Clutching the teddy bear you gave me,
scrolling through the feed of pictures we shared,
I stop at the video I took of you-
the one where you play your video game,
the one you love, while I laugh at your pretend frustration,
which you orchestrate for my entertainment.
I stop at the picture of young you-
wearing red, holding hands with Santa, looking at his hat-
we joked that our kid would look like that.
Clutching the teddy bear you gave me,
my heart breaks again,
hearing our song on repeat.

We're all addicts-
addicted to sadness,
because no one else can put us down if we're already there.
addicted to anxiety,
because life can't shock us if we've seen the worst case scenario.
addicted to disappointment,
because we don't want to expect the best anymore.
addicted to loneliness,
because there's no one to leave us.
We're all addicted to this pretend power,
synthetic strength,
this desensitization and unwillingness to feel,
because it's better to get used to the darkness,
than to see the light only for a moment,
and spend the rest of our days reminiscing over the shadows.

Have you ever not realised something about yourself,
until someone else pointed it out,
and then it's all you can see?
It used to happen all the time-
but back then he pointed out the bad,
so often and so forcefully
that the good started to slip away-
I could not see it anymore,
I could not feel it.
And then you came along,
and even though I thought there was nothing left-
you saw me.
And you not only saw me- you pointed it out.
You saw me before I saw myself.
You cleared my blur,
and now it's all I can see.
You raised me up only to where I was meant to be,
you never put me on a pedestal, you simply put me back,
to where my bar was set to be,
and taught me to stand there with pride.
And you might not think you're a hero,
but I think you have superpowers.

I've taken everything off, undressed completely,
So why don't I feel naked?
Why does it still feel like I'm carrying ten layers of clothing -
Why is it still heavy?
I'm only chasing clarity- what else can I give?
My head is still muddled like a vision behind blurry eyes
I still cannot see
And before I can see anything - I cannot see you.
I need to jump into the water,
the terrifying, freezing water,
the stormy, dark water,
and be ok with that -
Only then can I feel you if you're still there,
Only then can I see anything other than a silhouette,
Only then can I hear you speak and finally understand something other than a mumble.
I need to be naked, before I can strip in front of you.
The thought of being naked alone,
naked and alone,
terrifies me to the core;
but I need to shed off my skin, I need to break my chains, I need to leave this prison, this twenty pound anchor dragging me down,
and I need to jump.
And if I fly, I promise darling, I will fly back to you.