The metallic taste in your mouth
The smell
Now rip you to shreds
For the blood in which my mouth is draining from your body
The faint pain
The visual grasps your trying to hold onto
I own them now
At last
The last drop
No hesitation as your body drops to the floor
Empty

Can you picture it ?
This little black fuzzy warm coat on this teenager in 103 degree weather
"My goodness she must be warm"
"Take the jacket off its too hot for it"
"I'm FINE, but thank you for your worry"
I was FINE.
I liked hiding behind this black jacket
It was apart of me and it kept me comfortable
Even if it was 103 degree's outside
Cover the tummy
Cover the arms
Cover the wrists
Cover the bruises
Cover the scars
Cover the scratches
Cover the back
Cover the chest
Cover the finger
Pull it over your hands
Like a shield
If someone forced me to take it off
It was just end of the world
I had to go somewhere else so that I could wear it.
The freezing computer room was my favorite
At least I was comfortable
Somewhat
I wasn't exposed in just a T-shirt
even though I wasn't exposed
"Your a beautiful young lady."
"Why do you hide behind that jacket"
I was just so scared to answer
But I can answer now
I didn't want the janitor that followed the girls around the school to notice me and make his new path into mine
I didn't want the feeling of being watched all the time
I didn't want that shadow laying on my back
Didn't want all eyes on me.
So this little black coat became my security blanket
In bed it made me feel like the wondering eyes were no longer there.
Even if they didn't exist
Like the cameras hidden in the the little thumbtack holes were gone
Or if they weren't they couldn't see anything
Like the man under my bed went away because there was nothing interesting to see
Nothing to see here
All I have to do is wear this coat
Going into the bathroom pulling it down towards my knees
Covering up everything that exists about my body that can be used for someone else's sick pleasures
The 2 sided mirror wasn't going to capture anything
Except my little black coat

My brain pushes everything into this big deal
I drop my paint brush and.....its like I'm dying
The end of the world
Like left is left and right is right but what if left is actually right and right is actually left
What if when it rains its just a count down in the amount of times its going to rain till the world ends.
When I ***** up
It's like I dont deserve to be on this planet
Like my breath is a waste
I'm a waste
I burned the cookies I was supposed to make for my niece
Shes going to feel left out
Shes going to hate
My brain thanks me every time i do something correctly
Like thank god I can have a break from tearing myself apart.
Oh look another mistake
Better go jump off that cliff over there
You have nothing better to do all you can do it ***** up
I used my brand new markers the other day
Now I cant use them anymore because then they will run out and I wont have them and they will be gone
The bigger mistakes are even worse
Like I torture myself to sleep because that just how this thing goes
You know
This "chemical imbalance"
This brain of mine man
Just wish I could have a break

Your sword made of words that pierced me for the last time
Your strength made of the blood from my body that you spilled
Your humor made of the bruises of my skin that you caused
Your smile made of the tears fallen from my eyes rolling from my cheeks that you've slapped
Your pride made of the pain and emotional hurt you bestow upon me
The irony of your good points being my weak points
Only my humor is made of the strength I took back from you
My smile is made of handcuffs slapped on your wrists
My pride is the breath I breathe each day your no longer breathing
My life is made of the possibilities and the other plans I could have had that you took but bettered by the fight within my body and my mind to continue to beach waves
My happy place made of sand and salt water
The sea shells beneath my feet
The sound of my voice singing in the night making me feel better when I was all alone.
Because being alone was made of comfort the sound of waves crashing
Because I'm made of happiness and possibilities of positivities and cool breeze from the empty ocean.
I'm made of Star Fish and Jelly Fish
I'm made of Sharks and Dolphins
I'm made of Whales and Sting Rays
I'm made of my happy place
I'm made of all the things that kept me going in my time of struggle and I kept it all and I will always keep it all for the rest of my breathing body.
My secret made of the island I somehow always traveled too.

The waters running
overflowing
The music is blaring
The neighbors are calling
The cops are coming
Gate jumping
Laughing
Friends wondering
Tree climbing and fun having
Knees scraping
Grass staining
Street lighting
Curfew having
Morning waking
Fun day repeating
Ice cream melting
Ball throwing
Frisbee catching
Abandon buildings exploring
Window breaking
Sugar cane tasting
Memory making

I am hear today
I am able to speak
I can breath and my hearts beating
But I feel like I lost
I lost what I thought was the light at the end of the tunnel
The long dark tunnel that all the monsters attacked me
One monster
Actually
I lost you and i lost me in the same breathe that was your final
I lost a bit of me that I won't get back
I fought everyday but that monster took you
And i wish he would have taken me too at times
At  least the nightmares would have ended and I would be holding you
Taking a breath at the same time as you
Watching you grow because I believe heaven is your happy place that you grow in beauty but age disintegrates.
But my age goes up and my body duplicates its self by stealing strength and replacing it with thinks like wrinkles or grey hair
I'm not old enough to have that but it will come soon
But I lost and I'm stuck here looking at the sky
Searching for you.