Im filled with emotions,
I can no longer speak.
It’s like I’m locked in my own prison,
Emotions struggling to be released.

Within me i am drowning,
But I don my happy face.
An internal war roaring,
Struggling to keep it locked in the safe.

I can not allow myself to loosen yet,
Rarely am I allowed to.
Through the day i make it through,
It’s my happy mask that talks to you.

I wish I can let the feelings out,
As they trickle in.
All day the inside prisoners shout,
Grasping and clawing at my skin.

From time to time, late at night,
Raw words from a song will pierce the wall.
The feelings are flicked on like a light,
surrendering myself to the abyss as I fall.

I never knew,
that it would be the last.
Those times that we were side by side,
those times you were with me.

The late night talks,
the hours we spent watching the sunset,
It all has left.

I wish you would come back,
though, the world doesn't work that way.
I'll still hope.

Every time we ran to each other for comfort,
or just for some love,
The love we only saw in each other,
had now left a mark on my heart.

The day you left me,
not only you were gone.
It was the last time I saw myself whole.

The last time of it all.

In a world,
alone and afraid.
Its own shadows killing the light.
The rays are fading.

In a past life,
it was a dream.
With happy voices,
no fears to be seen.

No hatred
No loss
No bad.

I go to bed and dream,
The bed giving more satisfaction than anything in life.

I dream of wins,
of a perfect beautiful me.
I’m dazzled by the love surrounding me,
hoping it lasts forever.

                                  But everything good eventually fades

I wake up.
I try to cling on to the joy I felt,
but it’s long gone.
And so my day began.

I look in the mirror,
staring at the grotesque face I see in it.
Every bit of pain, every wound,
showing through the pimples and eyebags.

No one really sees your experiences,
not even your family,
It hurts,
but the world wants you to hide it.

Who is this broken piece of the past?
Who do I seem to be in everyone’s mind?
Who am I?

I can never be sure,
my true reflection is in to many broken pieces of a mirror,
in one that used to be whole.

I try to glue them back together,
but the edges keep cutting me.
Leaving a more permanent sting.

I see a lonely little girl,
scared to be alone.
That part of me taking over.
The happiness is leaving.

I will find myself,
eventually.
Until then, i’ll cry into the silence,
hoping the pain will go away,

If anyone asks, i’m fine.
No matter how much i’m bleeding,
I’m fine.

Those who say “I know her”
They don’t.
They see a part of a whole image.
Too lost to be found again.

So, who am I really?
I’m a human,
A lost, broken, ripped apart, confused one,

                                                   But still human.

I continue with my usual routine,
doing chores and homework,
wondering if everyone feels like this.

Does everyone feel this alone,
this lost?
Is all this just part of growing up,
Or am I just broken?

Soon, the afternoon comes,
and I stare out a window,
watching kids coming home from school.

I hear their laughter,
the joy in their voices,
and wish I was them,
happy and free.

I used to be like that,
happy with the universe.
Now I beg it
to free me.

But, every time I try to go,
it stops me.
I lose hope every time,
my attempts don’t work.

I hope joy comes back to me,
with it’s loving arms wide open.
Just for me.
But until then,

I’ll just dream.

The afternoon slowly comes.
The sun is ready to set.
I’m shoving the pain out,
through the push-ups and crunches,
and blasting music.

I push myself,
till every part hurts.
I don’t complain.
I deserve it.

But, the pain doesn’t last,
at least not as long as I wanted it to.
I deserve to suffer at least for a lifetime
and that’s the least.

After making the sentiment unbearable to handle,
I made it worse.


I step into the shower,
drowning myself in boiling water.
It stings,
but, not only because of the heat . . .

As the water washes over me,
I think about it all.
What if I finally did it?

                                     I know no ones gonna stop me.

When I finally come out,
I wrap myself in a towel,
Staring at my body.

It looks fat and disgusting.
The fat on my stomach sticking out,
Making me feel like a monster,
In a world of pure beauty.

As I stare,
I sob.
Every single time,
I stop an think,
“Why am I so ugly?”

                                    But I know I deserve to feel it all.

I come out of the bathroom.
“Go eat something,” my mom calls out,
But I don’t want to.

My stomach is begging for food.
My heart is saying just eat a little.
My brain says I need to get skinny to be loved.
To be pretty.

                                                      So­ I starve.

It’s now 2:00 am.
I lay wide awake,
Feeling lonelier than ever,
As everyone else is sleeping.

I can’t fall asleep,
When I know this is my chance,
to finally be free.

But, I can’t go.
I’m too much of a coward,
to forever let go.
So, I lay there.
Trying to sleep.

                                       Trying to dream once more.

.
                                                    I hate you.
                                                    I hate you.
                                                    I hate you.

You burned what was there,
Tore the pages we wrote,
and smiled as you watched the smoke go up.
You watched me crumble.
You laughed.

"Was it all fake to you?"
                                                      "Yeah­"

That one word grew thorns,
right around my heart.
Keeping it locked,
forever away from love.

The years turned to a blur.
Feelings changed to a memory.

Burn me.
Scar me.
Tear me apart.
It won't hurt me.

                                     You made me numb after all.

I don't care anymore,
for there is only three words,
I have for you.

                                                   I hate you.
                                                   I hate you.
                                                   I hate you.