I’ll cry later, I need to work

12/30/18

9:37

“I don’t need him”
As a silent minutes passes
He says again
“I don’t need him”
He then realizes that he was always happy with or without him from the beginning
“Ode. Ode to finally finding happiness without the need of him giving me it. I can find it and give it to myself!”

I don’t like (the way you move me)

If you don’t try
You’ll be told to try harder
But if you try too hard
You’ll be discriminated for “selfish ulterior motives”

That one person can restore your faith in love,
And rob you of it at the same time - Maria Mena

I’m so selfish
I’m the worst person I’ve met
Why haven’t I seen through his view
He always says hi
But I just act uninterested and say hi in a weird manner now
Maybe he’s trying to talk about it
I’m so awful
But at the same time I was trying to talk about it and he left me waiting for a month
I feel worse

I’m crying
And it’s my birthday

I don’t like asking for help
I’ll just feel like an attention *****
I’ll deal with it until I take it out on my art

Being a workaholic
And needing something to take my mind off things
I’ve grown to be very talented
It’s such a blessing and a curse
But hey at least I forget about you in the moment

“I kissed enough bathroom sinks to
Make up for the lovers that never loved me”

“Another’s perspective”

Dear beloved,

If only things went the way I had imagined them in my head
We would have fallen for something much greater than hate
We wouldn’t be ignoring everything except eachother

We wouldn’t be feeling the need to find love because were lonely
We had eachother but the distance between us was the size of a planet
“One day you’ll feel as if your unloveable, hated, and miss judged. Know that I loved you. Understand it and know that it’s not subjective it’s right there.”
I hope you get this and realize...something.

     To my dearest beloved

-Alan

I wonder how many people got feelings for me
I don’t know anybody who would find myself  interesting
It would feel nice to know I impacted someone so dearly
But alas I would never know because I too am scared to tell

I find myself in the pits of mediation whenever
I see tranquility in the scenery
In the same way to commit pacification with myself
It’s very liberating
But it just shows how fragility works for me

I want to wait for you
I really do
But it’s hurts me so bad
I don’t think I can take it

You will never really know what you truly do to me
(Sorry, I’m sad)

There’s so many reasons to cry
The same way, there’s beautiful reasons to smile

8:58 pm
As I look up to the sky
In this endless void of something
I find nothing
And as the wind rages on
I see the clouds moving to reveal stars
I fee everything being pushed by this force
Even my love for you
I see it now
There’s always gonna be something than nothing
And when you feel it
It just keeps on coming
Like stars
Oh the stars

When you **** a man in the name of law
You alone, have killed a man

A lie is worse (even when the truth is awful)

Why are there times that we don’t cry (even when someone dies)

Trying to find a little
Order in the chaos

So I take a bus ride
In the afternoon
You all look so happy, and me
I'm barely hanging on

This is what you do to me

Drag myself out on
To the floor
Trying to find a little chaos in the order
So I take a bus ride
Past your house every day
You never fully leave me
But you, you never fully stay

This is what you do to me -Gemma

No matter how awful I feel right this moment
I hope your happy
I hope she makes you feel nice
Thanks again

“Those Days”

Those days remind me of the loneliness you pulled me from my knees through
Remember, my head was the one in the water not yours
Your hands were over my head not mine

You forced your way in making me think I caused the infidelity
Your the problem, look in the mirror
I’m your reflection
Your not here

I don’t know you
But we sleep in the same covers

You cover
I cover

I’ll recover

(Nice sad convo)
Him) “see you tomorrow, alright”
Me) “you too.”

With a period

There’s so many things I hate to say
But it’s true
I miss you
The way you move
The way you walk
The way you look aloof

Fills the air
We intertwine  
Should have kissed you

But it’s true
It didn’t work
We didn’t try
I miss your curls
I miss your mind
I miss your body
I miss your name
Wish you felt the same

There’s reason I hate to say these things
But it’s true
I just missed you

I want to cover myself with the sheets while I cry
But I can’t breath
I don’t know what I want more

I wish to understand people
That when I have the chance to...
I don’t know.


I can’t get in your head
I can’t honestly see how you feel
But I can’t necessarily talk to you at the moment

We may fail in Things when it comes to living
But understand that we will always no matter what “learn”
Learn from them

That vacant stare of yours
Will and never scare me anymore
But I see it more often in myself now
And that scares me

I can’t stand the pain of waiting for you to text me back
I said to you “it’s better just to forget this all happened”
It’s a new year and I swore I’d stop doing these things
...
Waiting for you hurts me

Watch,
As my crumbs collect back together.
Watch me,
As I change into the person I want to be.
Watch me,
As I do the things I love.
Watch me,
Grow into a better person.
Watch me,
Learn to accept love from others.
Watch me,
Learn to love myself.
Watch me,
Change not just my life but the world.
Watch me,
Dissolve into the soil.
Watch me.
Watch me.

I write you letters everyday
Burn them
watch them fade away
Ask you where you going
Ghosting by
Goodbye
Angle
Bye
See you tomorrow (I hope I never see you again)
I hope your happy
I’ll be okay
I’ll be okay
I’ll be okay
I’ll be okay

You aren’t affected by this

Even though I’m giving myself time from stress of work and spending time with family having a good time
I rather spend this time with you
I know it may sound selfish
But I know I’m feeling something right

You gave me your most true answer
And I didn’t care what it would have been
I would have been happy for you either way
No one said I couldn’t cry about it though
So I still cry about it

After four years of not speaking
Hearing
Listening
Feeling
Looking
For you
I saw you today and wondered for a bit
How this long road stretched farther after that
How my breathing got heavier
How my eyes started to dampen
How my hair began to undo it self
How the light kept getting into my eyes
How I kept tripping on my way home
My shoulders started to weigh more
My head heavy
My sorrow more
I sit on the other side of the front door for minutes, hours, maybe even days not noticing  time move
Always feeling the same way I was when I was next to you
I whisper to myself
“You don’t know how lucky you are”

They used to think I was crazy
The would give me pills to “fix” me
I wasn’t crazy I just didn’t understand things
I was young!
But still I think it over and over that maybe I am
My own therapist quit his job
I remember just siting there with my head down listening to the words coming from your mouth
“It’s like he couldn’t help him”
I was young!
But maybe it was you that was crazy
You shouldn’t have to put anybody
Not even a kid through that
It messes with them

I like gettin you mad
The same way I dab red lollipops onto my lips to make them warmer
I wonder if you notice my change of tone
I’m just trying to get you hyped
I just want your attention
Your selfish attention
Your worse than me

You still bring me flowers
Only to see them die
By all the smashed vases you bring along

You said you were busy
But at least you like my recent photos
I purposely posted to see if you would like them
Glad to know we’re both up at 1am

You point to everyone including me
Saying in quotes
“I don’t need you, I don’t need you, I don’t need you!”
As you say your going to “******* leave”
A feel a sharp tear pass my face
First it was one
Then it turned to waves
I keep a stone face
I never knew I could be so strong
Without you