a bad quarrel
I have no idea what she keeps looking for
Her skin robbed of a healthy glow
Hair that has more grey then black in it
Lines that were never there before
Did time do all that for was I the reason behind it
I only did what my father taught me
Go to school get a degree, work without breaking my back and provide my family with a life people only dream about
I cannot repair what time has erased for me, my wife, as individuals and as a couple
I hope..,
Mr Kendall you may come in now!

Tall dark and rugged
Drink in hand
A night to remember

2 minutes of pleasure
A life time of regret

It is impossible to feel happy at all times
Though it is easy to portray and accept
Be it a quick smile, a half smile
A toothy grin, too much enthusiasm and laughter

It is impossible feel sadness at all times
Though it is easy to portray and accept
Going from talkative to silent
Withdrawing yourself from family and friends
Not giving a hoot about hair and hygiene
Staying in the dark and sleeping in the day

How about when you feel numb
Due an an illness
A death in the family
Miscarriage
Extramarital affair
Job layoff

What is there to portray and how do you accept it?

Tonight is the night
I finally get to take Lucinda out for dinner
I have never met anyone like her
Yes that sentiment has been expressed a million times before I am sure but she is an exquisite woman
Her lovely skin reminds me of condensed milk
Hair luscious like fresh strawberries
eyes like dark chocolate
and words sweet enough to melt any mans anger into pure honey
Sorry she is just an amazing cook
I hope she likes seafood though
there is nothing better then succulent lobster, garlicky shrimp and fresh fillets glazed in a golden sauce, on a wintry night  
She works in an art gallery downtown
Art is her passion and I say that she is better then Tamara de Lempicka
She is simple in her attire and taste
But I wonder why she always has that oval pendant around her neck
she wears it all the time and never takes it off.
I fancy her but the sight of that necklace makes me uncomfortable
An simple oval pendant on a thin silver chain
My skin looks flushed and I get antsy
I cannot sit still or pay attention to her
I wonder if that necklace was a present
from the alcoholic father she told me about
from the brother who passed away at 19 from tuberculosis
from the abusive ex husband
a past lover with copper locks and green eyes
These questions are giving me a headache
Oh Garcon  I would like a drink

I love the way the way you smile at me when our eyes meet
2. I love holding your hands and walking with you
3. I love the way you believe in me
4. I love it when you turn around to kiss me on the nose every morning
5. I love the way you that you love me at night right before you go to sleep
6. I love how you say nothing when I purposely photobomb your endless selfies
7.I love how we talk endlessly into the night with nothing but coffee between us
8. I love how you pick me up when i am feeling low
9. I love how you remember all the things i forget
10. I love how you rescue me from spiders, cats and raccoons

I only wish you were here with me

There is a solution to everything I think

If you cannot babysit one night
I suggest you tell your mom that you are still getting over your cold and you do not want to get the baby sick

If there is a test in school and you haven't studied for it
I suggest you fake a stomach ache

If your mom is upset
I suggest you buy her daisies and jellybeans

If your best friend wont talk to you over a silly misunderstanding
I suggest you break the ice with food and song

If you want to play hooky one day
I suggest you go to the beach have fish and chips with ice cream

But what am I suppose to do with you?