September 26th, 2013 was the last time I heard your voice
Looking back now if I could have held onto the sound I would've
Everyday since then I've mourned for you as if you have died
In my heart it feels like you have and to be honest I've wished it that way
At least then I'd have a headstone to cry over, ashes to spread
Then at least I'd have natural causes or a person to blame
Instead the blames fall in my hands, the heaviest weight in the world
I have wished so many times for you to be home safe with us
That I swear if you look hard enough you can see it written in the fog
Clear as the light that shines upon me from the full moon in the sky
I remember the pain exploding in my chest as I realized I lost you
I lost the battle against everything I was trying to save you from
As your friend, sister, protector, guidance I had failed you
For months I obsessed over the dream of hearing you again
Until enough days had passed that it was just a whisper in my thoughts
When the summer wind turned to chilly autumn rain
I woke up on my front porch fresh tears on my cheeks
The step beside warm where you had been sitting
Reassuring me that it wasn't my fault, kissing my forehead
Preaching my own words to me and getting through to me
Finally I found hope again within myself
November 6th, 2014
It's an ordinary morning crawling slowly by
My life is in an uproar of chaos I can not control
Then I'm staring at my phone reading your words
Shaking my head wondering if this is another dream
Calling your brother until he picks up and crying until I can't breathe
Telling him he has to get online, he can't waste any time
That his brother is online and doing so well.
Hello Dommy,
How I've missed you these past few hundred days.

Little Baby Jane

Showered with love

Brought up with grace

Yet, something was missing

Like a picture without a face

This baby of my past I can not see

I don’t understand how that baby was me

Lost in thought

With little memories of my pain

So I call this sweet child little baby Jane

I lie awake at night With tears in my eyes

Wondering how her mother, my mother, could go on

When her baby would grow up wishing it was lies

How could she run from place to place

While her little Tabbycat continued her chase

Looking for her mother Hoping she’s changed

No longer a druggie, finally saved

Until then,

Little Jane will hide away

Her mother, my mother, still missing

Her past, my past, still unclear

Living each day with a strange sense of fear.