I find my self awake,

Hurdling over feelings i thought i beat;
Wondering why my mind always  wanders back Into you.

Your smile lights up your eyes.
A glow i sometimes despise because,
Cruel is the one that carves a diamond so beautiful that it blinds those yearning to be near it

I just want to stop thinking about you that way. I want the sound of your voice to sieze its warming hold on my unsuspecting heart.

I just want to sleep.

there is no time like the present,
they say, with no real meaning.
the only thing being that for most life doesnt seem
like a living age.
for me it was like a prison,
walls quickly moving ever inward; a shrinking cage.
and then there was you.
smiles for days, as if the happiness never ended
and when it did, tearful gazes that left me winded.
you are the oceans current, forever giving,
and whenever your name massages my mind
i feel as if i have nothing but space and time.

you are, what they call,
a man that wants for others.
and i, among the rest, are lucky
to call you friend.

and for the one
who gets to call you lover, in the end,

your bottom lip between your teeth, ever so sweetly,

as if you were holding in a secret.

and i remember thinking that i wanted to release it.

that i wanted to lean in slow and hear your breath hitch

while my hands found their places, one amongst your chest and

the other resting softly on your cheek. both feeling warmth

but only one feeling your trusting heart beat.

and i wanted our eyes to lock before our mouths parted slightly,

my lips trembling and slick yours nervous and freshly licked,

to connect our excitedly entwining tongues as they sang and swayed.

i remember thinking that you would make me giggle and that maybe,

in that moment, i could take your breath away.

the salty beads of sweat,

that sweet smell of fading lust,

and the only thing keeping me from holding on forever.

that sultry look in your eye when i returned you to dust

and the feel of your lips on the nape of my neck;

because you were the one that kept me together.

those are the things i hold close to my chest.

they are pieces of loves that i hadnt really felt,

of roads i had never dreamt of being taken,


and there are no more words left

only pulsing tokens…

When i think of your eyes

and how they sparkle with kindness,

i am reminded, gently,

that we are made

from star stuff.

He confirms it in the things he says
and how he looks at me,
that i am too round near my base
and too heavy on my feet.

that maybe I'm too insecure
and a bit too damaged to be here;
and i guess thats what i have to hear
to recognize i dont belong near.

i thought maybe i found my heart
but i was far too eager to share
and now im lost and falling apart;
too destroyed to care.

I keep thinking about possibilities,
Of you and i entangled;
Against a wall,
Under covers,
Exposed skin in the moonlight,
Hands on necks,
Bodies dipped in excited sweat.
I love how you make me feel
Like im the most beautiful woman
Youve ever seen
In the world.
Like i, in my unabashed glory, was created to be touched by
Every part of you.
The best part is i know
you feel it too.

These trenches are dark, wet, and deep
but She reminded me that the sea
was never a mystery.

She told me that the world was at my
fingertips; i just had to reach forward,
open my eyes, and see.

When i took her hand, the water froze.
All motion halted, as this Gaia revealed
that this was nativity.

"What is it you miss," He asked her.
She rubbed her hands together in thought,
"I miss how it felt, how it tasted...to be

In love feels invincible; tastes like the gods have touched down on the tongue and caressed it with their best honey mead.

Exiting love feels like leaving a sweet warm house, where futures and families happily mingle, into harsh rainy weather.

I miss feeling protected in his arms.  he could have kept the rest of him hidden. But, then, that wouldn't have been true"

i wish i was one of those girls.
the ones people fight to be around.
the Cleopatras and Helens of troy;
beautiful
unforgettable.

i always fall short though,
and it never fails to break me down
and i always become their toy.
used up
regretting it all .

She looked down at the floor while

salty tears stung her eyes.

they felt like hot betrayal against her cool demeanor and apart of her

fell away.

He stood there awestruck that she had let him see all

that she had held back.

that it flowed out of her completely; melted her.

he reached out to hold her; to carry a piece of her pain,

to wipe the sweet droplets from her soft cheek.

but like the wind, she wished to be untethered, to be free

and before he could touch her punished skin,

she was gone.

You're upset arent you.
your choices bleed and stain with regret.
because you trusted the wrong words.
believed in a silicone future.
ignored all warnings.

there you are
in the thick of it.
likely remembering our past and missing it.
watching me from afar.
wishing you could shine as bright.

the part that saddens me most
is that you could have had us.
The emotions felt for you were so raw.  
you never actually saw it.
You barely got a taste of Me.

I wanted you more than i wanted myself. Forever waiting for your hesitant return.

But you are not a man i know anymore. Who even are you? Where have you gone?

I search for you in lovers eyes, hoping you'll validate my existence. And now waiting is all i know.

He called once to tell me that he was no good for me. He sounded just like you over the phone. My voice cracked out a tear filled request begging, yet another man, to stay where he did not want to.

And nothing ever stops you from leaving. Over and over. Not even love.
How do they know where to find the wound? What beacon are they following?

Or has this **** in my psyche been bleeding this whole time. Alerting these predators that i am not fine. Giving them a map to my weaknesses, showing them exactly where to tear. How to rip me open and spoon me out.

My heart drifts to a place i no longer understand. A place i called home, especially when i held your hand. And when i close my tear stained eyes, I see a terrified seven year old being swallowed up, by a darkness she did not mean to create, screaming at the top of her lungs

"Please save ME!"

I am aimless and lost without you
This was a mistake.

Becoming someone new
Is the only way to survive this rake.

The night was filled with terror.
And my eyes were glossed with tears.

And some how im living this error
Waiting for you to find me here

I begged you to stay there.
I am forever waiting for you here.

he aches to rove about.
his soul is restless, yet he plays content.
he yearns for so much more,
though he attempts to stay caged.
the lonely lion paws desperately, trying
to make an honest connection,
taking leaps to the edges of unknown worlds.
just to feel again.
hoping to fall, fly, crawl or die
and always counting on an
earnest resurrection.

You cannot love me back together
I am a fine white powder
There is no more space
In me.

There are gaps and holes where i
Used to be. And i take rejection well;
With a bucket, with a rope attached,
Water filled.

What more could you ask of me?
I am devastating. I do not fit.
I am retreating soon. Into the dark.
A place called home.

When i die, don't cry for me.
Know that I've been fighting
For an eternity.

I may have lost my life
But i never lost sight of those that
Truly loved me.

This is not about them.
They could not mend my pieces.
They are removed from my service.

Just remember the joy I tried to bring.

Being a woman

is a lot like
       living in  
            two places
                       at once.

in your space and somewhere else
waiting for some commodity.

a partner, a love, some thing more
because we are told that we are not
enough. and until we find them
we are not complete. we are not whole

Our lives
      do not start
             until we find
                      someone else
                                   to live for.

but i love spending the nights
beating in bed. in the arms of a new lover
that may not stay forever. I love music,
passion, and going where the wind blows me.
i love holding onto myself.  

I'm striving to be
        unapologetically me.  
                      in a world telling me that i am
                                                        less.

                  not anymore.

a naughty word whispered in the dark. An embrace so tight that it takes the air out of you.

A collection of my favorite things jumbled into a thousand fantastic memories.

An old song that reminds you of the person you were before all the pain set in. Dedicated to laughter and magical moments.

Quicksand pulling me in a way that keeps me grounded. Filling my lungs with hope before squeezing my throat.

My god, i crave every beginning and ending; every second of you..

"you are not alone"
she whispered to herself,
holding back tears of disbelief,
you are not alone
she thought, while she clenched her favorite pillow,
darkness closing in,
you are not alone
she tried to fight it, but it was too late, time had bent,
and the cold washed over her,
"you"
slowly, then all at once.
so, she curled into a desperate ball
"are"
and let the tears fall,
blinking simultaneously.
"always alone", he whispered
reminding her how little her reality meant.

Laying on your side or
perhaps on your back with an idle arm
resting behind you.
and those eyes; tired, sweet, pale blue
puddles touched slightly by the moon.
groaning and shifting while your soft naked skin
invades the sea your sheets create with every move.
suddenly, feeling heat from places
you didnt expect.
and then, as if you were floating, you rest.