I’m walking through fog
The future Blurry and Unknown
I wish I could say I like surprises
That I look forward to where I end up
I’m terrified
I’ll make one mistake and there’s no retry
No quick fix and I’ll end up walking miles to nothing

I’m scared of living to late
That I’ll miss the best chance of feeling alive
Because I can’t take failure
I’m tired of spending days trying to feel okay again
And one day I know I will need to fail
To go through the feelings of being alive
I don’t know if I can handle that

Depression is the demon in my bed that keeps me warm
It becomes my only friend when I push everyone else away
It knows my fears and wishes
Depression walks with me at night we talk to the stars and whisper with the trees
Depression nodded along when I told my father I’m suicidal depression hugged me in the backseat when he didn’t reply
Depression has kept me company when no one else did it shows me how beautiful the world can be because I know I will miss it
I will miss life but I don’t with to be living maybe my ghost will wonder the world and if that will be the case maybe happiness will come along

And some days I wish I could tell myself I’m okay
Without crumbling beneath the weight

and what if there chains i think tie me down aren't tied to anything and the only thing holding me back is my fear of being free

I cannot remember my happiness
I can find it in dandelions and sleeping under the sun at just the right peak
I can find it in figures and posters that make me excited but I can’t remember the last time I just went to sleep
When I didn’t crumble beneath the bedsheets
That good day I had was a distant memory
When I want to wake up for tomorrow
Not wishing to stay in my bed
When my excitement becomes disappointment because I have no one to tell
I am happy in a way that makes me sad

One day you will not be on my mind
And when I no longer think of you
I hope I am happier than right now

If this bed is to be my burial ground
I will lay in it anyway

You may be your fathers kin but you are not your fathers sin
And you are not becoming a monster just when you look in the mirror you see one
The alcoholic mother who couldn’t kiss you goodbye and the father who seeped in toughness always telling you to be a man I’m sorry
Sorry he hit you because you wanted a doll that was to girly or had your nails painted to the boys who got called names and home life’s weren’t to great do not become that man or woman in your life don’t see them in your reflection because I know you don’t like bullying the nerdy kids I know you miss the life in your photo that hides in your bookshelf the one where your mum was shining and your dad still a hero in your eyes
I’m sorry you grew up to quickly and can’t cry to your friends that boys are tough is a saying because showing your pain shouldn’t make it worse I’m sorry our society couldn’t save you

Am I in love with you?
Or just wanting you to like me
Is it a fear of commitment
Or am I confused
Sometimes I think this feeling is jealousy
But when I think of you kissing someone else I don’t really care
Do I love you
Or the idea that you love me
Is it attention I want
Or your arms wrapped around me
Am I scared of loving you
Or loving the idea of being loved

I still see you in my living room but you no longer sit on the couch
I see you in the backyard smiling into the sun but whenever I get closer you fade away I hope we will meet again and my heart can bare this pain until then

He was a lost love from the start
And i know i don’t love him
Not anymore but sometimes
I just want him to see what he missed out on
And sometimes i just wish he did like me
And sometimes i just wanted him to say i love you once
But i love who i’m with it’s just sometimes i imagine it's him
But the person i love makes up for it
Because he is beautifully charming and doesn't mind me saying
Stupid things at 3am and my bad habits the one i love isn’t perfect
But there's a beauty in his imperfection

Sometimes I wonder if the stars never shone in your eyes or I lost them in the darkness

I don’t want to be embraced and told it’s ok to be this way I want to be moved not told to stay

I didn’t realise how much of me held you

Sometimes when you say I love you
I wonder if you drank poison
Because you spit it out
Like it’ll leave a bad after taste

Like a siren she lured him in
a blissful melody took him to the deep
as she played her song
he believed the lyrics she sung
and fell in love
he didn't realizei he couldn't breathe
so he fell asleep to her voice

I hope someday I’ll be where you are

I think I still love you but even about this I’m unsure maybe I’m just hooked on what we once were maybe I just miss being in love or I’m stuck in the past looking at memories that I wish were moments we still had

you teared down my heart and used the pieces to rebuild your own

dont tell me you love me if your heart is undecided

173 days since we started dating
thats 5 months and 20 days
since i first said i love you

D
     e
          e
               p into the darkness
Romancing the fears bubbling up inside
I danced with my demons
And sing with the beast under my bed
I swallow my pills like m&ms
And chatted with the voices in my head
The mirror show me everything i hid
And i forgot when i dissappe

She lays in a cursed bed
Shackled and broken
Her body has become
A wasteland
Bruised hips
Burnt bits
fresh scars could be seen on her thighs
Her eyes blue as the sea started too drain down the sink losing all
The stars that once shone within them
She laid next to a phantom
Whos smile made ice melt
Who hugged her tightly against a chest with no heart
And a love that was never anything more
Than between the bedsheets

I say i love you like hello
Missing you quietly
Your warmth seeps into my bed sheets
Remind me of your embrace
You reminding me of dew in the morning
Sticking to everything i have including myself

She was beautiful
I couldn’t even look at her eyes afraid I’d stare forever if I did
I don’t know what it was that made her amazing
Plain and boring a normal person you’d never think twice about but
She was beautiful
And that was suffocating

i just want to forget that you were once my reason to breathe

These days everything taste gray
The flavours i once knew
Become memories laid to waste against tastebuds burned by your kiss
It is the last taste I remember clearly and also the one I can’t forget

days get shorter and nights are longer
Friends have disappeared
Or maybe I just left
Some days I don’t leave my bed
Other days just pass me by
I forget what it’s like to have fun
To be needed by someone
Do you ever get like that
Where you wait for a week to shower and can’t remember if you ate anything
The days where you’ve worn the same clothes because you’ve haven’t washed anything you own
Where you can’t tell if your lazy or depressed and then the sadness swallows you up again and all you want to do is not exist
So you slowly **** yourself
Along with your existence

maybe it's my own uncertainty
that makes me second guess
tells me in whispers that you've changed
but am i just over thinking
about the future i can't see
second guessing
even your love for me
or is it my fear
that everything isn't what it seems

Somedays I wanted to curl up inside myself and hope ill be born anew
I want to cut myself apart and build myself back up like LEGO blocks
And most days I feel like it can’t get worse that crying becomes painfully when chocking on my tears
My bed is a fortress and I am the princess locked inside or maybe I’m a bird in a cage a prisoner with a ball and chain
I want to die
I won’t sugar coat this saying depression is like falling in love
Or you only hate apart of yourself
I can’t look in my mirror anymore
I hate whatever I wear so I don’t leave the house that way I don’t need to Change
I eat to survive not to taste
I live for another day not my tomorrow
I smile for them not myself
but I’m still here
I’m still here

its so hard to explain my feelings and thoughts i want to leave or maybe just escape i hate school or maybe i hate myself?
i'm scared because i'm 17 and yes it seems like forever but i don't want to be like this at 20 i want to have a life do something be someone
but at the same time i don't know if i want to be here at the end of the year

Sometimes I wonder why I go back to you
When every time it ends in one of us leaving
You say you miss me but never message
Maybe you want me too crawl
But your not worth that much
I don’t need you
But i go back anyway
Maybe it’s being alone
That i fear so much

Why do i write?
Well why do you breathe
It's simple i have to
The words like a whirlpool
Twist in my head strangle every other sense
I type my heart onto a page
A blank page i fill with soul
For me my writing lives
It breathes and tells me to type
So why do i write?
Because i’m  absolutely mad

I made a playlist while we were together and it’s been left untouched because you left before I got the chance to give you songs that reminded me of you

You were everything I wanted to be but you were not me