I am in misery
I am in misery
I am in misery
I am alone
I am alone
I am in misery
I can not take it too much longer
I am alone.
I am in misery
I am alone
I am unloved
But I am "loved"
With love that is an idea of me
I am a fraud
I am selfish
I am caring because it moves me to care
Because I care
No one truly knows me
No one is moved to know me
God help me.
I am a mystery
No one desires to solve me
But I know I'm not a mystery
To me
I am alone
I don't have anyone matching me
I don't have anyone to talk to
No where is safe
Every where there are knives
Stabbing me
I am pierced
My soul is in agony
Oh God!
I don't know what to do
I'm going to die
But I can't
I won't hurt the ones I love
No one understands
No one
Not one
And I depended on myself to be loving
And I failed
I failed
I am wrong. I am a misfit
I am tortured and stuck in in-between land
Jane Austin and
Elizabeth Barrett Browning
look at my walls
underneath wall papered
hydrangeas torn and flawed
I thought I was someone else then who I was
I am a fraud
A hypocrite
Without character
Someone under a light facing the mirror
I am the death of me
A thousand blankets I need
To hide from this cruel world
To hide me from me.
I am in misery.

Dear God,
I really  have no one else to talk to.  You know. I am alone.
I am alone.
No one wants me to be sad.
They have their own sadness.
I need more than a bandaid of offhand epithets.
I can't seem to take care of myself like I used to do.
And I am guilty of using opportunity to build myself up.
I'm losing my beauty.
And I'm afraid I'm losing my inner beauty too.
All I have now is determination to serve the ones you've given me.
And I'm failing them.
I'm failing me.
I need you to rescue me!
I don't know what to do.
People tell me to find a hobby.
A hobby?
My life is not a hobby.
My life is a mess.
I need help.
I don't want to fail.
It's all tricks and mirrors these days
Convincing others and myself I'm "okay"
But I'm far, far away from "okay"
I don't know what to do
I keep trying to escape from my suffering
My escapes are ruining my way out
I'm in pain God.
Gina used to rescue me and she's hiding.
I can't find her
She's lost in the tunnel that leads out of this life.
If I find her I'm afraid I will die.
Will I die?
Please don't let me die.
There must be a way to find her and bring her back to life.
Maybe she just fell asleep?
Is she in a coma?
What do I do?
Her dreams are stuck on the wrong side of the rainbow.
And she won't wake up.

Anguish
Anguish
Anguish
My body in a coil
My face wet with tears
My blankets wet with tears
Anguish

All this is but a moment and gone
Our hands held it
Kept it
Loved it
Until there was another one
And another
Our hands held it
Kept it
Loved it
Until there was another one
Our hands held it
Kept it
Loved it
But the moment was gone
Our hands dropped it
Lost it
Hated it
Until a moment full of moments
betrayed  the moment here and gone
Our hands found it
Held it
Kept it
Touched it
All this is but a moment and gone

Warm, snuggled in your bed
Sleeping
Dreaming
My darling sweet
I pray the Lord your soul to keep
Holding your heart
in oceans deep
Full of comfort, ease and peace
Resting your mind
Lifting you up on
clouds of pretty buttercups
Where Angels fly and stars above
Surround you with God's care and love.
💞🙏💞🙏💞

You are an enigma to me
Yet I know you
Complex, mysterious, kind
Cool
Fun
Sweet
Yet always elusive
To me
Close to me
You hold yourself apart from me
But never do depart
I try to to get through your tall wall
Then, then, and only then
I know
You are like me
And this will always be
Are you real? Do you feel? Yes
And it causes me distress
How can it not?
When I am without?
You
A casual word, laughter in the day,
Wise words that you say
Complete me
You hold me at bay
Bringing me closer to you
Frustrating my longings too
I submit
I quit
And bring it up again
I beat my hands upon your chest
Yelling in my heart don't quit me again
Leaving me
Then holding me
Touching me
Teasing me
Do you not know how crazy you make me?
Am I paying for the sins made against thee?
I give you my all
And meet your wall
That protects me
In circles of heights that I cannot fly
Above
Oh, my love, my love, darling dove
Where goes thy heart in the midst of we?
When shall we ever truly meet?
Even though I trust you
I tremble
Even though you love me
I wonder
Will I ever kiss you?
Will you ever hold my hand?
Will I, who I am, haunting you
withstand?
You are calm
You are in control
This, I know
But you have my heart, you have my soul.
Please, my darling, my love, my star,  don't ever go

I used to have a man
His clothes hung up next to mine
His boots spilled onto the closet floor

I used to have a man

His pressed shirts were buttoned the top to the third.
Clean jeans, wrangler, in a row.

His relatives' pictures on our dresser from ancient days of past... rodeos and portraits of his mother and his dad.

I used to have a man

Tools, belts, pick up and cologne

I used to have a man

Now he's gone and I'm alone.

I used to have a man

Good and Evil lived together
Living side by side

Evil didn't have a heart and killed Good in the night.

He tried to eat Good's heart but Evil spit the bite.

And since Good's heart was sacrificed, He fled outside her sight.

Where fire and brimstone thrash forever outside of Good's heart light.

Had Evil seen the light of day He would have found her heart

Good gave it as a present but Evil tore it apart.

He believed a lie and now will die without Good's heart to give...

all the love and light and kindness that would have made Him live.

There once was a Cowboy  Prince who cupped a Butterfly in his hands. He  promised to protect her and begged her to love him in his royal and pure romance.

She kissed him the way he taught her  ... and he tied her wings to his back.

Behind her, though, innocents were attacked. Their muffled cries were silenced until the day he laughed.

She gasped,  she cried,  she begged for their lives and crumbled in his grasp.

So the King of the land saved her.

He told her His plan.

She cut her wings without fear or worry of man.

So her sword slayed her.

She was free.

The patrons stared. Her children were scared. The Prince was simply appalled.  He was way too busy to see she was gone and partied all night long.

But up in the sky, she floated high, to the heavens  and stars up above...

While below and behold the Cowboy swayed without wings to bear his fall.

Butterfly Princess stands with the King, the One who helps her fly... along with His angels and broken  girls who the Cowboy Prince denied...

of truth and  love and honor and protection from his evil hand.

Am I dead?

Dancing in the moonlight, I sang a soothing song. You laughed.

I live.

Clouds come in on puffy fluffs. You float away.

Until the morning tide.

Waters suffocate me. Your hand on my mouth, pressing down so my parents can't hear. Lights dance inside my eyes as I press my legs together.

It's  too late. You impress me. Your seed has penetrated my womb and the child is born.

There's blood on my white pillow case. Shards of brick in my hair. A brick, broken in half on the floor.

My head is pounding, aching, throbbing.

My heart. Oh, my heart! It is dying.

Just like that
Its over
You called me names like you've done before.
"You're sorry to the bone,"
is what you said to me
and now?
You're dead.
Just like that

Florida winter sun seeps through my eyes and
awakens me.
I turn my head towards the window.
I see smokey clouds blanket the sky in a rosy, cozy way.
Husky blues swirl the morning haze as the minutes fly by
stirring the morning day.
I hear herons, blue birds and owls coo through palms standing high
now under all blue sky.

Let's pretend we really care about each other
Let's pretend.
Manage the sheer veneer enough to fool me
So I can hope you love me.

I realize now no one cares what I care about.
The closest people to me become infuriated if I don't give them what they want.

The ones I love have moved on without me, except for peripheral vision. They have their own lives.

Joanne and Christel, my sisters, no longer long for me....yet the younger tries.

My children love long distance; they're in the deep end of their lives.

Thank you God that you love me.  Or I would **** myself.

I am useful as a product. Not as a person.

I am my best friend.

We
Free
See
What we could have been
Who we should have been
Where we would have been
You and Me
We would have seen
Us

My chains hold me here to see you, keeping me from running away
The list of all that needs to be done goes on for eternity
Death is real.
Death of laughter.
Death of fear.
Death of hope.
Death of me.
I cease to exist, choking, laughing.
Please let me say "Good Bye"
Dear God, let me fly
Far, far away
Let me slip far away.

You, on the High road,
You're lower than you've ever been
Stomping on her fragile glass
with the hammer of your selfish whims
smashing perfect gilded dreams
hiding in skeletal remains unseen
that might have been;
a chance to right the wrong you did
was a never a thought, a notion, or wish...
Clutching her spine with all your grip
you twist
you win
You, on the High road
Lower than you've ever been.

.............................Water
                      lifts me
                up, flitting
             through my
                 fingers as
                   my hands
                            row by.



                                Both
                       moon and sun
                    float high above in
                 blue outer space. I see
                 them through fronds of
                   a palm tree sprinkling
                       light rays on my
                                face..............................

Soothing liquid drinking vine
Mondavi,  Bare Foot and their kind;
dry Chardonnay wine.
Monsters flee and angels race with every sip, a  faster pace, hiding horrors ...in their place;
strong Chardonnay wine.
You are loyal, kind and never blue, waiting in a bottle true, ever faithful, always new;
cheap Chardonnay wine.
Forget Chablis and Moscato, turn your back on Sauvignon Blanc. Even popular Pinot Grigio won't give you what you want. The reds are not in question, their often on my mind.  But in the end, I'm  loyal, and there's only just one kind;
very strong, very dry, very cheap and very mine;

Chardonnay wine.

My darling Romeo hypocrite


You try on love cringing in fear.


You think you are stoic?  You think you are strong?

Go then.  Go far, and far and yes even farther away. 

When exhaustion chokes you back here and pride is washed away, pull back the shades dear and have a beer.

He doesn't know about the money. He would **** me if he knew.  The painted picture of who I am is who he loves. Not me.

I enjoy him on the edge of a precipice, knowing a handy shovel in the back yard could clock me on the corner of my head.  He's used it before as a metaphor.  He said, "Hold on," stepping off the porch to the back woods of our yard.  He walked too purposefully to take a break to ***.  I knew! Instinctively I knew.

The shovel was in his sight.

Dread drenched me in cold, clammy clutches.  I searched for my escape, left and right.  Even up or under the couch. To no avail! There was none!  His eyes were black as stone, one hand around the wooden shovel shaft and one grasping the porch door handle to open it.

He walked in and stood over me, glaring down into my eyes.  Astonishingly and calmly he laid the shovel against the arm chair of our patio couch and asked me why I wanted to dig his grave.

Relief washed over me in a peaceful symbiotic wave.  I wasn't going to die!

Our conversation garbled on,  talking, talking, talking on.

He doesn't know about the money. He would **** me if he knew.

Soft, cuddly, cushiony here is where I am. Clear of clutter, problems, working, organizing, fixing.

Here.

I am safe. Away from everything and everyone. I am here.

Blissful, peaceful, resting nest. Wherever I am, I am here.

Tomorrow is so far away and yesterday is sleeping. Even today is on vacation while I am here.

I just don't want to go there.

Can't I stay here?

The city is all around us
I hear sirens and horns of ambulances...the police and firetrucks
While herons across the street peck their beaks into the green grass
They are not moved by the sounds.
I see palm trees  reflect the sun while cars race through our non thru  street,
Arbor Way.

Cool winds swirl grape leaves from my neighbor's yard.  It's hot. Standing in the doorway I left my chin up. Rewarding breezes soothe me. I can't wait for the air conditioning to be fixed. That's just the one thing out of everything gone wrong.

A dozen red roses stand in a vase, a gift from the twins and my daughter, her boyfriend too, looking beautiful. There's an unknown leak we've had for years in the ceiling and underneath the sink.   A Bull dozer is on the bank of our canal.

The city is here.

They're dredging all the water and stock piling rocks. The fish are dead and the turtles are gone. Even the alligator's song is lost among the grinding of machinery.

The city will stay until tomorrow. When the herons have flown and the water is high the taxes are blown and the lights are nigh.

The city is all around us.