There are some things I want to say to you.
First off I will never ever make our child think less of you, no matter how your role in their life plays out. I will always tell them that their father is an amazing man. Ambitious, hard working, driven by his passions. I'll look at them with tears in my eyes as I rock them to sleep telling them all the reasons I love you. I will always make sure that our child doesn't feel abandoned. I understand I am a single mother. I have to rely on myself to raise this child and that's okay. Please know that while I may be some backwards farm town girl who runs around barefoot eating with my fingers I will be an amazing mother. One who will not be afraid to get messy. One who will pretend to be every super hero, cartoons character and farm animal there is. I will try my best to always make our child smile, but there will be days when I can't and I hope that when that day comes I'm strong enough to help hold some of their worries on my shoulders.
You see this child may be unplanned for however even as just a small raspberry in my stomach I refuse to ever think of this child as unwanted or unloved. My entire life revolves around what is best for my child now. That's okay.
So please just know. We will be alright. We will survive. We will always accept you into our lives.

I feel like a softball net

Nobody knows how my frame is supposed to go

So they build it up

Then decide it’s not right

They tear me down again

I’m a softball net held to my frame by my friends

But each friend that holds me is fragile

Like an over used rubber band

Their hooks scar me deeply

Friends come and move around

Some break and fall

A piece of me now gone from my frame

While others grow stronger

Hooks digging deeper

While I continue to fall and be refastened

Something else is thrown at me

Drama

Big, small, fast, slow, friends, home, school

They’re the softball that hit my net

Each new drama rips my net just a bit

Or knocks another piece loose

On and on the cycle goes

Frame changing

Net ripping

Hooks digging in and falling out

Rubber bands snapping

To my son.
This is me, apologizing.....
I apologize for all the bumps in the road. For the nights when I stayed up rocking you unsure of where we would sleep tomorrow.
I apologize that your daddy couldn't be there for your birth, he was there with me until I left for the hospital. Know that he is a good man who got caught up in the wrong woman.
I apologize for all of the times I lost my temper, I never wanted to be a screaming parent and I hope that when you read this you look back and think "but you rarely yelled".
I apologize for never feeling that I was a good mother, I hope that the way I felt about myself never affected your views of self worth.
Lastly I apologize for being just a kid myself trying to raise a better child, if I ever make you feel disappointed, disrespected, angry, or resentful I apologize. I love you with everything that I have... I am trying little bug.... Mommy is trying.

one* I am a writer
two I am a submissive
three Life has handed me tons of lemons and I just don't know what the hell to do with them
four I do not know everything no matter how hard I try to seem like I do
five I hate yellow cheese, I don't know why but I hate it
six I love dogs. All dogs.
seven My relationship is more or less complicated as hell
eight I will never be a size 00 again.
nine My job *****.
ten I am not ready to be an adult.

There, those are ten things I know to be true. Do they make sense? Not really. Do they tell a story? No, I guess they don't. But are they all true? Yes.

Camper bed

Comfy enough

Tiny for us

No good for ***

Perfect for cuddling

Curl up right in your arm

Feel you breathe in

Wait for you to breathe out

Match our inhales and exhales

Hoping to match up our hearts

Melting the two beats into one

Drifting off to sleep slowly

Blinking trying to stay awake

Smiling because you say my name

Whispering I love you’s

Closing my heavy eyes

Opening them to you

Brushing hair out of my face

Camper bed..

You are **** and love approved.

I shouldn't be feeling this way
My life is almost perfect
I'm doing good in school
I have a wonderful boyfriend
I get rewarded when I do good
I have a family that loves me

So why am I still feeling lost
Disappointed in myself
Slipping backwards into depression
I think about the past
When I could cut without being seen
Half of me wishes that's how it could be

Right now I feel numb
Nothing to stop me
I could watch the blood pool
Watch it run down my arms
I could feel pain again
I could feel in control

Why do I feel this way again
I have no reason to be unhappy
No reason to self-harm
I have so many reasons to smile
Yet I can't bring myself to do so
I just want to break down
Go back to how I was
Just for a night
Just to watch the blood around my knife

Why aren’t we friends anymore?

Is it because we just gave up trying?

Or is it because we’re opposites?

You’re popular, everybody loves you

You have Kayla, your picture perfect girlfriend

Not to mention you’re a straight A student

To the untrained eye you’re basically the perfect boy

But me?

I’m not popular

In fact most people dislike me

I’m not considered beautiful

If I’m lucky I’m merely pretty

I’m not good at sports, or really anything

I can barely pass the mile in gym in under twenty minutes

I do alright in school, but I’m not genius

Guys aren’t exactly fighting to ask me out

We are totally and completely opposites

I’m not sure what made us friends in the first place!

Apparently whatever it was wasn’t strong enough

Girlfriend > Best Friend

It kills me to know that you tell her everything

Girlfriend trumps best friend

She knows you better then me

Which kills me inside

Just tell me where we fell apart

Where did I go wrong?

When do I get my best friend back?

Where did you even go?

I feel like that girl who had to sleep on a pea

To prove that she was a princess

I’m not so lucky, it’s not a pea I’m sleeping on

I’m sleeping on a bed of sharp nails

To prove I’m not a **** up

That girl came in from the pouring rain

Couldn’t sleep on the tower of mattressess

On top of that very tiny pea

I can’t ever really come in to escape the rain

No matter where I go I’m followed by a cloud

It never stops raining

On really bad nights it feels like it’s hailing

The bed of nails, the raining cloud

It represents and constantly reminds me of my

Memories, regrets and pain

From my past, my present and my future

So when I finally close my eyes

On top of that bed of nails

Under the dark rain cloud

I dream of a like better then mine

Hoping that one day

I could trade places with that girl

Who sleeps on top of the pea

Drama Cloud

Last year I was just a drama cloud

Raining down with problems

No light would shine

As darkness grew between us

Best friends to nothing at all

In the blink of an eye

I found it so hard

To have to say goodbye

I worked hard all summer

Trying to change

Now I stand here

Finally talking to you

It seems like

My efforts have paid off

I have my best friend back

No longer a drama cloud

Raining down problems

Instead a cloud

With a beautiful silver lining

It used to be so easy

The drama didn’t matter

Your smile made my day

Your laughter filled my head

My shoulders felt lighter

With the sound of your voice

Now everything’s complicated

The drama never stops

Your smile is forced

Your laughter is gone

I feel trapped inside my body

Like a voice that can not speak

While life goes on around me

I’m forced to keep discreet

When people talk to me

I wish to say the words

To let them know

I’m alive deep inside this body

But my screams can not be heard

Somebody hear me please

Lift this curse and set me free

Yet, every night turns into another day

In which I’m trapped inside this dying body

Fairytale Life

fairytale life

All I want is my fairytale life

It all starts and ends with you

Everybody says don’t go back to him

He’s no good for you

Think about what you have

Why give it all away

For a daily struggle

Just to make him stay

*k.d.s.

Slowly as the days go by I lose friends

Most that I hoped I never would

I wonder where the friendships went

What happened to the memories?

Now we’re left here at the beginning

Of two very different and separate paths

You’ll take yours and I’ll take mine

Maybe someday our paths will cross again

I hope they do

Because I still have so much to say.

his brown eyes

reflected his unfaltering love

my mistakes

filled them with tears

today he flinches

when I come near

as if the sight of me

is to much to bear

I can’t take it back

but never shall

I move on

I took his faith

and tore it to pieces

10 months & 20 days

of happiness

then 4 days

of my doubt

my lies

my attempt to protect

my harsh goodbyes

it was my fault

I just hope

he can mend

his first

broken heart

*J.L.

Hazel Aurora

Such a beautiful name

She’s the angel of my dreams

Protecting me throughout the night

Soothing my pain and my doubts

Some nights she’s still a baby

I hold her close

It’s my job to keep her safe

Other nights she’s grown up

I’ll push her on the swings

She’ll laugh like her daddy

Scream ‘higher mommy higher’

I’ll give her under dog after under dog

Until she’s swinging on her own

No matter what age she is that night

She’ll always ask for her daddy

Where he is and what he’s like

Why he didn’t want to be around

Her biggest fear is it’s her fault

Hazel Aurora

She’s the angel of my dreams

The demon of my nightmares

She’s the last piece of my fairy tale life

The life that will never be

There was one a person who made me feel safe

held my hand when I began to fall from grace

This person is my soulmate the one I miss

he brought me love and unlimited bliss

Then I went and messed it all up

Sent him into a downward spiral

He gave me all he had

I threw it all back

I’m still in love with him

He’s trying to give me a second chance

Okay it’s like my third chance

But I won’t give up

I won’t give into temptation

Even if we’re not together

I won’t be unfaithful

He is my first love

My only love

My best friend

The guy who saved me

The guy who loved me

Even when I was impossible to be around

He was perfect…He is perfect….

J.T.L.

click* Signed off facebook
double click signed off skype
right click signed out of my games
You don't want to talk?
Fine we won't talk
I will just do my own thing
I will do the minimal
Eat the minimal
Work the minimal
Be happy the minimal
I will only do enough to please you
Nothing more
Nothing less
I will be referred to as
Nothing but your Slave
I will not be your babygirl
She has been lost
You can not tell your babygirl
To never speak to you again
Then expect her to speak to you
She is hiding from you
Does that make you proud?
That you made your little girl hide?
You are a Sir and a Master
That is all.

You know that saying that everything happens for a reason?

What’s the reason….

I was born a beautiful daughter

Not knowing each day alive would be another struggle

Left at a babysitters longer than expected

Little tiny baby no longer protected

Bounced around from town to town

Biological parents no where to be found?

Sick with illness, shadowed by fear

Why is this poor child destined to be here?

Skip ahead a few years

Baby is now a toddler

Pat and Lisa are mother and father

Growing everyday

Her faith getting a little stronger

Don’t be fooled

Her past did scar her

She’ll find this out later

From toddler to teen

Slipping deeper into trouble

Pre-K all the way up through

Smart as hell

Yet, fall behind

Defiant, rebellious, stubborn

Outsiders say oh she’s a typical teen

They don’t know she’s out of control

So lost, no where to go

Ups and downs

Can’t believe the little she’s told

She won’t reach out for a hand to hold

What’s ahead?

Nobody knows

Teen to adult

Avoiding the cult

Will she make it?

What about her past

How will she take it?

Can she bury it fast?

Might the truth

Ultimately scar her?

It’s almost here
Christmas time once more
This year it’s different
I’ll be 18 in 24 days
Officially an adult
Expected to act like one
It’s almost as if people think
This day magically makes you mature
That’s not the case
I’m still hung up on things
Things that I was promised
Things I was told
Things that have yet to happen
And things I did in the past
I’m not ready to be an adult yet
I can barely keep my temper at work
Never mind adding on bills and college
Part of me wants to go back in time
Be 10 years old again
But then I remember
When I was ten all I wanted was to be 18
To be treated like an adult
To have people ask me when they don’t know things
Instead of being the clueless kid
At least I know I’ll always be his babygirl
His little girl, his princess, his whole world
That when being an adult gets too hard
All I have to do is ask for some little time
I can go back to being a kid again
******* my thumb, eating spaghetti O’s
Just relaxing without worries.
So as my 18th birthday approaches
I remind myself that it is just another day
There is no rule book for the day you turn 18
Nor is there a manual to life
So I’ll just enjoy the feeling it’ll give me.

I've come to a conclusion.
My past is my own self destruction.
While my environment verbally & mentally
Took its own sick & twisted toll on me
I took an emotional & physiological toll on myself
I allowed myself to give in to what they wanted.
Told myself that their lies were the truth
Which meant if I lied I was telling the truth
I convinced myself that if I stopped fighting
It would be better to be an empty drugged shell
I lost myself. In the worst way possible
I self destructed my education
Self destructed relationships because I never learned how to build healthy ones
I hurt those who loved me & at that time I had no emotion left except anger & fear
They didn't even need to continue to abuse me
I brought it on myself by tearing my life down
However... I tore it down because I wanted something more than that...
So here I am
Battling every day with myself
Telling myself to keep going
That I am ready
Ready to stop self destructing
Ready to learn and experience
Ready to let go of my anger and fear
Ready to be the person I wanted have the chance to be.
So please...
Forgive me if I struggle.
Forgive me if sometimes things don't click
Forgive me if I get really angry really quick
I'm trying the best I can.
Please don't give up on me
I am a good person.
I will become far more than who I am now

My Brother
He won’t hug you or tell you he loves you

He might ignore you and say hurtful words

He doesn’t talk much and gets mad easily

But he’s my brother

Almost 18, a full adult

Someday he might hug me

Maybe even tell me he loves me

Someday I’ll tell him

I’ve kept that glow in the dark star

Above my bed ever since he let me take it off his ceiling

I keep it there so I can think of him before I fall asleep

So he can be my 11:11 wish

Maybe someday I’ll even tell him

How much it hurt when he’d refuse

To hug me or even look at me

Even in his quiet tough attitude

And brave expression

I can still see my big brother

You're kneeling on the ground
Picking up the pieces of your
Once again shattered heart
I'm finding it harder to sympathize
To tell you it's all going to be okay
When I'm not sure if they will be
They say you should never push a loyal person
To the point where they don't give a **** anymore
You've pushed me pretty **** close
How can I pick up your heart when I can't even find
Half of the pieces that belong to my own?
You talk about drinking to make yourself hate her
Not drinking to numb the pain of missing me
No it's to take away the heartbreak of being without her
Is it my cuddles, hugs and kisses you want
Or just the feeling of being loved?
Do you really need me or do you need the company?
Have I ever been anything other than a rebound?
I try not to let myself question it when you say you love me
But lately it's all that runs through my mind
How long can I be a second choice
When do I stop being an option to you?
You built me up so I could finally see my own beauty
Yet now I feel like you look right past it
What's the point of feeling beautiful when the man you love
Is finding all the beautiful things in another woman?
I still love you I always have and I always will
I just need to know if this time is for real
Or if it's just for another four to six months
Then she'll be back, you'll fall for her again
Maybe then I'll save myself the heartbreak
Settle for what's easy rather than what I have to fight for.
Easy over crazy.

Want to take a step or two

Living a day in my shoes?

I dare you to try to smile, not cry

Walking through my life is like balancing unstably on the tip of a knife

Swirling emotions, so out of control

It’s like your life is a highway toll booth

Each person drives by leaving some drama

Doesn’t stop…

No hello or goodbye

Just another trauma

By the time you’re back in your own shoes

You’ll feel hopeless and confused.

So take a step or two

Live just one day in my shoes

Listen

Learn

Feel

No way you can heal.

Just wonder how much pain I go through

I live 365 days a year, each year in these shoes.

Falling in love with someone
Who loved you first is hard.
To see them look at you as if
You hung the stars in sky & wonder if
You could ever love them the same way. You see he fell in love with me
From the very start & he became
My closest friend, ally and supporter
The man who knew more about me
Then anybody else & who watched
As I tried to give my all to a boy
Who he knew would never value me.
When I finally stopped & accepted
The love he was already giving me
Our entire lives became a bit brighter.
He held his head a little higher now
& I felt a little safer knowing I am his
I fear those thoughts of doubt though
Those ones that may lead him to ask
If I settled for him.
To which the only response for him
I have to give is...
Not at all. He is the best thing I ever allowed myself to have.
He is everything I want in my future.
He was never a second option
He was simply an option I wasn't sure
I was deserving or ready for.
He is everything I could ever ask for
I know we will both grow to be
Better people together.
He fell in love first however
Together we fell in love every day now.

Life is hard

Without you here

Painful words

Countless letters

All begging for forgiveness

Hoping life might get better

Don’t you understand?

Don’t you see?

I need my brother

My best friend

I need you now

I’ll need you forever

Like mother like daughter

Without a face to the name

The saying ‘like mother like daughter’

Shall never be the same

How can I know if I’m following her path

If I can’t even remember

When she called last

How can I ever know if I’m anything like her

When she won’t let me in

She won’t share the secrets she holds so tight

About the past

My past

Everything she’s kept within

If I’m destined to be like my mother

How will I know?

Will I end up reading a poem

Written by my own daughter?

Will she sprawl her words and tears

About how she spends her own life wondering

When and if she’ll meet her mother

How will she know when she’s really loved?

Am I becoming my mother?

Even on mute
I type carefully
As if just the sound
Of the keys would wake him
I watch his eyes flutter
Faintly hear his lashes brush against
His baby soft skin with every movement
I listen to his breathing
It finally falls into a soft rhythm
He looks so peaceful, so innocent
I know in this moment
That I could watch him sleep forever
The only thing I’d want is to be there next to him
To keep him safe, to take care of him
Most of all
I want to be the first thing he sees
When his eyes flutter once more
And they open slowly still half asleep
I want to watch the smile
He gets when my fingers brush against
His still warm cheeks
Until then I'll type carefully
My words full of love
Waiting for him
To slowly wake up

So Cliche we say

We say we’re meant to be

Together forever

So cliche

We’re an on again off again couple

Torn apart by the distance

Brought back together by our love

We make promises on top of promises

I wonder how many we’re going to break

One step forward always feels like ten steps back

Forcing a smile when you ask if I’m alright

Never confessing my fears

Baby names and wedding plans

We think we have it all figured out

Dreams of our beautiful unborn daughter

Makes it impossible to let you go

I want our fairy tale life

Just not sure how to make it work

Scared to give up what I have

For the chance to be with you

A lot can change in a year

What if too much changes

I didn't mean to love you it was never in the plans
You were meant to be a remedy to ease my growing pains
Rebound from leaving home, a solace in my time of need
I found love in your little flaws and familiarity in your pain
A storm in my heart cleared and you were a bright sunny day
One year, nine months and twenty-seven days have passed since our first "together" day
It's hard to think that soon I'll be counting the days we've been apart
Time will heal your pains just as they will for mine
Please believe me when I say that I loved you with all my heart and soul
Yet somewhere along the way things fell apart faster then I could repair them
The love slowly got swept away in the frustration, tears and break ups
Love is all about giving and taking, equality and trust
I'm sorry I just have nothing else to give right now and you need more than that
You deserve somebody who has more to give then they need to take
Our time together will never be forgotten and I'll treasure your love forever
It's time now for me to go even if it's the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Goodbye my love, be safe and be good I'll always watch over you.

Hell on Earth

This smile is fake

Stop shaking your head in denial

Look in my eyes

Tell me what you see

Go deeper then the lies

Just take one peek

Realize I’m not who I seem

Don’t be afraid

You’ve come this far

Can you find me?

Tucked in the darkest corner

Come alone now, don’t cry

I’ve been through far worse

You’d never believe the hell on this Earth

It’s hard when you’re always around

Every time you say my name

It’s the most beautiful sound

I try to forget the things we could have had

I attempt to move on, not be sad

After all

I have a new guy

I’m as happy as can be

Then you do the most unexpected thing

You gently hold my hands

Bend down and kiss my lips

I can hardly register what just happened

Until I push you away with tears in my eyes

I shake my head and look to the sky

Hoping you can’t see the tears

I choke out “I can’t”

While my heart screams in protest

I just wish relationships could be less complicated

Nothing would have stopped the old me

From kissing you back

However,

The new me has something I’ve never had before

Happiness and love

I can’t give that up

Now I just have to face you

Knowing what you did

Wishing I could turn back the clock

To the time when I did want you

The time when we could have been

I wish this had happened back then, not now

But even as these thoughts run in my head

I know I have an amazing guy

Who’s kiss is more loving even through the computer screen

Who’s hug is more giving

His voice more soothing

Then yours could EVER be.

Becoming little

Sometimes all it takes is a touch

A simple pat on the head will do

Other times it takes effort

Choosing the right clothes

Coloring the right picture

Even watching the right movie

I love slipping into little space

I feel myself shinking

Do you see it physically?

My eyes become droopy

My breathing slows

My attention span lessens

My **** wiggles more

I tend to curl up

Or bounce around

Do you see it right away

When your little girl comes out to play?

There's something that is calling to me
Something just beyond my reach
Bigger, better, begging me to be my best
Maybe it's my writing, the blank pages that stare back at me
Or my drawing, the faded pastels stains on my old ripped up jeans
Even my stove seems to scream use me use me
Bigger, better, begging me and begging me
I feel the pull of this urgent need
I search constantly for the answer
In others words, drawings, creations and inspirations
But I know I'm looking in all the wrong places
I need to look inside myself and find who I truly am
Yet that's just the problem who the hell am I?
Am I a writer?
An artist?
A chef?
A photographer?
Am I meant to be a mother?
A wife?
Am I meant to spend my life at the will of somebody else?
Or am I supposed to struggle to find peace on my own?
I fight this need, this urge, this empty feeling in the pit of my stomach
Yet like a clock ticking in the dead of night
I hear it like a whisper
Bigger....better....Begging.

*written Sept. 14th, 2013

Sometimes I wish I had never met you

Because had I never met you

No tears would fall

My heart wouldn’t be breaking

I wouldn’t get lost in your eyes

Flirting wouldn’t **** me inside

I wouldn’t stay awake at night staring at my ceiling

Then I remember….

When I lay awake

I can still see your smile

Feel your gentle touch

Still hear your beautiful voice

Tears fall

I’m crazy about you!

And yet I still don’t have you

I love losing myself in your eyes

Days look so much brighter

Smiling isn’t so forced

No matter what you’ll always be perfect to me.

My life's Mirror
It’s like she’s trapped in a fun house

360* mirror where ever she turns

Each showing a blurred reflection

A fake image thought to be her

Words scrawled across the glass

Telling her who she is

Words from both her present and past

*****, ****, *****

Stick to her pale freckled skin

Like tattoos that will never fade in

She pounds against the cold glass

Trying to see past the lies and confusion

While a loud mocking voice laughs

With every hit upon the glass

Another word is added to the pack

She finally falls, slumped against the mirror

Cool to her touch, her tears streak it

She stays down now, to weak to get back up

Her life built upon lies

Like a dream from which she can not wake

There on the floor she’ll stay

Until one day somebody may come

Clean the slate, pick her back up

Erase some of the pain

Help her start over with no lies and no walls

Just a good friend who was secretly there through it all

Chipping away at the outside of the glass trying to break through

Hoping each breath her friend takes won’t be her last

God where to start.
You single handedly made me feel like I was worthless. As if knocking me up was the biggest mistake of your life. You were quick to say he wasn't yours and yeah while there may have been some doubts they were all silenced when he came out a beautiful mixed little boy with your nose, chin and smile.  Every day since his birth you have stressed me out. Made me angry. Made me resentful. You've never once acknowledged how I feel just brushed it under the rug with what I've done to you. However. I want to thank you. Because our child is the most beautiful thing I have ever done.

I walked into our classroom
As the new girl
The younger sister
I was a mess
Insecure and confused
You smiled at me
From your spot next to my sister
I smiled back as I felt
A sense of belonging wash over me

Fast forward almost a month
I'm still the new girl
We're shooting off rockets
The noise scares me
I stand behind you
You look back at me smiling
From then on you were my human shield

3 months later
We're planning out
What we want after graduation
Those plans are for the both of us
I love you

I hear her enter the room
I watch his eyes flicker towards her
He tries not to smile but I see it tugging at his lips
"I'm sorry babygirl, she wanted to hang out"
He types quickly as if he's afraid she'll see
I hear her say "Hi hunny I'm home"
I know it's a joke
Her voice has that silky flirtyness to it though
I have to stay calm
I can trust him.....
"Now don't you two go have *** in the woods"
I try to laugh at my own joke
Hoping she didn't hear it crack
He says "I have to go now"
I sigh and say okay
I tell him I love him and that he means the world to me
It's my last ditch effort to stay on his mind

Days later I get a message
"He's cheating on you"
I know it's from her
I lay down and try not to cry
I know they had ***
I know he cheated
I just don't know
If he's going to leave me for him
How this is going to play out
He denies it.
Over and over.
"Babygirl I love you more then anything nothing happened I promise"
I watch as pain quickly flashes in his eyes
It's my signal that he's lying
That all my thoughts were true
I finally realize and tell myself
"He's never going to truly love you"

Sick of all the judgement and the rumors

If you want the truth about my life

Come and find me

Don’t go to the ******* facebook

With it’s lies and gossip

Each of the lies will cause somebody pain

Because none of it’s true!

Who the hell are you

To call me the wannabe?

Personally I think that title belongs to you

Standing on soft grass

Blue sky over head

Everything is peaceful

Time moving slow

I hope this is real

Inside I feel like ice cold snow

I try to imagine something playful in the clouds

Yet every time they look like nightmares emerging from the hills

I like to sit in this soft grass and look at this blue sky

Some days it helps me get by.

Here I sit with bile in my throat and music fading in my ears.
Once again trying to find the right words to make it better
This time I'm afraid there's no way to make it better only to explain
I'm slipping away, becoming who I left behind years ago
It's like a drug, watching the world turn into blurry chaos.
Just this morning I'd ****** up beyond belief before six am.
Passing out drunk on my front porch, waking up to my keys in hand.
Wondering how I got from across town to here and how long it'd been.
Climbed into my bed and faded away to longing thoughts of you.
I wake up to a pounding in my head and fuzzy memories of the night before
I remember taking my first shot of fire water and the burn it left in my throat.
One shot turning into a couple, my four loko getting lighter and grabbing her *** outside
Doing more shots of fire water and jack daniels, eating nachos so I could drink a little more
She went to bed and he took me outside, he kissed me against the car
My protest falling silent against his slightly sweet lips, bittersweet lips
Stumbling out back, trying to clear my head and his hand hovering to catch me if I fell
Asking if he liked getting hit by her, if he liked the way she treated him, what made her so special
His answer hot and hungry against my lips, I remember wishing you had the same passion
The guys laughing from inside the garage, laughing at us, his sigh in my ear
Dropping the doobie, looking for it and finding myself face first in the dirt laughing
Walking off trying to get away before I drank anymore, walking down the street
His voice, calling me back to the house, his hand grabbing mine and telling me I was safe
Telling him I wasn't that I wanted to go to the park, that Daddy would meet me at the park
Him saying Daddy would meet me at my house on friday but that I had to come back inside
The last thing I remember is hearing her sobbing, saying that I'm her best friend, that I was too drunk
Then I woke up on my porch, cold and holding my keys for dear life, he must have dropped them off.
All I can remember now is how much I love you, how much I want us to work, how much you care
You are my rock, my drug, my sense to this world. Without you I just mess it up.

Look in the mirror

Who is this girl?

She has my muddy hazel eyes

Only hers hide many lies

Falling around her shoulder

Is my rust colored waves

Hers a little less tame

Freckles sprinkled just like mine

Skin so pale as if the sun never shines

She has to practice my smile

Pretending like she’s fine

Locked away in self-denial

She’s stolen my clothes

Taken my name

I was lost

Beneath all this pain

NOTE: After reading this you might recognize some of it from a quote. I got my idea for this poem from that quote. HOWEVER, I did not steal it I just put my own experience to it and therefore, did not steal it. Thank you.

Life comes with no guarantees

No time outs

No second chances

So we tell ourselves…

Live life to the fullest

Tell somebody what they mean to you

Take too many pictures

Laugh too much

Forgive freely

Love like you’ve never been hurt

Dance in the pouring rain

Hold somebody’s hand

Comfort a friend

Fall asleep watching the sun come up

Stay up late

Be a flirt

Don’t be afraid to take chances

Smile until your face hurts

But it’s not that simple…

I can’t tell that one person what they mean to me

I can’t forgive myself, so how am I supposed to forgive anybody else?

I have been hurt so I can’t love like I haven’t

I’m afraid to take chances

So how does somebody like me live in this live where there are no guarantees, no time-outs and no second chances?

You're not the guy I knew

What happened to my best friend?

You’re not the guy I used to know

Three weeks have passed

Since you’ve said more then hi to me

By now I’m used to only talking at school

It’s been that way since we met

But now no words are being said

We pass in the hall

You just keep walking

You turn your back at lunch

If I log on skype you log off

Why are you acting like this?

This is everything I wish I could say to you.
I am so happy that he has found you.
He calls you beautiful, funny and smart
I saw a photo of the two of you and I smiled through the tears because you both look happy.
Please always give him your all, be honest no matter how bad you ***** up, open your eyes and pay attention girl he is the most amazing, loving, thoughtful, annoying, crude, rude ******* you will ever meet and you wouldn't want him any other way.
To be honest I am jealous of things you get to do with him. The only thing I want my jealousy to be seen as is all the ways you should love him.

When you wake up to him asleep beside you please cherish these moments. Sometimes you'll wake up to him crying out beside you, please comfort him to the best of your abilities he needs you then.

When he brings you on adventures. Always follow him and take in where he is bringing you, you get to know a lot about a person by the places they can tell you about. Besides you'll never be lost. You may feel lost but know he will always safely get you home.

When you lay facing him before you fall asleep and you find yourself staring into his eyes.... Lord.... Please spend as much time as you can doing this. I'm not being rude by saying that you'll miss it the most but let's face it love no matter how strong doesn't always last forever. But just know that is the one place on this planet that truly feels like home.

When he takes time to come and see you even if it's not much always make each moment count. You don't yet know how lonely it is when you walk around and he's not there making the day just a little brighter.... I hope you never do.

Please you don't understand how dull life is without him. You don't know how lonely this city looks even in the middle of a crowd. How the simple things hurt the most and suddenly you are crying over a breakfast sandwich and orange juice because it used to be the second best part of the morning... So..Please love him, cherish him and know that he is the best part of your world. Don't let him go, life will never be the same once you do.

Oh.. While I'm being honest... I am head over heels in love with him. I miss him so badly it hurts to the core of my soul. I do not know how to unlove him or forget the memories I have with him because they are the best parts of me. I only want happiness for him. Please be part of his happiness. He deserves the best and if he sees you as such that's good enough for me. Love him girl... Please.

I want this side

It’s not like I'm afraid

Just another side of you

I see him lurking

Peeking around the corner

I am waiting for him

I’m waiting for monster

What will he do to me?

Will he hurt me?

Will he wound me?

Will he “Break” me?

Can he?

I want him

I desire him

No safe words

No listening to my pleas

Ignoring my soft limits

Pushing past them

Playing with my hard limits

Showing me he’s boss.

He isn’t some monster under a bed

He’s the monster I want

To tie me to the bed

Monster….

Will you dominate me?

Can you dominate me?

I don’t know what to believe

Your words or my thoughts

Who’s right

In this vast sea of distrust

Words hurt

More then our wounds

I’ve forgotten who we wwere

In the mist of what we’ve done

How can we trust each other

If we’re both just waiting

For the other to walk over

To say another lie

Life a slap in the face

No more laughter

Not a trace

Angry words

Empty hearts

Turning away

Until we sort it out

Both hoping the lies would end

So we could go back

To how it was

It’s like being trapped

Behind glass

Both seeing each other

Yet, can’t see our own faces

So mixed up in what

We wish we could be

As if there’s something we could do

So we could be exactly who and what

The other wishes and hopes

One day we might be.

Not understanding

That on the other side of the glass

We’re each thinking the same thing

That we just want to tell the other

‘You’re ******* perfect’

Maybe someday…