I have never kept count of the times we have argued
Had a disagreement
Raised our voices or said something without thinking
I don't bother wasting time in settling the score
But for the first time in a long time
I am wishing that you feel what I am feeling right now
Hurt
Sad
Uncertain
Confused
I want you to feel every ounce of it
I want all the feelings to consume you
Hit you in waves
Watch your eyes well up with tears
Watch your face crumble
Your shoulders shake with grief
Your tall form shrinking
Watch you melt into the cold hard floor
Alone
In the dark
with no one to hear you
and even worse
understand you

He looked tired
Almost out of it
Disheveled hair
Bags under the eyes
Eyes staring into space
A huge grin instead of a scowl
That was what got my attention
I waved my hands in his face
He did not look annoyed
He did not protest
He just kept smiling
I’m in love
I nearly choked on my bagel
I coughed,
I sputtered
shook my head making my curls bounce
That’s the worst kind of insanity there is
He smiled again
I’m in love he said to no one

The day will go on like it should
Buzzing with activity and anticipation
Tension and loss
I wait impatiently for night fall
Blue will blanket the sky
Stars will glitter like jewels
The moon will look on
Light the way for the lost
Dreams come alive at a time like this
They hold everything
Happiness pain joy
Secrets of the soul
I long to dream
The only time I ever see you
Just the way I remember you
25 and not a day older
Your eyes search for something
Your smile contains all the joy in the world
The air whispers
I cannot make out all of it
I am not sleeping
My head is too full with thoughts of you
But I do not want to wake up from this
the only time you are ever this close to me
just not close enough to hold
something separates us still
you look at me
still wearing that smile
holding out your hands my way
coming a step closer
I move
Just not fast enough
I watch you disappear
Again

This letter like many others
Will remain unopened
Will go unaddressed
You could be anywhere right now
Not dead but always in a different spot
Cooped up in a car
Sitting under palm trees sipping on gin cocktails
Lounging in a hammock by the sea
Resting on a massage table as fingers dig into flesh
Lying on a bed of imported fur by the fire
While she slips into something a little more comfortable
Something that you can take off with a cheese knife
Looking into the face of another paid for the hour girl
Small but long legged
Tanned but *****
Tracing the apple of her cheekbones
Thinking about the lips below
Telling lies one after the other
Such beautiful lies dipped in money and wine
My hard-earned money and your wine
May it run out soon
Let her keep your shirt the next morning and my old phone number
I know you will never seek her out again
But why do you still look for something that you’ve lost so long ago?
It cannot be found in your precious vineyards
The office
The extravagant parties full of pretty little nobodies
You turn into somebody by a getting a taste of fruit that hasn’t been plucked yet
Your empty little glass condo with the mini bar and huge bed
A bad investment but so you were thrilled at the idea of a water filled bed
I could never say no to you but I should have cut you off long ago
I did what I could all in the name of love
I let you into the all the corners of my heart
My house
My family
My babies
My business
All for what?
A set of keys in the end
The same gorgeous view
And no news of you

Does distance really do the heart any good?
I don't think so
I have been feeling down for days
You have been away for weeks
A common scenario for many
I shouldn’t think to much into this
But I can’t bring my self to feel angry
At your carelessness
Anger turns into tears
Cross words turns into silence
Another day will pass
My worries will heighten
It doesn’t matter what or whom I distract myself with
Thoughts of you and your well being will slowly crawl their way
into the most damaged parts of me
the parts I thought would have healed by now
a word from you would have sufficed on most days
but now I wish you were just here

Some Love
Others Fall in Love
Which One Was It With You?

I would hear a lot of about it a child
I would see it in the eyes of my mother
For her kids
For dad
I would feel it when he would grab me in a bear hug
I would see it in the way he sometimes looked at her
Thinking that nobody else was watching
I felt the love when they spoke to each other with their eyes
In their smiles and long embraces
I began to wish for the same many years later
Dad was gone
Mom was fading
I wanted to be saved
Or was it feel safe?
I don’t remember
Forgot all that I knew
When you came along
Don’t know what you did
Or how you did it
But my mom fell in love with you faster then I did
The son she never had
I thought it was weird you always hung around her
Did exactly what she told you
But then I realized you were just looking for a mom
Yours never returned after spending a few hours with you
I slowly started to warm up to you
I remembered all the fairy tales I read
I remembered the happy endings
I wondered if you would stick around long enough to be part of mine
Time passed
Seasons changed
We grew closer
She grew weaker
you went far away
no one could reach you
not even me