Nights like this are when mornings come to quickly

I don’t like cigarettes
But I need a new addiction
Something else that can
slowly **** me
torture me like
Loving you did
Because without you
What am I supposed to do
To stop my itch?

She was perfect in every way
Yet she still managed to find flaws
I told her how amazing she is
She smile and said im not
But i know how hard she tries
When she got disowned
She still had her smile
Her father doesnt care
He pretends she's not there
Her mother loves her dearly
Its her stepfather whos made her hurt
I could write forever
Typing everything she's gone though
But its not my place to say
I might not be in her life when im older
I might be far away
We might not be  best friends
But i want her to know
I notice i care i owe her my life
Id be dead if she wasnt here
So that girl who puts her effort into everything
Rely on me
Because i know your hurt
And you say its ok but
I've felt like you
I've been hurt in a way that
Made me forget what to say
and taught  me how to pretend its ok
So don't look at me with eyes of pain
And pretend to smile it all away

Was i only air to you
A passing faze gone like the wind
I Loved you…
I loved you
And you don’t care
You left me.
And i vanished like the wind

I never liked coffee
But it reminds me of you
So I drink it anyway
And when it becomes lukewarm
I’m reminded yet again
That your gone...

he was only seventeen
when he went to war
he left with a smile
trying to tell his mother he'd be fine
i still remember the bluest eyes i've
ever seen walk into the distance gun in hand

he was only seventeen
when he went to war
i'd send messages back and forth
he'd tell me about the friends he made
and lost along the way
he'd say he was doing fine
a few misses with bullets raining down
on him but i know he was smiling
happy to fight for his country
it filled him with pride

Its been a few years now
since i saw him the messages
stopped a month ago
i thought maybe...just maybe
he was coming home
but then we got the letter
"killed in action"
the man with the bluest
eyes I've ever seen
wasn't coming home again

Caramel milkshake everyday I would sit here with her
Her eyes showed happiness
Her laughed breathed it
She with everything she was defined it
Not once when she got sick did she stop smiling in fact she shone brighter
Just a little bit brighter Then she started fading like a candle in the night
She was swallowed by darkness yet she smiled the doctor said she’s fading
She just laughed and said she’s not going yet
Even though I knew what she said was a lie
I believed it because she sat the old and pale with eyes that once showed happiness
And everything she was defined it
I finish my drink Grabbing my cane I realise
A Carmel milkshake
Brought her back every Sunday

I spew words about you onto pages you’ll never read
Pages everyone else see
I write down my fears and doubts
That I didn’t tell you
Instead we made out we kiss like lovers but my heart always stayed in a safe far away because my fear that it would shatter was what caused it to break

I want to make friends
But it always ends in failure
From beings terrible at keeping a conversation
To being left on read
I want to expand my bubble
But that’s hard to do
When even thing I say
is just not worth your time
From lol and wbu  
To
emoji face and seen :10.30
maybe I’m just hard to talk to or I just haven’t tried enough
But I didn’t know talking to people my age was as hard as it was

Alex said she couldn't wait to grow up
Alex said every thought in her head
Alex didn't leave home without a smile everyone who knew said she was a "happy girl"
Alex went away for a few days and was different afterwards
Alex screamed about demons in her head
Alex arms started having scars
Alex once said she couldn't wait to grow up
So why did Alex **** herself

I'm scared
It's in my dna
They always say that
'You'll turn out just like her'
Thats the road i'm heading down
A twisted fate almost a curse
I'm afraid and i've starting believing
Every word they said
Like a disease
I let it spead
My mind became a ball of bad thought
Repeating everything they said
I'll turn out like her
A mother who doesn't remember having kids
A person who tries to find themselves
At the bottom of a bottle
Smoking away everything thing she found happy
A mother who forgot
Her own daughters birthday
After all turning into her
It's in my dna

I feel like a ghost in my own home I keep to myself even though I live here I feel out of place like I’m visiting someone for the first time
That weird thing you do on the couch were you try to not take up to much room were if your offered food you politely declined feeling like a nuisance to get the food they paid for trying to not touch anything but also clean up because even though it’s not your mess your a guest so it fine but this is my home I walk so quietly like I’d disturb the dead I know this is home so why do I feel like a stranger when it’s all I know

you came back
because you wanted love and knew
i would supply

I fell in love with you
In everything you do
Your scent your smile
Your anger your happiness
I fell in love because I liked the way you contemplate which Ice cream to get
How you explained why stars are beautiful
I fell in love with how you loved
I fell in love with how you felt
I fell in love with everything that makes
You

She kept falling in love
Falling for strangers on the street just to feel loved
Because she was born with a heart to big to fit
And tears to small to see
So she smile like a song
Never really falling in love
Not with anyone

Hey dad I’m sad
He pushes me aside
Hey dad I need help
He gets mad says do it yourself
So I do
I stop asking for help
And even though my scars grow
I’m fine
Even when they call me names even when my friends go away
I’m fine
Because I don’t need help
Hey dad today was a good day

I once loved my best friend
More than a best friend should
Her smile made me happy
And i was sad on my own
I started falling for this girl id known
But i realised that this love was unrequited
And it should never of happened
So i pushed it away pretending that i loved another
And she already had someone she loved
So i ignored the pain in my heart and the voice that  said
Its ok to fall in love
Its been a few years and i still see her like that
But i've found someone who makes me happy
Someone whom i adore
Beside i pushed her away
I gave up this love
And allowed my cousin to make her smile
In things i could not

I’m the one who locked myself in
But I still look outside

I am worried about my future
Everyone says it's fine
That i can take it slow
I’m young i don't need to know what i
Want to do
But I am lost in a backstreet road that i have never walked down
A forgotten town that i don’t know the streets too
I am lost and everyone says it's fine
Without knowing the way or the destination
They tell me too keep going but what if the places I find
Are not what i wanted
What have i wanted
Were am i wanted

the glass is refillable

she always had a smile never showing how much it hurt
hiding her pain away from the world
building walls so high she couldnt see over them
a broken girl with a heart of a child
all she ever wanted was to be fixed
but she always says sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me
so why does she cry herself to sleep because of the lines etched on her skin and the demons repeating ever word that made her feel worthless

I think about leaving
A lot more than I should
I know I love you so much
That’d it’d break my heart
If only I could stay
But three more months
Is my limit
And I feel like
I’ve started counting down days
I enjoy being with you
But there’s more flaws than I can handle
And I know we’d have tough times
But
I didn’t know I’d be alone though them
Because when I need you most you seem to become a blank screen
A video game is all you see
And you say you love me but honestly I don’t know what you mean
You show it when it’s meant to but do you ever want to text me
I love you ?
Because the conversation only starts if I talk
Otherwise it’d be silence and nothing more
And maybe I’m looking at this wrong maybe it’s my anxiety and I’m staring at a mirror that only shows my flaws
I’m reading the book backwards
And knew the ending from the start

They say being different makes us unique
But when our skin is different we become incomplete
If we are born to that of a race that is to dark
And not white
We become outcast
I'm not being racist but why is it that being black
Is looked down upon
Growing up id feel the constant stares the hate filled looks
Being a little kid i didnt understand
Just miss understood
I never knew what i consider my beauty others consider my flaw
Because i'm not like them i had to fight each day
Because i'm not white
I had to worry about being shot
Or getting killed by the cops
I'm not saying this because i'm black
And i may seem racist but i'm stating facts
I'm am a person of colour but why does my colour define me
My skin is just a part of me like colour on a canvas there's a bigger picture
I am not the colour of my skin
I'm me
And why is that so hard to understand
When did our value become our skin
If i'm black and they are white
Why am i treated like i've got no right
The colour i am isn't me
Why does no one understand
To be seen as something other than right
I'm human not paper
Dipped in the wrong colour
but black isn't a colour its a shade
so what am i if not just human
I don't want to be name called and looked down upon
Have my colour become an insult
And hate myself because i'm
Not white

I hope you live well
That you are loved and happy
And one day when you miss me
I hope I’m somewhere there

We tiptop around our feelings in hopes the other will say it first but I’m to untrusting and you’re worried about change

You broke my heart like you were use to it
I took you back trying to find the pieces of me
You came back with a grin if only I had know I was there for your humour
Weeks go by and you leave again and I was more shattered than the first time even though some part of me had realised you’d go
I guess I’m use to it
When people leave they take a piece of you with them maybe it’s so you always have a missing part of you or because that’s the trophy they collect once they finish their game who knows I don’t but I’ll move on because a part of me will always love them but I will not stay chasing my past to not see my future

i want to watch movies
have sleepover and buy silly things
i want to have friends
i just don't think i can trust
another person again

I want to live well but I don’t think it’ll happen where I am and who I am can’t change in a day I want to get a job but there are non around me so I’m making it by off government money and my father tells me I can stay but I don’t want to live this life staying forever out of fear nothing can change

i hope you find someone better to love

I can’t wrap my head around my thoughts
Sometimes all I can do is think
Think like a tv with a static screen
A buzzing that won’t go away
The constant this or that
And then nothing at all like an empty house whose floorboards creek with a whisper from the wind
Sometimes I prefer nothing at all the silence
The empty streets that echo my step when I walk knowing it’s just me
But then it can be to much its hail on my roof as I toss an turn trying to get everything to stop when silence is loud
A blizzard that comes so quickly like a scream from a man with no voice to be heard
To the fly I hear buzz in the dark
I wish my silence was peaceful enough that I could sleep

its hard trying to find a job when all i can do is try and write poems
its not something in demand right now and even if it is i can find how to apply
i don't know how to do anything
maybe it's because i stay up to 2am and forget to eat
or im turning 17 in about 4 weeks?
maybe it's trying to find effort to go to school every morning
for teachers who say im whats called a "problem child"
i can't push my problems away or use excuses like "they didn't help" or "it's not my fault" because i know my problem
i can't get a job

maybe the reason we love from the heart
is that we can't live without it
maybe thats why
i can't live without
you.

Death is boring
A dark void of nothingness
Some people choose death
Others accept
But life
Life is feeling a soft breeze though your window
It’s listen to the crickets at night
Life is children’s laughter and....false hope
It’s the chance to breathe underwater
And death is knowing you’ll suffocate

She danced in my dreams
like a ghost she faded from memories
And i know it's been a year now
but i still hear her heartbeat
Caressing me in bed and
Her smile destroys me because the last words she said
With the smile that shone like a jewel i’d never find
“ g
      o
          o
             d
                 b
                     y
                          e”

I’m afraid of that terrified even
I push people away because I want them to stay
To show that I’m worth fighting for
Or maybe it’s my defence because no one chooses me
So I push you away before you can pick to leave
This is my apology that will never be enough
I should of said
I know you love me
Not question why
I should of showed you I loved you
Instead of fighting it  
I shouldn’t have thought it was better if you loved someone else
Because at that moment you loved me
And that should of been enough
And It was
But my fears and self doubts held me back
So when I love someone again
I’ll love them
How I should of loved you

and all the lovers i'll never have
caress their lovers in bed sheets
that hold their hearts with
smiles i'll never see
and sometimes i
wonder if i was them would i feel complete
their souls skinny dipping in the gold heat
of the oven light as the open bay window
shows a galaxy
with a thousand stars baring their hearts that
makes me wonder
if i enough will my dreams come true