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Tabitha Sullivan Mar 2017
Some days passion for my life is overfilling my bloodstream and spilling out of my mouth. Other days it licks at the valves and tendons in my heart, begging it to find the rhythm of the purpose it beats for. Most days I can pull myself out of bed. Most days when I'm done brushing my teeth & fixing my eyeliner I can paint a smile across my lips. Even if the stain of red comes from the blood that dropped like silky dew from my wrist as if to replace the tears my eyes can no longer cry. Some night I sleep as if I have never experienced pain or heartbreak. While other nights the thoughts that raced through my brain for hours would give you nightmares for nights to come. Most nights I can tell myself today was a good day. Most nights I can tidy up my house even if in reality I just want to smash it all before running away & honestly that scares me. But no matter what day/night I am having I have never and will never give up hope that I can be a better person. That I can be a better mom. That I have the ability to change myself. Sure. I can't always scream it from the hilltops and some days its just a whisper but I will be okay.
Tabitha Sullivan Mar 2017
Im very proudly the best friend of a survivor.
Believe me when I met her I thought "who is this pompous Richy rich *****"
Then we met again when things had changed a little. When there were bigger things than what brand you wore.
When there was small feet growing inside of us and a fire burning in our soul.
This woman has changed me. She has reminded me what mental strength looks like. What it looks like to be "just a normal teen" when at home you are shattered and drowning. She listened to my "I have read baby center all night and I know it all now" rants and held me when I didn't think I could continue. We have gone months without talking to each other and called one another at 3am. She survived ****** assualt at a young age, she survived multiple abusive men, she survived her own inner demons and continues to do so everyday. As for me...Well I am her best friend. I am the one who is constantly checking in with her and adjusting myself to her needs. Why? Because I love her and I need her to be okay too. I am the one who sees redbull and breakfast sausage and smiles because I know her morning routine. I am the girl doubled over laughing with no makeup on in my ugliest PJs because she so innocently looked up from her phone and had no idea what I had just said. But watching her try to confidently tell me she heard me was the best thing I had seen all week. I am here for her. I am here for me. I am here for a lifelong friendship that means sometimes I don't always agree with her and sometimes we will get mad. But she is worth it. The girl I first met, the woman she has become, the woman she will find herself to be....That survivor....She's my best friend.
Sep 2016 · 684
To the father of my son
Tabitha Sullivan Sep 2016
God where to start.
You single handedly made me feel like I was worthless. As if knocking me up was the biggest mistake of your life. You were quick to say he wasn't yours and yeah while there may have been some doubts they were all silenced when he came out a beautiful mixed little boy with your nose, chin and smile.  Every day since his birth you have stressed me out. Made me angry. Made me resentful. You've never once acknowledged how I feel just brushed it under the rug with what I've done to you. However. I want to thank you. Because our child is the most beautiful thing I have ever done.
Tabitha Sullivan Aug 2016
To my son.
This is me, apologizing.....
I apologize for all the bumps in the road. For the nights when I stayed up rocking you unsure of where we would sleep tomorrow.
I apologize that your daddy couldn't be there for your birth, he was there with me until I left for the hospital. Know that he is a good man who got caught up in the wrong woman.
I apologize for all of the times I lost my temper, I never wanted to be a screaming parent and I hope that when you read this you look back and think "but you rarely yelled".
I apologize for never feeling that I was a good mother, I hope that the way I felt about myself never affected your views of self worth.
Lastly I apologize for being just a kid myself trying to raise a better child, if I ever make you feel disappointed, disrespected, angry, or resentful I apologize. I love you with everything that I have... I am trying little bug.... Mommy is trying.
Jan 2016 · 786
He loved me first
Tabitha Sullivan Jan 2016
Falling in love with someone
Who loved you first is hard.
To see them look at you as if
You hung the stars in sky & wonder if
You could ever love them the same way. You see he fell in love with me
From the very start & he became
My closest friend, ally and supporter
The man who knew more about me
Then anybody else & who watched
As I tried to give my all to a boy
Who he knew would never value me.
When I finally stopped & accepted
The love he was already giving me
Our entire lives became a bit brighter.
He held his head a little higher now
& I felt a little safer knowing I am his
I fear those thoughts of doubt though
Those ones that may lead him to ask
If I settled for him.
To which the only response for him
I have to give is...
Not at all. He is the best thing I ever allowed myself to have.
He is everything I want in my future.
He was never a second option
He was simply an option I wasn't sure
I was deserving or ready for.
He is everything I could ever ask for
I know we will both grow to be
Better people together.
He fell in love first however
Together we fell in love every day now.
Sep 2015 · 623
A letter to Her...
Tabitha Sullivan Sep 2015
This is everything I wish I could say to you.
I am so happy that he has found you.
He calls you beautiful, funny and smart
I saw a photo of the two of you and I smiled through the tears because you both look happy.
Please always give him your all, be honest no matter how bad you ***** up, open your eyes and pay attention girl he is the most amazing, loving, thoughtful, annoying, crude, rude ******* you will ever meet and you wouldn't want him any other way.
To be honest I am jealous of things you get to do with him. The only thing I want my jealousy to be seen as is all the ways you should love him.

When you wake up to him asleep beside you please cherish these moments. Sometimes you'll wake up to him crying out beside you, please comfort him to the best of your abilities he needs you then.

When he brings you on adventures. Always follow him and take in where he is bringing you, you get to know a lot about a person by the places they can tell you about. Besides you'll never be lost. You may feel lost but know he will always safely get you home.

When you lay facing him before you fall asleep and you find yourself staring into his eyes.... Lord.... Please spend as much time as you can doing this. I'm not being rude by saying that you'll miss it the most but let's face it love no matter how strong doesn't always last forever. But just know that is the one place on this planet that truly feels like home.

When he takes time to come and see you even if it's not much always make each moment count. You don't yet know how lonely it is when you walk around and he's not there making the day just a little brighter.... I hope you never do.

Please you don't understand how dull life is without him. You don't know how lonely this city looks even in the middle of a crowd. How the simple things hurt the most and suddenly you are crying over a breakfast sandwich and orange juice because it used to be the second best part of the morning... So..Please love him, cherish him and know that he is the best part of your world. Don't let him go, life will never be the same once you do.

Oh.. While I'm being honest... I am head over heels in love with him. I miss him so badly it hurts to the core of my soul. I do not know how to unlove him or forget the memories I have with him because they are the best parts of me. I only want happiness for him. Please be part of his happiness. He deserves the best and if he sees you as such that's good enough for me. Love him girl... Please.
Tabitha Sullivan Sep 2015
There are some things I want to say to you.
First off I will never ever make our child think less of you, no matter how your role in their life plays out. I will always tell them that their father is an amazing man. Ambitious, hard working, driven by his passions. I'll look at them with tears in my eyes as I rock them to sleep telling them all the reasons I love you. I will always make sure that our child doesn't feel abandoned. I understand I am a single mother. I have to rely on myself to raise this child and that's okay. Please know that while I may be some backwards farm town girl who runs around barefoot eating with my fingers I will be an amazing mother. One who will not be afraid to get messy. One who will pretend to be every super hero, cartoons character and farm animal there is. I will try my best to always make our child smile, but there will be days when I can't and I hope that when that day comes I'm strong enough to help hold some of their worries on my shoulders.
You see this child may be unplanned for however even as just a small raspberry in my stomach I refuse to ever think of this child as unwanted or unloved. My entire life revolves around what is best for my child now. That's okay.
So please just know. We will be alright. We will survive. We will always accept you into our lives.
Jul 2015 · 506
Untitled
Tabitha Sullivan Jul 2015
Long ago I dragged myself away from the edge
No longer felt the urge to jump & finally be free from this world of pain
Yet this day hits me like a boulder that I watched roll towards me & can not remove myself from its path.
It knocks me over the edge leaving me hanging on my my fingertips. Knowing that if I just hold on I will pull myself back up..
But that wait seems like forever while the minutes creep past me & I can't help but to let the thought cross my mind.
How easy it would be to let go
How it would feel to no longer feel at all
It would be over quickly & I would he free
I shake my head and take a deep breath
I will be alright. I will come back from the edge. I will pull myself back up & recover. I always do...
Jul 2015 · 543
How I feel now.
Tabitha Sullivan Jul 2015
In sixteen days it'll have been two years
Two years of my life that I have spent
Looking over my shoulders when I walk
Questioning every car I get into
Spending hours on the porch in the cold
When I wake up screaming & shaking
From the same nightmare I have every night
Reliving that night over & over again
So clearly now that its burned into my eyelids
For the love of god I still flinch when touched
Everytime I relive it I feel rage & sadness
To the deepest levels of the emotions
I will never heal from you
I try to tell myself one day it wont hurt so bad
In sixteen days it'll mark two years
Two years since you ***** me
For which you spent two months in jail
Do you even regret it?
Do you loose sleep?
Do you ever think about how you ruined me?
Well...that's how I feel about it now..
Try asking me again next year.
Jul 2015 · 804
My own self destruction
Tabitha Sullivan Jul 2015
I've come to a conclusion.
My past is my own self destruction.
While my environment verbally & mentally
Took its own sick & twisted toll on me
I took an emotional & physiological toll on myself
I allowed myself to give in to what they wanted.
Told myself that their lies were the truth
Which meant if I lied I was telling the truth
I convinced myself that if I stopped fighting
It would be better to be an empty drugged shell
I lost myself. In the worst way possible
I self destructed my education
Self destructed relationships because I never learned how to build healthy ones
I hurt those who loved me & at that time I had no emotion left except anger & fear
They didn't even need to continue to abuse me
I brought it on myself by tearing my life down
However... I tore it down because I wanted something more than that...
So here I am
Battling every day with myself
Telling myself to keep going
That I am ready
Ready to stop self destructing
Ready to learn and experience
Ready to let go of my anger and fear
Ready to be the person I wanted have the chance to be.
So please...
Forgive me if I struggle.
Forgive me if sometimes things don't click
Forgive me if I get really angry really quick
I'm trying the best I can.
Please don't give up on me
I am a good person.
I will become far more than who I am now
Jul 2015 · 319
Why did you do this?
Tabitha Sullivan Jul 2015
I honestly don't understand exactly why I did this.
No exact way to easily & simply tell you
I left my entire life behind to do this
I guess I just felt like I had to
Back home it felt like I was drowning
The worst part was it was me causing it
I held myself back never took a chance
To venture off truly on my own
I was scared that I would fail that too
Focusing so much on my fear of failure
That I lost my own dreams and inspirations
I forgot what it was like to believe in myself
Believe that even if I make a mistake
I can always find a way to get back on the right path
Finally I'm living again instead of just existing
So I guess that's why I did this.
Because I had lost sight of myself
Losing with it everything I ever wanted for myself
To travel, to spend time with people I love
To experience everything my life has to offer
Without being afraid of it all
So does that answer your question?
Feb 2015 · 444
Darkness within
Tabitha Sullivan Feb 2015
Here I go again
Listening to the rain fall
Spiraling into my own mind
Reaching past my sanity
Drawing out the darkness
Basking in it as if it were light
My past looks like a crime scene
Too much bloodshed and anger
With a suspect who shows no remorse
I hide behind that pretty little smile
Running on that gleam iny eyes
I pull on those clothes to hide my scars
Uh oh I see that, yes that right there
You are looking at me like a wounded puppy
As if I'm merely a broken doll
Sorry to disappoint you hunnie.
I will not be tamed nor shall you repair me
You can climb over all the walls you want
My heart is a dead end maze
It doesn't not make a path to the center
Just winds you around until you're lost too
Please don't come any closer
I will reach out to help you but I'll still fall
I'll pull you back onto the sandy shore
While I drown beneath it all
It is okay my dear do not cry for
You can still find mr past my sanity
There I have the release I crave most
Knowing here not even I can hurt myself
Nor can I bring harm to those I love
So here I go once again
As the thunder rolls in and the lights dim
I'm basking in the brightest darkness
The darkness from within
Feb 2015 · 336
You've loved before
Tabitha Sullivan Feb 2015
They say you've loved before
To which I thought the answer was
No, I never truly love them
Now I can understand the real answer is Yes, I loved them once upon a time
Before the pain and heartache
I loved them with all I had
To them I gave my broken pieces
In exchange for cutting myself on theirs
We swapped our darkest scars and heaviest tears
Held on until there was nothing left
I walked away with pieces of them Embedded into my fair skin
Prayed to never be forgotten
Yet prayed harder to be able to forget
I endured every broken heart
Held myself together with my belief in fate Allowed myself to fall apart once I felt I could no longer find love to give.
Gave in time and time again
Too the fear that I was unworthy
Of the simplest things in life
Unworthy of respect love or loyalty.
I lay in a bed I made upon my own failures. Keeping myself sheltered from the world Unable to see that it is because I've loved before
That I shall one day find love again.
When I did find love again every scar
That tattooed my heart burned so deeply Screaming to run away as fast as I could Yet those threads of hope smiled calmly for fate had found me once more.
So yes I've loved many before him
Had butterflies before I knew him
I've thought about forever with those
I once believed in as much as I believe in love.
That however does not make my love for him
Any less real or any less powerful.
It just means I can explore more deeply love openly and passionately.
Learn from my past mistakes
So I can see a clear future.
Believing I am completely worthy
Of his respect, love and loyalty.
We may not last forever that I know, Someday I may find myself walking away. I pray now that, that never happens.
It is because of him that I can say
Yes. I loved them and now I've found love again.
Jan 2015 · 451
Untitled
Tabitha Sullivan Jan 2015
It'll be over soon
That's what they all try to say
Once he's put away it'll be over
No it won't be.
It will never be over..
I will still cope with this
He will still be the reason
For this endless insomnia
For the realest nightmares
For the way I cringe when touched
He took my normal from me
But yea..sure...
Once he's in jail it'll be over..
Tabitha Sullivan Jan 2015
If my heart wrote you a letter it might go a little like this.
Dear Scotty,
I would like to take a moment and thankful for being so graceful. You slid gently into my life, somebody new who just floated past. Its a one in a million chance that it we came out of it. I've spent years building up walls to keep myself from getting hurt. Relationships had become nothing to me. Meaningless labels that just held no emotion for me. So I'm sorry ahead of time if I stumble through this falling in love stuff. Its new to me and I'm trying not to step on my own land mines. I also want to thank you for making me smile. Every time you make me smile I see life a little brighter. I have hope for the future again and while I'm scared I'm also excited.
I can't wait to see you tomorrow. I might even skip a beat
~The heart you hold in your hand
Jan 2015 · 316
Untitled
Tabitha Sullivan Jan 2015
When I look into your eyes
I see the galaxies that lay inside
When you lay happily drunk in my arms
I see joy radiating through your life
When I look up to find you already staring
Its the simplest form of happiness
This is when the sun shines bright for you
When you're upset with the world
I see how small you feel
I swear to always comfort you
Try to help you see the dim flickering light
That lays at the end of the tunnel
When all is lost in the middle of the night
I'll stay by you and be the kindling
For you to use to begin again and again.
I'm here for it all babe
Jan 2015 · 320
New love
Tabitha Sullivan Jan 2015
You silence my thoughts
In a way not even I can do
Within our silence I do not find
Doubt, confusion or anxiety
Instead I find joy, comfort and love
I've only known you for a little while
Yet the way your hand embraces mine
Captures my soul entirely.
Butterflies tickle my stomach
When you smile at me
My eyes fill with wonder
When you say you're glad you met me
Any fears I have about falling for you
You've washed away with kindness
Not only in words but in your actions
Something I've believed I'd never deserve
You and I made love that night
The night my whole world changed
Ive never felt something so passionate
Never the touch of a sweet man
Now I'm not so scared to fall for you
Because from no matter how high I jump
I know in my heart you will catch me
Jan 2015 · 388
falling for you
Tabitha Sullivan Jan 2015
When I first watched you come down those stairs I thought man what sadness hides behind those beautiful eyes and when you spoke I heard the loneliness behind each syllable. For the rest of the night we drank up and smoked up until we laughed at dawn. I fell asleep in your arms and your breathing refused to settle until you held my hand. Now we keep seeing each other and making things better. Now I can't get you out of my head now I can't fall asleep without seeing your smiling face behind my fluttering lids.
Dec 2014 · 413
Hello Dommy
Tabitha Sullivan Dec 2014
September 26th, 2013 was the last time I heard your voice
Looking back now if I could have held onto the sound I would've
Everyday since then I've mourned for you as if you have died
In my heart it feels like you have and to be honest I've wished it that way
At least then I'd have a headstone to cry over, ashes to spread
Then at least I'd have natural causes or a person to blame
Instead the blames fall in my hands, the heaviest weight in the world
I have wished so many times for you to be home safe with us
That I swear if you look hard enough you can see it written in the fog
Clear as the light that shines upon me from the full moon in the sky
I remember the pain exploding in my chest as I realized I lost you
I lost the battle against everything I was trying to save you from
As your friend, sister, protector, guidance I had failed you
For months I obsessed over the dream of hearing you again
Until enough days had passed that it was just a whisper in my thoughts
When the summer wind turned to chilly autumn rain
I woke up on my front porch fresh tears on my cheeks
The step beside warm where you had been sitting
Reassuring me that it wasn't my fault, kissing my forehead
Preaching my own words to me and getting through to me
Finally I found hope again within myself
November 6th, 2014
It's an ordinary morning crawling slowly by
My life is in an uproar of chaos I can not control
Then I'm staring at my phone reading your words
Shaking my head wondering if this is another dream
Calling your brother until he picks up and crying until I can't breathe
Telling him he has to get online, he can't waste any time
That his brother is online and doing so well.
Hello Dommy,
How I've missed you these past few hundred days.
This a squeal poem to the one titled "Dommy"
Dec 2014 · 340
Fresh Start
Tabitha Sullivan Dec 2014
My first fresh start happened when I was sixteen.
Hot tears splattered my jeans like the rain falling from the dark sky
I walked through a door to a life that felt like a mold I had to fill
Those four walls that made up my room felt nothing like home to me
I cried and longed for my life back yet I had never felt so alive
When I spiked my hair that early morning before my first day of school
I pretended to be grateful, confident and personable
In my heart all I wanted to do was crawl back in my blankets and cry
When the first person on my bus ride said hello to me
I jumped and mumbled politely back and put in my headphones
I didn't remove those headphones until a boy tapped on my shoulder
When I looked up at him I saw just another boy oh how wrong I was
Slowly that mold expanded and I filled into a life that I could call mine
My fresh start was compiled of pain being healed by hope
Hope being dashed by pain and seeing the cycle forming in front of me
I grew up so much during my fresh start and I built myself from ashes
Then when I ventured out on my own I set fire to my foundations
Laughing and lighting my cigarette off the flames
Falling past my lowest low and thumping onto rock bottom
Finally when I had nothing left to burn & only ashes falling around me
I found my way back to my fresh start back to myself
To that door that held so much love and encouragement beyond it
Those four walls that once felt so empty now beckoning me home
I cried tears of joy to finally feel alive again
From the outside I look perfectly happy once more and I am
Yet I still write by nothing but the dim glow of my Christmas lights
The ones that I begged my dad to let me have after the holidays
When I see that boy who once tapped on my shoulder I smile
Then I remember everything we ever were, every single memory
All of the happiness, heartbreak, hope and confusion he gave to me
Most of all I remember when I thought everything had been taken
When all hope left my eyes, my heart hung from the strings of my ribs
Yet the most painful part of being ***** was being blamed by him
Still I smile at him and know we will be friends once more
This fresh start is looking promising to say the least
It's a chance to rediscover the parts of myself I let die long ago
To release my words onto the pages that soak them up like a sponge
I have a voice again and I refuse to be shushed by judgement
So when I walk through the door of my fresh start at 3 in the morning
I smile and breathe deep because the air doesn't just smell better here
It's lighter with the hope that refuses to let pain direct it's cycle
It's crisp with the confidence I no longer have to fake
Bubbly with my personality that's bigger than any storm
So here I am. Writing by my pale dim lights of my fresh start
Life has never looked so beautiful
Nov 2014 · 376
Unsobered
Tabitha Sullivan Nov 2014
Its funny that up until this very moment I was too sober to focus on my emotions.

Up until this very moment I didn't realize that I resemble falling snow, my current emotions resemble to ache in your side after trembling for too long.

Up until this very moment I was too afraid to admit that I'm only with the man of my dreams because I have faith that one day we will together feel the love we felt so long ago... ****.. I'm high...
Nov 2014 · 304
Saving me...
Tabitha Sullivan Nov 2014
At this point its all on me.
Stop this madness inside me.
Go away to get better they say.
Some time will do you good they say.
But you know what....
I'm scared....
I'm scared to admit I'm different
Too scared to ask for help
Ultimately scared they are right...
I'm just another girl
Who has it bad off..
Who's parents gave up on her.
Turned her loose to the world.
Well now the world turned on me too
I'm alone in my own life..
Scared of direction
and of no direction at all...
Oct 2014 · 246
Untitled
Tabitha Sullivan Oct 2014
I sit here with what's left of my life before me.
I sit here with the decisions that will change my life heavy in my heart.
I sit here wondering if you are wrong about me.
Puzzled by that notion I sit here some more.

Until I am **** sick of sitting here.
Until I am ready to capture my own dreams.
Until I come to the realization my life has been an awful awful life...
A little less than surprised I have found myself out of untils.

For all I have is this very moment.
For all I have is the rest of my life in front of me.

Now I know I have to think my own way and embark on my own adventure..
Jul 2014 · 394
I'd fold the Earth for you
Tabitha Sullivan Jul 2014
Babe I'd fold the Earth for you
Walk across the creases into your arms
Stand in front of you and say hello

Babe I'd swim oceans for you
Dry off in the presence of your love
Bathe in the warmth of your touch

Babe I'd cross universes for you
Until I found our perfect galaxy
Filled with stars shining just for us

Babe I'd fight fate for you
Tell her where to stick it
Destiny is what we make of it

Babe in the end it won't matter
If your oceans, galaxies or worlds away
Somewhere in the middle is a life for us
I intend to find it and stay there forever

So let me fold the earth, swim the oceans and cross the universe as long as your on the other side I'll go as far as it takes.
Jul 2014 · 475
Dommy
Tabitha Sullivan Jul 2014
You never understood
You became my brother too
Part of my heart
Part of my life
Part of my soul
My love poured out for you
I reached out my hand to help you
I held on as much as I could
Thinking that somehow I'd be able to save you
From the hatred of others
The dull sickness in your stomach
I wanted to teach you, lead you
Protect you from everything including yourself
I wanted you to know the healing of words
Of caring and understanding
The safety of knowing somebody is there
Somebody who isn't blood isn't family
That it's possible for somebody to love you
because they grew to not because they felt forced to
Every word I say about you seems wrong now
Like it's past tense like you aren't coming home
As if you've forgotten where home truly is
I'm so angry at you for leaving like that
So livid for your lack of goodbye
For convincing me everything would be okay
Then just spiraling out of my reach
I want to pick up the phone and hear your voice
Hear you tell me you are okay
I am so sick of listening to them tell me your fine
I won't be fooled like that never again
This will not be okay until you return
Not that anything will be the same
You're now an uncle did you know that?
To a little boy named Gabe
Your brother is with another woman these days
I'm once again just the past
Maybe I belong that way
**** it Dommy....
I still miss you everyday.
Sep 2013 · 729
Time to say goodbye
Tabitha Sullivan Sep 2013
I didn't mean to love you it was never in the plans
You were meant to be a remedy to ease my growing pains
Rebound from leaving home, a solace in my time of need
I found love in your little flaws and familiarity in your pain
A storm in my heart cleared and you were a bright sunny day
One year, nine months and twenty-seven days have passed since our first "together" day
It's hard to think that soon I'll be counting the days we've been apart
Time will heal your pains just as they will for mine
Please believe me when I say that I loved you with all my heart and soul
Yet somewhere along the way things fell apart faster then I could repair them
The love slowly got swept away in the frustration, tears and break ups
Love is all about giving and taking, equality and trust
I'm sorry I just have nothing else to give right now and you need more than that
You deserve somebody who has more to give then they need to take
Our time together will never be forgotten and I'll treasure your love forever
It's time now for me to go even if it's the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Goodbye my love, be safe and be good I'll always watch over you.
Sep 2013 · 565
Where would we be?
Tabitha Sullivan Sep 2013
Where would we be
Without each other
I'm pretty sure
We'd be six feet under

Me without you
You without me
What we've become
Would just be a dream

Life since you smiled at me
Has been such a joy
It should be easy to see
Just how happy you make me

Shall there come a day
When we're ever apart
I hope not a second goes by
When I'm not in your heart

You're my whole world
My boyfriend
My best friend
My protector
My true love

Forever and for always
Has new meaning everyday
Because without you
There would be no me
Sep 2013 · 673
Just the start
Tabitha Sullivan Sep 2013
I walked into our classroom
As the new girl
The younger sister
I was a mess
Insecure and confused
You smiled at me
From your spot next to my sister
I smiled back as I felt
A sense of belonging wash over me

Fast forward almost a month
I'm still the new girl
We're shooting off rockets
The noise scares me
I stand behind you
You look back at me smiling
From then on you were my human shield

3 months later
We're planning out
What we want after graduation
Those plans are for the both of us
I love you
Sep 2013 · 534
Strength, Passion, Joy
Tabitha Sullivan Sep 2013
Strength
He is steel
Anger flares easily
With grip so strong
yet underneath
He is gentle and kind
He makes me feel how I feel
When I feel freshly cut grass
beneath my feet
Relaxed and content

His eyes light my life
with passion and joy
when we're together
His eyes twinkle as he teases
They can quickly turn black
As the ocean at midnight
Frightening but controlled

His lips brushed mine
Tenderly, firmly, deeply
His hands hold me tight
At my hips
At my waist
At my neck
At my thighs

His mind runs rampade
Always one step ahead of mine
I can never know what he wants next

His heart pounds loudly
I can hear it over my own
It almost seems to set the pace
I have to keep up

His soul is beautiful
His mind is dark
His heart is mine
Sep 2013 · 436
Your words
Tabitha Sullivan Sep 2013
Your words cut deeper than my knife

Those five hate filled words

“I really couldn’t care less”

Made it one of the worst days of my life

No emotion in your eyes

I softly whisper my goodbyes

Nothing in this universe could make me more depressed

I’ve lost my BEST friend in the world

Now I just watch from afar

The whole sky opens like a tightly sealed jar

Pouring rain, bringing more pain.
Sep 2013 · 564
You want to know about me?
Tabitha Sullivan Sep 2013
I hate myself

I  hate my life but have no real reason to

That makes me hate myself more

I wish I didn’t give a **** about the rumors

I cry myself to sleep a lot

I can’t stand my family

Even though they don’t deserve my hate

Just that face seems to make me a terrible person

I’m doing terribly in school, not that I care

I don’t know what I want in life

Or even if I want my life

I tend to push everybody away

Even my so called “friends”

I’m afraid of life after college

I hate living here for various reasons

I don’t have any real skills

The skills I do have will get me no where in life

I cry when I’m angry

Which makes me even more angry

So I cry some more

I don’t trust myself

I complain too much

I’m petrified of change

My biggest fear besides change?

Being alone and losing everything

So how’s that?

Does that basically cover who I am?
Sep 2013 · 385
Worth it
Tabitha Sullivan Sep 2013
Would it be worth it

To lose my family

The guy who says I’m his world

Daily hugs and smiles

Being told I’m amazing

All for the long wait

To truly be with you?

It would be 364 days until

My first true hug from you

Or five days until I’m in his arms again

I realize it’s not worth it

I love being somebody’s world

I rely on those daily hugs and smiles

I don’t need to wait to be with him

I don’t WANT to wait

I have what I need now

Why throw it all away?

*written for k.d.s
Sep 2013 · 784
Without you here
Tabitha Sullivan Sep 2013
Life is hard

Without you here

Painful words

Countless letters

All begging for forgiveness

Hoping life might get better

Don’t you understand?

Don’t you see?

I need my brother

My best friend

I need you now

I’ll need you forever
Tabitha Sullivan Sep 2013
No list of differences

Between two people

Should be able to ruin a friendship

Best friends shouldn’t turn away

You abandoned me

Turned your back

When I needed you most

You walked away

I blamed myself

Slipped into a depression

Convinced myself

That I could become somebody else

Next year I could be the “perfect girl”

Then it hit me

Why was I so determined

To change for you?

If you couldn’t accept me for me

Do you deserve me at all?

Today I’m not going to look back

I’ll smile at you in the hall

However, not one word

Shall pass my lips

I’ll always remember today

Today I’m the one who walks away
Sep 2013 · 660
Who's the wannabe
Tabitha Sullivan Sep 2013
Sick of all the judgement and the rumors

If you want the truth about my life

Come and find me

Don’t go to the ******* facebook

With it’s lies and gossip

Each of the lies will cause somebody pain

Because none of it’s true!

Who the hell are you

To call me the wannabe?

Personally I think that title belongs to you
Sep 2013 · 651
Who have I become?
Tabitha Sullivan Sep 2013
Look in the mirror

Who is this girl?

She has my muddy hazel eyes

Only hers hide many lies

Falling around her shoulder

Is my rust colored waves

Hers a little less tame

Freckles sprinkled just like mine

Skin so pale as if the sun never shines

She has to practice my smile

Pretending like she’s fine

Locked away in self-denial

She’s stolen my clothes

Taken my name

I was lost

Beneath all this pain
Sep 2013 · 721
When you say my name
Tabitha Sullivan Sep 2013
It’s hard when you’re always around

Every time you say my name

It’s the most beautiful sound

I try to forget the things we could have had

I attempt to move on, not be sad

After all

I have a new guy

I’m as happy as can be

Then you do the most unexpected thing

You gently hold my hands

Bend down and kiss my lips

I can hardly register what just happened

Until I push you away with tears in my eyes

I shake my head and look to the sky

Hoping you can’t see the tears

I choke out “I can’t”

While my heart screams in protest

I just wish relationships could be less complicated

Nothing would have stopped the old me

From kissing you back

However,

The new me has something I’ve never had before

Happiness and love

I can’t give that up

Now I just have to face you

Knowing what you did

Wishing I could turn back the clock

To the time when I did want you

The time when we could have been

I wish this had happened back then, not now

But even as these thoughts run in my head

I know I have an amazing guy

Who’s kiss is more loving even through the computer screen

Who’s hug is more giving

His voice more soothing

Then yours could EVER be.
Sep 2013 · 361
When do I give up?
Tabitha Sullivan Sep 2013
Do I give up when

When my room is my only safe spot?

When that last friend turns and walks away?

When my eyes can’t see past the wall of tears?

When I just can’t feel anymore?

When I’m only laughing because I’m finally dying?

When no light shines into my life?

Somebody…Please tell me when I’m supposed to give up
Sep 2013 · 847
What's the reason?
Tabitha Sullivan Sep 2013
You know that saying that everything happens for a reason?

What’s the reason….

I was born a beautiful daughter

Not knowing each day alive would be another struggle

Left at a babysitters longer than expected

Little tiny baby no longer protected

Bounced around from town to town

Biological parents no where to be found?

Sick with illness, shadowed by fear

Why is this poor child destined to be here?

Skip ahead a few years

Baby is now a toddler

Pat and Lisa are mother and father

Growing everyday

Her faith getting a little stronger

Don’t be fooled

Her past did scar her

She’ll find this out later

From toddler to teen

Slipping deeper into trouble

Pre-K all the way up through

Smart as hell

Yet, fall behind

Defiant, rebellious, stubborn

Outsiders say oh she’s a typical teen

They don’t know she’s out of control

So lost, no where to go

Ups and downs

Can’t believe the little she’s told

She won’t reach out for a hand to hold

What’s ahead?

Nobody knows

Teen to adult

Avoiding the cult

Will she make it?

What about her past

How will she take it?

Can she bury it fast?

Might the truth

Ultimately scar her?
Sep 2013 · 611
What we do to each other
Tabitha Sullivan Sep 2013
I don’t know what to believe

Your words or my thoughts

Who’s right

In this vast sea of distrust

Words hurt

More then our wounds

I’ve forgotten who we wwere

In the mist of what we’ve done

How can we trust each other

If we’re both just waiting

For the other to walk over

To say another lie

Life a slap in the face

No more laughter

Not a trace

Angry words

Empty hearts

Turning away

Until we sort it out

Both hoping the lies would end

So we could go back

To how it was

It’s like being trapped

Behind glass

Both seeing each other

Yet, can’t see our own faces

So mixed up in what

We wish we could be

As if there’s something we could do

So we could be exactly who and what

The other wishes and hopes

One day we might be.

Not understanding

That on the other side of the glass

We’re each thinking the same thing

That we just want to tell the other

‘You’re ******* perfect’

Maybe someday…
Sep 2013 · 653
Way too drunk
Tabitha Sullivan Sep 2013
Here I sit with bile in my throat and music fading in my ears.
Once again trying to find the right words to make it better
This time I'm afraid there's no way to make it better only to explain
I'm slipping away, becoming who I left behind years ago
It's like a drug, watching the world turn into blurry chaos.
Just this morning I'd ****** up beyond belief before six am.
Passing out drunk on my front porch, waking up to my keys in hand.
Wondering how I got from across town to here and how long it'd been.
Climbed into my bed and faded away to longing thoughts of you.
I wake up to a pounding in my head and fuzzy memories of the night before
I remember taking my first shot of fire water and the burn it left in my throat.
One shot turning into a couple, my four loko getting lighter and grabbing her *** outside
Doing more shots of fire water and jack daniels, eating nachos so I could drink a little more
She went to bed and he took me outside, he kissed me against the car
My protest falling silent against his slightly sweet lips, bittersweet lips
Stumbling out back, trying to clear my head and his hand hovering to catch me if I fell
Asking if he liked getting hit by her, if he liked the way she treated him, what made her so special
His answer hot and hungry against my lips, I remember wishing you had the same passion
The guys laughing from inside the garage, laughing at us, his sigh in my ear
Dropping the doobie, looking for it and finding myself face first in the dirt laughing
Walking off trying to get away before I drank anymore, walking down the street
His voice, calling me back to the house, his hand grabbing mine and telling me I was safe
Telling him I wasn't that I wanted to go to the park, that Daddy would meet me at the park
Him saying Daddy would meet me at my house on friday but that I had to come back inside
The last thing I remember is hearing her sobbing, saying that I'm her best friend, that I was too drunk
Then I woke up on my porch, cold and holding my keys for dear life, he must have dropped them off.
All I can remember now is how much I love you, how much I want us to work, how much you care
You are my rock, my drug, my sense to this world. Without you I just mess it up.
Sep 2013 · 561
I want to be that girl
Tabitha Sullivan Sep 2013
I just want to be what everybody wants me to be

That beautiful, smart, funny girl

They all say is me

Do they even see what lurks behind my smile

The lies I’ve told that stretch for miles

Never ending wishes that I could reach a little higher

Be the person you all wish like hell I could be

Yet, I keep ******* it all up

Just adding more depth to my scars

One more thing that reminds me I’m a failure

You can say it’s not true

That I’m perfect the way I am to you

I know the truth behind your protective words

I see the way my actions affect you

I know who I am

I hate who I’ve become

Whoever that beautiful, smart, funny girl you see is

I promise you she’s not me

Way too good to be true

I can’t lie to myself anymore

Pretend like I believe

That this girl people seem to see

Could ever be me
Sep 2013 · 550
Someday Vows
Tabitha Sullivan Sep 2013
Today I stand before you
Looking into your eyes
I see the man I fell in love with
I've heard you say I do
Now it's my turn

Every day since the day you first smiled at me
Has been some of the best days of my life
It started out small and innocent
You protected me from the rockets
My human shield
You slowly wrapped your hand in mine
It was like pieces of a puzzle
Finally coming together
We shared our secrets
Learned our boundaries
Fell deeper and deeper into love

We started to plan out our life
Telling ourselves we'd be gone
The day we graduate
We'd find our own place
Make our life
How we want it to be
Where we want to live
To build a house
Start our own family
Even if it doesn't go
Exactly as planned
We have each other

Today is the beginning
The beginning of that life
The life I'm ready
To spend by your side
Through the sickness
The health and everything in between
For the first and the last time
Today I stand in front of you
Saying these words

I do
Sep 2013 · 750
Cliche
Tabitha Sullivan Sep 2013
So Cliche we say

We say we’re meant to be

Together forever

So cliche

We’re an on again off again couple

Torn apart by the distance

Brought back together by our love

We make promises on top of promises

I wonder how many we’re going to break

One step forward always feels like ten steps back

Forcing a smile when you ask if I’m alright

Never confessing my fears

Baby names and wedding plans

We think we have it all figured out

Dreams of our beautiful unborn daughter

Makes it impossible to let you go

I want our fairy tale life

Just not sure how to make it work

Scared to give up what I have

For the chance to be with you

A lot can change in a year

What if too much changes
Sep 2013 · 453
Understanding
Tabitha Sullivan Sep 2013
sometimes its hard

sometimes its easy

it doesn’t matter

i’ll always understand

one way or another

my mind is open

I don’t judge

I just help

I understand

I involve myself

I stay

I don’t run

I don’t hide

I don’t push you away

I understand

I pull you close
Sep 2013 · 1.1k
Trapped
Tabitha Sullivan Sep 2013
I feel trapped inside my body

Like a voice that can not speak

While life goes on around me

I’m forced to keep discreet

When people talk to me

I wish to say the words

To let them know

I’m alive deep inside this body

But my screams can not be heard

Somebody hear me please

Lift this curse and set me free

Yet, every night turns into another day

In which I’m trapped inside this dying body
Sep 2013 · 357
Today
Tabitha Sullivan Sep 2013
I’ll remember today

Sun shining

Light breeze

School boring as always

Typical Wednesday

Only today..

I finally let you go

No more holding on

To the friendship

I thought we had

When I passed you in the hall

Not once did I feel a pang of regret

Because now I know

That I didn’t ruin this

All of these months

I never understood

What I did wrong

Now I understand

I allowed myself

To believe in what wasn’t there

I ignored the change in you

I forced myself to hold on to the hope

That I could be good enough

When all along

I was good enough

If you didn’t see it

That’s not my fault

Today I’m finally letting go

I’m moving on

You were never my “best friend”

Best friends don’t abandon each other

They don’t pull away

When things go wrong
Sep 2013 · 496
3 years ago
Tabitha Sullivan Sep 2013
Wrote this for a friend. She couldn't put into words what she's been through so she asked me to help.

3 years ago

Late at night

She can’t escape

Her dad is at it again

Things flying threw the air

Angry words spew from his mouth

His hand comes down harder and harder

The minutes creep past.

My mom, brother & I

Venture out into the night

She usually comes here

But tonight is different

We’ve never had to go get her

She’s my best friend

I’d do anything for her

Driving slow

Looking for her house

We stop at light

It seemed so bright

Against the night sky

When it turns green

We keep going straight

Out of nowhere

The truck enters our sight

It should have stopped

We had the right of way

It just kept coming

No time to move

Just hold on tight

He ended up on top of us

The airbag hit my face

Glass embedded itself into my eyes and skin

All I could think of was my friend

How could I save her now?

In my mind my injuries were nothing

Compared to what she has been through

Mom had only cuts and bruises

My seven year old brother had a concussion.

She never talked to me again…

Today I contacted her

All I got was angry words

Her saying she hated me

3 years ago I almost died trying to save my friend…

Who no longer considers me part of her life.
Sep 2013 · 445
This is my life
Tabitha Sullivan Sep 2013
When I look out my window

All I see is the sun dwindle

Life my life it’s passing by

It doesn’t stop to say goodbye

Even when I close my eyes

I still feel time flying by

I want to stop it in its tracks

But my life is like a fast moving train

Where most things are done in vain

I know this doesn’t make much sense

But that’s because it will be past tense

Tomorrow when I look out my window

I won’t see the sun dwindle

I will see the moon shine bright

Because it will be the dead of night
Sep 2013 · 480
Tasha's poem
Tabitha Sullivan Sep 2013
When I think about all we’ve been through

I can’t help but smile at the memories I have of you

Like a movie in my head

Where our friendship plays

Beginning to end

Sometimes the movie goes dark

Re-playing all the times we drifted apart.
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