He is different
A loner from what I hear
No father
He has accepted my ways
I am different too
Ma calls me “toofan” lovingly
I can never sit still
Books bore me
The kitchen feels like a dungeon
My feet always dance
My fingers are usually splattered with paint or ink
He doesn’t mind
He likes me with my hair down
We meet on the roof on most mornings
Sometimes in the evenings
When no one is around
Drying clothes or chili
Just an excuse
We talk between cups of chai or sweet lassi
I read his hand
He reads my eyes
He writes
Possibly draws
I cannot be sure
He never lets me see
I practice my steps
he watches
I paint
He observes
he clicks pictures
always when I am not aware
to capture something, I think
I can tell him anything
Nothing needed to be hidden in the pages
He understands ever sigh and murmur
Understands every step and colour
But even then
He has not once told me that he loves me

Shh
I promise this wont hurt one bit
There isn’t much time left
Don’t waste it on words
Breath me in
When it hurts the most
When you really miss me
Breath me in
Get high on the memories
Feel them grip your mind
Wash over you like water
Take hold of you
Turn you numb
Breath me out
When your ready to let go

I wanted to stay home today
Take it easy
Cook in the candle light
Clean with the music on
Paint what the mind want
He wouldn’t hear it
Picked up my satchel
Dragged me by the hand
To a fair
Blazing heat
Naked shoulders
Tousled hair
Incense
I took it all in
The air smelled funny
The people looked so happy
I sniffed the drink I was holding
I lost him in the crowd
But I wasn’t worried
I found him at a kiosk
Chatting up a sticky looking thing
She had wispy hair and questionable taste in clothes
Looked so out of place
She handed him a flower
He dropped a coin in her palm
I waited till he came to me
This is for you
Looks weird but she said it will bring change your life
It will give you all the things you want the most
I laughed
Didn’t believe in all that *******
The ugly translucent thing would be just sitting on the mantle
He kissed my fingers
Even that felt off
Dropped the flower into my bag
I was ready to go home and shower
He didn’t stay the night
He left the flower by the window
It rained heavily
He got lost in the rain
His mangled body never came to me
I didn’t believe it
I didn’t talk to anyone for the next 30 days
I painted till my fingers bled
Scrubbed away till I felt clean
Drank till I saw stars
My mother called with bad news
The cat had passed on
In a pool of her own blood
I didn’t ask any questions
I showered
Let the water run till I felt pruny
Didn’t hear the bell ring
Didn’t hear the pistol fire
Didn’t Care
I toweled off and sat in front of the fridge
Eating everything in sight
Clawing into the food
It all tasted salty
The lights went out
I am alone now
I feel weird

Do you still love him she asked?
Yes my mind screamed
I could not meet her eyes
So I stared into my food
Toying with it
Carving your name in it
Can you forget him she pressed on sipping on coffee
I secretly wished it would scald her tongue
No I cant
The more I try to forget
The more I remember
Was it because I still loved you
Or was it because of the mistakes I made
Unintentionally
Unstable
Had no ground to stand on
Mistakes I cant undo
Mistakes I cant fix
Mistakes I cant walk away from
I still carry the weight of them
Heavy from guilt pain and confusion
Its caged up in my chest
But some day that will break
Skin and brittle bones are not enough to hold everything in
I sleep with the pain
Wake up to it
Tried to embrace it with words of wisdom
Smother it with distractions
Heal it with time
But everything failed
The cage will break
Everything will come
But will I find peace in the end?

Those who leave you
For whatever reason
Are actually doing you a favour
In the long run
I often think about that
Did it help you?
Did you achieve all that you wanted to?
Did you win the hearts of your loved ones again?
Did you get to forgiveness?
Promise to be good again
Follow the rules
Forsake your happiness for others
Learn how to smile
Through the pain
Build new dreams from the ashes of the old ones
Smile at the sun
Play in the rain
Welcome change
Vow to never live in the past again
Can it all be done because of will power and strength
Or is everything just a mirage
Do you go back to being being broken at night
Relive every nightware
Wake up to déjà vu
Wish that you have never met her
Curse scream and yell
Tell yourself that it’ll all be over soon
By ingesting the last pill
Snorting another line
Pulling the trigger
Tightening the noose
Cuz you know that is the only way you will ever see her again

The thought of spending another day with you  brings out the clouds faster then anything
Looking at the little things you do
That was once very cute
Is rewarded with an eye roll or extra loud sigh
Talking to you about this and that makes me feel queasy
Engaging in conversation with you is like talking with something lodged in the throat
I can hardly get the words out
you can never find anything to talk about
always have to think
There are too many pauses in the conversation
crickets and grasshoppers do nothing to hide the awkwardness I feel when I have to be around you
Getting you to spend time with me is frustrating
I feel like I have to beg
All the **** time
Can we go out
Can we talk for 5 minutes
Can you bring this
Can you buy that
I would like that please
Your so good at following the rules
Your so obedient
Agree to everything
Never speak your mind
When you finally do you talk without emotion
Without feeling and passion
when did a relationship have so many rules
so many strings
Some things just happen on their own
It shouldn’t be forced
It shouldn’t be begged for
But that’s all I find myself doing when I am with you
Shouldn’t you take some things upon yourself
Plan things on your own
for me
for you
you bark out orders
I give orders
I have to pick and choose
sadly enough
you feel obligated to do things
I am forced to feel
What will happen
When I cant feel anymore?

You see them in movies
Read about them in books
I believe in them
But I wish I had given you one
Maybe it would helped me think with my heart one last time
Maybe that would have prompted you to change
See all the things I tried to show you
Tell you all the things I wanted you to know
I couldn't in the end
I broke instead
Your mind shattered into a million pieces
Mine became numb
Time passed
Days were spent in trying to pick up all the scrambled pieces of our hearts
Nights were spent in solitude trying to make sense of flashbacks, unkind words, and loneliness
The memories remained frozen
Time could not heal everything
it helped us grow
see past our mistakes
make amends to be a better person
to someone else
I have changed
I imagine you have too
Leading a different life
With a new set of thoughts
While the heart still bleeds
For the past
For you