A brief conversation with my therapist
Him: Tell me why you aren't okay?
Me: I don't know why I'm not okay aren't you suppose to tell me that
Him: well do you like your dad?
Me: no
Me: maybe
Me: sometimes
Me: that's not the reason why I...
Him: well there you go
Him: fill out this chart and let me know when you want to start
Me:

Pink Skies
Pch Drives
Sunsets
Green Tea
White Lies
Old Books
You
Same Stories
Peaches and Roof Tops
Her
Faded Gray After Shocks
Me

I am much safer in these new thoughts
old parking lots don't let me go back to you
tracing over pages and faces and new spaces
so I am happily okay with being okay
and maybe one day
I'll be able to look at someone
the way you look at her with
wide eyes
no white lies
getting over you

hearing your songs about her
rips at parts of my brain
I am suppose to be okay
I know that you don't see me
the way you see her
but I'll keep thinking maybe your heart will change
and like patterns I trace down my thighs
with open eyes I see where you lie
and I will never get why
I never tried to find a way to be  
with you
the way you want to be
with her

Your couch
your house
2am skype calls
your car
3am fall outs
your mind
4am breakdowns
you

Let me make a map so I can find my way back to the spaces I left you in
these faces aren't new to me but the places we used to be put me in a  nightmare when I remember how it could/would be
17 and crazed dazed hopelessly rethinking ways to trace your face
behind brown eyes and white lies I uncomfortably shift through my thoughts of you and let go

words flow out from cracks in spaces I can't feel safe in
and this may be the only way to say this
but sometimes I hate the phrase
"oh yeah she's okay"
Like I never expected this to end like I wanted to
but why am I stuck in this phase
I feel okay I feel Okay I feel okAy

I can't bring myself to leave the place you stay  
so I sit just watching you watch her
and she is your pull
nothing more than a possibility
a maybe you hold onto
you wonder what she's doing
where she's going
when you enter a room your eyes find her space and you stay
maybe when it's over and the final page turns
you won't have her but
for now I'll fill this with words I'll never send

Twisting words that leave no traces of small conversations that lack hesitation
Let me be the thing that keeps you up late she says but devoid of these frustrations
I will hold onto small pieces of the places you wasted trying to find something more in the score of your silence
I wanted to understand your quiet contemplation so I take another day to reevaluate myself in your space and I wonder if I’m doing okay

I don’t understand where your edges meet you think you see her in every perfect picture framed memory
I understand that I don’t look like a girl you want to fall in love with and this is my 17 year old realization that the last person I kissed was a  mistake
when I was trying not to break my heart that from the start knowing I  wasn’t going to make it very far
And I start falling on your lines and trace patterns of maybes on my thighs and sometimes you look better then a stupid ******* day dream so let me retrace everything I was meant to be
oh please God hold me

who are we
but collections of
late night maybes
next time I'm sorry
I wanted to watch the spaces you fill with the holes I create as I leave traces of the people we could have
would have been

office buildings
parking lots
2am thoughts
getting lost in the way you talk
now fading faster than conversations of far off places
he doesn't like this song but he never heard quite like you

Thoughts of you
I don't know why it happens but the organization of my foundations are losing ground as I try to catch my breath and steal my smile back from you
It feels like cold coffee and Sunday afternoons and falling in love with you was never what I intended to do
so I'll ask if it's okay if I take these words back but now I let them out anyway hoping they'll reach the places you go one day when I am all on my own and you find a new me with a better way of taking in your grace

I get lost in your moments
the few that I find
are like holding onto writings of another time
when we were clearly invested in the person we were
but that doesn't matter when we get lost in the picture frames of names I used to know
trying to find the things that remind us of you and me
the distance is frightening
and
This city reflects the steps that I take without you
so please leave San Francisco
I feel your steps in the cracks of the pavement I walk
and I try to replace the way the street signs used to look with your hand in mine

Let me love before you fall
I can't pretend to know what you're thinking
but I hate how she brings out the softest sides of you
and it's funny how I said I wouldn't be her but that was before I met you
now I have your records on repeat and these songs are the only way I see you with me

I want to let you know how I feel
before we go
I don't know how I would be if the daydreams
became something that could keep you warm
when your features fade from my brain
Pictures will remind me that it's okay to be searching for a way to know you are okay
even though I am far from the way I used to know you
let me know before you go

I see faces and I pass places we used to go but it doesn’t feel right when I keep wondering what it would feel like if you took my hand and this is the part that I forget to start because car rides seem shorter and nights get longer when I wonder what I would do if I wasn’t able to see you
I am trying to know where we would end and I get that this is just my head trying to let me live through a person that has what I think I need but feelings come and go and for once I would like to be close to someone that wants to be close to me and it will happen when it happens and life is a series of “happens” so I am starting to get a little dizzy at the thought of losing you in my thoughts because you seem less real there as I fill in the pieces I don’t know with what I want but then I lose you and the parts I thought I would hold on to