you are the hint of something sweeter
better than this
and more comprehendable
to my sour mind
than anything else
and if nothing else
in these incoherent realms of abstinence
makes any sense to me
but you
then I think
I am afraid

it was almost as though ten thousand moons
shone through your irises
but I still felt like I was fumbling my way
through an endless tunnel
desolate and alone
in complete darkness
        vulnerable
with no guidance
even though you claimed to be by my side

a hand to hold
a shoulder to cry on
                    the usual clichés
                    few are able to find

We were both drunk
I know
and you said it was all as friends
but you knew I already loved you

You kissed me
you held me close to you
and even in my most vulnerable state
still all you did
was hold me in your arms
until the intoxication passed

Your lips touched mine
and it threw me into the deep end
"Just friends" you repeated
over and over
but I was so enthralled by you

I still am

but we're only friends

your hair runs through her fingers as soft as silk
your body fits with hers like two pieces of a puzzle
but I am not her
you do not love me
and however long I spend
wishing for a small part of your being
to belong to me
I know now
it will never be

I have waited for so long for you to see me
in the way that I see you
because for 459 days (and counting)
you are what is always upon my mind

I put you high
on a pedestal and no matter how hard I try
you will not come down
you will not be replaced
you are prominent in my mind
you are strong and you are fearless
and you will not allow anyone
to take your place
you fight them all off
but why?

I am stuck on you
and you are stuck on her
and you will not let me be free
of your charm and your wit
your blind eyes
see nothing but her
and I see nothing but you

but this is not what saddens me the most

what breaks me down at 3 am
is that you don't even try

you do not try to give me some freedom from your grasp
but you do not want to allow me into your mind
                                                    your thoughts
                                                    your­ ever-precious heart

why do you want me to love you
if you will not love me back?
why does your beaming smile
guide me amidst lonely tracks?
why do you want me
to love you so badly
if you won't even spare me
the time of day
or the place in your mind
in which you lay peacefully in my own
each and every hour
of each and every day?

Love is violence,
blood shed for the people
we hope to be in love with.
Love is thrown around like
leaves on a stormy autumn day.
We bleed on our love for each other,
hoping that something will be born
from the elixir of a human being.
Why are we so concerned for this
nonexistent newborn?

Why am I so concerned for him,
and why is he attacking my heart?
I guess he doesn't know does he?
He doesn't know that every day
I can feel my lungs collapsing
from the lack of his breath,
and I can feel my eyes losing sight
from the lack of his guidance.
I feel heavy.
I feel my bones being filled with lead,
and the culprit is him,
filling me with the love I’ll never have.
Who is he to make me feel like this?  

Why does each individual letter
of this forsake word
cut so deeply into my arms?
I want him to stop leaving
bullet holes in my stomach.
Once I am bled out,
he will bury me deep
within the ground,
and I will call the dirt
my home and the creatures
my friends.

My hands are old,
and they long for your touch.
I just want to hear your
voice, full of honey,
call my name.
I can’t stop thinking
about the way your
heavenly eyes bore
into my soul.

Love is obsessing over
his eyes and the darkness
that it holds.

Love is not real,
and neither are you.