I am a devil in disguise,
A dark angel hidden in sweet lies.
I'm what people would call idiotic,
I'm nothing but a raving lunatic.
I'm the one who people sees as strong,
I'm the one who's seen that's constantly in the wrong.
I'm the victim,
I'm the innocent one.
I'm the friend who is so sweet,
I'm the one who people want to be.
However, I don't want that,
I'm ugly and fat.
I'm rotten to the core,
I'm the one who's never more.
I'm not worth the wait,
I'm not worth the pain.
I know this more than anyone,
I was always the abandoned one.
I know that people won't see me,
I know that I won't be free.
I'm never more than a friend,
Someone who is there in the end.
I'm not strong,
All these things that people say are wrong.
I'm always on my own,
Alway doomed to be alone.
Even the love of my life will never pick me,
Despite my pleas.
He's the type of man who will pick his friends,
Even when I need him in the end.
He's wonderful but I know that I'm always last to them,
They mean more to him.
I know my friends would never care about me,
Even though we can be considered as close as family.
I know that I would sacrifice myself so happily,
They are my real family.
However, I get left behind and forgotten,
Like leftovers or food that is doomed to be rotten.
I don't want to burden them though,
I don't want them to know.
I'm not upset with them,
They are my family and friends.
They saved me from myself,
They helped me become myself.
They woke me up to reality,
From my closed off fantasy.
They made me smile,
They helped me, a person who was already defiled.
I owe my entire existence to them,
They are my friends.
So I don't mind being left in the dust,
I don't mind if I'm left to rust.
I know that at my funeral, no one will attend,
I don't care, they're my friends.
I don't mind if they don't cry,
Or if they left me alone to die.
I want them to be happy,
Even if it sounds so sappy.
I know in my heart that they don't love me as much as I love them,
I don't mind, they're my friends.
They're my family, my reason for being,
So why wish suffering because of my suffering?
I'm a devil hiding in sheeps clothing,
A villain in superhero clothing.
I'm no good,
I'm every bad thing in existence that is far from good.
However, even me, a nobody,
Wants to love and have somebody.
So I let them tear me down and rip me to shreds,
I was always better being dead.
I don't care about it, there's nothing to be changed,
For I'm a fool in love and is always willing to wait.

Is it wrong for me to want to leave? Is it wrong for me to want to go to a technical college and get away from my family? To live in the dorms and study to become a video game designer? To become something I want? I live in a small town that is definitely not like the cities. It's slow and quiet here. However, I know that my desired profession requires me to get out of here, to leave. So instead of being an idiot, I'm planning on building independence. However, my family thinks it's stupid, why go to a technical college when I'm good where I'm at? Or at least that's what they say. I hate that no matter how many times I try, they want me to be something that I'm not. I can't deal with the stress of medical life, I know that I have no patience, I prefer to do something that I'm told, I don't have the smooth cunning of a lawyer or the nerves of steel like a police officer or marine. I love video games. I want to learn it and produce my own creative ideas. I have so many of them, they could even be bestsellers. I'm a procrastinator but if it's something that I'm interested in, I believe that I can finish it way before deadlines. I'm not one to go for the money. Frankly, I believe that if you're happy and you're always struggling, then you don't need anything else. I know it's a stupid fantasy to some but I want to live out my dreams. I told my family and all they do is look at me and say it's stupid. "Why don't you be a dentist?" "Be a doctor", "money is the important thing in life". I hate that. They are just trying to use me, I believe. It's always been that way. They only want to live off of my success, they never cared about my happiness. I know that nowadays it's different. I blame the government. I'm sorry but congress is borrowing too much money, our US dollar is devaluing and debt is growing. The world already knows this. We're being laughed at as we speak. I just want to live out a dream though. I want to be happy. So is it wrong to be happy? Is it even wrong to be me?

The weird purr of my air conditioner,
The feel of my comforter.
My pillow is folded for it is flat from many sleepy nights,
The sound and mood is just right.
Yet here I am,
A fool at 1 or 2 o'clock AM.
Helpless,
Sleepless.
I want the blissful sleep to take me,
Overcome me.
I can't, however,
Even as this wish keeps going forever.
When will I sleep instead?
What happened to the comforts of my bed?
However another night will pass,
I still awake like a *******.
Oh sleep,
Why don't you love me?
No matter how many times I'll complain,
I fear that I'll never sleep like I ever did again.

I don't need drama in my life,
I already had enough of it at home.
I don't need liars in my life,
I've already had the hurt caused by them.
I don't need anyone who pretends,
I've already seen who they are.
I don't need anyone to keep me in my own prison,
My hearts is already riddled in scars.
I don't need anyone to lie,
My whole life was one.
I don't need anyone to pity my life,
It's a thing that I want gone.
I need someone real,
Someone who actually cares.
I need the real deal,
Someone who can share.
I need real people,
No more fakes.
I'm done with those people,
They blame me for their mistakes.
I don't need a fake friend,
I need a true friend.
I don't need someone,
I need the real one.
Because life is riddled with fakes,
Life's ultimate mistakes.
I don't need a liar,
I need someone with that same fire.
A real person.

It's cold,
So very cold.
As I lay here on my bed,
The air holds a terrifying dread.
I hear nothing,
I see nothing.
The only feeling I have is this bed,
Hoping to sleep like the dead.
It's the most terrifying thing to ever exist.
The dread hangs like a heavy mist.
I can feel the dark touch me,
Crawl along my back and cling.
So dark, so cold.
So terrifying, a fear that never grows old.
So different than what you were told,
It's the true feeling of being alone.

You ask me,
Do I miss you?
How can I miss you?
You are always with me,
Your face behind my eyes,
Your soul sleeping in my heart,
The essence of you dances for me,
Sinuous curves shimmy within shadows.

You ask me,
Do I love you?
You should be asking,
How much you love me?
Then measure that feeling,
Holding it tightly deep inside,
Knowing that I feel just the same,
With every single fibre of my being.

You ask me,
Do I miss you?
Perhaps, I might sigh,
The very truth, though,
Is that I miss you terribly,
Is that part of me aches for you,
Though we are intrinsically entwined,
Sometimes, such closeness is not enough.

You ask me,
Do I love you?
Do you need to ask?
I live and breathe you,
As you live and breathe me,
Your roads lead to me, woman,
I am by your side, holding your hand,
One day, we will surely arrive together.

You ask me,
Do I miss you?
Everyday baby,
Never doubt it is so,
My pain is like your own,
Insomnia, numbing, yearning,
Hiding tears in the soft darkness,
But knowing, we will be free, one day.

©Paul M Chafer 2015

I love them,
I enjoy every minute with them.
We'd all meet at someone's house and talk,
It was always crazy **** but real talk.
They don't pretend to be who they are,
They are who they say they are.
However because of some people, the trust is shaky,
My heart is aching.
Relationships based off of *** destroyed us,
They did have good intentions but in the end, that was all it really was.
The thing that really stings,
Is knowing they separated into groups and go do things.
My messages untouched and empty,
Time is something I have plenty.
One group here,
One group there.
I'm stuck in the nonexistent middle,
Trying to solve this complex riddle.
There are few here with me,
People who agree.
Now I start looking into it,
Was all the time spent with them worth it?
Because now I'm here waiting to see them,
Trying to be with them!
But I just get ignored,
I get tossed away like trash that has no use anymore.
I sit here and think,
Were they really my friends from the beginning?