i was told i need to let peoples' actions prove their words,
while i've been using their words to justify their actions.

i've consistently felt painless
   since three days of darkness
clawing ambition from my aching chest
                to mend a void
chiseled by carelessness
                                            and neglect

and at times i've felt angry
for the frivolous misuse
                  of my heart
a muscle weak from abuse
   and never strong enough to love
                                                            ­      just right

but words from the lips on a crisp metal string
          played in my ears and i couldn't stop the tears
carving into my cheeks
                     and crashing the highs

because west coast, they lie
                                      
                      ­            they're not hazel eyes.

i used to write about
living in lovers' chests,

hiding myself away
in the comfort of softer ribs,

not having to move a bit,
from bigger hands keeping me safe.


i dont want that with you.


make room for me
right beside your body,

i'll keep you in our arms
for as long as it takes to feel warmth,

i won't hide within,
i'll love you loud enough to fly

that's what i feel with you.

I love my family more than anything
I just wish they were gentler
                                                      wit­h me

I wish your words could alleviate the worst
       of my thoughts
I wish I could preserve
                         your perception of me
prior to the wreckage
                    I wrought this week

And I wish that leaving
           was as hard for you as it is for me
           was as hard today as before

                 a perfectly composed score
                             of budding love


but now I’ve sung too much off pitch
and I’m overwhelmingly certain
        my fears
        adhered           a foul taste in your mouth

   when you think                of me

And all I believe is “she’ll leave, she’ll leave, she’ll leave”
                         after seeing this worst of me

nobody suspects the girl with a skeleton grin
and dappled sharks on her skin
struck matches on hips,
hitting curbs with her chin  

Nobody asks the weight of the shoulders that shake
Most often with laughter
The tug of a thread, a bold entertainer

keep it that way, in turbulent weather
To make room for the others
That suffer below her

so nobody suspects the girl’s cold chagrin
Of furious self hatred
and loathing within