I tell everybody I don’t care, that I’ve moved on
I’m fine on my own.
Does anybody stop to think?
Maybe it’s not just them I have to convince?
I also have to try and convince myself.
Life’s just so hard without my best friend right now!
So please come home, save me from this pain
I’m just falling through the air
I already know nobody’s there to catch me at the bottom
Yet, I can’t help but hope that you’ll catch me somehow.

I’ll remember today

Sun shining

Light breeze

School boring as always

Typical Wednesday

Only today..

I finally let you go

No more holding on

To the friendship

I thought we had

When I passed you in the hall

Not once did I feel a pang of regret

Because now I know

That I didn’t ruin this

All of these months

I never understood

What I did wrong

Now I understand

I allowed myself

To believe in what wasn’t there

I ignored the change in you

I forced myself to hold on to the hope

That I could be good enough

When all along

I was good enough

If you didn’t see it

That’s not my fault

Today I’m finally letting go

I’m moving on

You were never my “best friend”

Best friends don’t abandon each other

They don’t pull away

When things go wrong

Come on Dylan

Do you remember me like I remember you?

Did you ever stop to think that I miss the old you?

The guy I used to know, the one I trusted with my life

I never thought you’d leave me, sitting in the dark

Hell yes I miss the old you, I want him back

So can I have my best friend again?

Where did he even go?

They say you've loved before
To which I thought the answer was
No, I never truly love them
Now I can understand the real answer is Yes, I loved them once upon a time
Before the pain and heartache
I loved them with all I had
To them I gave my broken pieces
In exchange for cutting myself on theirs
We swapped our darkest scars and heaviest tears
Held on until there was nothing left
I walked away with pieces of them Embedded into my fair skin
Prayed to never be forgotten
Yet prayed harder to be able to forget
I endured every broken heart
Held myself together with my belief in fate Allowed myself to fall apart once I felt I could no longer find love to give.
Gave in time and time again
Too the fear that I was unworthy
Of the simplest things in life
Unworthy of respect love or loyalty.
I lay in a bed I made upon my own failures. Keeping myself sheltered from the world Unable to see that it is because I've loved before
That I shall one day find love again.
When I did find love again every scar
That tattooed my heart burned so deeply Screaming to run away as fast as I could Yet those threads of hope smiled calmly for fate had found me once more.
So yes I've loved many before him
Had butterflies before I knew him
I've thought about forever with those
I once believed in as much as I believe in love.
That however does not make my love for him
Any less real or any less powerful.
It just means I can explore more deeply love openly and passionately.
Learn from my past mistakes
So I can see a clear future.
Believing I am completely worthy
Of his respect, love and loyalty.
We may not last forever that I know, Someday I may find myself walking away. I pray now that, that never happens.
It is because of him that I can say
Yes. I loved them and now I've found love again.

I lovee

There was one a person who made me feel safe

held my hand when I began to fall from grace

This person is the one I miss

He brought me love and unlimited bliss

He left me once

I left him twice

We’re hit and miss

Trial and error

Just ask me why I love him

I’ll smile & say I just do

I honestly don't understand exactly why I did this.
No exact way to easily & simply tell you
I left my entire life behind to do this
I guess I just felt like I had to
Back home it felt like I was drowning
The worst part was it was me causing it
I held myself back never took a chance
To venture off truly on my own
I was scared that I would fail that too
Focusing so much on my fear of failure
That I lost my own dreams and inspirations
I forgot what it was like to believe in myself
Believe that even if I make a mistake
I can always find a way to get back on the right path
Finally I'm living again instead of just existing
So I guess that's why I did this.
Because I had lost sight of myself
Losing with it everything I ever wanted for myself
To travel, to spend time with people I love
To experience everything my life has to offer
Without being afraid of it all
So does that answer your question?

How could I ever tell you that I love you

When we’re so far apart

We’d never stand a change

Almost 400 miles apart

Not seeing you already breaks my heart

So for me to tell you what you mean to me

Means I’d have to think about just how far apart we are

How everyday past is a day I don’t see you

Saying that we’re just friends breaks me in two

Because I know that we could be more

Yet, I know somehow it wouldn’t work

I’m too afraid to lose you

Can’t Get Up

When life gets you down

You get back up

With your friends by your side

And your will to survive

I can’t get up

Life has me to far down

No friends to stand beside me

Nobody to share my pain

Only the moon to guide me

Through the harsh pouring rain

Every year I dream about summer

I can never wait for it to start

The end of school and the start of the fun

Always awaited, never dreaded

Until this year….

I toss and turn

Dreaming about the day we say goodbye

I can’t help but wish I could control time

The end of school, the start of regret

Now anxiety grows as the end gets closer

How do I stop this before I start falling faster?

Did you ever stop to think?

Did you ever stop to think that maybe

I don’t know how to change?

Everyday is a new struggle?

Being alone is both my biggest fear and wish?

Saying I love you no longer means you really do?

I cry too….  I don’t just block it all out

Maybe I don’t mean to **** it all up?

Just because I pushed you away doesn’t mean you don’t mean anything to me?

A piece of paper doesn’t mean much?

People can change over time, so why do you assume they can’t?

That I do notice you lips saying one thing while your eyes say another?

Being here for my friends is the only thing that gets me out of bed?

This poem I wrote for Paul, he died on March 12th, 2010
I was dancing to the beat
You were driving too fast
While I was living one of the best nights of my life
You were living your last.
RIP Paul 3-12-10 (10:38 pm)

You silence my thoughts
In a way not even I can do
Within our silence I do not find
Doubt, confusion or anxiety
Instead I find joy, comfort and love
I've only known you for a little while
Yet the way your hand embraces mine
Captures my soul entirely.
Butterflies tickle my stomach
When you smile at me
My eyes fill with wonder
When you say you're glad you met me
Any fears I have about falling for you
You've washed away with kindness
Not only in words but in your actions
Something I've believed I'd never deserve
You and I made love that night
The night my whole world changed
Ive never felt something so passionate
Never the touch of a sweet man
Now I'm not so scared to fall for you
Because from no matter how high I jump
I know in my heart you will catch me

I watched you today

I watched you today as you walked by

For an instant I think I saw a flash of pain

Flicker in your eyes then it was gone

With a shake of your head you keep walking

I stand there a moment longer

What I wouldn’t give

To know what you’re thinking

I can tell you what I’m thinking

I’m stronger then this

With a shake of my head

I also walk away

Whispering to myself

“No I’m not”

Would I still be me?

If I cut my hair, dyed it black?

Buy really dark clothes, say **** like that?

Shrink away from the one I love

Never accept what I’ve done?

Become that chick that people fear

While you watch me disappear

Would I still be me?

If I got straight A’s?

You’d think it was just a phase

If I fit in with the crowd?

Didn’t stand out?

Become the angel you love?

Believe there’s a god above?

Would I still be me?

If I told you how I really feel?

Why life is no big deal?

Opened up?

Let you in?

Who in the hell would I be then?

When I look into your eyes
I see the galaxies that lay inside
When you lay happily drunk in my arms
I see joy radiating through your life
When I look up to find you already staring
Its the simplest form of happiness
This is when the sun shines bright for you
When you're upset with the world
I see how small you feel
I swear to always comfort you
Try to help you see the dim flickering light
That lays at the end of the tunnel
When all is lost in the middle of the night
I'll stay by you and be the kindling
For you to use to begin again and again.
I'm here for it all babe

I might hate it but I’d still change

I hate it when one of us walks away

When we fight about stupid things

The way your voice trembles as you plead “please don’t”

How I get mad because I know that in a way

What anybody else thinks determines our fate

I love you even with each passing day

But I can’t help feeling upset

Every time you push me away

All I want is for you to love me

No matter who’s around

But I’ll stop because you want me too

I’d change everything for you in a heartbeat

written for j.t.l

Come sit with me
Hold my hand
Tell me you love me

Lets walk the beach
Smell the ocean
Run at the birds

Set out a blanket
For just the two of us
Pretty shells border it

Wind blowing
Waves crashing
People screaming

We don't hear it now
We've traveled far away
Without leaving our spot

Come sit with me
Get lost with me
Stay with me

Forever

At this point its all on me.
Stop this madness inside me.
Go away to get better they say.
Some time will do you good they say.
But you know what....
I'm scared....
I'm scared to admit I'm different
Too scared to ask for help
Ultimately scared they are right...
I'm just another girl
Who has it bad off..
Who's parents gave up on her.
Turned her loose to the world.
Well now the world turned on me too
I'm alone in my own life..
Scared of direction
and of no direction at all...

I’m not going to obey you

I’m not a **** dog

This is MY life

Yeah I’ve ****** it up

I’m 1000 times more afraid of myself

Then you’ll ever be!

Don’t you see?

I can’t handle any more pain.

So no I will not be careful

No I will not go out of my way to be safe

I can't take any more pain

So let me feel one last pain

Then I can feel it all slip away

Inside

Look me in the eyes

Don’t you see

The fear and pain that I hide

Talk to me

Let me cry

Maybe someday

I’ll let you inside

So you can understand

Me and who I am

How I live my life

Always hoping it would end

The walls that I’ve built

Please don’t even try

You’ll never pull me out

Glass wall

Stuck behind a glass wall

On the outside people draw

Adding something new

Something that they say

“This is you”

As if I’m a paper doll

In pieces and torn

From being dressed up

In so many different ways

A new life, a different design

Nobody knows what I looked like

When I was real and just me

Instead of this girl

Built out of lies

I can never break down this wall

Because I’m not really behind it

I was destroyed long ago

So who will I be

When people finally see

That they can never

Be happy with me?

Knocking me down

Don’t build me up so **** high

If you’re just going to keep knocking me down

Face first into the cold hard ground

Then act like you’re sorry

Yet, avoiding my eyes

So I’ll reach for your hand

Just barely alive

With that sweet smile upon your lips

Little do I know that just beyond it sits

Your cruel and evil desire that blinds me

While you lead me higher and higher

Till we get to the top of the tower

Where you push me back over the edge

No time to think about my fall ahead.

When I was born I couldn’t speak

Nothing was considered normal

Then I learned to talk

Yet, I could find no words to fit my life

I started to crawl, then walk

Wishing I could walk into some answers

Then I began to run

I quickly understood I couldn’t run far

Now I’m beginning to dream

If only I could do better

I can’t stop crying

It all hurts too much

Love seems impossible to me

For all of it just falls away

One day I hope to speak my mind

Talk and be listened to not just heard

Walk into a friends life and stay there

Dream and wish

Cry tears of joy not sorrow

Love somebody and know it’s real

One day I hope to take

All that I’ve learned over the years

Use it to turn my life around

Just a dream

Acting in fright

Wishing one day

It will be alright

Hoping it’s all just a dream

Open and close my eyes

Is there little more than

Mistakes and fights?

Is this because of where I come from?

Who am I?

The mirror doesn’t lie

Just a sad excuse

For the wannabe daughter

Trapped inside

Slowly dying

Why can’t I just be somebody?

Every note

I wrote this poem for one of my best friends during a time when he pushed me away and I didn’t understand why.

I hope that one day you’ll find every note

All my words filling pages and pages

Take a seat, read them all and realize

Every single one of them is about you

When that day finally arrives

May reading them make you regret

Saying our friendship meant nothing to you

That I was just more drama you didn’t need

Now don’t you regret building me up so high

Then breaking me down without a second thought?

When reading them, may a single tear slide down your face

May that one tear shock you

Making you realize how much you’ve lost

Crying one tear is like the sky raining only one drop

So let that one tear turn into many

As you remember our memories

I need…

I feel like when I talk I’m not listened to

Like every time I ask for more trust

Past events are thrown in my face

I don’t know how to control my anger

I push everybody away with my actions

I want to be trusted one day

Without my past haunting me

I want to stop pushing people away

I need to feel in control of my life

Honestly the only part I feel I can control

Is if I choose to live or die

I need more structure in my life

I need a set of rules I can follow

Sometimes I feel trapped

Like nothing I do can change

The way my life is going to be

I need that sense of belonging

In a place other then with

The other **** ups in the office

I need to take action in my life

That will actually make a difference

I know I can’t do it alone

I realize that I have to first

Give people a reason to stand by me

Or I’m never going to get anywhere.

Him.

he made me who i am

he built me up

he broke me down

he did it over and over

he promised

he broke those too

he killed me

he brought me back to life

he made me hate life

he made me love life

he made me see a future

he made me see the edge of a blade

he made me see the darkness.

he….

he….

…..he made it so if can’t trust myself with love.

*k.d.s.

Dylan’s poem

Have you ever sat down and wondered

What it would be like if we were still friends?

Do you ever sit down and think about me?

Do you even miss me?

Do you look at me and feel a little pain?

Do you ever wish we never changed?

I do, I think about you a lot

Sometimes, I think things happen for a reason

Then when I think about you

I can’t think of any reasons

I have so many memories with you

So many good times and now just as many bad

I wish things never changed

I wish I could know if you think about me

Do you think about…

About us?

7th grade?

Last year?

This year?

Yesterday?

Today?

Or just about any day

When I was in your life

When I thought I actually

Meant something to you

Do you at least think about the day

When you first walked away?

I’m done with this nonsense

Stop trying to interpret the madness inside

Because you can’t break through the outer cover

Don’t say it might take some time

I’m done playing by your rules

I already know nothing will be alright again.

You don't know the real me

Nobody really does

Not even me so why should you pretend like you do?

I sit here with what's left of my life before me.
I sit here with the decisions that will change my life heavy in my heart.
I sit here wondering if you are wrong about me.
Puzzled by that notion I sit here some more.

Until I am **** sick of sitting here.
Until I am ready to capture my own dreams.
Until I come to the realization my life has been an awful awful life...
A little less than surprised I have found myself out of untils.

For all I have is this very moment.
For all I have is the rest of my life in front of me.

Now I know I have to think my own way and embark on my own adventure..

My eyes
Look me in the eyes

Go right ahead

Push deep inside

Past the fear and the lies

Ask me how I really feel

Help me tell the story I live behind

Listen to the words

Of wounds that don’t heal

They hold the paid I hide

Every smile and every laugh

Harder to fake then the last

Watch my eyes

See how they jump around?

Trying to find something, anything

To calm me down

Fill the place in my heart

That I so sadly write about

A mother, who has lost her way

A daughter, just trying to learn to play life’s stupid game of pain and drama

Just trying to make each day just a little bit better.

All of this you can find

If you just take a little time

Look into my eyes

Brace yourself

Be ready to pay the price.

Just one of those people

So I guess…

You’re one of those people

Who was only meant to walk into my life,

Build me up….

Give me something to believe in….

Knock me down…

Make me cry….

Then walk away…