I wanted you more than i wanted myself. Forever waiting for your hesitant return.
But you are not a man i know anymore. Who even are you? Where have you gone?
I search for you in lovers eyes, hoping you'll validate my existence. And now waiting is all i know.
He called once to tell me that he was no good for me. He sounded just like you over the phone. My voice cracked out a tear filled request begging, yet another man, to stay where he did not want to.
And nothing ever stops you from leaving. Over and over. Not even love.
How do they know where to find the wound? What beacon are they following?
Or has this **** in my psyche been bleeding this whole time. Alerting these predators that i am not fine. Giving them a map to my weaknesses, showing them exactly where to tear. How to rip me open and spoon me out.
My heart drifts to a place i no longer understand. A place i called home, especially when i held your hand. And when i close my tear stained eyes, I see a terrified seven year old being swallowed up, by a darkness she did not mean to create, screaming at the top of her lungs
"Please save ME!"
You didn't try.
Fear stuck to your veins
buried in the back of cowardice.
A parasite you let in, as if you were prey.
You didn't fight.
Suffering was long winded
And constant. The memories
Inch me closer to destruction,
There's so much more to say.
Lessons learned in your absence
Cut to the core. Leaving me broken;
Unwanted. It was unwarranted, to this day.
They continue to leave
because you never showed me
That i deserved someone who
Being a woman
is a lot like
in your space and somewhere else
waiting for some commodity.
a partner, a love, some thing more
because we are told that we are not
enough. and until we find them
we are not complete. we are not whole
do not start
until we find
to live for.
but i love spending the nights
beating in bed. in the arms of a new lover
that may not stay forever. I love music,
passion, and going where the wind blows me.
i love holding onto myself.
I'm striving to be
in a world telling me that i am
He put his hand
over her beating heart,
their eyes slid closed
"This is my home"
he whispered to her
and tears filled the corners of her eyes
She never thought she'd find love
her path is lonely.
She kneels in the dirt and pushes
her fingers deep into the earth
submerging all the points of her into it's pulse.
"let it be me" she whispers into the mist
and the forest groans in response,
breathing in her magic; her, a potion
of sea salt, crystals, and moon dust.
If emotion is nature, then she is their owner.
Caressing vulnerability out of places no one
cared for, inciting wild dreams and grasping on to love,
for those of you who find it far too heavy to carry.
These trenches are dark, wet, and deep
but She reminded me that the sea
was never a mystery.
She told me that the world was at my
fingertips; i just had to reach forward,
open my eyes, and see.
When i took her hand, the water froze.
All motion halted, as this Gaia revealed
that this was nativity.
Where is the shame?
Why do i still want you?
Why do i crave your name dripping
Off of my skin?
I still ache to bear your marks.
I need that sweet tension to break.
To be bitten, used, yours.
One last time.
I want so badly
To love myself.
To feel worthy
To feel understood.
No one will ever hold you
The way you cradle your self worth
And i am worth the moon and back.
With every dimpled smile
With every inch of this brown skin
I can be warmth personified.
I will fight for my love;
For my family
For my friends
And finally for myself.
I am the reason the sun rises.
A goddess of hope in your presence
Here to support your dreams
To remind you that you are dear.
I am empath, warrior, queen.
And even when im broken - jagged
Pieces of my heart stuck together
With bits of gold - i am still a prize
Not to be won
But to be experienced.
Someone youll never forget .
Someone youll forever regret losing.
So, Keep me close.
I keep thinking about possibilities,
Of you and i entangled;
Against a wall,
Exposed skin in the moonlight,
Hands on necks,
Bodies dipped in excited sweat.
I love how you make me feel
Like im the most beautiful woman
Youve ever seen
In the world.
Like i, in my unabashed glory, was created to be touched by
Every part of you.
The best part is i know
you feel it too.
Go quietly go peacefully
Into the night; into
those dark places
Go alone. No witnesses.
Approach the troubled lurker
In the decrepid corners of your
Broken being. Follow his lead.
Keep it silent; keep it secret.
Fall, drive, swallow, cut
The numbness out
Leave your soul. Leave a note
Kiss the ones that tried to love you.
But dont look back.
Disappear. refuse to try.
Im giving up. There are no
Winners in this ether.
I will be a fool no longer.
There's this joke
I forget how it goes.
No wait, its life.
Everyone laughs until we die.
Nothing is funnier than
My desperation to heal.
Forever damaged, trying
To cover my wounds like
A piece of alluminum foil
Too small to reach the edges
Of the bowl.
Ripping and tearing,
Falling apart. Caged in
A tank. Swimming with sharks.
Why am i alive? To feel this pain
It seems. Its the only thing
that feels real to me.
The chamber is empty
But I promise to fill it
To jumpstart the ending.
Just remember me, well;
you dodged a bullet
Even with your help
I couldn't save me.
I feel heavy.
Diving into the Depths.
The gravity of my actions;
Of my words.
This hole in my chest consumed
The sea. And i did not hear
His cries I pushed them
Down. Into me.
And Its still beating.
How did i become her?
In the blink of a tear filled eye.
As a mother, nature has taught me
That fighting is the only way
That sometimes you never have a say
In who hurts you the most
Monster. Thats what ive
become. Covered in scars
from head to toe, Trying
desperately to be something else...
I thought i was empty
Turns out im full. Of black
broken pieces. A muddy thing to be
Disposed of. Hating myself
Came so naturally.
And now i know why.
She dug her feet into the sand
At the edge of the shore.
The storm would not back down.
She knew better.
She understood now
And she stood alone.
With her wild purple hair,
With her bold eye shadow,
With her empty womb,
With tears in her eyes
Sparkling like the sea
In the moonlight.
The tempest winds tried her but
There was strength
Emanating from her being.
Even when she broke down crying,
Especially while she rose.
As she clung to life.
And she had never been more beautiful;
While she warred with herself,
While she believed in her bones,
While she grew.
She held the weight of love
On her shoulders
With a power she finally knew
My heart skips nervously
because you are near;
glory magnified by your gaze.
Heat singed skin begging for rough hands.
Bruises you left,
on my being,
a space so full;
and yet there's a hunger...
... only you can satisfy.
Truths as thick as the tension.
Theres nothing like a new beginning.
But first you wade through an ending.
And ours was glorious. A roller coaster of intentions. Ups and wrongs. Disastrous and necessary. And now the closing act.
My gut has never been so wrenched. Fake death has never been better acted. You pretended for so long. To care must be tragic.
You must eat your words with a side of honey salt to keep them from rotting when they finally exit.
The future is promised
To those who see it coming
To those who think beyond it
To those who stop running
I used to hide deep in the darkness
From potential, from love, from thoughtfulness, But now i am set free.
No amount of words will explain
What i feel when i see your face
How our new beginnings unfold
To reveal royalty.
Together we will create and break barriers. There is nothing scarier than
A dream unseen. So i chose you. And you chose me.
And now we grow our legacy.
And now we grow our legacy.
And now. We grow. Our legacy.
Locked away for safety
Or from a lack of courage.
Its clear that she is all wrong;
Has hit a point of damage
Now shes just looking
For a soft place to drown.
The pieces of me that love you entirely
are wholesome and wretched.
But you will never see them.
I am just around.
when the sun dips below the hills
humanity slips and gives in to thrills.
all different types from all kinds of places
dark, insidious; no recognizable faces.
that is where i reside; pick up and hold the line
waiting there, an intense fantasy
as long as you keep on talking to me.
the moans will be loud and the lust will be true
and not before long; i will have you.
The wind brought us here;
The slate, the dirt, the lava.
We congregate at the edge
Of the endings we did not
Dealing with debris that we
Did not ask for. Forming our
Desperation into impenetrable
walls. Pushing our hope down
To the sea floor, erecting our issues with trust.
Raising mountains has never been
so perfect, so exquisite.
Growing in strength without resentment.
Attempting architecture so complicated
that even the gods are jealous.
Where do you come from?
A place with no name. A world
Full of grown folks ashamed to
Be alone. A place where strangers
Deep breaths echo in the dark.
What are you made of?
Salt water. The sea has become me.
Flowing from my pores, my eyes, and my dreams. Nature's cleanser; a glue to put myself back together.
Who are you?
A woman looking for acceptance. Looking for love in all the wrong places. wishing she could hold the
Little lonely girl inside of herself.
Will you ever change?
Yes and no. As history goes, I'm doomed to failure. If i do not fight i will not heal. But she will not win. She did not expect me to crave wholeness so badly.
What do you do when the sky darkens around you?
When the wind picks up, and the stars disappear?
Head inside. Get into the safety of hearth; of home.
Bury yourself in the warmth of the lies you keep.
No one ever tells you
that the little things will stick.
The sound of his voice when he was stern.
The feeling of his large hands on my arms.
The smell of his aftershave clinging to me
after every forced hug. He always held on too tightly.
Suffocating my being. Squeezing pieces of my heart
out of every single pore.
Outlining the existing cracks in my soul.
And now, he smiles, while I remain stuck.
"Who left those holes in you?"
She simply asked the moon
As if the answer wasn't clear
As if he weren't sitting there
On the other side of her earth.
"Did you have good intentions?"
He asked, as if she could do him
Any reasonable harm. As if she could
Slip into his heart unnoticed.
As if she appeared there at all.
The gall of his question.
"Did i mean something to you?"
She replied. Tears filling her eyes
She already knew the answer.
But it no longer mattered.
She always paled in comparison.
When i die, don't cry for me.
Know that I've been fighting
For an eternity.
I may have lost my life
But i never lost sight of those that
Truly loved me.
This is not about them.
They could not mend my pieces.
They are removed from my service.
Just remember the joy I tried to bring.
put these desperate fingers to work.
Sit down and focus on smooth
Bright beautiful colors,
And how the light turns your eyes into warm amber.
Instead, they shake and find my face.
They wipe away frustrated tears
because happiness is not easy
when I cannot see it as a possibility.
But still, I wish I could draw
anything but conclusions.
You cannot love me back together
I am a fine white powder
There is no more space
There are gaps and holes where i
Used to be. And i take rejection well;
With a bucket, with a rope attached,
What more could you ask of me?
I am devastating. I do not fit.
I am retreating soon. Into the dark.
A place called home.
And if you look far enough
Into the abyss
You can see it.
Nature's wild affair; the ocean kissing moonlight, the creamy Milky way,
and a billion twinkling lives.
Some would say your soul could compare. That we are all universes
In our own right.
But, i still exist in awe of gaia's magic.
Her science. Her godly work.
The night, her gift, belongs to lovers;
Your face fills my mind.
Tear stained cheeks.
Trembling brown eyes;
even you -
Kind, and damaged;
Owner of this very skin.
Burned and beaten
By an unforgiving sun
In a distant forrest.
You saved me.
When our world
Fell apart around us.
While we sat under this rotten tree,
Even there -
to help me find peace.
Its a double edged sword
To care about others freely,
Because its easy to forget yourself.
You disappear into people.
Avoiding your pain
Ignoring your heart, its well wishes,
You'll be fine, you've got time
You've cultivated a friendship,
One of life's most magnificent gifts!
Who needs romantic love that grows deeper with every glance? Who craves intimacy so rare your heart fills whenever you're vulnerable? Every chance.
Who is eager to feel anything? I give up.
Lets just be...
You snuck into my heart.
With sweet smiles and
Chocolate ice cream covered kisses.
One day we were separate,
The next, far too intimate.
One night, you held me while i spilled, all over you, on to the floor.
I remember it like it was yesterday
And I want to push it out of my brain.
And yet the moment remains treasured, anyway.
I am aimless and lost without you
This was a mistake.
Becoming someone new
Is the only way to survive this rake.
The night was filled with terror.
And my eyes were glossed with tears.
And some how im living this error
Waiting for you to find me here
I begged you to stay there.
I am forever waiting for you here.
I am yours
And no ones
And mine alone
Theres only so much
That i can be loyal to
I somehow always
Choose fealty to
He was air.
He had atmosphere.
Occasionally arrid, stiff yet
Kind. Sweet like a soft breeze on a hot day carrying the scent of a memory.
She was water.
The earths blood.
The forever giving and desperately taking. An angry crash or a seductive wave caressing the sand at your feet.
They were a storm.
Tempestous and beautiful.
Mixed up in each other's make up. Mirrioring one another.
Trying to understand which color to mimic, which shape to become. Still They attempt to map each other but can't actually predict the weather.
And they never stop trying.
"I love the ocean"
He whispered softly
His breath tickling
Her crashing waves
The moon shining light
On her truest intentions:
A way into her depth.
he followed that tempest
Until he was felled by her darkness.
The air and the sea were once lovers.
Their romance was beautiful, tragic,
And well lit by the others.
He would lick her waves and she would ease his winds. Together, they committed the perfect sin.
The air mirrored her anchor and the ocean promised he'd always have her but they reflected the sadness in eachother.
So, it all fell to the wayside. The winds and the tides.Though there was still an ache behind their storming eyes.
Is that one day,
You will meet a woman who fills your heart, unexpectedly;
And it wont be me.
I wish i was empty.
Hollow like a hallway.
Incapable of holding
Any of those things you carry.
I wish i was air;
Carefree and forgetful.
Unlike the deep, dark sea,
Always under some lover's weight.
I wish I was worthy.
That i could find some kind of love.
Not this shaded overcast
That wont stop this sinking.
Soon I'll be numb.
Dead to the touch again.
Completely frozen over.
Ignoring those trying to get in.
I'm in love with being touched
Like im the only one you've ever wanted.
I must feel crashing crescendos and gravitational draws when we wax and wane.
Because, the moments we share are as enchanting as our ever growing celestial potential.
Bodies alive with the same tensions that tether the darkest corners of the universe; pulling us in.
i cant sleep.
my mind drifts back
to the night on the beach.
i remember how each breath
was in rhythm with the sea.
the taste of ocean air on warm lips, sweet.
joy, happiness, and depth.
crashing waves, and you,
"Have you ever been devoured?
Body and soul?"
He asked with hungry eyes.
She looked away at first; coy.
Attempting to ignore the naturally heated ties.
Then her gaze met his and a smile slid on to her face as she spoke
"Yes, but i find that im a much better hunter these nights."
i wish i was one of those girls.
the ones people fight to be around.
the Cleopatras and Helens of troy;
i always fall short though,
and it never fails to break me down
and i always become their toy.
regretting it all .
I remember the sweet smell
Of hopeful tension floating between us.
Lips inches away from one anothers.
A kiss was imminent. his hands inched up my body until they reached my shoulders while he looked me in the eyes. Sharing the same breath
That carried the most important words. So close to me, stroking my being with one hand and grasping on to my heart with the other
"I need you"
...one more time...
"Ive been thinking about you"
"I want you"
What more could a girl see?
I wish life was like a movie
Where the best moments were accompanied by perfect music; your heart
pitterpattering to the beat by serene sunset.
And when you met the one, When you held him in your arms, youd get goosebumps. Thered be a spark; Your heart would stop,
for just a second.
And when you missed someone, they would miss you, too. When you saw them in your dreams they, too, would be tossing and turning, clearly yearning to be by your side.
But, no, sadly, this is real life.
I pine to feel your lips on mine.
Your smile buried between my open thighs; my fingers grip pillows while yours slide in and out, expertly, as if you've always played this instrument.
And you constantly perform this piece to perfection.
I find my self awake,
Hurdling over feelings i thought i beat;
Wondering why my mind always wanders back Into you.
Your smile lights up your eyes.
A glow i sometimes despise because,
Cruel is the one that carves a diamond so beautiful that it blinds those yearning to be near it
I just want to stop thinking about you that way. I want the sound of your voice to sieze its warming hold on my unsuspecting heart.
I just want to sleep.
He leaves pieces of himself every where.
Cigarettes on shelves, clothes scattered on floors, and broken halves of his heart buried within her; deeper than he could know.
She remembers songs she replayed over and over before she ever felt him. Warm green eyes twinkle in her memory, torturing a heart that might never let him go.
They both lay awake, alone, trying to figure how they loved so strongly once and why the lightening crashed down, a sign from the Gods, to destroy everything beating below.
I just missed you last night.
Last year's first rain in late October
you and I spent the whole night
Opening each other.
It was the first time that
I felt like we really loved each other
and connected on a level
I had never thought I could with another.
I just missed you.
Being next to you,
feeling your warmth,
hearing your heart beat.
Tasting your breath.
I remember us when
we were beautiful together and that
makes letting go so much harder
"What is it you miss," He asked her.
She rubbed her hands together in thought,
"I miss how it felt, how it tasted...to be
In love feels invincible; tastes like the gods have touched down on the tongue and caressed it with their best honey mead.
Exiting love feels like leaving a sweet warm house, where futures and families happily mingle, into harsh rainy weather.
I miss feeling protected in his arms. he could have kept the rest of him hidden. But, then, that wouldn't have been true"