It feels like
Relief.

Taking a deep breath and
Breathing for the first time.

Looking in the mirror and seeing someone familiar
Instead of that stranger that only grew more foreign with time.

A weightlessness from letting go of the heavy load
That had accumulated over the 15 years.

If feels like
Utter, pure joy.
Excitement.
Relief.
Freedom.

If feels like giving in,
Like all the progress was for nothing.

Nothing.
At least this makes me feel something,
Even if that something is nothing more than a dull burn beneath my lemon-orange socks.

I don't know why I do it.
Why I try.
Why I cry every time,
Why I can't just ******* ---
...

I never thought I could get in trouble for staying quiet.

It was a form of self-protection, I suppose.
A coping mechanism, you can say.
Every time something that brought pain or confusion or any complicated feelings,

I just
left
my body.
I'd be there
but
not really.

You can always get in trouble for spilling too much, I thought.
So if you don't say anything at all, don't let anyone in, don't let anything out -
You'd be safe.
I was supposed to be safe.

But when I was threatened with the psych ward for staying silent
I realized
that wasn't true.

I'm not safe
I'm not safe
I'm not safe

I'm not
safe
here
real
okay.
This is supposed to fix me,
supposed to make me okay,
why am I not okay?

I am
dying
dying
dying,
drowning,
asphyxiating,
drowning,
drowning in

Lies.
Lie.
That's the only thing I can do now.
Now it's all just lies,
I'm a lie
I'm a lie
I'm a lie -

Hah.
Don't you wish you never asked?

You left me.
But you're still here.

How could that be?

How could you be so close,
But disappear every time I reach out?
Every time I need you -
Do you understand that I need you?

To everyone else you act so real
But when I am near you fade away like mist into nothingness -
Like a rainbow.
You're full of lies,
You intangible thing.

Do you understand how you lied?
Do you understand that you left me?
Do you understand that I love you?
I love you
I love you
I love you

Just say it back,
I love you too
or - at least an
I hate you.
Anything, anything to prove your existence,
Anything that gives me some sort of sign of what to do, what to think-

You can't just leave me like this.
Please.

Reach past barriers
Fingertips press like a tender kiss
Or like your body when it melts into the ocean.

Inpatient
Crashing
Straining
And never enough.