It's not my job to worry
It's my job to experience
To feel what I feel
To then release what I feel
Like a breath of smoke
Like a conscious exhale
To be downloaded
Added to the collection
To later be reviewed
Prior to being released
Back down with the sheep

Heaven knows you're not home
I don't think I'll ever not be here
You drifted out past the sun
I'll one day be tangled in the vines
Held captive in a ghostly garden
Singing the saddest songs I know

Send a gust to loosen the leaves
Make everything fall around me
I'll make it to the light one day
You'll be so bronzed by then
You'll be someone new by then
I don't think I'll ever not be me

Take me to your paradise
The soft noises escaping
Like breath but boisterous
Slow rising and falling
Eyes fixated on mine

You can be my youth fountain
Fix what was broken the last time
I was sprawled beneath a body
That lasted far beyond the sell date

I'll take you to my paradise
All the curves and pressure points
Teeth to make soft impressions
As fireworks light up our sky
And we stay connected in the moment

Here I am dedicated to my rituals
Sending ripples to one day caress
You're facing the north drinking
The horizon and winds of change
Growing tired of your own rituals
A sparrow is born and growing
To disrupt your brooding gaze
Join me in the sky in time
I'll share with you my star shards
I'll root you in my soft earth
I'll introduce you to my rituals
I'll finally caress that face
Facing the south speaking
Affirmations of gratitude

Where do I go from here
Diving in this ocean of change
Sending bubble messages to
Float and burst at the surface
Where your silhouette
No longer lingers leaving me
A bit uneasy with my own mind
Wondering if while submerged
You'd offer a hand to drag me from
The refreshing wet depths
Or hold me down to drown
I would have been fine with either
I would have been fine with either
I would have been fine with either
Now I'm fine with neither
I'll climb to the soil on my own
I'll sun bathe on the beach
I'll have a soda water with lime
I'll be absolutely fine
It's just a matter of time
Until I'm saturated in weakness
Etching a heart in new sand
Walking together hand in hand
Drowning after the honeymoon

A memory emerges
Like a toxic bubble
Making it's way up
Through the sludge
Emitting such a
Rancid smell
From where it came
From where it dwells
Twisted and lonesome
Waiting for night to fall
And then it crawls
From the black pit
Of discarded times
And it bites my hand
And the venom courses
Making it's way hastily
To my heart feeling heavy
And I want to end it all
I am embarrassed so badly
And I feel a heavy sadness
And if I could I truly would
Go back in time and erase it
But it happened
It occured
It's absurd
But before the venom reaches
And stops my pumping valves
I forgive myself
And the creature goes away
Taking it's poison along
Back down to it's dank hole
And I seal it's awful opening
And I refuse to go back
And I keep looking forward

I don't think I was born to be satisfied
Whatever created me was vengeful
Inching so close to finally feeling whole
To crumble all at once into the ocean
And he watches me claw my way to shore
And he huffs and sends me a storm
But I survive the gusts as he wishes
Drenched and humbled finding a home
Finding a lap to finally rest my head
And a hand to tether me sweetly down
And I thought that I had found it all
But something inside of me is broken
I don't think I was born to be satisfied
I'm quickly coming to terms with this
And I know he will have the last laugh
And he'll push and pull me endlessly
So I will never really get comfortable
As I know he will yank the carpet
And I will sink down to the sea floor
And because he is the great creator
He will resurrect my bloated body
Squeeze the moisture from within me
And return me to the path of reaching
For things I never will truly grasp

It just ain't in the cards kid
And I want to scream shuffle
But that's not quite how it works
So I put my head in the clouds
Waiting for the night to fall
So that I may rearrange the stars
And so it goes that I can not reach
And the clouds and I begin to weep
I climb atop my mattress so tired
Content to drift into sweet dreaming
Where my desires kindly greet me
And stay until the sun gets out of bed
And I retreat back inside of my head
To formulate a spectacular plan
To manifest my dreams to infiltrate
The dimension where I am awake

I just want to be wanted
Rarely ever received
Like the arcade prize
Everyone ogles at
But never takes home
Despite countless coins
And food court tantrums

Except for that sweet blue moon
When I want to just combust
Into a billion cells floating free
With you breathing on my neck
And your fingers on my skin
And we go so deep

Particles burst on black bedding
And I let you touch me as we sleep
The sun rises and the blue is gone
Good old silver shimmer beams
Where I touch myself as needed
With no hot breath infiltrating
Comfortably combusting alone

I should be used to this by now
And I think that I might be
But sparkles of hope seep through
Some specs of green and ice blue
Swirl dimly on the wooden floor
Swept thoroughly this afternoon
And I gaze down almost longingly
Remembering when I shimmered too
Careless and free with my youth
But now resorted to rationing
Eating pills and smearing creams
Praying for strong elasticity
So that I may be stunning
When a flicker finds my gaze
Just a gentlemen passing by
Intrigued by my blue eyes
And the sparkles in his stomach
The same as the ones in mine

I don't feel the way I had imagined
I would feel by the time I had gotten here
Paper scraps littering a lengthy path
An ivory album half filled to the gills
Most pages just blips and blackouts
A garden of blooming disappointments

I hyped up the experience too much
Everything feels so terribly lack luster
Now I'm almost always half asleep
And the days feel like I pressed repeat

I don't feel the way I had imagined
Though times have been much worse
And I'm alright with seeing the sunrise
The boredom is better than binging
Waking in such a painful panic
But I've kept the promise this time