I wonder what today will bring,
More stares from strangers as if I was dirt,
Scared of them finding out the pain beneath my shirt and jeans,
Forcing a smile and conversations with friends,
When in reality I can't wait to run out of the college gates
And isolate myself in my bedroom where I can write again.
Then tomorrow will be another process with an extra bit of pain,
An extra bit of doubt.

Done with this sad world,
If you need me I'm in hell,
Still better than here.

I have tried so hard to stay afloat,
But right now I could easily cave in
And let the waves push me down,
Let the current pull me to the bottom
Of the ocean and leave me there to die.

I am trying to keep myself alive to help
The ones I love the most from dying,
I can't bear the thought of losing them,
But in the process I am losing myself
Because I feel helpless and useless.
I fear that I can't do enough because I'm not strong
Enough to fight for them.
I feel like I have let everybody down.
But I'm not giving up yet.

I know you'll survive,
I know you can still hold on,
Please don't give up yet

I feel them,
Creeping beneath my skin,
Breaking down my resistance.
I am trying to pull away
But they are clawing me back,
Dragging me back to the top drawer
Where the skeletons encased in a little white box are waiting.

It seems to be a repetitive process,
No, a ritual
"I've been clean for four weeks, I can do this"
"I can't do this anymore. I can't cope."
"No, I've come this far, I can't give up now."
"**** it all."

It is a drug,
Injected into my veins and swirling around my brain,
Metallic nicotine

The worst part is, is that I have these urges because I can't even bare the smallest thought of sadness.
I can't even go through five minutes of brief heartache without wanting to throw it all away.
I don't even have a reason to feel this low,
I am weak and selfish.