LJ Chaplin

LJ Chaplin Jul 2013

When I feel sad or close to losing it, I write.
I need to write otherwise I start to think,
When I think I begin to imagine,
When I imagine I start to feel scared.

There are two sides to me,
Like Jekyll and Hyde,
But one has been silenced by the other.
Inside my body is the real me,
My skin, bones, flesh and organs are just the shell
Of what lies inside.

It's like there is another person,
Screaming and writhing in sheer anger,
Restrained by a straitjacket,
Throwing himself against walls,
The veins in his neck throbbing as he curses.

I never expect people to care,
In fact I nearly don't want them to,
I want them to be distant,
To stand in the bleachers and watch
The two sides of me battle it out.
I don't want them to be in the middle when the swords start to clash.

"You can't be lonely"
"You need to talk"

Talking only feeds the flames of feeling like a burden,
Being the thorn in a persons side as they try to tackle their own problems,
Another straw that hangs in the balance of completely and utterly destroying the camels back.

LJ Chaplin Jul 2013

Confusion

I walked the hallowed halls of college today,
And something inside me felt out of place,
I didn't feel my usual sadness,
The paranoia
The shame
The pain

But I didn't feel happy either,
I wasn't content.
It was like a black hole was forming,
A vacuum that consumed any burning star of emotion that I had contained,
Blank
Empty
Nothing

As I walked to lesson I looked at other people,
Friends crowded around the computer laughing and hitting each other,
Other students talking to teachers about their success on an assessment,
But here I am,
Wandering in a state of confusion as the world around me possessed the emotions I once held in my heart.

LJ Chaplin Jul 2013

Brave

To those of you who read this,
Who feel like they don't belong,
Who feel that they are the jagged puzzle piece,
Let me tell you one word that describes who you are:
Brave

You stare into the cruel faces of the ones who belittle you,
Who have made you feel like you are nothing
Like you are too fat
Too thin
Too ugly
A ****
A freak
A ******
A ******

You stare deep into their eyes and with all of your might you tell them,
I am braver than you
I am stronger than you.

You will NOT be defined,
You will NOT be dominated by the perfect society we apparently live in
You will NOT be contained like animals in the cages of your despair and live in the shadows.

Together, we will revolt against the ones who have pushed us into the dirt

We are soldiers. We march in unison with our heads held high and the shining sun of pride on our backs,

We are the renegades who will accomplish the mission who will wave the sweet flag of victory above us,

We are the people who are perfect.

Please remember, dear readers:

You are more than a number on the scale
You are more than a social stereotype
You are more than the blade you hold between your fingers

YOU
ARE
**BRAVE

LJ Chaplin Jul 2013

Angels

Angels are not just souls from heaven who possess wings and a halo,
They not just guardians that have been assigned to us by some spiritual being.

For me, angels are far more real and closer than they seem.
They have more than one identity,
More than one face,
More than one gender,
More than one soul to guide home.

They won't help you win your battles,
But will give you the strength and the ammunition to fight,
They will scream through your soul to your demons if they have to,
Just as long as you have the courage to banish them.

My angels have embodied many forms,
From a young woman whose heart is as bold as the vibrant pink in her hair,
Who has used her own personal suffering and grief to empower herself and everyone around her,
Who has continuously fought her demons and aided the banishment of those who dwell in the people close to her,
Who is braver, stronger and has more love to give than anyone I have ever known.
A heart of a Lion. A soul of a Warrior

To another, a young man who is distant but feels closer than ever,
Who has given me the strength to laugh,
Who has graced me with his strong humour and wit,
Who has never strayed despite the long hours that we spend without communication.
A heart of a child. A soul of a Samaritan

And finally another young woman,
She has given her heart to others,
Who has faced days of rejection,
But still has the ferocity to hold on and keep her head high.
A heart of gold. A soul of a soldier

These angels have helped me
To think again
To speak again
To live again

**And I thank them. I thank them and cherish them. I will always treasure their compassion.

This poem is dedicated to some very special friends. They have done so much, it's virtually impossible to thank them. I don't deserve their compassion and support.

LJ Chaplin Jul 2013

Scales

I did it again this morning.

I did the walk of shame to the scales in the bathroom.

I promised myself that I would stop doing it,
Stop shaming myself in front of the bathroom mirror
As the numbers rolled higher and higher,
A wheel of misfortune.

8 stone
9 stone
Please stop there
10 stone
11 stone
11 and half stone
Stop.

It's a surface consisting of metal and plastic,
It can't dominate my image,
But even if they weren't there I can still see it,
The inches on my waist slowly increasing,
My t-shirt size creeping from a small to a medium,
Other people who haven't seen me for a while making a comment about my image,
Wow Lew, what have you been eating?
*My feelings, thanks for pointing it out in front of everyone.

I know my poems have a repetitive theme of self image and confidence. But the only way I can express myself without getting worked up or upset is through poetry.

LJ Chaplin Jul 2013

This Beating Heart

This beating heart beneath my chest,
Beneath veins and bones,
Has broken more than once.

Lies
Loss
Love

They all shot my heart down,
Every bullet more cruel than the last,
And now it's bleeding out.

My pulse is slipping,
I feel life draining away,
My thoughts are fading.

But then I realise,
A broken heart is a flesh wound,
It can be patched up again.

Every stitch becomes an extra mile on the lifeline,
Every inch of wound that is closed is another door opened,
Every second that it heals equals another year of happiness.

This beating heart beneath my chest,
Is a warrior of prestigious proportion,
And I am the soldier who will guard its life.

LJ Chaplin Jul 2013

Haiku: Wait

I could write all day,
But my heart tells me to wait,
And to savour it.