Anger, frustration
Built like a brick wall inside of this heart,
Testing my patience,
Racing,
Waiting to come up with another reason,
Reasons why I deserve it,
Failures, disappointment, sadness,
Picking at weaknesses,
Waiting for a point where this ends,
Patterns of highs and lows,
Spinning so fast,
Everything in mid air,
Becomes a blurry haze,
Where I see a brick wall,
With anger and frustration
Going on and on

"Write a poem," it commands me,
As if inspiration arrives on demand.

Bleak and black and bold and born.
Beyond, before; behind, reborn.*

        I stand here at the threshold, behind me is my life.
        I stare into the void, the darkness of the night.

                Do I stay here in the light, sway to what I know?
                Do I cling and clutch and claw and crawl back to what I've sown?
                Do I allow the past to fade away - the light become the night?

                        Or do I fall?

                Do I let the darkness take its hold?
                Will I free myself in the mystery?

                Is there feeling in the night? Is there freedom from the light?
                        The light is safe, but is it right
                        in this threshold of the night?

        I stand here at the threshold of the future and the past.
        I cling and clutch and claw and crawl back to what I've sown.

I have always been a big girl

A “strong build” girl

A “fluffy” girl

And nothing’s wrong with that.

Right?

Wrong. There’s always something

Wrong. From my hair down to my toes.

So I take control,

Try to take control

But it ends up controlling me

Yanking me down into the

Depths of I’m so fat and

Are you sure you want to eat that?

I hide it,

Hide it good

But it’s too heavy for me now

Some don’t understand,

Won’t try to see how it’s not my fault

Won’t forgive me when I beg for

Forgiveness

Won’t believe me when I say I

Won’t do it again

Refuses to have faith in me,

To believe me

Just to feel sorry for me

Like they can say I’m bad

Or lose on self- control

And beg me to promise against suicide

When they have a plan broiling in their mind

I’ve tried and I’ve failed

Over and over

But for you I still try

As you turn your back

And avert your eyes

I try

But it wins

And I make my way towards the looming door

To return an ounce lighter

Thinner

It wins

And I sink to the floor

Cold, alone

Trying to tell myself I am beautiful

Yet deep down I know I’m not